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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Mabel Marsters for betaing! Also thanks to Brett, PhotographyNut, IamGhost, cordykitten and TammyAsh666 for reviewing the last chapter!
”You know, I find it hard enough imagining you playing video games. But seriously?” Buffy clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. “Crash Bandicoot?”

“Hey! I’ll have you know, ‘s a lot harder than it looks,” Spike protested, looking a little offended. He rolled his eyes. “Fred’s idea of physical therapy. Gave it to me after I got my hands chopped off by Psycho Slayer.”

“Oh.” Buffy’s smile disappeared and she lowered her eyes in shame. “I’m sorry. Must’ve been awful.”

Spike shrugged. “Got ‘em reattached, didn’t I? ‘S no big.”

Buffy wasn’t totally convinced, but decided to let the matter drop. She looked around the tiny room, still not used to the idea of Spike living in this miserable excuse for an apartment. Even the crypt seemed more like a home than this place. Sometimes she really missed Sunnydale.

“Get you anything, pet? A beer?” Spike went over to the small fridge, opened the door and grabbed two bottles. He gave her a questioning look.

She started to object, then changed her mind and nodded. “Sure. Why not?”

Spike made his way over to the couch, handed her one of the bottles and after a brief moment’s hesitation sat down. “So, um...”

“I’ve had a great time tonight,” Buffy interrupted him, fingering nervously at the edge of her white top. The surprised, yet pleased look on Spike’s face encouraged her to continue, “Felt kind of weird in a way, you and me being out on a real date. But weird in a good way, if you know what I mean?” She bit her lip, glancing at him.

“So, what are you saying?” Spike raised a brow. “Wanna do it again some time? Or...” He looked away, suddenly afraid to meet her eyes. “Was it just a one-time deal?”

“No. I mean...” Buffy swallowed, feeling frustration well up inside her. She was not good at this; letting her feelings out in the open. For one thing, she was afraid of getting hurt. And even more so, she realized now, she feared that she would end up hurting him. God knows they had both hurt each other more than enough in the past.

She took a deep breath. “Spike, I want us to keep dating. See what happens. I’m not gonna keep lying to myself – I do have feelings for you.” Seeing how he opened his mouth, Buffy quickly raised her hand to stop him. “Please, just let me finish. Just admitting this is a huge step for me. I’m not like you, Spike. I’m not used to putting my feelings and emotions into words.”

Spike was quiet for a moment. “Maybe it’s time for you to start, then. ‘M no mind reader, luv. Don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s bloody exhausting trying to figure you out.” He watched her carefully, as if half expecting her to lash out at him.

Buffy sighed. In a way, she couldn’t blame him for feeling a bit insecure around her. But sometimes, she kind of missed the old Spike. He may have been full of himself, but at least he hadn’t been afraid of telling her to stop being a bitch. Remembering how she had treated him in the past, she wondered how he could even stand to look at her.

Of course, Spike had not exactly been a saint back then, either. Thinking about it, they were both to blame for how things had ended between them before he had left Sunnydale in search of his soul. But maybe it didn’t matter anymore. Maybe it was time to stop dwelling on the past and how much they had both screwed up, and focus on the future.

She took a small sip of her beer. It tasted horrible, although she managed not to grimace. Taking another sip, she put the bottle down on the table in front of her. “If I promise to try, will you be patient with me?”

He stared at her in disbelief. “You’re kidding, right? Got all the time in the world here, pet. Vampire, remember? Take as much time as you need. Just...” He suddenly seemed to find something very interesting at the bottom of his bottle. “Don’t make any promises you won’t be able to keep. Couldn’t bear it if you’d push me away again. In that case, I’d rather you just stake me now.”

Buffy had to bite her tongue to prevent the tears from welling up in her eyes. “I don’t wanna push you away. But I’m scared, Spike. I’m scared of giving in to my feelings and I’m scared of losing you. Let’s face it, I suck at relationships. It’s always the same; either the guys turn evil on me and try to destroy the world or they end up leaving the country.” She swallowed hard, adding, “Or dying.”


~ ~ ~


“Wow. That was just... Wow!” Harmony giggled in delight as Rowan pulled out of her, rolled off and raised his eyes to the ceiling with an exhausted sigh. She ran her long, perfectly manicured fingernails down his arm. “Come on, Rowan, admit it. Wasn’t that the best sex you’ve ever had?”

Rowan merely grunted in response, thinking he’d probably had better. Not that it had been bad or anything, it just left him with a feeling of emptiness. Then again, these particular type of encounters usually did.

Harmony on the other hand didn’t seem offended by his obvious lack of enthusiasm. “Wanna do it again?”

“No.” Rowan sighed. “In fact, I think you’d better...” He stopped, closing his eyes for a moment. His head didn’t hurt, but he could feel Morou reaching out towards him. Opening his eyes again, he turned his head to watch Harmony. There was still time to get her out of the house. Not like he had to be polite or anything; he could throw her out by force if he had to.

Suddenly his mind was racing. Surely bringing a soulless vampire home and fucking her hadn’t been the brightest thing to do, but he could worry about that later, and that he had given said vampire an open invitation to enter his home whenever she felt like it.

He didn’t really need to worry, though. Rowan knew deep down that Harmony wouldn’t come back one night and kill him in his sleep. Not because he trusted her. Hell, no. Crush on him or not, he knew Harmony wouldn’t think twice about double-crossing him if she thought there would be anything in it for her. Still, she wouldn’t come back and hurt him. How could she?

To be able to come back, one would have to leave. And Harmony wasn’t going anywhere.


~ ~ ~


“Buffy...” Spike searched his mind, desperately trying to come up with something to say. He shook his head. “You won’t lose me, luv. ‘M not like any of those wankers. I’d never...” He stopped, knowing that wasn’t entirely true. In fact, he had left her before. And the last time, he hadn’t even come back.

He realized Buffy had every right not to trust him. But he could also tell that she really wanted to. Maybe for now, that would just have to be enough. He reached out a trembling hand towards her, but let it drop before making contact, suddenly afraid to touch her. When he spoke again, his voice was barely more than a whisper. “So, where does this leave us, Buffy?”

“I don’t know.” Her eyes never leaving his, Buffy hesitantly reached out and he found himself grabbing hold of her like he was drowning and she was his lifeline. She laced her fingers through his, squeezing his hand softly. “All I know is that I never wanna be apart from you again.”

“I love you.” He hadn’t planned to say the words out loud, but they were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. And now it was too late to take them back. Not that he really wanted to. He was just terrified of another rejection.

“I...” Buffy stared at him, unable to take her eyes away. She inhaled, shakily. “I’m glad.” As soon as she had spoken the words, she mentally slapped her forehead. ’I’m glad’? Jeez, Buffy, why don’t you just punch the guy in the face while you’re at it? That would probably be less painful. She swallowed. “Spike-”

Before she realized what happened, Spike leaned in and brushed his lips softly against hers. The kiss was unlike anything Buffy had ever experienced with Spike before; it was sweet and tender, almost hesitant, and she found herself slipping her arms around his neck.

They would have to work out their issues later. Right now, Buffy just wanted to keep kissing him, keep holding him and never let go. She had almost forgotten how good his lips felt against hers, how he completed her in a way she hadn’t thought possible. Like she had been missing a piece of herself and somehow, miraculously, found it.

She wanted him. Right here and now. Nothing else mattered; it was just the two of them left in the world. Suddenly she didn’t think she could wait another second for Spike to be inside her. And she was ready. How could she not be, when she felt like her whole life had been leading up to this very moment?


TBC





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