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“How long? How long what? How long have I known that the two of you have been boinking and doing the nasty? Two months…” Dawn stated with a grin before she was cut off by the surprised gasp of her older sister.

“How did you…oh God…how did you know we were…well, that we were…where did you learn to talk like that?”

“C’mon Slayer, you can say it. Settin’ the sheets on fire, boinking, screwing, fucking, making…”

“Do not finish that sentence if you want to live outside of the Hoover!” Buffy scowled at the grinning vampire, strategically hidden behind the brunette girl.

“Buffy, do you remember that morning that you came home and you were all ‘sore and limpy’? I knew then that you had something going on, I just didn’t know with who until you showed up with Spike when Willow went all druggie with the black eyes and everything. Don’t worry, no one else knows…well, except for Tara and Anya…and I might have told Janice that Spike was your boyfriend the last time she came over…she says congrats on finally getting laid and hopefully he knocks that stick out of your ass…I probably shouldn’t have repeated that, should I?” The blue-eyed brunette had the decency to look sheepish over the last statement but as it was the longer Buffy slept with Spike, the more amiable she seemed to be, at least for a couple of hours.

The blonde vampire shook his head discreetly at the girl before stepping in the line of fire of the glowering slayer. “Now pet, ‘m sorry but it would’ve looked worse if they found out I was a bleedin’ vampire ‘n you were the slayer…big secret getting out ‘n all…better to plan a fake wedding ‘n have it be null ‘n void later than explain to Mr. Melanoma that you ditched the Hollywood scene, which we will be talkin’ bout later, cause you were called as the soddin’ slayer. Gonna get my girl a proper ring too, not havin’ you show up on the telly with that piece ‘f junk.”

“So when are you going to tell Xander? Can I be there? He’s going to totally blow a gasket at this. EEP! You totally get to tell Ms. Kroger to stick it where the…tell her that you’re getting married so she’ll get off your back and I can stay here. When’s Spike moving in?” Buffy blinked as she tried to comprehend the words coming out of the tornado’s mouth.

Spike, move in, and tell Xander were not words she wanted to put together…ever! Although she’d never thought she would have to use the words Spike and marriage in the same sentence ever again, especially without the aid of Willow’s faulty spells.

“Yeah pet, when am I movin’ in? Don’t think the telly people would be too happy to know that I live in a crypt, though it would make for a smashing show.” Spike quirked his scarred eyebrow and titled his head to the side as he studied the petite blonde. The first order of business once he’d moved in was going to getting her fattened up a bit. He was over his fucking a skeleton phase with Dru and truth be told, he always liked his little slayer with a bit of extra padding, built up two of her assets quite well.

Dawn poked the staring vampire in the ribs before continuing, “I don’t get it. If Buffy doesn’t even want to tell people that you two are getting married, then why are you in the first place?”

“Buffy had a bit of a run-in with some bloke- kind of orange with bloody white teeth…bleedin’ irritating…”

“Luther was here? Oh my God, was it Luther?” Dawn bounced in place and the other two occupants of the room briefly wondered if she could bounce the house down if given enough time.

“Luther was here and wants me to do some T.V special thingy, Where are they now or something like that but Bleach-boy over here insinuated that we were engaged and now they want to do a whole wedding special on top of it.” She held her hands over her ears as the younger squealed.

“You’re going to do it right? Oh my God, you so have to do it! Spike, did you know Buffy was like totally famous before we moved here…and then she got all lame but did you see the episode with the two Cory’s? EEP! I‘m so happy for you two! You guys are going to be the cutest married couple ever!” She continued to squeal and bounce in place, even as a tall brunette man and wild-eyed redhead entered through the front door, unaware of the mess they’d just walked into.

“Did the Dawnster just say married, as in Buffy and Dead Boy Junior married?” Xander wore a serious look for a mere moment before he burst out laughing. “You did another spell, didn’t you Willow? Tell me you did another spell to make Captain Peroxide here think he has a chance with Buffy. Why aren’t you telling me you did a spell?” His laughter wore out into confusion as he took in the now-sitting vampire’s hand resting on the slayer’s leg…and she wasn’t dusting him on the spot.

“Xander…let me explain. It’s just…”

“No! Don’t even try to justify this thing! You’re letting that freak of nature touch you right now and Dawn just said that you two were… that you were, getting married. What the hell Buffy? Angel’s not around so you go fuck the first undead thing you can find. This is just sick. Call me when you get your head on straight.” Xander moved to exit out of the front door when he was hauled up against the wall by a cringing vampire.

As he shook of the minor electrical shocks the chip had shot into his skull, he noted that the boy actually looked scared for a minute. “Don’t ever talk to the girl that way, you measly piece of shit. You aren’t fit to lick the ground that she walks on and you think you have the right to call her sick. If you would give her a chance to explain you might find that she wants even less to do with me than you do. So sit down ‘n shut the bloody hell up so she can finish!” He dropped the hulking brunette to the floor before striding back over to where Buffy stood and gestured for her to take the floor.

“What I was saying before was that this isn’t really a…what I mean is…”

“Buffy used to be in movies, commercials and she even had her own T.V. show thingy and now they want to do a special on her but they think Spike is her fiancé and they want to do a wedding…I think that covers it.” Dawn gave her sister a smile before flopping into the seat next to the standing vampire.





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