Chapter Thirty-Three
Cameron sat in his wheelchair and watched Spike. Not that the vampire moved much – or at all – apart from the constant movement of his lips. The mechanical eyes stared straight ahead and if his vision blurred from time to time as tears overflowed and tracked down his face, then he didn’t acknowledge it.
Listening hard in the otherwise silent basement, Cam could just about make out what Spike was muttering. Words of apology. Words of anguish. Words of prayer – which made Cam pause – a vampire praying? Sometimes there were names. That was usually when the tears came.
After thirty minutes or so Cam decided that if nothing was done Spike would just stay there forever. Time to rattle his cage.
“Spike!” Cam’s full volume yell didn’t make Spike so much as blink.
Wheeling his chair so that he was directly opposite Spike, Cam rocked the chair back and forth allowing the metal footrests to bang against the bars of the cage. On each backward roll he called out Spike’s name.
Six repeats later and Spike stopped muttering and slightly tilted his head as he watched Cam’s almost hypnotic movement.
“Ah! Decided to pay attention, eh? About fucking time!”
Spike’s eyes widened and he muttered something that Cam didn’t catch.
“What was that?” He continued the rap, rap, rap on the bars.
“Said don’t swear.”
Cam laughed. “Don’t curse? That’s a joke coming from someone locked in a cage! Who gave you the right to tell me fucking anything?”
“Don’t.” Spike shook his head and put his hands to his temples.
“Or what, you useless bastard? You’ll tell me not to again?”
For a moment, Cam thought that Spike was going to stand up, but then the vampire slumped again.
“It’s all my fault,” Spike said, dropping his gaze to the floor about halfway between them.
“Oh, yeah! Everything is your fault! Everything in the entire world is your fault – all down to one skinny vampire!”
Spike glanced up at him and began to shake. “You’re in that chair ‘cause of me.” His voice was almost inaudible.
“No, Spike.” Cam pushed his chair away from the bars. “Maggie Walsh and her cohorts put me in this chair.”
“Because of me.” Spike’s jaw raised slightly as his inherent stubbornness showed itself a little.
“Do you know what really is down to you?”
The vampire shook his head.
“Look at me.” When Spike didn’t meet his eye, Cam yelled it. “Look at me!”
Reluctantly, Spike did as he was told.
“This is down to you.”
Taking a deep breath, Cam took his feet off the rests and planted them firmly on the floor. Reaching out to grip one of the bars with his right hand, he slowly, shakily, stood up.
Spike was on his feet in an instant. “Be careful! Don’t fall!”
Clinging to the bars and willing his knees not to buckle, Cam began to laugh. “Oh, yeah. You’re a real ferocious bastard, aren’t you?”
Putting his hands on the bars next to Cam’s, Spike closed his eyes briefly. “I was.”
Cam waited until Spike opened them again before he spoke. “Maybe you were, Spike – you’re a vampire; it’s what vampire’s are. But you’re not now. An evil vampire wouldn’t care if I fell. Wouldn’t have fed me his blood! You do know that you’re supposed to drain me dry, not the other way around? I know I took too much that first time and you let me.”
“But…”
“Uh! I better sit down.” Cam’s knees finally gave out and he more fell down than sat down.
Spike touched Cam’s fingers before the boy let go of the bars. He yearned for physical contact with someone. Before he’d worried that he’d try to hurt them, now he knew he didn’t deserve any kindness.
“The things I’ve d—”
“You can’t undo what’s done. But you have done good too. You helped Mom years ago, and –”
“Only so she’d let Drusilla live.” Spike rested his forehead against the bars. “I was just being selfish – wanting my girlfriend back.”
“So why did you help me? Why did you give me your blood?”
“I…” Spike turned away, shaking his head.
“It was because you cared about me.”
Still the vampire shook his head.
Cam’s voice hitched. He had to get through to Spike or else he may as well be dust. “So all the time you played with me and Craig meant nothing?”
“Just the chip. And better being in your house than tracking.”
“Fucking liar!” This time the curse words weren’t to goad Spike out of his misery, but because the thought that Spike had only acted as he had because of that cut him to the quick. Hot tears pricked at Cam’s eyes. “You loved us.” It was a plea not a statement. “And we love you. Please don’t let us have been wrong to love you.” Cam put his head in his hands and tried to get his emotions in check.
Spike turned to look at the boy, wanting to offer comfort but the voices in his head all screamed as one.
Killer!
Evil!
Worthless!
Not fit to exist!
Folding to his knees under the barrage, Spike’s hands grabbed at his temples and he grunted with the effort of not screaming as loud as the voices were. He was panting by the time the voices quietened down enough for him to be aware again. The first thing he noticed was Cam’s intent stare.
Spike shuffled backwards. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. This time as much to Cameron as to the voices. “It’s too hard…” His head dipped as he huddled against the bars of the cage.
“You can’t just give up!” Cam’s voice had an edge to it – he was losing Spike to the terrors of his past. “We need to stop them and we can’t do it without you! Look, I know from Mom that it took Angel decades to get over having his soul, but we haven’t got decades!”
“I’m not like Angel,” Spike said, causing the corners of Cam’s mouth to twitch upwards with his petulant tone.
Sitting upright, Cam allowed the twitch to develop into a smile. “So prove it.” He crossed his arms and kept his eyes firmly on Spike’s.
“I don’t think I can…the voices – they’re too loud.”
Pleased that the vampire hadn’t looked away, Cam said, “You need to quiet them down. They’ll be appeased if you help us. We’ll lose if you don’t and then there’ll be more voices to add to those you’ve killed. Mine. Craig’s. Aunt Willow’s. The Carmichaels. They killed Jerry.”
“Jerry? He…he…”
“He was the one that saved you from retirement. He found out what they’d done and they killed him and crippled me. Don’t you want some revenge on them for that?”
Spike shook his head, slowly. “I c—”
“They probably won’t kill, Mom. They’ll take her and use her. What could be better than a vampire for hunting than a slayer? She’ll be able to go out in the daylight. They’ll blind her for a time to make her senses heighten. She’ll end up with eyes like yours, I guess.” Cam looked off to the left. “I wonder how they’ll reward her?”
“No!”
Spike’s roar made Cam leap almost out of his chair. When he looked him, Spike was on his feet at the front of the cage.
“Sorry? What was that?” said Cam when he regained his composure, still goading the vampire.
“They won’t touch her! They won’t hurt her like they hurt you and your brother.” Spike’s knuckles were white as he gripped the bars.
“They will. We’re not strong enough.” Cam slowly turned the wheelchair until his back was to Spike. “They’ll find us and then do what they want to us. Maybe they won’t find you down here?” He wheeled himself towards the elevator. “Someone on the Watcher’s Council will come and put you out of your misery, once we’re gone.”
“No!”
Cam entered the elevator and spun the chair around so he could press the button to take him up.
“Let me out! I’ll—”
“What? Dust yourself?” Cam shook his head. “No way, Spike. I still need your blood to finish my healing. At least you are of some use!” The door closed and the elevator clanged its way upwards.
“I’ll help you!” Spike slammed his hands against the bars. “I’ll defend you!” He knew the basement was soundproofed but he continued regardless. Stalking around the cage like a tiger as he yelled. “I’m not a coward! I won’t let them hurt you! Let me out! For fuck’s sake, let me out!”
It took Cam three attempts to be able to propel the chair out of the elevator. His hands were shaking so badly. He fervently hoped that what he’d done would get through to Spike in the right way and not add to the vampire’s despair. He hadn’t known what else to do. Now, although he wanted to go straight back down and see what Spike was doing, he knew that he needed to leave him to stew for a while. With a deep sigh, he pushed himself slowly along to the kitchen, wondering if he could face taking more blood. He wanted out of that chair for good.
*~*~*~*
Cameron was heartened to see his mom talking animatedly when he got to the kitchen. She met his eye and nodded, acknowledging his words in the basement. He smiled and nodded in return. Least Mom’s back.
“They’ve been telling us about how you’re doing, son,” said Maurice. “It’s good to hear.”
“Thanks. It does hurt like hell, but if it gets me on my feet again it’s worth it.”
“Show them,” said Craig.
“Okay.” Cam lifted first one from the rest and put it on the floor and then the other. “Still not strong enough to stand, though.” He didn’t want anyone else to know until he was able to walk.
Dora crossed the room and gave him a hug. “That is amazing.”
Flushing slightly, Cam shrugged. “So do you know how the Initiative found you both?”
“My fault,” said Dora standing up. “I stupidly used my maiden name, so—”
“They were asking for Carmichael when I overheard them, love. It’s not your fault,” said Maurice.
“Well, it doesn’t really matter how they found you,” said Buffy. “The only trouble is you won’t be safe until we take that place down. Expose them for what they’re capable of. They’ve already killed one human that we know of, and probably a lot more that we don’t know of.”
“So have we got a plan?” asked Cam, glancing around the faces expectantly.
“Uh…that would be a no,” Craig said, with a sigh.
“Not yet,” said Willow. “We’ll come up with something.” She looked down and twisted her hands together. “Er…how’s Spike?”
“I don’t know.” Cam ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his forehead. “I think I got through to him, but I’m not sure. He’s in a bad way.”
Willow rose suddenly and began to fill the kettle. “Tea, anyone?”
“Will, sit down,” said Buffy. “I know you didn’t mean for Spike to suffer.”
“I should have thought it through.” Willow sat back down with a thump. “When he said he wasn’t able to control himself, I just thought his soul would make him able to hold back.”
“I know.” Buffy took one of Willow’s hands in both of hers. “He’ll be okay.”
“You don’t know that. Sweet Goddess, I was so dumb! Angel was tortured by having his soul back. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“There’s no point in going over all this again.” Craig butted in, unable to bear the thought of another pity-fest.
“Why would having a soul affect him so badly?” asked Dora.
“I’ll let you guys explain. I think I might go down and check up on him,” said Buffy, fleeing the room.
*~*~*~*
Spike tensed as the door to the basement opened. Hands on the bars, he stared at Buffy as she walked hesitantly in.
“Let me out of here.”
“Why?” Buffy came to a stop about four feet away from the cage.
“I’m okay, now. I want to help.” I want to touch you. He pushed his fingers through the bars. “Please, Buffy. You’ve got to believe me.”
Unable to resist, Buffy moved closer and let her fingers brush Spike’s. “So you’re okay? Just like that?” She snapped her fingers.
“Yes…well, no…”
“When I left you, you were totally out of it. So have the voices gone?”
Frowning, Spike shook his head. “They’re still here. Think they always will be.”
“What’s changed then?”
“I just try not to listen to them. Blot them out.”
“Oh, right. That so? How come you can do that? It took Angel forever to learn to live with his soul. You take a couple of hours?”
“For God’s sake, woman! I thought you’d be pleased.” Spike growled and abruptly turned away.
“I just don’t get it, and with things the way they are at the moment, I don’t trust things that I don’t understand.”
Spike turned back and stepped up to the bars. “Your son.” He said it as though she should know what it meant. Seeing her incomprehension, he continued, “Cam managed to get me to see things a bit differently, okay? Made me realise that if I didn’t shut out the voices then I’d just be useless and never have a chance to atone.” He pushed his fingers through the bars again, as he voice lowered. “He made me realise that my love for you is strong enough to get me through this.”
Buffy burst into tears.
“Buffy? I’m sorry! I di—”
“Don’t be sorry!” Buffy raised her eyes to meet his. “I just thought…I just…”
“Shh, pet. It’s alright.”
As she laced her fingers with his, Buffy said, “God, you’re so strong. Angel—”
Spike rolled his right eye. “Yeah, yeah, the big poof brooded for years! I know! Well, I’m nothing like Angel!”
Smiling through her tears, Buffy gave a slight chuckle. “Thank God.”
“What? I thought he was the love of your life?”
“Oh, Spike. You still don’t get it, do you? You’re the love of my life! What I feel for you is a thousand times what I felt for him.”
Feeling ridiculously puffed up by that statement, Spike nodded his head towards the shelf. “Are you going let me out then, or what?”
Buffy wiped the tears from her face with her fingers as she strode to get the key. “Are you sure about this? It’s not all been a trick? You’re not going to kill us all as we sleep?”
“Love, the way I feel, I don’t need any more voices adding to the ones already in here.” He tapped his metal thumb against his temple. “Not unless it’s Maggie Walsh or some of her lackeys, because I promise you that I will taste her blood.”
Buffy nodded. “That sounds reasonable.” She grinned at him as she turned the key. “So are you ready to come up to be with the others?” With a creak, the door swung open as she pushed it.
Spike moved closer to her and tentatively took her hand. She glanced at his face, in surprise as she felt the tremble in his grasp.
“It’ll be okay,” she said, reaching up and trailing her fingertips down his cheek.
“Do you know what would be better than okay?” He tilted his head on one side and curled his tongue behind his teeth.
“Oh, man, you have got to be kidding me?”
He took hold of her other hand and pulled her into the cage. “’M still a vampire. If a vampire’s not killing, then it’s—”
“Shagging,” supplied Buffy, laughing at him. When they were together, he used to say that to her, if she commented on his very healthy libido.
For the first time in so long, they embraced, clinging to each other as if their lives depended on it. As the voices in Spike’s head dulled to a whisper, he thought that perhaps his life did depend on the love of Buffy Summers, and he swore to himself that he would help her right the wrongs that had been done to her family.
Their family.
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