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Author's Chapter Notes:
This chapter is from Buffy's POV. Thank you Sotia, for the great Beta job!
Buffy had never been a great thinker, and it had never bothered her. Since becoming a Slayer, she'd had to start using her brain a bit more, but she still had her Watcher who did the research and plans, and took the big decisions. It was different this time, though. She hadn't been able to go and talk with Giles, or with anybody; it would have been too weird, talking about how certain vampires were different, how she had begun thinking that Spike might not be as bad as everybody thought. She also didn´t tell anybody that Spike could walk again, or what had happened on the night they'd met.

She frankly didn´t know why she kept those things to herself. Why did she keep questioning the things Angel had told her about Spike? At the same time, she thought a lot about Angel, and Angelus, and for the first time she saw them as the same vampire.
She had secretly read some of Giles´ Watcher Diaries in an attempt to find out more about Angelus, Spike and Drusilla. What she'd read had filled her with fear, a true fear that she had felt only with the Master.

Angelus was something else, all right. He was obviously a master at mind games, and he had already started those with her, doing those little cruel things that separately seemed pretty harmless, but together formed a clear plan. A plan to make her unbalanced, make her forget the bigger picture and plain old make her annoyed and sloppy. She was not going to fall for that again, however. So she'd read through all the horrid details of the things Angelus had done all around the world, and she'd read about Drusilla, how she had the talent to thrall her victims, and how devoted she'd been to Angelus.

That had changed when Angel had gotten his soul, Buffy found out, while putting all the things she knew together. Dru had been with Spike since that, and their history together was bad for humankind. Only thing was, Buffy wasn´t sure which one of them had done all the things she'd read about. Spike had said that he had never drained a child, and Buffy believed him. What reason had he to lie? He had always bragged about his past, so if this time he said he hadn´t done something, she believed him. So, how much of all that had been Drusilla´s work and how much Spike´s?

Buffy knew it shouldn´t matter to her. A monster was a monster--the end. It was a dangerous thing to start putting them into categories: evil, less evil, just a bit bad. What was wrong with her? Why did she keep thinking of Spike, anyway? At least she knew that one good thing coming out of this was realizing how dangerous Angelus really was. Add Dru with that thrall thingy to that, and, yes, Spike who now could walk, and she was in deep trouble. The little training she had done lately put her in a serious disadvantage. She needed to train hard, and with weapons, no matter what Giles said. Merrick had included swords, knives, and other weapons to her training, but that had been quite some time ago.

She missed Merrick so much sometimes. Giles was great, but he seemed to not make use of all her abilities. Buffy knew that she needed the physical training with someone who could hold his own against her. Merrick had let her train with an ex-marine soldier who was his friend´s son, and with a real professional swordsman. She had suggested those to Giles, but he seemed to think that she wasn´t ready, and instead tried to teach her himself. Buffy didn´t want to hurt his feelings by saying what a total waste of time that was, so she held her punches and kicks. She had thought that with Angel she'd finally found a decent opponent, but he'd refused to spar with her. Instead of sparring, he had tried to teach her some slow paced martial art that only managed to make her yawn.

And now she had three master vampires against her, with all the other monsters on top of that. She was so screwed. Or she would be, if she didn´t take the initiative. She needed the training, and there wasn´t much of a chance that Giles would come around. He seemed to think that she did just fine, that the Council-based training was enough. Well, it wasn´t. Buffy had gone and checked out every place in Sunny-D where they taught self-defence or martial arts, and had finally found a guy. He was in his thirties, an ex soldier, had won numerous competitions and was a very nice guy. After a short sparring session, Danny--that was his name--had told her that he could teach her every trick he knew since she obviously wasn´t a beginner. Buffy had smiled, thanked him, and told him that she would come to training two times a week. On her way back home she'd hummed a little tune, very pleased with herself.

That had left weapons. And that wasn´t gonna be so easy, she'd thought. Sometimes life gives you a nice surprise, however, and it sure had one for Buffy this time. A few days after finding Danny, Buffy had heard her mom talking on the phone, and had picked up a few interesting words. There was a collector who specialized in swords and knives. The more interesting tidbit was that he had a son there in Sunnydale, who had been fencing from the age of eight. After Joyce got off the phone, Buffy announced that she wanted to continue her fencing lessons. She had told her parents about them when Merrick had started her training. Of course they had thought that it was purely for sports, but who cared?

"You want to start fencing again? I thought you didn´t like it anymore; you said so in LA." Joyce put the papers she had been going through on the table and looked closely at her daughter.

Buffy came up with a great reason quickly, pouting ever so slightly, just for extra effect. "Well, I´ve noticed that I miss it. It was such a good work-out. It isn´t easy to stay this size with your cooking, you know."

The pout and the flattery had the desired effect, and Joyce smiled warmly at her. "Well, if Mr. Carlington´s son agrees to teach you, why not? It would be nice for you to have a sport as a hobby again. I´ll call him in a while."

Buffy hugged her mom tightly, a bright smile on her face. She was sincerely thankful. "Thanks, Mom, so much. You're the best!" Without waiting for an answer, she went bouncing up the stairs to her room, leaving her, slightly confused but smiling, mother behind.

That night Buffy was even more pleased with herself. She was in charge again. She would do what was best for her, and everybody else could just go to... well, not Hell, but some other not so deadly, unpleasant place. Buffy had started to feel very protective of her secret. It was something that was just for her. It made everything else feel more bearable. She lay in her bed that night and thought about Giles. He wasn´t that bad... just pretty close minded, and stubborn, and quite Council-y. When she thought about it, shouldn´t it be that they worked for her, not the other way around? If she decided to quit, they couldn´t just go and hire a new Chosen One.

She wasn´t going to go on a strike or become too power-happy. She just wanted to think for herself now that she had really started the whole thinking deep thoughts gig.

It had been only a few days after her meeting with Spike, and so much had happened in her mind since that. And it had been that meeting that had started it all. Spike had made her think--really think--about Angelus, about herself, and degrees of evil. Buffy wasn´t sure if the last one of those things was good or bad. Was it bad for a Slayer to see the shades of grey? Could it make her hesitate in a fight and get herself killed? Or could it make slaying easier, since she wouldn't have to waste time killing creatures that were not so evil, or not evil at all? Could it even make her gain new allies?

"This thinking stuff is a pain in the butt. Thanks a lot, Spike."

tbc





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