The evening meal was all of Spike’s nightmares come true.  He was last in, as he hadn’t heard the bell out in the garden and had to be told by one of the staff.  Spike then knocked the table as he tried to take his seat causing a bottle of water to fall over and spill.  Face burning and his stomach churning with embarrassment, Spike then had to face the first conventional dinner he’d be presented with since the accident. 

His fingers sought out the edge of the plate when it was placed in front of him.  Somewhere on it were potatoes, carrots and roast beef.  Hearing the others’ cutlery clicking against the crockery, and listening to their chatter, Spike tried to stay calm.  His mother and the cook had done him no favours by making all his meals easy to eat.  He wondered how Riley managed to find the food, since he was the only other one in the same position as he.  He supposed they expected him to have mastered eating food he couldn’t see by now.

Unaware that his discomfort was being closely monitored, Spike picked up his knife and fork and gingerly prodded at the plate.  He encountered what he guessed was a slice of beef.  A little more exploration and he discovered the potatoes.  Deciding they were easier to manage, Spike dug in his fork and leaned forwards, praying he’d get it to his mouth without dropping it.  After two or three mouthfuls, he braved the pile of sliced carrots he’d found to the left of the potatoes. 

It was the meat that was his undoing.  His first attempt to cut a piece off ended in the beef sliding across the plate, sending carrots off the edge and onto the table.  Mortified, he froze and it might have been all right but for a snicker from further down the table.  Ted, a middle-aged former salesman who had, perhaps, the most sight of the group, called out to add to the embarrassment.

“Whoops!  Don’t worry, Maureen here’s already spilled gravy on the table.  Maybe we should have our food cut into bite-sized pieces and drink from baby training cups!”

A couple of the others laughed, but for Spike it was just too close to the truth of how he’d lived up to now.  He shoved his chair back, leapt to his feet, gritted his teeth at the moment it took for him to remember where the door was, then stomped out of the room, banging his shoulder on the door frame in his haste.

Ted’s voice followed him as he found the stairs. 

“What’s his problem?  Was only joking.  Can’t believe he got so riled up about spilling some food.”

“Shut up, Ted.”  Riley’s firm voice had the desired effect on the man, who returned his attention to his own plate of food.

Spike managed to find his room without further incident.  He flung himself on the bed, having to work hard to keep from flailing his arms and legs like a toddler having a tantrum.

“Fuck it.”

Fists clenched, he took several deep slow breaths, willing himself to calm down.  Without even realising he’d done it, his fingers closed around his cell phone which he’d put on the small table next to the bed.

He pressed a speed dial button.  Buffy answered on the first ring.

“Hey!  How are you?  What’s it like?”  She giggled – the sound guaranteed to lift his heart.  “Sorry.  I’ll stop with all the questions.”

“How are you feeling now?”  He ached to be with her.

“I’m better than yesterday, thanks.  Will worked the store alone today, and all I’ve done is laze around the apartment.  At least I didn’t have to keep so close to the bathroom today.”

“TMI.”  Spike smiled.  “But I’m glad you’re feeling better.  I’m sorry I told you I was coming here over the phone.”

“Trust me…you wouldn’t have wanted to be near me on Sunday.  Anyway, enough about me.  What’s it like there?  Do you like it?”

“Er…yeah…’s okay.  Just really done the introductions today.”

“I’m so proud of you for doing this, Spike.”

He squeezed his eyes shut.  No way could he ask her to come and take him home now.

“So when can I come visit?”  Buffy said into the awkward silence.

“Uh…I dunno.  I haven’t asked yet.”

“You better not forget about me while you’re there, mister.”

“Could never forget you.” 

“Glad to hear it.” 

Her voice was light, but he could tell how pleased his words made her.  For that reason if no other he knew he couldn’t slink home with his tail between his legs.  Not if he wanted her in his life.  And he certainly wanted that. 

They chatted about everything and nothing until Spike heard the door handle as it turned.

“Gotta go.  My roommate’s coming in.”

“Roomie?  I hope it’s male.”

“Why?  Would you be jealous?”

“Of you sharing with a woman?  No, I wouldn’t be jealous at all.  I’d just come right down there and bring you home!”

Spike laughed.  “It’s a bloke.”  He held the phone away from his ear.  “Riley, say hi.”

“Um…hello.”

Spike put the phone back to his ear.  “Happy now?”

“Yeah.  Apart from the fact you’re going to hang up on me.”

“Sorry.  I’ll call tomorrow, okay?”

“You’d better.  Take care of yourself.  I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Buffy.  Night.”

“Good night.”

Spike severed the connection.  “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay.”  Riley walked over to his bed and sat on it.  “That your girlfriend?”

Smiling, Spike nodded.  “I guess she is.”  He’d never really thought about it like that.  “You dating?”

Riley waited so long before answering that Spike wondered if the man was ever going to reply.

“No.  My girlfriend couldn’t handle it, so we split soon after it happened.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, probably for the best really.”  The tone of Riley’s voice told Spike that it had hurt him badly…and still was. 

After a pause, Riley continued, “So were you with…?”

“Buffy.  Before the crash, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“No.  Only met her a few weeks ago.  I wasn’t going steady back then, but my mates all sort of disappeared, so I sort of get where you’re coming from.”

Another silence ensued as both men reflected on the other losses their blindness had caused them.

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t let Ted get to you.”

“It wasn’t just him.  I knocked over the bloody water, then my dinner went all over the place.  I just…I just hate it.”

“You’ve got to eat.”

“Well I lost my appetite, okay?  Just leave it, yeah?”

“Hey, whatever you say, man.”  The bed frame creaked as Riley stood up.  “I’m going down to the lounge or whatever they call it.  You coming?”

“Nah.  Think I’ll just stay here for a bit.” 

Spike got the feeling that Riley was going to say something else, but after a pause, he heard the former soldier leave and close the door behind him. 

Way to go, Spike.  The little voice in his head said with distain.  Really gonna learn lots stuck up here in your room.

“Piss off,” he muttered as he got up and made his way to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, freshly showered, he slipped between the cool sheets of his bed and tried, despite the early hour, to find sleep.

He failed.

When Riley returned several hours later, Spike feigned sleep to avoid having to talk to him.  He listened to him getting ready for bed, and cringed when the man’s wry voice murmured, “Night, Spike,” before he got into bed.

Tomorrow would be easier, wouldn’t it?

*~*~*~*

At breakfast time no one commented on Spike’s absence the night before, and munching on toast he began to relax a little.  The agenda that day was full of things to help them move towards independent living.  And that was exactly why Spike was there, so it was with no small measure of annoyance that he found himself being led by Fred to her office.

She guided him to a chair before sitting opposite him.

“What happened last night, Spike?” Only her matter-of-fact voice kept Spike from yelling at her.

“Wasn’t hungry.”  He sounded like a petulant child and knew it.

“I can’t help you, if you won’t talk to me.”

“So don’t help me.”  Spike made to rise.

“Sit down.  You came here because you wanted something from the program that the facility offers, so why don’t you just tell me what it is?”

With a sigh, Spike flopped back against the cushions.  “I came because I want to be able to make myself a cup of tea.”

“Oh.” 

Spike swore he heard Fred’s eyebrows rise.

Laughing, he rubbed a hand over his face.  “Stupid, isn’t it?”

“Not at all.  But I want you to tell me about last night at dinner.”

“Didn’t sign up to be psychoanalysed.”

“Actually, you did.” 

“What’s the point of any of it?  I’m never going to be able to do even a sodding quarter of the things I want to be able to do.”

“True, there will be things that you can’t do.  But things aren’t as bleak as you feel they are.”

“Easy for you to say.  And for Ted.  I’d give my right arm to have the vision he has. At least he can eat a meal without making a mess like a little kid.”

“You were embarrassed.”  It wasn’t a question.

“’Course I was.  Learnt one thing already, Doc.  I’m never going to eat in a restaurant again, that’s for sure.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit of an exaggeration?”

“No!  Why would I want to go out and let people see me like that?  Christ.”  He shuddered.

“So you’re worried about what people think of you?”

Spike frowned.  “Who isn’t?”

“Blindness isn’t something to be ashamed of.”

“It certainly isn’t something to be proud of either.”

“Maybe not.  But it shouldn’t define you as a person.”

“Kind of hard not to let it.”  He slumped even lower in his seat at that admission.

“I understand how difficult it is to be completely without sight, but if you allow yourself to be open to what the program offers then you’ll leave here much more capable and confident.”

Straightening up a little, Spike said, “Pep talk over?”

“For now.  What part of England are you from?  My husband is English, from Oxford.”

“Is he a bit posh then?”

Fred huffed. “His family were wealthy about a hundred years ago, but his grandfather gambled everything away, so Wesley was a professor at Cambridge University.”

Spike chuckled.  “Born in Oxford and lecturing at Cambridge…I bet that was popular.”

“Apparently not.”  Fred laughed softly.  “So when he was offered the chance to come out here, he leapt at it.  We met just after I’d opened Sandar.”

“Nice,” Spike said, and meant it.  “I’m from London.  I miss it.”

“Even the weather?”  It was Fred’s turn to laugh.

“Not so much.  So…can I go now?”

With a sigh, Fred agreed.  He was like a kid in the principal’s room.  He couldn’t wait to get out.

“Please try to remain at the table during lunch and dinner.”

“I’ll try.”  He meant it, which came as a bit of a surprise to him. 

“That’s all I ask of you – to try your best.”

She didn’t guide him out of the room, just accurately described where the door was.  Once out of Fred’s office, Spike made his way to the lounge hoping to find the others.

By the end of the day, Spike had indeed learnt how to make himself a tea or coffee, managing to avoid scalding himself.  He found it difficult to be pleased about it when the achievement seemed to emphasise all the other things that he would never do no matter what he learnt there. 

*~*~*~*

Most of the others were friendly – Ted alone being the one people wanted to avoid – but Spike tended to keep himself to himself as much as possible.  Only in Riley did he sense the same despair as his own.  As far as he knew, Riley had called no one nor received any calls either.  At least Spike had the daily chat to Buffy to look forward to.

At the end of the first week, family and friends were invited over for a barbeque in the gardens.  To Spike’s delight Buffy leapt at the chance to come, and now he was waiting for her arrival with his heart pounding in his chest. 

He’d made Riley laugh by telling him of how he’d imagined her a porn star, but the man’s mirth had died away a little when he’d heard how she hadn’t realised Spike was blind at first.  Spike kicked himself mentally for maybe making Riley think that no one would be attracted to a blind man – that she’d liked him before she knew that.

“Spike?”  Cordelia’s voice cut through his thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“Your guest has arrived.”  Spike grinned as he got to his feet.  “And how did you manage to get such a pretty woman, Spike?” 

Spike’s grin faded.  “What?”

“Oh! That didn’t come out how I meant it.  It’s just you never told us how attractive she was.”  Cordelia desperately tried to back-track.  She’d found the Englishman surly and prickly from day one and that made her uncomfortable.

“Kind of difficult to describe what someone looks like when you have never bloody seen them.”  He swore the others in the room could hear his teeth grinding.

“Spike, I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…”  But he was gone.

Familiar with the floor plan and confident that nothing was ever left in the corridors, Spike strode towards the entrance hall.

“Bu—”

Buffy all but threw herself at Spike, her lips finding his as a heat-seeking missile finds its target.  Not caring they were in a public place, Spike kissed her back just as ardently, until panting for breath their lips finally parted.

“That was some hello.”  Spike’s left hand caressed her cheek.

“I told you I’ve missed you.  So where’s all this sticky eat-with-your-fingers food?”

“Christ.”  Spike moaned at the memory of where eating such food normally took them – bed – usually before the food was finished.  “You’ve got to behave.

Giggling, Buffy took Spike’s hand in hers.  “Aw…do I have to?  Really?”

“Yes.” 

Spike was pleased with how firm his voice was.  The only trouble was it wasn’t the only part of him that was firm. 

It was going to be a long afternoon.