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Author's Chapter Notes:
Buffy opens up a little.

I used a song is this chapter Who am i to say By Hope, I don't own this song or its lyrics i'm just borrowing it :)
A huge thanks to my lovely beta All4spike for getting this chapter back to me so fast! Also a huge thanks to Edgehead (Mel) so the awesome banner, i love it so much sweetie!!!!!!
Chapter 18

Leaving me empty

One month later

Buffy paced around Angel Inc. The past week had been quiet and she was finding herself growing restless. Since the last attempt had been made to snatch Connor, things had gotten creepy quiet. Honestly, Buffy found it unsettling.

Not only did it make her fear the worst but it left her with nothing to do but go over and over the events that had happened back in Sunnydale when more than anything else, she just wanted to forget it all. Deciding she needed to take her mind off things, Buffy headed downstairs to the training area.

Lorne looked up from his book, watching as Buffy walked past. He could feel the anxiety rolling off the slayer in waves, had since the very first day she had arrived. She had been very quiet to start with, only talking when talked to or when she had input about some big bad, but mostly only to Fred and Cordy.

It was clear she didn’t trust men or demons, especially demons. He just wished she would open up to someone. He knew that Cordy had tried to reach out to her, but Buffy had clammed up, saying it didn’t matter as it was in the past.

“Any luck?” he heard Angel ask him as he came to stand beside him.

“Some, but that girl is extremely guarded. It’s hard to get much off her,” Lorne sighed.

Angel stood for a moment confused. “I’m talking about Holz, tracking him down,” Angel informed him, looking at the paperwork in his hands.

“Well I’m talking about little Miss Buffy, Angel cakes. Honestly, don’t you pay attention?”

“Huh?” Angel replied, confused.

“That girl has such presence, such love and talent, but she hides herself from everyone… if she could just trust someone.”

“She trusts us.” Lorne looked up at Angel. “Doesn’t she?” Angel asked, now unsure.

“Angel cakes, I would be surprised if she even trusts young Fred, let alone you or me,” Lorne scoffed before walking away and heading in the direction in which Buffy had gone.

Buffy hammered into the bag as though her life depended on it, hit after hit kick after kick. When the chain gave and the bag hit the ground with a loud thud, she wasn’t surprised. Sighing, she moved to sit down, undoing the bandages on her hands. She knew she had to deal with this anger and mistrust she had rolling around inside her, that was the third time this month she had busted the bag.

Love of my life, my soulmate, you're my best friend, part of me, like breathing, now half of me is left.

Buffy found her lips moving along with the music. It had been years since she had last sung, before she had died that fateful night Pike had been taken captive. If she hadn’t been destined to be the slayer, she knew she would have been a singer. Her voice was soft and delicate and she loved the freedom she felt when she got lost in the music.

Don't know anything at all, who am I to say you love me, I don't know anything at all and who am I to say you need me?

Finally, she allowed herself to get lost in something for the first time in two months. She enjoyed the music, the sound of her own voice along with the radio, allowing all the emotions it brought to the surface to wash over her.

Colour me blue I'm lost in you, don't know why I'm still waiting, many moons have come and gone, don't know why I'm still searching.

She was trying not to let her thoughts lead to Spike, to the pain, the betrayal and love she still felt. How much it hurt to be without him and how much she missed him every moment of every day, but the words were just too close to home.

Don't know anything at all and who am I to say you love me, I don't know anything at all and who am I to say you need me. Hmmm hmmm mmm uhhh oohhh aahhh. Hooo aahhh ohh ohhh

She missed him so much that at times she found herself picking up the phone and calling his cellphone just to hear his voice. She knew she was just torturing herself. The sound of his beautiful voice always brought tears to her eyes and she never responded, no matter how much she desperately wanted to.

Now you're a song I love to sing, never thought it feels so free. Now I know what's meant to be and that's okay with me

She felt her eyes start to burn with the tears she had been holding back for months. Pain and anger pumped through her veins like poison burning her, going from her heart and travelling straight to her soul. She couldn’t help but feel truly empty for the first time in a long time.

Alone.

But who am I to say you love me and who am I to say you need me and who am I to say you love me. Mmmm hmmm

She supposed she had no one to blame but herself, she had been the one to leave, after all, but she couldn’t help but second guess herself. Was she making a mistake? Was she being irrational? Was she allowing her fear to guide her heart?

I don't know anything at all, and who am I to say you love me. I don't know anything at all and who am I to say you need me, I don't know anything at all.

No, she decided. She had made the right choice for everyone. She just needed to let go, to move on, but she knew that would be easier said than done. Tears slipped from her burning eyes, sliding down her flushed cheeks.

I don't know anything at all, I don't know anything all, I don't know anything at all.

Squeezing her eyes shut, she attempted in vain to stop the tears but she knew it was too late, the dam had broken. Slipping from her seat she crumpled to the floor. Hugging her knees to her chest, she buried her head in her knees as she sobbed.

“So much pain,” she heard a voice whisper. Her head shot up to see Lorne standing at the foot of the stairs, she hadn’t even heard him come in. “He did a lot of damage.”

“Who?” Buffy asked, praying he hadn’t heard her singing. She knew about Lorne’s gift and it was why she was careful to never sing or even hum around him, not wanting her dark past to come out.

“I think you know sugar.”

She stood quickly, frantically trying to wipe the tears from her no doubt very red eyes. “Lorne…” she started but he stopped her.

“I have been standing in the doorway since you broke the bag… again,” he informed her. Moving closer, he tried not to feel hurt when she stepped back cautiously. “Spike…”

“Don’t,” she begged, putting her hand up to stop him “Please, just don’t.”

“I know what he did with Faith. I could feel it, the hurt, the betrayal you felt when you found out he had been with her, when you realized he had lied to you. It tore you up inside to leave him.”

“Yes,” she whispered, more tears burning her eyes.

“But I feel you love for him fighting through so strongly, your forgiveness.”

“It doesn’t matter if I still love him or even if I forgive him for sleeping with her… I can never trust him again. How can you be with someone when you can’t trust them, especially when…” she started but she stopped herself from finishing out of respect for her company.

“When he’s a demon,” he finished for her.

“I allowed myself to forget what he really was… that won’t happen again,” she replied venom laced her voice, looking him dead in the eyes.

Lorne could see her anger, her lack of trust and her determination to never be hurt again. He was about to push on when Angel came down the stairs.

“Buffy, Dawn’s on the phone for you,” he informed her. She looked at him with confusion

“Cordy heard it ring in your bag and answered it, she asked me to bring it down” he explained handing her, her cellphone.

“Dawnie, is everything okay?” she asked, sounding panicked.

“Everything is fine. It’s just Faith is heading to her spiritual retreat with Giles and Willow in two days and she was going to drag me along to stuffy old England until I convinced her it was a good idea for me to hang out with you… you know… if that’s cool?”

“Are you kidding me? That would be wonderful, Dawn!”

“Awesome!” She could hear Dawn bouncing around while Faith told her to calm down.

“Buffy?” asked Faith. Clearly she had taken the phone off the over excited teen.

“Hi Faith.”

“Are you sure it’s okay for Dawn to stay with you? I’m going to be gone for about eight weeks. I don’t mind taking her with me.”

She could hear Dawn begging no in the back ground and couldn’t help but giggle. “No it’s perfectly fine, Faith. I’m happy to have her,” she reassured the other slayer. “You just take time to work on you. Dawn will be safe with me.”

“All right.”

Buffy heard Dawn scream “Yes!” and the sound of bouncing echoed through the phone again.

“Well, we’re heading out in two days by plane. Do you want me to drop Dawn off that day?”

“No it’s fine, I’ll pick her up. I have people coming to look through the house anyway. I was going to ask Giles to show them through but now I guess I can.”

“Are you selling the place?” Faith asked almost sounding fearful.

“No, I’ve been renting it out as a holiday house. Why someone would holiday in Sunnydale is beyond me,” Buffy laughed.

“Couldn’t agree more. Well, our plane leaves at eight that night.”

“Okay, I’ll be sure to get there by six, give you heaps of time.”

“I can’t thank you enough Buffy.”

“It’s not a problem, Faith. I’m happy to help. I just ask that you make sure Spike isn’t there, I would rather avoid a run in.”

“No, of course. I’ll make she he is busy out of the way”

“Thanks, tell Dawn I’ll see her in two days.”

“Will do, bye Buffy.”

“Bye,” she replied before clicking the phone shut.

“Dawn coming to stay?” she looked up at Angel’s words. She had almost forgotten that he and Lorne were still there.

“Yeah,” she replied softly before walking past them and up the stairs. Lorne sighed as Angel looked at her retreating form.

“I’m getting the feeling she doesn’t really like me.”

Lorne looked at him shaking his head. “It took you two months to figure that out, Angel cakes?”

“Well, at first I figured she was just… you know, shy, but now I think it’s me,” he said, looking a little hurt and confused.

“Don’t take it personally sugar plum, it’s not you personally, just the demon in you,” Lorne replied, patting him on the back before heading up the stairs himself.

It was then that Angel decided he had to sit down and really talk to Buffy. He didn’t like the thought of a team member who didn’t trust him because he had a demon in him. It could leave her distracted and that kind of thing got people killed in this type of work. No, tomorrow he would sit her down and they would talk, whether she liked it or not.





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