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Chapter 12

“I guess it’s my turn now.”

She shrugged. “Only if you want to tell me, I won’t force you.”

Spike shook his head. “You shared something important about your past. Even though it’s still hard for me to think about, I want you to know.” He took a deep breath before starting this particular conversation. “Her name was Drusilla, and she was one reason of why I chose to leave England. I met her about four years ago, at the time I wasn’t looking for anything. My heart was always with you, but she completely took me by surprise. I loved her. As much as I could, anyway, but I just wanted to forget about everything. She was a good distraction, for a little while at least. We were together for about a year. Dru wasn’t all there, she would constantly go on about the bloody stars and sunshine, how I would get burned by it, whatever that meant. Apparently she spent some time in a mental institution, but I didn’t care. I wanted to help her, so that’s what I devoted most of my time to. I knew I was getting in way over my head, she started to be too much for me to handle, and I couldn’t do it alone anymore. We fought constantly, and she would always accuse me of things that I didn’t do, like how she caught me cheating on her with a friend of hers, which never even happened. I talked to the bint once, and to her that meant I was being unfaithful. I lost it when she said I didn’t love her. I told her she was right. I told her that I never loved her, and that I was only with her because I felt sorry for her. It was partly true, but I should have never said it. She was sick and needed help, but as usual, I let my anger get the best of me. I just got so frustrated, and it didn’t stop there. I told her that she was the worst bloody thing that ever happened to me, that I wish I never met her and wanted to go back to the life I had before she came into it. I couldn’t stop, not even the sight of her tears could convince me. The things I said, whether I meant them or not was completely out of line.” He paused; shutting his eyes of the pain that year caused him, opening them again when he felt Buffy’s warm hand squeeze his.

“It’s okay; you don’t have to say anything else.”

He brought her hand to his lips, placing a kiss to her palm. “I need to get it out. I’ve come this far, I might as well finish.”

She nodded, keeping his hand in hers and waiting for him to continue.

“After our verbal sparring match, Drusilla smacked me hard in the face, and then took off. I waited days before going after her, which I really shouldn’t have done, but I knew it was important to give her space when she got like that. When I finally got to her apartment, there were police cars out front. I saw Drusilla being put in an ambulance. I asked what happened, but no one would tell me. It wasn’t until I got to the hospital that I found out she slit her wrists. A neighbor found her bleeding to death in the bathroom. I waited around for what seemed like forever, but Dru didn’t make it. I never stopped blaming myself for that. I knew she wasn’t stable, and I should have never let her leave so upset. The worst of it was that she didn’t only kill herself. I found out that same day that she was pregnant with my child, and there was no doubt it was mine. Drusilla never would have been involved with someone else, not in the state she was in. I left in a daze after that, went home and practically destroyed everything I could get my hands on, not to mention drinking every bit of liquor I had. I handled her funeral arrangements once I sobered up, since she didn’t really have any family. I paid my respects, and then I left as soon as she was in the ground. It may seem heartless, but I just had to get away, even though I had no destination in mind. It was then that I thought of Sunnydale, the last place I was truly happy. I came back with a plan to start over; it didn’t even occur to me that you might still be here. I had this picture in my head of you off traveling the world, married with a few little tykes of your own. It wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong.”

Buffy smiled sadly through her tears. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but for what it’s worth, I’m really glad you came back.” After everything he confessed to her, there was no way she could tell him the rest of her story. Not just yet, anyway.

He kissed her, putting all of his emotions behind the gesture. “You know that I love you, right? What I had with her, it doesn’t even compare. I didn’t love her, and she knew that. I tried so hard, but I just couldn’t. I don’t think she really loved me, either. She needed someone to depend on, and I was there when no one else was. I need you to know how much I love you, Buffy. I’m not expecting for you to say it back, but you need to know how I feel before we go any further. This is it for me. There is no doubt in my mind that you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Buffy wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his chest, the tears still flowing freely. “I love you, too. I never stopped, no matter how much I wanted to. You were still all I thought about.”

Spike returned the embrace, kissing the top of her head. “Do you remember when we first met?”

She laughed, glancing up at him. “How could I forget? You were being shoved in your locker by Riley Finn, the biggest, dumbest jock at Sunnydale High. I dated that moron, so I knew how to handle him.”

He grinned at the memory. “Yeah, like saying you would tell everyone he had a tiny dick if he didn’t leave me alone.”

“It’s a good thing he worried so much about his reputation. And trust me, I wouldn’t have been lying,” she said, indicating with her fingers just how small Riley’s manhood really was.

Spike held her closer. “I should have been offended being rescued by a girl, but when I first saw you, I was absolutely speechless. You were by far the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and I knew right then that you were completely out of my league. I figured that was the last time I would see you, but you never gave up after that. You went out of your way to befriend me, the freaky new kid, even though your friends wouldn’t approve. I fell in love with you at first sight, but it was witnessing how selfless you were that really sealed the deal. You were the most popular girl in that school, and you never once looked down on anyone who was different. How could I not love you?”

“Sometimes I wish I was still that girl,” she whispered, turning away from him. “She was strong, independent, never would have let anyone walk all over her, but after high school, it’s like all of that changed. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.”

“I know I’m mostly to blame for that and I’m so bloody sorry…”

Buffy held her hand up, cutting him off. “It wasn’t just you. Dealing with my mom’s illness, her death, it was all just too much. It was like a part of me died with her, and yeah, losing you broke my heart, but I could have probably managed if I still had her to lean on. God, I’m so sick of crying. It feels like that’s all I’ve been doing lately,” she finished, wiping away her traitorous tears. “We’re moving on now; it’s all in the past. Are we done with memory lane? I’m getting hungry.” Her stomach growling proved that a second later.

He smiled, helping her off of his bed. “That you are, let’s see about getting some nourishment for your belly.”





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