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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm very grateful to my wonderful betas. Thanks, Abby, Dawnofme, and Diebirchen. Thanks to Tanit for the fabulous banner.
Buffy sat on her sofa, eyeing both her cell and the envelope from Anne and thinking about all the things she needed to do. She didn't know if she could press on with these butterflies in her stomach, and she rubbed her temples to soothe her throbbing head from the confusion and anxiety of what to do next.

If Buffy closed her eyes, she could still feel the brief brush of Spike's lips against hers, and oh, how she longed for more, but she had to be strong. Nothing good could come from getting involved with Spike. He'd left her when she needed him. She hadn't been honest with him back then, and he'd apologized for the things he'd said so many years ago today at the restaurant, but there were other things too. He lived across the country, and she was still here in good ol' Sunnydale.

Nothing good, no siree, not one single thing, she thought.

She decided on a stalling tactic—calling her mother.

"Hey, Mom," Buffy said half-heartedly, her voice tinged with emotion and weariness.

"Hi, honey. Are you okay? You sound a little down?"

Buffy could imagine Joyce's brows wrinkling.

"I'm fine. It's just been a very emotional day. Dealing with death is not all hugs and puppies you know." Buffy didn't mean to be so harsh, but how did Joyce expect her to sound?

"I'm sorry, sweetie, I wasn't thinking." Joyce paused, her voice catching, and when she continued, she spoke just above a whisper, her empathy for Buffy's pain at losing a dear friend coming through. "I've called everyone, and I think we can expect at least 150 people for the funeral and half that for the wake. You know how well loved Anne was."

"I'm sorry I snapped at you before. It's just been kind of a roller-coaster of emotions for both of us. Spike is a wreck one minute and the next he seems fine. Would you mind handling the catering arrangements on Monday?" Buffy paced the length of couch waiting for an answer. "The service is at ten, so I would think they would need to have things set up at the house by 11:30 at the very latest," Buffy said, twirling her hair, hoping her mother with agree to help further.

"It's all right. I know you're under a lot of stress. I'm sorry for about not asking about William sooner, the poor dear. I'm so glad you're there for him, and I'm sure he appreciates it very much. Of course, I'll be happy to take care of the catering arrangements. Do you want anything in particular or do you want me to handle everything?" Joyce said, sounding sympathetic but ready for the task at hand.

"Thanks so much, Mom. You just do whatever you think is best. You've really been a huge help. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Buffy hung up the phone and went into the kitchen to get a glass of her favorite zinfandel, hoping the silky, full-bodied flavor would calm her nerves. She was still in a quandary as to what to do first. When Buffy returned to the living room, she made up her mind to start with the envelope. Buffy worried that it might contain information she needed to talk to Willow about.

Buffy set her glass down on the table, picked up the envelope and sat down on the sofa. She stared at it for a moment before ripping it open. She unfolded the paper and began to read. She read the first part and began to cry over all the kind things Anne had to say. Anne also mentioned the two things she'd left to her in her will, her silver stamped necklace with a bee in the center, which stood for friendship, and her antique diamond and ruby ring that had been her mother's before her. These were the only two pieces of jewelry Anne ever wore. This moved Buffy to tears. Until she read the final bit and found herself so astonished by what she read, she thought her eyes might pop out of her head. She had to call now.

She picked up her wine glass and took a several sips for courage, then grabbed her cell and dialed Willow's number, praying she'd answer. She answered on the third ring.

"Hey, Buffy, what's up? I tried calling earlier, but didn't get you."

The sound of something sizzling in a frying pan reminded Buffy that she'd yet to have dinner.

"Yeah, I've been busy most of the day. What's going on with you?" Buffy asked, trying to stall the inevitable.

"Oh, nothing much, Lewis is playing, and I'm making dinner. What's kept you so busy that you couldn't talk to your best friend?" Willow's tone sounded playful.

Buffy stood and began to pace the room. "Wils, Anne passed away on Friday," Buffy said, fighting the urge not cry again.

"Oh no, Buffy, I'm so sorry. Sweetie, what can I do? Do you need me to come? I can. Just say the word."

Buffy knew Willow meant every word.

"No, but thank you so much for offering. You know I love you, right?"

"Of course, and I love you, but something tells me there's more to this story. Where's Spike? Is he there yet? Have you seen him?"

Buffy bit her lip and braced herself for the conversation to come.

"Well...see the thing is, before she died, Anne made me promise to be there for him and help him with things, to…um, comfort him." Buffy was twirling her hair nervously as she spoke.

"So, he's there, and you've seen him? You know I can't stand him for what he did to you, but I'm sorry about his Mother. He must be devastated. You're doing a very kind thing, sweetie." Willow sounded supportive.

"He's an emotional wreck. I hate seeing him this way. It breaks my heart," Buffy said.

"Buffy, sweetie, tell me the truth. Do you still have feelings for him?"

Buffy sighed. "He kissed me tonight, and it was wonderful, but I ran. Being near him makes me feel wonderful and confused at the same time. Every time I touch him, I want more. Just being near him gives me tingles up my spine. Now, Anne left me this letter to open after her death. At the end, her final request was for Spike and I travel to England together to scatter her ashes on some beach. Wils, honestly I don't know if I have the courage to do it."

Buffy plopped down on the couch, exhausted from sharing so much and scared of what Willow was going to say.

"Sometimes you just have to let the past be in the past. I know he hurt you, but if you think there might be a chance for something you have open yourself up to it. I've been your friend for a long time, and I know you pretty well. I don't want you to close yourself off emotionally to something that could potentially be wonderful for you."

Buffy could tell she was wearing her resolve face, so there was no use arguing with her.

"I'll do my best." Buffy hung up with her head a little clearer. She needed to call Spike and tell him about catering arrangements.

Buffy dialed Anne's number and waited for Spike to pick up.

Spike almost didn't answer it until he saw who was calling on the caller ID.

"Hey, pet, how are you?" Spike couldn't believe she called.

"Hey, I'm fine. How'd you know it was me?" Buffy sounded surprised.

"By the magic of caller ID. I'm fine. I've written the obituary, and I was about to call a friend from the university."

"Oh, I'm sorry…I won't keep you." She hesitated for a moment before letting the rest of her words tumble from her lips in anxiousness. "I just wanted to let you know, the catering arrangements have been taken care of, and Mom has notified everyone."

"You're not keeping me from anything. The call can wait. There's a three-hour time difference remember? Look, love, I'm sorry if I frightened you or did something out of line. You ran out of here so quickly I didn't get a chance to apologize," Spike said, hoping she'd give him some explanation for her runner.

"No, don't apologize…that is unless you didn't mean it. It did frighten me a little, but it also took me by surprise. I didn't know what to do, so I panicked and ran. I just don't want to get hurt, and there are so many other issues involved. I just don't know. Can we talk about this tomorrow at dinner? I really don't feel like this is conversation for the phone."

Spike could hear the nervousness and tension in her voice.

"That's fine," he said. "Just know I would never hurt you willingly again. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight, Buffy."

Spike almost whooped with joy. Not only did she not hate him, but she'd wanted the kiss too!

Spike decided he needed to call Giles and make some plans regarding the summer semester. As was his custom, Giles answered the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Giles, it's Spike." Spike hoped this would go well, but he was asking a lot.

"Ah, Spike, how are holding up? Have you been able to make all the arrangements? Do you need me for anything? I can be on the first plane. You know I wouldn't hesitate."

Spike knew he wouldn't either. Over the years, he'd become more than a mentor, and friend. He'd also become a sort of father figure to him as well.

"Thanks for your offer, mate, but we've got everything covered here. The funeral is on Tuesday. I know it's the end of the semester, and I don't think I'll be back before then," Spike said.

"We? So you have someone to help you? I'm very glad you're not going through this alone. It pained me to think you were, and as I told you, don't worry about your classes."

Spike drummed his fingers on the coffee table as he talked, hoping to calm his nerves.

"Yes, I have help—Buffy. She's an old friend and was with Mum when she passed away. I don't know what I would do without her. Mum's final request was for us to travel to Cornwall — Padstow, specifically—and scatter her ashes there."

"Oh yes, you've spoken of her to me before. Well I am relieved to know things are better between the two of you. I know you care for her a great deal, and I'm glad she's decided to be there for you during your time of need," Giles said.

Spike bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut before continuing, praying this would end well. "I don't think that with the sale of the house and taking care of all of Mum's things, plus the trip to England I'll be back for the summer session either. Do you think there'll still be a place for me in the fall?" Spike's stomach clenched awaiting the answer.

"Don't worry about the summer session. I'll take care of it. You just focus on taking care of things there. If there's anything I can do don't hesitate to call."

"Thanks, Giles, this means so much to me. I appreciate all your help. I'll call again when I know more. Good night."

Spike breathed a huge sigh of relief. He'd been so worried he might not have a job to go back to if he took the summer off.

His thoughts drifted back to Buffy, and he realized there were many obstacles they would have to get past if they wanted to make a go of it. He decided he was willing overcome any of them to be with her. She was worth it.



Chapter End Notes:
I'm very anxious to read your reactions to Buffy's letter. I do hope you'll share them with me.



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