When Angel stepped from the shadows the moonlight threw him into sharp relief. Every feature, every part of him which Buffy had so often thought and dreamt about in the past was there, right before her eyes.
And other than annoyance she didn’t feel a thing. Her heart maintained its steady beat within her chest. It didn’t flutter. It didn’t stir. When she looked at him she realised that whatever feelings she once had for him were gone. Long gone.
Unfortunately it quickly became clear his feelings for her were not.
He was wearing his most soulful, brooding expression and reached out a hand to her, which Buffy quickly stepped away from. To her surprise the pain which passed through his eyes at her action caused her no pain at all. While she didn’t want any particular harm to come to him her concern for his well being was the concern she held for any resident of Sunnydale. It was concern for a stranger.
“What are you doing here Angel?” Buffy was tired, and looking forward to a relaxing night, and possibly a kinky phone call, so her voice came out a bit harsher than she'd intended.
He was visibly shocked. “Buffy, surely it’s obvious why I’m here? I wanted to see you, talk to you. Make sure that you’re alright. I thought it would be for the best if, after that night, I went away for a while. Gave us both time to calm down and get our heads together. But I'm back now.”
Buffy sighed. This was just so Angel. Making out that he cared for her well being, but not actually doing a thing to secure it. She hadn’t seen him for almost a month. For over half of that time she’d been grieving the loss of Spike, in pain so severe she couldn’t bare to think about it. And where had he been? Not comforting her. Not helping her come up with a plan to get Spike back. Not doing anything at all. He’d probably been off brooding somewhere. She wished that was where he’d stayed.
“Yeah. I can see you're back. And as you can see I’m fine. I am tired though, so if we could make this quick I’d appreciate it.”
Buffy almost giggled at the expression on Angels face, he'd moved beyond broody to crestfallen.
“Uh, well, could we maybe take the conversation inside?” Angel glanced hopefully towards the front door. “I was going to go into your bedroom to wait for you, but I didn’t know if my invitation was still revoked?” He said the last bit hopefully.
Buffy decided it was probably kinder in the long run to crush that hope now. “It is still revoked, and I don’t plan on renewing it any time soon. We can talk fine out here.”
Angel opened and closed his mouth several times. He looked remarkably like a guppy fish. “Surely you can’t mean that Buffy? I’ve missed you, I know you must have missed me too. Whatever I did when I was Angelus, that wasn’t me, the real me. You know the real me, you love me. You know I’ll do whatever I can to make this right. We can get past this.”
Buffy shook her head, but there was no regret in her voice. “Get past you killing Jenny Calendar? Get past you letting Drusilla kill Kendra? Get past you trying, repeatedly, to kill me and everyone that I love? I don’t think so Angel. It might not have been ‘you’ that did those things, but it was a demon wearing your face, I just can’t look at you the same way anymore. I don’t want to.”
Angel took a step forward, Buffy took a step back. “But Buffy you have to get past this, you don’t have a choice. We’re meant for each other, predestined. You have to love me, you can’t deny what’s been prophesised.”
Buffy put a hand on her hip and flicked her hair back. She was starting to get mad, and having to look up at him to talk was giving her a crick in the neck. “I have to love you do I? Well, I don’t, so the prophesy can shove it.”
Buffy was sure she heard Angel growl. She wasn’t the only one getting angry. “What’s happened to you? Why are you acting like this? This isn’t you. You must be under some kind of spell, or manipulation – “
“Why? Because I’m thinking for myself? Because I’m relying on my own guidance, not yours? The days of you telling me what to do, and making me do ‘what’s best’ are over. Just like us.” He still didn’t look like he was getting it, so Buffy added, for good measure, “I. Dont. Love. You.”
This time he definitely growled, and took two quite menacing steps forward. “Buffy –“
Suddenly he stopped and sniffed the air. He was closer to Buffy now, and what he smelt on her had him tensing with rage.
“Spike? What’s going on? How can you smell of him? He was sent to hell.”
Buffy stepped rapidly backwards as he made to come closer. “I went and got him back.”
Angel’s eyes flashed golden. “You went and got him back? From hell? Why would you do something so foolish? So stupid and unnecessary?”
Buffy bristled. “It was necessary. He should never have been there, he did it to save you. It wasn’t right. And I need him.”
Angel gave a harsh laugh, which reminded Buffy unpleasantly of Angelus. He even sounded like him when he next spoke. “You need him? How could you possibly need him? He’s never been much use to anyone, and he certainly isn’t your champion.”
Buffy backed up several steps, getting closer to the door. She snorted. “And you are? Over a champion whose tried to kill me, and a champion who only ever tries to save my life, I think I’ll take the second option thanks.”
Angel sneered. “You’re covered in him. You reek of him. It’s disgusting. Were you carrying on with him when you were with me? I bet you were. I didn’t know you at all, did I? You come over all innocent, all naive and moral, when really you’ll go with anyone that’ll have you. I bet even Xander’s had a go, hasn’t he?”
Buffy saw the way Angel was prowling towards her. His sweet ‘still love me’ routine was over. His pride had been dented to hell, and he wasn’t going to take it lying down. She had never known him, as Angel, to speak this cruelly, this coldly. She was beginning to think that perhaps Angelus and Angel weren’t that different after all. She moved closer to the door, so her hand was resting on the handle.
“Angel, I don’t want to hurt you, but if you carry on talking like that I will. Happily. Please just leave me alone. Get on with your life someplace else. Help people if you want repentance, do something other than waiting around to uselessly warn me of stuff like a fortune cookie.”
Angel watched her open the door, and flashed out a hand to grab her, but she was within the barrier and out of his reach before he could make contact. He wasn’t done though.
“So what is it about ‘Spike’ that you find so appealing Buffy? Really I’d like to know, because I’m drawing a blank here. He certainly couldn’t satisfy Drusilla, she had to keep running to me.”
Buffy felt a stab of deep, brutal anger. He could pick all the fights he wanted with her, but starting on Spike? That was crossing the line. The callousness of her own voice shocked her. “Actually Angel he satisfies me more with a kiss then you did the whole time we were together. I don’t think our little fumble could be called satisfying, do you?”
Angels eyes were fully yellow now, and he threw himself at the barrier, snarling.
“Even after everything I’ve done I’m still better than he is Buffy! You’ll realise it soon enough. Just spend some more time with him, see for yourself what a snivelling waste of space he is!”
Buffy smiled coldly. “I plan on spending a lot more time with him, and I highly doubt my feelings for him will change. He’s in my heart Angel. I think he was always there. Deal with it.”
Buffy went to close the door, to block Angel from her house, from her life, but his next disdainful words stopped her in her tracks.
“He’s in your heart is he? Funny, I thought only vampires with a soul earned that privilege.”
Buffy was shocked into absolute silence. Angel saw the way the colour left her face, the way her eyes went dull, and practically crowed with delight. She might not want him anymore, but he’d make damn certain she wouldn’t want Spike either. “Oh, forget to mention that one did he? Didn’t your precious champion tell you he hasn’t got a soul?”
Buffy found her voice, it was croaky but hers. “You’re wrong.”
Angel smirked and shook his head. “Don’t think I am sweetheart. Do you think his loving father would have kept him alive if he’d seen a soul in him? He would have been dust before he reached his fifth birthday if he had. But no, the Predator was a soulless demon, and so was the son he produced.”
Buffy was shaking her head wildly. “You’re wrong. Spike has a soul, I know he does. Why else would he have helped generations of slayers? He’d be killing them if he didn’t have a soul, not saving them. He killed his father because of what he did to a slayer, for what he did to his mother.”
Angel laughed. It clawed at Buffy’s skin. “Are you stupid Buffy? Spike hated his father, didn’t like the idea of being used as a weapon by him. He wanted to do things his own way. Killing the Predator had nothing to do with avenging his mother; he was looking after his own interests.”
Buffy remembered something, and said triumphantly, “But you said that in the years he spent with you after the death of his father he didn’t like hunting, would avoid it at all costs. And he fell in love with a human. He wouldn’t be able to love if he didn’t have a soul.”
Angel rolled his eyes. “He didn’t like hunting because he’s not a full vampire. He needs blood to live, but he doesn’t crave it like we do. The hunger isn’t so strong. And just because he wasn’t fond of hunting doesn’t mean he didn’t love violence. He always loved a good fight, ‘fists and fangs’ is what he called it. And demons can love, in their own twisted way. It’s a possessive kind of love though. Destructive. That girl was his pet, his play thing. If he really loved her he would never have slept with her and got her pregnant, not when he knew that her family would have disowned her if they knew about it.”
Everything Angel was saying had a horrible ring of truth to it. Spike did love violence, and he had once told her that he liked to fight best when he was up against it, ‘fists and fangs all out’. And if he had loved that girl would he have destroyed her prospects like that? Dragged her into danger as he had? But then Buffy thought of something else.
“If he has no soul then how come he does what he does? No one’s making Spike save slayers, he does it because he wants to. Because he knows it’s right.”
Angel shook his head. “Once again Buffy your showing your stupidity. Because of his whore of a mother Spike inherited slayer qualities, slayer visions. He knew that if he acted the way his nature told him to the council would send their full force after him. He’d probably survive in a fight against the slayer, but he wouldn’t have had a chance against the full weight of the council. So he concocted his ‘saving slayers’ bit. It kept the council off his back, and meant he could enjoy all the carnage. He does it because he loves the fight, not because he wants to serve good. As long as he gets to participate in some destruction he doesn’t care what side he’s on. He doesn’t have a soul Buffy. He doesn’t do what’s right, just what he wants to do. Spike just careens through life, he doesn’t care about the people he gets involved with. One day he might get bored of saving slayers.”
Buffy suddenly remembered that Spike had disappeared after the death of the slayer Nicky Wood, and had never given a real explanation for it. He’d made out it was because he was grieving, because he felt guilty for not being able to save her. What if he’d been lying?
“One day he might decide to turn on slayers. That day might come soon Buffy. He might turn on you. And you will never see it coming.”
Against her will Buffy thought of all the friends Spike had mentioned, and those she had actually met. All demons. Soulless demons like Vix, and this Anna he was collecting from LA. None of them could be considered good, and Spike didn’t seem to care at all. What did that say about him? How much did she really know about him? Slayers didn’t need saving all the time, what did he do for the rest of it? Then she remembered Tarot. He had said Spike drew the death card. Every time. What did that mean?
Angel could tell his last remarks had hit home, Buffy could think of nothing to say in response, and had stopped slowly shaking her head. Satisfied that he’d achieved his goal Angel turned to go, leaving just one parting comment to the slayer he had hoped would be his salvation.
“He might be in your heart Buffy, but how long will he stay there now you know?”
Buffy was still standing by the open door long after he’d left.
Joyce was at an exhibition opening, and wouldn’t be home for some time. When Buffy could finally move she went upstairs to her room, got into bed fully clothed and lay in the dark with her dark thoughts.
A little later the phone started to ring. She knew it was Spike, ringing to say he’d arrived in LA. Her heart leapt at the thought of talking to him, but she ignored it, and she ignored the phone.
The phone continued to ring on and off for the next hour.
Buffy lay in the dark listening to the sound of the ringing, and listening to the much louder sound of her own tears.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I know I said ages ago there were only one or two more chapters left in this particular story, but I misjudged my ability to ramble! I'm afraid there will be a couple more after this one, I'll try and get them done and uploaded as soon as possible! Thank you so much again for all the reviews, really appreciate them. so sorry if I haven't got round to replying to yours personally, it still meant a lot to me!