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Author's Chapter Notes:
god so sorry this has taken so long!
Just a quick reminder that this story is off cannon. I have used some events from the series, but some situations will be very different in terms of time and the outcome!
The weeks passed quickly after that, and the ticks next to Spikes sadistic shopping list grew. He turned up a few days after Kendra made her appearance, and Buffy’s world had been, once again, thrown in a hole.

She wasn’t sure how she felt about there being another slayer, that she was no longer the only one, the only chosen one. The burden of fighting the darkness was no longer just hers to shoulder. And Kendra was made for her calling, she lived it, breathed it. It was a relief, it was. She had even been thinking that maybe she could give up slaying, leave it to Kendra, have a normal life full of normal things. And yet...

She was musing on her very confused feelings out on patrol one night when Spike decided to jump out of a freshly dug grave yelling ‘Surprise!'

He seemed to find her reaction, almost having a heart attack, really amusing. She pushed down the urge to beat him to a pulp, or try anyway, but still failed to see the funny side.

She also failed to notice the decided fluttering in her chest that had nothing to do with shock, but everything to do with seeing him again.

They talked that night; they talked more than they ever had before. Spike was, for once, in a serious mood and kept his innuendos to a minimum. Buffy told him exactly how she felt. Things came out she hadn’t even realised she’d been feeling, things she wouldn’t have shared with her best friends.

Spike listened to all of it, without judgement or question or surprise. He just listened, and looked at her with those eyes which seemed to see so much more than her own.

When she had run out of steam Spike asked, “D’you think you could? D’you think that after everythin you’ve seen, everythin you’ve done, that you could ever be normal?”

Buffy didn’t know how to reply, so she didn’t, and Spike continued. “You’re not normal pet, you won’t ever be normal. You’re so much more than normal. I think, deep down, you know that normal would never be enough for you. You have a purpose, a reason for being, that other people will never have. You’re the slayer.”

Buffy pouted at the notion that she wasn’t normal, but was secretly thrilled with his comment that she was ‘so much more’ then normal. “I’m not the slayer anymore though am I? I’m one slayer. Kendra’s a slayer too."

Spike lit another cigarette but didn’t reply. He was staring off into space and Buffy got the feeling that he was seeing something she couldn’t yet again. She decided to voice the main concern she’d had since Kendra had shown up. She tried not to sound stroppy as she asked, “So, I guess you’re Kendra’s saviour too then? Seeing that were both slayers and all. You’ll be helping her out, getting to know her...”

Spike shrugged. “Haven’t met her yet.”

Buffy was shocked, she’d been sure that Spike would have been annoying Kendra with his annoyingly hot self from the minute he’d found out about her. She was stupidly relieved that they weren’t already bosom buddies.

“How come?”

Spike seemed to be avoiding her eyes. “You’re my slayer pet.”

Buffy stopped dead at his words. She felt the shock of an almost electrical force run through her. It felt good to have him say stuff like that. Too good.

Spike shot her a rueful grin. “Anyhow, got a feeling I’ll have my hands full lookin after you, don’t reckon I’ll have the time to run about after another slayer an all."

Buffy actually giggled, and swatted his arm. “So you don’t see any big dramas in her future that will require a knight in leather duster?”

Spikes smile had dropped right away, and he got all twitchy.

“Spike? Spike what is it?”

“I’d better go pet; captain forehead’s plannin on surprisin you, all romantic like. He’ll be here any minute an if he sees you’ve been hanging out with my hunky self he might actually express some kinda emotion. His face would crack from the strain... it’d get bloody messy.”

Buffy grabbed him to prevent his customary swaggering off. “Spike? What aren’t you telling me? Is it about Kendra?”

Spike didn’t say a word, but squeezed her hand gently before running, or more accurately, disappearing, into the night.

Angel had shown up minutes later and Buffy immediately, practically almost, kinda, forgot that she had seen Spike at all.

Things with Angel were going so well. They hadn’t said the L-word yet, but she knew he felt it. He had to feel it, because she felt it too.
***





Then they said it. The L-word. On a night so alternately awful and beautiful that it would forever be seared into Buffy’s mind, she and Angel loved each other, in every meaning of the word.

It was amazing. It was perfect. It was her dream. It was her nightmare.

The morning was a hellish whirl of destruction. Buffy didn’t think it could be possible that, after being so close to somebody, so close that bodies and souls were joined, she could feel so totally, utterly alone. She went to bed with Angel. She woke up with someone she didn’t know.

Angelus. She didn’t know it was him at the time, she thought it was her Angel saying those things, making her feel so small, so worthless.

She was hurt. Hurt didn’t even cut it. She was broken.

Then Miss Calendar had come clean, and Buffy knew that Angel had lost his soul. Because of her. Because of her one of the most ruthless and sadistic vampires of all time was loose once more. The itty bitty pieces she had broken into were pulverised into dust.

She wanted her mom. She knew she could talk to her mom about the fact that she and her boyfriend had broken up. Her mom would listen, her mom would care and sympathise and think she understood. But her mom would never know.

She and Angel had been predestined. Meant to be. She was his and he was hers and now it was over. It was worse than over. It was like it had never been. The man she loved, the man who had loved her, was gone, leaving behind only a monster.

For days she had hoped that Spike would come, would take the hurt away and tell her why, why this had happened. Only he could see what would happen next, whether things would ever get better. She needed to know. She had to know.

Spike never came. She complained bitterly to herself that he always seemed to be around when he wasn’t wanted, and now that she was crying out for him she got nothing. Every time she smelt cigarette smoke, or saw a flash of black, her poor abused heart would leap, only to be disappointed every time. She didn’t question why she needed to see Spike so much, she didn’t have the energy.


Things didn’t get better. It was quickly apparent that Angelus and Drusilla had united. Terrifying threats and a mass increase in dead and missing people had all the scoobies on edge. Whilst Buffy knew that they had to be stopped she didn’t know how to stop them, or even if she could.

Buffy needed her mom. Spike was right. Her mom should know she was the slayer. She would panic, and worry and do all the other things moms do but she needed to know what her life was like. Her mom needed to know. Until she did they could never be there for each other in the way a mother and daughter should.

Then the very worst happened. Miss Calendar. Miss Calendar was killed. Giles was plunged into his own personal hell, and no one knew quite what to say or do to help him. The guilt Buffy felt was overwhelming, if she’d tried, really tried, to seek out Drusilla and Angelus, she could have found them. If she had really tried she might have been able to stop them. But she didn’t really try. The thought of stopping Angelus, of killing Angel... she couldn’t bare it. And because of her selfishness Jenny was dead, and Giles was now as lost as Buffy herself was.

Things got worse and worse after that.


After a particularly awful week, in which the ghost of a long dead, murderous ex Sunnydale High student decided it was time for a good old fashioned haunting, Buffy needed a hug more than anything else in the world and she knew it was time to tell her mom the truth.

She had decided. She was resolved. She headed home, still freaked out over her latest, and perhaps worse, Angelus encounter. When they had been possessed they had been in love again. Desperately, passionately in love. And again it had ended in disaster.

Before she could dissolve into a pulpy mess of tears she braced herself for the next wild dip in her ever moving emotional rollercoaster. Buffy opened the front door and prepared to face the most intimidating force the world could provide; her mother.

Before she had even stepped fully through the front door her mom was upon her. Rather than an angry tirade about Buffy missing dinner yet again, she threw her arms around her in a surprising, but incredibly welcome, way.

“Oh honey, I’m so glad your home safe. I kept dinner back so we could eat together.” She smiled at Buffy and stroked her cheek before noticing her shocked expression.

“Oh no, no one got hurt did they? Willow, or Xander or Mr Giles?” Buffy could only shake her head dumbly. Joyce lowered her voice “You did sort out the problem at the school didn’t you?”

Buffy opened and closed her mouth several times before her shock level rocketed still further by the appearance of Spike, who was very much in her hallway, talking to her mom as though they were old friends.

“Joyce, I know I’m a cheeky bugger but is there any chance of one of your hot chocolates?”

Joyce squeezed Buffy’s hand before turning to Spike with an indulgent look on her face. “Of course, I’m sure Buffy could do with one too. I just bought in a new pack of those little marshmallows you like.”

Spike suddenly looked as excited as a schoolboy. He actually bounced on his heels a bit.

Joyce went off to the kitchen, but before Buffy could round on Spike in the way she fully intended to he pressed a hand against her mouth, which silenced her completely.

His hand was cold, not as cold as Angels had been (she pushed the painful remembrance of his touch away) but still icey. It was an icey touch that seemed to burn, a cold fire. For the first time in a long time Buffy could feel her heart and it was racing.

Spike winked at her and muttered a word Buffy could never have pronounced, let alone understood, and the air suddenly felt very thick and strange. Spike took his hand away. She felt empty at the sudden loss of contact, and then felt stupid for it.

“Before you get your knickers in a twist slayer let me have my say alright?”

“Spike what the hell is going on? And what did you just do?!” Buffy’s voice came out in an odd high pitched hiss, her very much confused-and-annoyed-that-she-was-confused voice.

Spike sighed. “If you’ll shut your trap for a second I’ll tell you. I just slowed down time for a bit, so we could have a chance to chit chat while your mum’s out the room.”

“You slowed down time?” If it was possible Buffy felt even more confused.

Spike waved his hand as if it was no big deal. “Just made it so a second for us is an hour for everyone else. It’s nothin. But I can’t do it for long so I’m going to talk without you interruptin every five seconds.”

Before Buffy could give any kind of reply Spike barrelled on. “I knew you’d come to see that I, as usual, was right and that your mum needed to know about you bein the slayer an all, an I knew that you were dreadin the conversation you’d have to have an all the explainin you’d have to do, so I thought I’d make it easier on you. I came round earlier an had a lil chat with your mum...”

Buffy’s eyes were majorly narrowed. “What kinda ‘lil chat’? And how did you get her to let you in?”

Spike grinned. “Your mums a nice lady pet but she sure ain’t the shiniest trinket in the jewellery box. Told her I was a friend of yours an she let me right on in. Any who, I did a little... memory augmentation spell. Now she knows you’re the slayer, but she thinks she knew right from the start.”

“YOU DID A SPELL ON MY MOM?”

“Quiet down you stupid bint! Time might be movin slowly but you can still shatter a mans ear drums. It was a simple spell, nothin to it. And it won’t cause no harm whatsoever to your mum. She’s right as rain, and while not exactly doin cartwheels about the whole slayer situation she’s come to terms with it. Well, her memories now tell her she has.”

Buffy breathed heavily. It was a lot to take in. Her mom knew she was the slayer. Her mom knew and they were still talking, still close. There would be no more having to sneak out or lying through her teeth all the time. Everything was out in the open. She knew she should thank Spike, he’d done her a massive favour after all, but she had a few questions for him before he got any sort of praise.

“My mom was acting as though she knew you well, who does she think you are?”

“As far as she’s concerned I’m another watcher of sorts, though obviously younger and better lookin then Giles. I come round now and again, have a hot chocolate with her and a chat about you.” Spike looked both proud and smug. “She likes me”.

Buffy laughed, “Only because you made her think she does!”

Spike shook his head, “No, I can’t change her opinions of people, just alter how she knows them. She would have got to know me eventually, how she sees me now is how she would have seen me anyway. Same goes with her reaction about you bein the slayer. Sure she might have been a bit ga ga about it at first but she would of gotten used to it and been as supportive as she’s goin to be now.”

Buffy was about to ask her next question but Spike beat her to it. “I’m sorry about Miss Calendar pet. I knew it was goin to happen, but believe me when I say I couldn’t have done anythin about it. Ditto Angel bein all soul losing. I knew those things were goin to happen but I didn’t know when or how. An I knew that they had to happen, an would happen whatever. They were two things that were set.”

Buffy swallowed a sudden lump in her throat and nodded through bleary eyes. She’d known deep down that Spike would have stopped those awful things from happening if he could have, but it was good to hear him say it, that nothing could have been done. It wasn’t completely her fault.

As though reading her mind Spike said, “Wasn’t your fault pet, none of it. Nor what’s coming.”

Buffy found her voice after a struggle. “What’s coming Spike?”

Spike just gave her a small smile and whispered that unpronounceable word again. The air seemed to lighten instantly and time was restored. Spike went to the kitchen, with Buffy hot on his heels.

There then followed Buffy’s weirdest evening ever, which, considering her life was saying something. She drank hot chocolate with her mom and Spike. She talked shop, first wearily and then gladly. She tried, and failed, to stop Spike stealing all the mini marshmallows. They had dinner in front of the telly, and Spike and her mom tried to show her the joys of Passions. Buffy was laughing for the first time in what felt like forever, and little pieces of herself which had come adrift started to knit themselves back together.

Much later they left Joyce asleep on the couch and went to Buffy’s room. Spike looked at her with his head tilted to one side and his blue eyes full of something Buffy couldn’t name. It was all too much for her and she burst into tears. In less than a second Spike had her in his arms. He held her, their bodies fitting perfectly together, while she cried out all the pain and terror of the last few weeks.

When Buffy had got to the snuffly stage Spike said, “You about done there pet? I’m pretty bloody wet here.”

Buffy choked on her laugh and hit him on the chest. “I knew you being nice couldn’t last”.

Spike chuckled and the rumbling of his chest warmed Buffy through. “I’m the big bad baby, I don’t do nice.”

“You do with my mom!” Buffy adopted a pretty awful English accent “Oh Joyce no one makes hot chocolate like you! This meatloaf is the best I’ve ever had! Blah bloody blah!” Buffy dissolved into giggles. “Yep, you’re definitely the big bad!”

“Watch it slayer, part vamp here, very close to your neck...”

Buffy just laughed harder, and made no move to pull out of Spikes arms. She actually pulled him closer as she asked, “When will you be back again?”

“Sooner this time pet.” Spikes voice dropped a little, “We’re nearing the end of this particular funathon”

“I wish you could tell me how this is going to end.”

“I wish I knew pet. Some things are set, some things aren’t. At this point things could change. But don’t worry slayer, whatever happens I’ve got your back.”

Buffy wasn’t going to argue that she didn’t need anyone to watch her back, that she could take care of herself.

After everything that had happened it was odd but for once in her life she was glad she was the slayer. Because she was the slayer she got her very own saviour. She knew without question that Spike was the strongest ally she would ever have, and he would give his life for her in a second. Even though she would never let it come to that, it meant more to her than she could say.

He suddenly pulled away from her enough that he could see her face. “Slayer, how would you feel about some combat training?”

Buffy was surprised by the conversation turn but gave him a cheeky grin as she replied, “After how much you ate tonight I’d think you’d want a nap first."

He rolled his eyes. “Funny luv. I thought we could maybe meet up a couple of times a week, go over the basics, perhaps work in some more advanced weapon trainin, the sword and that.”

Buffy was, though she never would have admitted it, too excited by the prospect of seeing Spike on a regular basis and training with him to realise that there was more to Spike's request then wanting to hang out with her.





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