Single book of matches,
Gonna burn what's standing in the way.
Roaring down the mountain,
Now they're calling on the fire brigade.
Bury all the pictures,
and tell the kids that I'm okay.
If'n I'm forgotten,
You'll remember me for today.
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
I...
All the black inside me
Is slowly seeping from the bone.
Everything I cherish
Is slowly dying, or it's gone.
Little shaken babies
And drunkards seem to all agree,
Once the show gets started,
It's bound to be a sight to see.
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
I don't wanna be here holding on.
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
I...
Watch her roll,
Can you feel it?
Watch her roll,
Can you feel it?
Watch her roll,
Can you feel it?
Watch her roll,
Can you feel it?
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
I don't wanna be here holding on.
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
I...
They had beaten her badly one night. She hadn't expected such a coordinated attack from rookie Slayers. After all they had given up being part of the army, why would they still practice the skills? Perhaps it was simply to punish her. Trying to fuck the world out of existence was bound to create some enemies.
And boy had they hated her. Buffy touched the left side of her face, flinching when the ruined flesh began to seep blood. Nothing had managed to mark her like this. Nothing. She folded her hands in her lap, hoping that maybe if she kept still this would turn out to be a bad dream. She had had thoughts like this before, about what happened when something got most of her but didn't manage to kill the last part.
Besides what else could they take from her?
She settled back into the pillows behind her, thankful that they were hard and not that disgusting marsh mellow soft. She needed to be hard, stony even. It was only when she was a general that she had power to control things.
"But you're not." She whispered the words to herself, still trying to believe that it was true. Her jaw ached like the first time Spike had punched her after losing the chip. The bones had taken weeks to knit back together, Slayer healing or no Slayer healing. She wouldn’t look beyond her lap. There was a horrible numb feeling that wouldn’t subside and she couldn't, she just couldn't go there. Instead her thoughts sunk back to them. Giles was dead, Faith had been favored over her and her life? Her life was like something out of a deranged fantasy concocted by Glory, The First and every other creature that she had silenced.
But it was all on her. The Slayers had been sure to remind her as well.
One minute she had been shoving her stake into the shattered chest of a fledgling and the next moment she was on her back.
Lying on her back had never been a good position for her. Not with Angel, or when I was drowning, Spike…
But there had been no time to think of him, of them. A steel caped boot had slammed into her face instantly. And then she was being battered by something heavy and metal. It cracked into her ribs like a sledgehammer, and then again and again.
"Don’t kill her." The voice said the words hastily, bloodlust lingering in the night air.
Fear seized roiled inside her. What did they have planned if not death?
She forced her tongue to move, trying to ask them, but the words wouldn't come out. She felt her jaw break as that boot forced its way into the side of her face. Kill me. Finally, please, just let it be over.
"I know, I know", said the other. "She needs to suffer though." Buffy heard one grunt with exertion and then her right leg was being smashed into something unimaginable. Pain ratcheted through her like a bullet from Warren's gun. She couldn't breathe anymore the pain was so great. Her heart was thundering in her skull and the blood… there was blood everywhere.
It flooded what little remained of her senses. Maybe they meant to leave her here for some fledgling. Horror made her reach out again. So much of her fears had been wrapped up in this moment. It made sense for anyone mortal but Buffy had already died. To do so again, like some animal being tortured by senseless children was far worse. What purpose did her life have if it ended like this?
Nothing. Just like her. I'm nothing; not a leader of Slayers, not even the Slayer, just a victim, a girl. If she could have willed herself to move, Buffy would have sobbed.
She hadn't seen it in the beginning. Moving on from Sunnydale had made her feel like she could change, if not for the better than to help others be better. Yet instead she had become someone awful. Wherever she went there was death. Her friends and family had suffered. They had all suffered.
And now it was her turn.
She tried to move herself but ended up flopping uselessly like a fish. They were standing above her, four heads of anger. In her swimming vision, she saw only flashes of long and short hair, the colours and styles too difficult to make out.
One snorted to her left. It sounded like laughter but she couldn't work it out. She couldn't make sense of anything. Buffy opened her mouth, trying to make a sound, to scream even, but all that came out was blood. How could it be humans that would kill her? Where was Spike? Her eyes watering and strained by the light that flooded down on her from torches, wandered between the jean-coated legs. He had to be here. He just had to be. It wouldn't be right without Spike some how. She needed his voice, gravelly and mean. She needed to see his mouth leering as he promised her that the day had finally arrived.
But she was alone.
Hands grasped hold of her shirt. It had been a boring cream before tonight. She tried not to vomit at the crimson stains which had seeped across it. One face swam into focus, but she couldn't remember her name.
Buffy squinted, the gash on her forehead seeming to throb as a knife slid into her stomach.
And then she, the Slayer, twisted it.
"That's for taking away my life, bitch."
The words rolled over her head. Buffy couldn't hear them, didn't know how to understand them even as that horrible wound began to grow. The muscles in her stomach had been torn apart when the Slayer turned the blade and now… Now she had to die in front of four girls, mute. She stared helplessly at the buried hilt.
"WHhh…" she tried to speak through the pain. Words blossomed in her mind of what she would've said. I'm sorry. I didn't know it would happen like this. I was just trying to help you, to help myself.
"Shut the fuck up." There was a knee pressing into her ruined leg. Buffy could see the sharp glint of bone. "I don't want to ever hear you speak again. You ruined everything, you know? We could have been a force for good but you didn't like the world as it was. Fucking Buffy Summers had to change everything. Well now I'm going to end you." The girl paused as Buffy's eyes started to roll back into her head. She slapped her. "Don't you dare pass out before we're finished! I want you to know the pain you have caused." The girl Slayer gestured around them, no doubt to her friends who stood watching. "You took what I wanted more than anything in the world. I used to have a choice. I could have not been a Slayer. I could've had a man and a family and a life. You and that fucking scythe ruined everything. And now I will take it from you, your choice. You could've walked away from destroying us, from taking away our right to be human." A giggle fell from soft plush lips. "Now you'll never be able to walk away from anything. You will forever think of me, of us and what's worse you'll never be able to kill anything or anyone again."
The girl let go of Buffy's shirt, watching as she collapsed into the still earth.
"Enjoy Hell, Summers."
There was no one to help her when the match hit her cheek.
Dawn liked to come during the day. At a quarter to three every single afternoon, she would make her way into the hospital room. It was a long walk from the apartment she shared with Xander but Dawn had insisted that she didn't mind.
Her long brunette hair was in a long braid today. She had taken to simple looks since she fell pregnant. She liked to say that it made her look more matronly, if that was possible. Her stomach was convex now and it wobbled each time she moved around the bed. Buffy thought the whole thing was funny in its own way. Dawn had adopted soft pastel colours for her new 'mommy' wardrobe but she couldn't look less like an expectant mother if she went goth.
Dawn had begun to take on a glow that only those happy could exude.
A soft blue coat that wouldn't fit around her belly hung off her shoulders. It was probably raining outside. Buffy didn't comment on it. She couldn't. Dawn should have been at home, preparing for a baby. Instead she was here trying to nurse back to health a body that didn't want to move.
Buffy didn't want to think of herself as a person anymore. It hurt too much.
Dawn was saying something particularly commonsense but Buffy ignored the words. If she just listened to the cadence of it maybe she could fall asleep.
"… I called him." Dawn said. "I know you don’t want anyone to know," and then she held up a hand as though to halt Buffy before she could start screaming, "but it's for the best."
Buffy gaped at her. Not Spike. She couldn't allow Spike to see her like this. Broken.
Dawn was looking at her, she could feel it but it wouldn't be anything compared to the disgust and revulsion that Spike would feel.
"He didn't believe me at first", Dawn continued. "Said that you could handle anyone, particularly 'bite sized Buffy-wannabes'. And then when he finally did," Dawn turned to her, hand enveloping her folded ones, "there was so much sorrow."
"You shouldn't have said anything." She sounded petulant but Buffy didn't care anymore. She shouldn't even exist.
You will forever think of me, of us.
"What did you expect me to do? Keep you a secret forever?" There was so much pain in Dawn's voice. It echoed about the room even as the taller girl took a seat. No, not a girl, Dawn was the woman now, the complete woman who had everything. Both her legs. "I think I have done everything you wanted Buffy. I mean, Faith has no idea and she could actually help you, you know. They have procedures now for what happened." A hand brushed over the riddled flesh as though it was normal, perfect. "I know that you could have a life, if you wanted one."
Buffy tried to control her tears, sucking in deep barrelfuls of air until her eyes became relatively dry. "I wish I was just gone, Dawn. I don’t fit anywhere. You, you have Xander and…"
"A baby." Dawn supplied. "I know and you still fit into that. You were my sister and Xander's friend long before we ever got together. If you just agreed to live with us I would never have told Spike at all."
"Then why did you? To humiliate me? Oh, let's look at Buffy the monstrosity of a Slayer who can't even do that anymore." She could taste tears now but the sobs, the horrible shaking which had hold of her chest, was worse. "I don't have a purpose anymore, Dawn. I'm just this useless hunk of flesh." She ripped back the sheets which covered her lower half and pointed at the stump. "This is all I am now and it's all anyone is ever going to see."
Dawn was at her side in a second. Her hands pulled at her as though she could truly force Buffy to move against her will. Buffy could have resisted but found herself relinquishing control. "Look at me." Deep brown eyes searched her face as though looking for the person she had been. "You have always been there for me. You have grounded me, died for me and bled for me. Now, I want to give you something in return."
"Spike is not going to want anything to do with me." The truth made Buffy feel even worse but it needed to be said.
"Then why is he coming?" Dawn was now staring at her like she was an idiot. "He does have other things he could be doing." Dawn picked up the hospital bed cloth and settled it over the bed, once more covering her lower half. Inside, Buffy released a sigh of relief. She could barely function with that absent leg in her line of sight.
"I don't know what's going to happen when he gets here, Buffy, but you can't tell me you're mad that I called him." She smiled as Buffy gaped at her. Fury raced over her untouched skin. She winced at the feeling of moving her left side of her face. It still felt so strange. "I'm hoping that this will be the thing to set you right, set all of us on the good path. There's been so much pain for so unbelievably long. Don't you want to just rest and be happy?"
I'm a Slayer. There is no such thing as rest.
"Me plus Spike has never equaled happy feelings."
"Bullshit," said Dawn. She lifted her eyebrows high as though to reproach Buffy for even thinking of nagging her about her language. She was going to be a mother. She could handle a few swear words just as well as anyone. "You've never allowed yourself to love him. Even when we were all together, you were all with the 'fallen warrior therefore no smoochies' mode. And then the whole Angel/Twilight thing."
"Don't. Buffy had heard enough. "Just don't."
"Fine," Dawn said roughly, "but don't act like an ass when he gets here. I've been convincing Xander that having Spike as a godfather wouldn't be so horrible."
Dawn withdrew to the other side of the room, her eyes flicking up to the clock.
"You should go," Buffy said softly. "He'll be home soon."
Dawn nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Losing magic had changed everything between the Scoobies. With Willow gone again, Buffy didn't expect her other friend to be okay.
"He'll come eventually." Dawn offered. "He's just struggling to deal with the Twilight mess." She wrapped a rainbow scarf around her neck, before waving goodbye.
And then she was alone.