Chapter I: I would Never Stop
"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."
-Chuck Palahniuk
Buffy had been drifting in and out of consciousness for the better part of 5 hours, and when she opened her eyes she couldn't quite remember what had happened. She couldn't remember what she had dreamed and what was real. She tugged weakly, uselessly, at her restraints… She was chained to some wall. From what she could gather, she was underground somewhere. She couldn't see him,but she knew Spike was sitting a few feet across from her in the darkness… staring at her silently. So that part wasn't a dream. For the first time in perhaps the whole time she had known him, she was afraid.
"Spike, wha—"
"What's the last thing you remember, love?"
Buffy swallowed and furrowed her forehead. Last thing? God, what was going on? Why was he doing this?
"You were…" She paused, trying to see his face through the darkness. She was beginning to remember. Spike had come out of nowhere. She hadn't seen him in a year, maybe more. She'd been surprised – glad – at first… until she saw the look in his eyes. He talked to her like everything was okay, but she could see something was off. She'd tried to back off, but she was caught of guard. He'd had her in his arms with her back to his chest before she thought to raise her stake in defense. His teeth tore in to her, and… when she woke up, she was here. Just like this… chained to the wall, him staring at her. She thought he was going to kill her, but all he did was talk. "You were telling me about falling in love with me."
Spike chuckled a little, deep in his throat.
"You missed out on a little then. I didn't realize right away that you were passed out again." He stood up from his non-descript wooden chair. Buffy made a mental note that she could break it to make a stake when she escaped from the chains… if she could somehow manage to escape. The loss of blood was making her tired and dizzy, and she wasn't recovering as quickly as she was used to. He must have drank her almost to death.
"No worries, though." Spike continued. "I don't mind repeating myself."
"Spike… What's happening? Why are you doing this?"
Spike laughed.
"She wants to know why I'm doing this." Spike said, inclining his head up to the ceiling. When he looked back at her, he took a few steps forward so that he was standing within inches of her face. "Aren't you happy to see me?"
"It's me… Spike, it's Buffy. Please, don't do this."
"I'm not crazy, Pet. I know who you are."
"You have to let me go." Buffy said, pulling at her chains. "Spike, I'm hurt. I'll die here if you don't let me go."
Spike was silent for a moment.
"Die?" He asked, then tilted his head. He brought up his hand and ran his fingers softly down her cheek. "Are you afraid to die?"
Buffy jerked her face away from Spike's touch, and he curled his fingers back in to his palm.
"All I want to do is talk." He said.
"Then take me out to coffee, don't kidnap me and chain me to a wall. Didn't you learn your lesson last time?"
"I'm a slow learner." He answered her quietly, then turned around and walked back to his chair. He sat back down slowly. Buffy struggled against the chains again, pulling as hard as she could. Spike laughed again. "Don't bother. I've been injecting you with muscle relaxants while you were sleeping. Pair that with the blood loss and you have one powerless slayer."
Buffy could feel the sting of tears in her eyes.
"Why are you doing this?"
"I told you." Spike responded. "I just want to talk."
After I realized the horrifying truth that I loved you and there was nothing I could do about it, there were still a few more half-hearted attempts at ending your miserable reign over me anyway. I failed horribly, and more often than not ended up allowing myself to be your punching bag or your baby sitter – beginning what was to become a very painful and one sided relationship… But it wasn't until I walked in to your backyard with that gun and saw you crying on your porch that I really knew. It was over. I was over. It hurt to see you cry, God help me. I didn't want your blood, and I didn't want you dead. I wanted you in my arms. I wanted to love you and take care of you the way I had taken care of Drusilla.
I had always been a strange one among my kind. Angel… he'd been completely devoid of any kind of humanity. Me? I still felt love and heartache. I felt the whole sickening gamut of human emotion. That made me worse, didn't it? I could identify with human pain, but I still loved to cause it. When I fell in love with you I knew I would have to turn my back on that. I would have to learn to live with being a little less evil than I liked… but I was willing to do it. You broke my heart when you wouldn't let me explain that I could change, that I would change. You wouldn't let me tell you I loved you. Oh, it burned. If you hadn't done that, I know I would have been able to turn Drusilla down when she showed up in all her dark and tempting glory. It never would have come to what it came to.
I never told you, but it was almost hard to feed that night. Dru found a couple snogging on the balcony in the bronze (popular spot, that)… And I followed her right to them. I watched in awe while she snapped the girl's neck. I felt that old pleasure creep back in knowing it was so cruel to kill the girl in front of the boy like that. She threw the body to me and I watched with desire while she sank her teeth in that boy's neck, and it all felt so right. It felt so wrong. It felt so… me. When it came time for me to eat, though, you were there in my head. I knew I could change. I didn't need a chip or a soul to be a better man. I wanted to prove you wrong about me.
But you weren't wrong, Love. You were right.
I was a monster. I was an evil, soulless thing who took pleasure in others' misery. I could love, but in the face of evil and opportunity, I couldn't be better. I drank every ounce of blood that girl had and the only remorse I felt was a sense that, if you knew, you would look down on me. I didn't pity her or her boyfriend. I wanted to watch them die again.
Also, I've never fooled myself as to my emotions that night when I had both you and Drusilla tied up and at my mercy. I still loved her… I felt something for her that must be unimaginable to anyone other than vampire, and I could still feel her inside me. She was the darkness at the end of my tunnel, the blood red lining. Even as I threatened to kill her for you, I wanted her. I could have taken her right there against that pole and still professed my love for you by staking her afterward. You were right to turn me down. You never stopped understanding what I was. A killer… cold and sick. And cruel.
But I think you enjoyed being cruel too, Buffy. You let me follow you back home after the whole embarrassing scene underneath my crypt. You knew Willow had done that spell to block me from your house and you knew it would kill me. I watched you walk away from me through the windows in your door. The pain… Buffy, the pain. I killed a thing or two on my way back to my crypt, and then I spent the rest of the night replaying every merciless word you'd ever said to me in my head.
It would never be you, Spike.
You're beneath me.
You can't love.
Drusilla was right when she said even she couldn't help me. No one could.
I dreamt of killing you. We were in your bed, and you were moaning underneath me. You begged me for more, but I felt nothing. You called out my name and left angry marks down my back with your nails, but I only stared down at you. My skin was cold, and my heart was still. I felt my face change to show my demon and in a very calm, collected way… I leaned in to your neck, and bit down through the skin. You screamed and began to struggle, but I sucked until the struggling stopped. When I leaned back away from you, I stared down at your pale dead face – the pillow bloodied behind you. My heart contracted in horror.
"Buffy…" I said. "Buffy!"
I woke up screaming.
There was nothing for me to do after that but to carry on like none of it mattered, like none of it happened. It was around that time that I realized my true worth, and as it turns out… I wasn't worth much. It didn't seem to matter that I had helped you and your poncy friends out on more than just a couple of occasions. They were very quick to forget any of the good I'd done in light of my feelings for you. I learned that good actions only mean something if you were a good person. But still I lingered around, humiliating myself again and again. Banging a robot – which, I admit, was low even for me… but I didn't regret her in the end, because she led to the only sincere kiss I'd ever get from you. And while we're on the subject of that first kiss, you should know that I didn't lie to Glory for anyone but you. If I thought you'd have gotten over it, I'd have fed Dawn to the wolves as soon as Glory said go. I hadn't changed. None of them, the scoobies, meant anything to me. Only you.
Maybe toward the end I'd felt something, but I don't know how much of that was me and how much of it was you. I stood there on that tower and looked Dawn in the eyes and I could feel her fear and at that moment I would have given my life to save her… but it was because you loved her. I don't know if I did then.
When the sun began to rise and you lay there in the pile of rubble, I didn't understand at first. I'd failed you, and it was supposed to be Dawn lying there, but I could feel that she was still alive. You, though… you were gone. I wanted it to be her, not you. Why was it you? You were gone because of me, and I couldn't take it. I buried my head in my hands and sobbed like a child. I didn't care that the sun kept coming and the shadows were disappearing. You were dead, finally. The peace that I'd always assumed would follow never did, and all I felt was agony.
The rest of them, they could go to you and cry over your body… touch you, hold you. I had to stay back in the dark. I had never been able to get close to you in life, and they were taking your death for themselves. No one cared about evil Spike who sat rocking brokenly in the background. Except for Dawn. Dawn came to me first. I don't know why. I didn't want her near me, and when she fell to her knees in front of me and in to my lap, I hated her. I wanted to kill her to bring you back.
But I had made you a promise to protect her. I hadn't been able to when the chips went down, but this was my cross to bear now. I wouldn't let you down again. I brought my arms up slowly around her and held her to me like I would never let her go.
I buried my head in her shoulder and cried like I would never stop.