Buffy was roused by various sounds of movement going on around the house. When she woke, she was still lying on top of her bed, over the covers. Sunlight filtered through the drapes-obviously it was the next day. She must have cried herself to sleep, and slept through the night.
Getting into bed covered in William’s blood was a colossal mistake. Blood had seeped into the comforter and his blood had dried into her clothes and skin. Her anguish and tears started all over again.
She wiped her nose with the back of her hand as she tore the comforter and sheets off of her bed and onto the floor. When she exited her room, Dawn was there, witnessing her sobbing as she made her way to the bathroom. Thankfully her sister didn’t bother her. She wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.
She mindlessly stripped her clothes, leaving them to fall to the floor as she climbed into the shower. She turned up the heat so it was so hot it was scorching her skin. She felt so numb that the constant burning at least made her feel. She knew she would never feel the same again.
Never again will she feel the pleasure of seeing Spike coming up behind her or the excitement of seeing William. Never again will she feel the love that Spike gave her whenever he gave her that special understanding and intense look after she had shared something with him.
She let the burning hot water pour over his face as she thought of how she would never again feel alive because of Spike's touch and how she had ruined any chance she had of making things right with Spike and now William.
She watched, in morbid fascination, as the water cascaded down her body and blood dripped off of her and swirled down the drain. She scrubbed herself raw, on the verge of spilling her own blood. It was only then that she dropped to the floor of the shower, sobbing even as the hot water continued to burn her body. When she had no more tears, and the water became cold, she stepped out and wrapped herself in a towel. She stuffed her, blood covered, clothing in the trash can.
Like a zombie, she made her way into her room, slipped on a black silk shirt that was long enough to be a nightshirt. She was thankful that her, Mother, must have taken care of the stained comforter and sheets and replaced them with clean ones. She burrowed under the covers as she heard the phone ring. She tried to close her eyes, wanting nothing more than to fall back asleep, but she jolted to attention when there was a knock at her door.
She threw the covers off of her to turn her red stained eyes onto her Mother. She wiped the tears that had been lingering there.
Joyce entered the doorway without waiting for an invitation knowing she was needed as she sat down next to Buffy on her bed. Gently she rubbed Buffy's back letting Buffy lay her head on her lap.
“Buffy, there isn’t going to be a funeral for William. Anne has opted to just to have a burial. The school will be holding a memorial service on Monday during a school assembly since most of his friends were students. The burial is tomorrow honey."
Joyce softly stroked Buffy's blond hair that was still very damp. Buffy, even though she couldn't express her thoughts without the risk of crying, was thankful her mom was here.
"Is there anything I can do for you? Are you hungry?"
Buffy shook her head before laying back on her bed.
Joyce took the hint and began to tuck the covers around her daughter, “If you need to talk or just be held, I’ll be here sweetie. Remember that ok? You aren’t alone.”
Buffy only nodded as she rolled onto her side, reliving the tragedy that had occurred last night. She wished that the car had hit her, not William. She will always blame herself for his death.
She didn’t want to depress her Mom, so she kept the thoughts to herself. She forced a miniscule smile as she felt, Joyce’s lips brush her forehead, in a comforting gesture. Buffy closed her eyes, desperate for sleep to claim her once more. She wanted release from her mind, her thoughts that continued to bring her back to the moment the car hit. Sleep was the only place she found it.
Joyce walked to the doorway, turning around to frown at her daughter. She left the room, worried about her daughter, but thankful she could find rest.
Buffy woke up and rolled over to see what time it was.
She had slept most of the day, and it was now 3 pm. She climbed out of bed and pulled on a pair of pants so she could wander around the house. It appeared everyone was out, which she was thankful for because she was not in the mood to have company. She saw a note on the counter as she made her way to the fridge.
Pizza is in the fridge. We took Dawn to her recital.
You were sleeping when we left. You can come over
if you wake up before 4 pm.”
Buffy shook her head as she crumbled the note and threw it in the trash. She didn’t want to go to the recital. She wanted to see William. She opened the fridge and poured a glass of juice, then went back to her room. She forced herself to drink the glass of juice in order to gain some strength. She was feeling weak from all of the crying she had been doing.
She laid back in her bed, and closed her eyes once more.
Everyone was gone from the house, so she had the perfect excuse to escape. She didn’t know how it was possible, but tears started to sting her eyes, threatening to fall.
She rolled over and reached onto her nightstand to grab the picture of Spike. Other than being crinkled a bit due to sleeping with it, it was in almost perfect condition. She kept the picture away from her tears as she studied his face. Even though it was a picture of Spike, she was thinking of William. Poor, William, because of her, he was gone. He would never grow-up and be a famous writer or artist like he had imagined. She had ruined that for him.
As she fell asleep, the last thing she saw was a blurred image of blue eyes staring back at her. She’d give anything to have that gaze be real.
Joyce came into Buffy’s room with a plate of food for her. She sat down on the edge of the bed, rubbing her back gently and using a finger to brush her hair from her eyes and face.
“Buffy, Baby, wake up. I have food for you.” she whispered.
Buffy opened her eyes, noticing it was dark enough for her mom to turn on the main light. As she sat up and leaned her back against the headboard, she felt her head spin. She wasn’t sure if it was because of lack of food and water, or because she was crying so much. It was, most likely, a mixture of both.
Joyce placed the back of her hand against Buffy’s forehead, frowning slightly.
“You feel warm. Perhaps you are coming down with something. You need to eat something, Buffy. You‘re making yourself sick.”
Buffy weakly grasped the spoon and made a show of picking up a spoonful of mashed potatoes and eating them.
Joyce smiled. “That’s a good girl. You will feel better after you eat,“ she brushed a stray hair behind her daughter’s ear. “Tomorrow we will all go to the burial, give William and his family our blessings. Things will get better, Sweetie, you’ll see,“ Joyce turned to leave the room. “I’ll be back soon to take away your tray.”
Buffy looked at the remaining off on her plate, and suddenly felt sick. She rushed to the bathroom, puking whatever contents of food she had in her stomach.
Tears started to cascade down her face, as she curled herself into the fetal position on the cold floor of the bathroom. She again, wanted to be the one that died. She had prepared herself for an early death ever since she was called as the Slayer. William didn‘t deserve to die.
She wondered why she had been brought to this world, if this is what would end up happening. William would still be alive if she never made that stupid wish. She replayed the moment the car impacted, over and over again. Sometimes it was in fast motion, sometimes in slow.
Sobbing, she stood up and grasped the wall to help her stand. As she walked to her room, she could once again feel Dawn’s eyes following her, but thankfully, she didn’t say anything but instead walked down the hallway to continue down the stairs.
Buffy collapsed onto her bed, rolling onto her back. She had lost it all-twice. She had screwed up with Spike, and now William was gone. She had made the wish and lost it all forever.
She curled into a ball, continuing to mourn the loss of both the men in her life-William and Spike. She cried silently into her pillow as sleep claimed her, due to lack of strength and crying so hard.
Dawn crept into her sister’s room to wake her.
“Buffy, the burial is in a while. You slept through the night and into the day. Are you ok? Mom said I could come see you. You don’t look good.”
Buffy groaned but opened her eyes to look at her sister. Dawn cringed slightly seeing the state of Buffy’s red eyes. Dawn smiled offering her a cup of orange juice.
“Here, at least drink this. Mom said you didn’t really eat last night and I heard you get sick. Perhaps orange juice will give you strength at least to get through the burial. I’m sorry I made fun of you and William. I had no idea he would….” She trailed off as a single tear escaped Buffy’s right eye. Dawn reached over, brushing it away as she thrust the orange juice into Buffy’s hand, “Here, drink up.”
Buffy dutifully drank the orange juice, ignoring the way her stomach churned. Dawn smiled as she watched her finish the juice. Dawn took the glass out of her sister‘s hand.
“There, at least you won’t waste away to nothing. Now get ready. The burial is in an hour.”
Buffy shook her head. “I’m not going.”
Dawn frowned. “But mom said we should all go.”
“I’m not going. I’ll go to the memorial service at school but I don’t want to go to the burial.”
Dawn got up off the bed as Buffy’s tears started to fall again. She ran out of the room and a few minutes later Buffy heard her door reopen. She brushed her tears aside as her mom came in. She brought with her a wet rag that she used to wipe Buffy's forehead and cheeks gently.
“Buffy, you should go to the burial. It might make you feel better. Just to say goodbye if nothing else."
Joyce wiped away the damp hair from Buffy's face as she gazed down at her daughter. She could see clearly how upset Buffy was by William's death and wished there was something she could do but knew only time would heal the wounds.
"He was a good friend to you, honey. I know how hard it is to lose a good friend."
Buffy frowned at the word friend. She had hoped to be so much more. True, she hadn’t been dating William, but they were becoming very close. She had lost someone very important to her.
She knew that, with no questions, William would have been there for her. Been there, like Spike always had. In a way, she was dating Spike, just without anyone’s knowledge. Buffy had known him for the last three years, and ever since he left Harmony, and Riley had left her, Spike had been there. Actually, he was there for her, even before Riley left.
“I don’t want to go to the burial. I already said goodbye. I watched him die and said my goodbyes then. I don’t want to say them anymore.” Buffy breathed.
Joyce nodded understandingly as she placed a kiss on Buffy's forehead. She stood up once again tucking the covers around Buffy in a motherly fashion. “If you change your mind, the burial is at Sunnydale Cemetery at 5:30. It’s 4 o’clock now, so you have time to think about it. I do hope you change your mind, but I won’t force you to. It has to be your decision.”
Buffy rolled over as her Mom left the room. She had spent so many years saving lives, not taking them away. How does someone live with the responsibility of another person’s death. Especially when there was such a strong connection with that person, a connection that nobody would understand.
She sighed, realizing that it was something you probably would never get over, something no one would truly understand.
She closed her eyes, letting the abyss of sleep take her again. Thankful it happened so quickly.