For her twelfth birthday, Buffy's mom said she and Billy could buy their own decorations for their party. Since they didn't have a ton of guests, mainly just her cousins and Billy's friend, Declan, Tara had suggested they have a small get together at their house. Buffy was annoyed Billy wasn't more excited to ride their bikes to the Party Store and spend the ten dollars she'd been given for their celebration.
"Get whatever you want, Buffy," Billy said, doing lazy figure eights down the middle of the empty street past the neatly manicured lawns and rows of houses. She watched his slim, straight back sway with his pedaling and the black streamers on his handlebars tumbling in the breeze. Billy always had to have everything that color. She knew it was silly to argue with him because he'd probably want to buy black crepe paper and balloons, but she did anyway.
"It's not fun unless you pick it too," Buffy said, struggling to catch up with him.
She hadn't told him she was going to be the one to bake the cake this year. Buffy wanted to surprise him and make Billy proud of her. He was always acting more grown up than her and she wanted to prove she could do things, too. At this rate though, he probably wouldn't care, she thought in frustration.
"Fine. Batman. I want everything Batman even though I don't even really like that anymore because theme parties are for babies. Now you tell me you want it all unicorns and we'll do Batman fighting unicorns."
"See, that wasn't hard," Buffy said, glad she could at least annoy him. Lately Billy had been acting like they weren't best friends anymore. He'd look at her like he wanted something but then he wouldn't say what. They rode in silence for a while, and she plucked up her courage to ask him for the millionth time what was going on.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I want you to kiss me again, like you used to," Billy said. He just blurted it out without a second thought, as though he hadn't said something completely crazy.
"We never kissed," Buffy said.
"We Frenched," Billy said, with a laugh.
"Oh my God, we did not!" Buffy said, covering one of her burning red cheeks with her hand, forcing the bike to veer for an instant. She was disgusted and intrigued by the thought of putting her tongue in his mouth, but more of the first one.
"When we were married you'd let me," Billy said, with a smug smile on his face.
"Yuck, I did not. We were never real married, just fake married when we were like five."
"Yes we were! You let me do it all the time."
"That's, like, with spit. I wouldn't ever do that. No one really does that."
"They do on T.V."
"Well, they get money for that."
"I bet your parents do."
"No, they don't," Buffy said, knowing she was lying but not wanting to lose the argument.
"Mendacity, that's a sin, kitten," Billy said.
"What's that even mean?"
"Untruths, lies, falsehoods. You really ought to read more, pet," Billy said.
"Stop that. Quit acting like you're all...not exactly the same age as me. And why can't you ever call me Kara?" she asked.
"Because you're Buffy. And you can pretend you don't remember anything, but I know you do," Billy said.
At that moment a man's face flashed in her head, one with high cheekbones and blue eyes, like Billy's except he was much, much older. A grown man who was touching her in places no one had the right to and who had blood on his mouth. Her blood.
Buffy jerked the wheel of her pink bicycle and turned around without saying a word. It took a little while for Billy to realize he was alone. When he did, Billy followed her, catching up quickly because of his longer legs.
"Hey, I thought you wanted to buy poncey decorations?"
"No, you're right. It's stupid. In fact, let's not even have a party this year," she said.
"Stop, Buffy, please," Billy said, but she was outpacing him. She would be home soon and then she could lock her door and hold Mr. Gordo and that face would go away. She made it to her blue, clapboard house with the yellow shutters. Buffy ditched her bike in the front yard, not caring that her dad would lecture her about thieves and the cost of things for not putting it safely in the garage. Billy was on her heels, asking what the bloody hell was wrong with her and before she could make it to the front door, he'd grabbed her wrist. Billy tried to yank her into a hug, but Buffy flipped him over. He was probably regretting talking her into taking those Tai Kwando classes.
He landed with a fwump on the grass and started laughing.
"It's not funny," she said.
"You're right, not funny, very not funny," Billy said, still chuckling. He sat up and touched the back of his head. When he brought his open hand before his eyes, Billy's fingers were wet with blood. Buffy was on the ground in a second, kneeling behind him so she was eye level with the injury. Buffy tentatively lifted his blond hair to examine it more closely.
"It's just a scratch, I'll put some stuff on it," she said, solemnly. Buffy took his hand and led him into the house. They walked upstairs and Billy followed her into her parents' brown bathroom. Buffy rummaged through the medicine cabinet, found some cotton balls and antibiotic ointment. Billy sat on the closed toilet and she tended to him, daubing the sore spot until she was satisfied he wouldn't die of a massive infection.
"Why'd you run away from me?" he asked.
She delicately twisted the cap back on the tube of Neosporin and put it away. Then she threw the cotton in the trash.
"I don't know. You're being weird lately," Buffy said.
"What's the harm in a kiss, love? " Billy asked.
Buffy moved to the sink to wash her sticky hands, turning the taps on. The white soap slithered from hand to hand under the stream of warm water. Billy was watching her washing up and it was making her uncomfortable. He always seemed to be studying her lately instead of just being with her.
"You're freaking me out," Buffy said.
"Do it once and I won't ask again," he said.
Buffy shut off the faucet and dried her wet hands, considering him.
"If you promise not to talk about us being married anymore, or anything like that, I will," she said.
"Cross my heart," he said, making an x on his chest, "do you have a toothbrush I can borrow?"
"Oh, right," Buffy said.
She found him an extra toothbrush and side-by-side they cleaned their teeth. Then they went down the hall to Buffy's bedroom. It was a given they'd go to her room and that they'd shut the door; Buffy wasn't sure why it made her so nervous when they actually did, though.
Buffy's room was painted white with purple violets bordering the ceiling. The same flowers were embroidered on the cream colored, eyelet curtains, which Buffy swiped closed, as though the neighbors would be watching them. Maybe it was because Buffy knew she was doing something wrong. Billy sat on her bed, running his palm against the velvety quilt. Buffy tiptoed across the floor and then plopped down beside him.
"So we just go, then?" Buffy asked.
"I guess, yeah," Billy said.
They stared at one another for a moment.
"You're the one who wanted to do this so bad, you start," Buffy said.
Billy rolled his eyes at her and then put his hands on her shoulders. He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. Buffy wasn't sure what to do next. It didn't feel like much of anything, but it was nice. She liked being this close to him, she liked that it was Billy who was doing the kissing. Buffy shut her eyes and sighed. The kiss ended at she looked at him.
"That was good. Right?"
"Let's try it with our mouths open," he said, hopefully.
"Um...O.K."
He pulled her to him again and she opened her mouth, worried about drool. Then it was happening and his tongue didn't feel as strange as she thought it would, but there was something else nagging and wrong.
When Buffy closed her eyes she saw the older man again covered in blood and he was shouting at Tara. In Tara's lap she held the gory body of a blonde girl.
"Give her to me, I've got to turn her—"
"No Billy, you can't," Tara said.
“For fuck's sake Tara, she and I agreed that's what I'd have to do if she was mortally wounded. We decided–“
“Can't you feel it, Billy? She's dead, she's already dead,” Tara said, her head bowing over the body.
And Buffy knew that the dead body was hers, just as the vampire named Billy was, too.
Buffy shoved Billy away and crawled up the bed until she was cowering on the other side. He reached for her but she slapped his hands away.
"What's wrong, love?" he asked, looking into her flushed face pleadingly.
"You're gonna hurt me," she whispered over her folded arms. She'd drawn herself into a tight ball.
"I would never hurt you."
"But you did before. You're one of the monsters," Buffy said.
"Buffy, no, I love you—"
"Not Buffy. I'm Kara, I'm Kara, I'm Kara," she said, rocking back and forth.
Billy tried to get her to make eye contact and respond to him, but the girl refused. He knew her parents wouldn't be back until Sunday; they were going to some concert and Buffy was supposed to stay over with him. He couldn't leave her alone like she was begging. The only thing to do would be to ask Tara what was wrong.
Tara was in the kitchen boiling jars for canning when Billy came running in through the back door. She was about to remind him to take off his sneakers when she saw the look on his face.
"What's wrong?" she asked, snapping off the burners on the gas stove.
"Buffy."
Tara was alone with Buffy for about a half hour, while Billy paced in the hallway upstairs. When his mother finally came out, Billy rushed over to her.
"What did you do to her, is she o.k.?"
Tara took a deep breath.
"She's going to sleep for another few hours. When she wakes up she's not going to remember the kissing, which, by the way, you are way, way too young to be doing, or anything that came afterward," Tara said.
"I'm older than you, I should be able to bloody well kiss her anytime I want, and how dare you mess with her mind! You can't wipe someone's memories as you see fit, that's making them into what you want them to be," Billy said.
"You're eleven years old, no matter what you think you know and you're still my son. And I didn't wipe her memory, I'd never do that. She'll remember everything, eventually. Now let's go downstairs and have a cup of cocoa. We have some things to talk about," Tara said.
“I'll be twelve in a week,” Billy mumbled as he followed her down the steps, making sure she got the full effect of his sullen stomp and theatrical lip pout. They settled into the kitchen and put on the kettle. Tara dropped extra marshmallows in his cup, a sure tip off things were very, very bad. He sat on one of the metal chairs with the white, plastic seat.
Tara was silent as she poured the hot water and set the plain, black mug before him. She settled her long, green skirt around her as she sunk onto her seat, reminding him of a water lily. They sat silently in the Cales' efficient, blue kitchen with the sleek, silver appliances, listening to the hall clock tick. Billy noticed Tara wasn't drinking anything. She tilted her head slightly as she searched his face and touched her hands together on the table as though in prayer.
"Billy, what do you remember about the time before you were born?" Tara asked.
"You look exactly the same," Billy said, taking a sip of his cocoa. Tara always got the temperature perfect, he had no idea how she always could; whenever he made hot chocolate the first taste burnt his tongue.
"That's sweet," Tara said, in a way that was as good as ignoring the compliment.
"No, it's true. I found those pictures you hid in the attic. You haven't changed at all and that was like twelve years ago. It's because of the magic with the tattoos, right?"
“That, or good genes. Now, quit trying to butter me up and tell me what you recall about Buffy."
"We were married," Billy said, fidgeting with the handle of his mug.
"Do you know that because of the picture or is it from your head, like what you remember about the tattoos?"
"The picture reminded me and then the details came back. I knew it was us, even though she doesn't look the same. Her hair and the way her face is are different, like her chin is more pointy now and her nose is fatter along the bridge. She doesn't have that little bulb at the tip of her nose, either, but it's still her. Her eyes are exactly the same as I remember. That was why I started calling her Buffy in the first place, I think, because I always knew, even if I didn't have all the specifics," Billy said.
"What else?" Tara asked, her eyes staring steadily into his.
"Married people stuff," Billy said, looking away shyly and chewing on a ragged cuticle.
"You mean sex?"
"Do you want details? That's doubly awkward seeing as you were my sister and now you're my mum," Billy said. Tara's face reddened.
"No, I want you to be clear."
"Yes, sex."
"You're way, way too young for that, Billy."
"I'm sick of being too young. I've got no control over anything. Everything is so boring, school is boring. As soon as they bring up something new I remember everything about it, anyway. The only good thing is having class with Buffy, but it can't be the way I want it to with her. I want to get a G.E.D. They do that here, don't they? Get a proper job so when Buffy graduates from high school we can buy a house and get married," Billy said.
Tara ran her hands through her long, silver hair and let out a frustrated huff.
"You are eleven years old. This isn't Victorian England. You could go to University early, your marks are good enough to do that. I would be happy to help you find more challenging classes, but you're not quitting school to become a what? A streetwise bootblack?"
Billy groaned and pushed his cocoa away.
"It's taking forever, getting big. I hate it. I know what I want right now."
"No, you don't. If you really understood what was going on, you'd realize that this time, right now, was probably the most you'd spend with her, ever. Grownups don't usually get summers off to play all day and watch movies. I know it's frustrating, but life is bloody frustrating, Billy. You have a chance here to do something extraordinary with your time on this earth. Most people never get an opportunity like this. Don't waste it by being petulant," Tara said.
"What do you mean, was probably?" he asked.
Tara sighed and then crossed her legs. She rested her head on her hands.
"For your safety but mostly for hers, I think it's best we move back to England—"
Billy's chair scraped across the floor and he was standing up.
"No, no, no!"
"You don't get a say in this."
"Bloody right I don't, when the hell do I ever get a say? Didn't ask for any of this, did I?"
Tara stood and put her hand on his shoulder. He snapped away from her grasp, his body moving like a fishing line going tight.
"If you want to be a man for her so badly, then do it now. You can give her the childhood she didn't have the first time."
"She said I was a monster. Is that why we have to go? Did I...what did I do to her? Are you afraid I'm going to do it again?"
"Calm down."
"I'm not calming down until you tell me what happened."
"When you're ready to know, you'll remember," Tara said.
"Why don't you tell me," Billy said.
"Because I love you."
"I need to know now!" Billy shouted.
As he spoke the words, the depth and detail of his previous life roared through his conscious mind like a tsunami, leaving devastation in its wake. Tara was able to catch her son before he collapsed on the ground. She picked him up as she had so many times when he was a baby. Tara carried Billy into the Cales' living room and set him down on their green sectional couch. She sat beside him and he crawled into her lap. It took him a full minute to recover his words.
"Take it away. I don't want to know anymore, mummy," Billy whispered.
"I can't," Tara said, sadly, threading her fingers through his hair. It was already going silver, as was their family curse.
"Why not?"
"Because the spell I did to help you is irreversible. When you were three you remembered everything and you begged me to kill you, Billy. You said you were bad,” Tara said, a crackle in her voice. She took a deep breath and continued, “the Saving Grace lets you forget things until you're ready to deal with them, you need to know, or you ask to know. I performed it for Buffy just now. If we stay, she won't be able to come to things in her own time. You and I would be a constant reminder of what happened to her. Do you understand, Billy?"
He nodded.
“When she understands, she won't want me around anyway. I hurt her so much, just like she said.”
“You don't know that for certain, darling. The connection between the three of us is strong and she loves you.”
“She doesn't know what I really am.”
“Yes she does and so do I. You're a good person, Billy.”
“You have to say that, you're my Tara.”
She chuckled.
“I'll help you. Just let me.”
Billy rubbed his nose with the back of his hand and sniffled.
“O.K.,” he said.
"After the birthday party, I'm going to send you to be with Simon for a while. I need to finish up with my job and sell the house. Your dad's been wanting you to stay again for a long time, anyway," Tara said.
"Marta hates me."
"No, Marta loves you, she hates me for my man-stealing ways. Besides you can spend time with your little sister, she adores you."
"I don't want to do this."
"Neither do I, but you know it's right, don't you?"
The pain of everything that had happened between himself and Buffy the first time was raw. His memories returning ripped open the wound again. Billy had trapped Buffy, suffering, in between worlds. Billy couldn't do something like that to his girl again, especially because disregarding her needs for his own again was so tempting.
"I do. What can I tell her?" Billy asked.
"Blame it all on me, alright?"
***
Buffy woke up feeling really good, if a little confused. The last thing she remembered was riding her bike to the party store. Billy had been kind of a pill, but they'd agreed on Batman fighting unicorns, except for some reason that didn't seem right anymore.
Heavy dread settled in when Buffy realized she was alone. Billy normally slept on the floor, or sometimes he'd snuggle up next to her; her parents freaked when he did that, but Tara never seemed to care. Her mom and dad were gone for the night, so where was Billy?
Buffy got out of bed and padded from room to room upstairs. All of them were Billy-less. She skipped downstairs and found him sleeping on the couch in Tara's lap.
"Is everything alright, sweetheart?" Tara asked.
"I was by myself. It was kinda scary," Buffy said.
"You were never alone, we were here the whole time," Tara said, reaching her arm out to Buffy. The girl went to her and let Tara give her a quick hug before lounging beside them on the couch. Billy woke up, and sat upright, embarrassed Buffy had seen him cuddling with his mom.
"Hey," Billy said, scraping sleep crumbs out of the corner of his eye with the edge of his fingernail.
"Hey, what's up?" Buffy asked, worried about the look that was passing between her best friend and his mother.
"Billy and I have to move, Buffy. We're going back to England."
"No," Buffy said, shaking her head. Buffy should have been surprised, but she wasn't. Even though it didn't make any sense, Buffy was certain Billy leaving was her fault.
"I'm sorry," Tara said.
"But you're my best friend," Buffy said, looking past Tara to Billy.
"You're mine, too, but there's nothing I can do."
"When are you coming back?"
"Not in the foreseeable future," Tara said.
"But why?" Buffy asked.
"My mom said—"
"Billy's dad wants to be closer to him and I need to find another job," Tara said.
Buffy kicked the bottom of the couch with the back of her foot.
"I hate this," Buffy said, her shoulders slumped.
"I hate it, too," Billy said.
Tara thought the same thing, but instead of confusing things further by expressing her feelings, she stood up to give the kids a minute.
"I'll make us some supper, guys. How about chocolate chip pancakes?"
Billy nodded and Tara left the two alone. Buffy inched closer to Billy and they put their arms around each other. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.
"Could you live with us instead?" Buffy asked.
Billy laughed and she looked at him with a smile.
"No, I've got to go. I'll miss you so much," he said, tilting his head so he could kiss her forehead. Buffy lifted a small hand to his face.
"Miss you too," Buffy said, tracing his cheek with the tip of her finger.
"I'll write every day," Billy said.
"Me too, I promise," Buffy said.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to everyone who read and commented! Thanks to the lovely and patient Sanityfair for her editing skills and enthusiasm. Thanks to my husband for reading this and saying it was like Spuffy Muppet Babies.