Angel was still sitting up in bed looking very unhappy when Buffy entered. Spike was waiting downstairs with the team. They'd arrived just before he'd left Angel with news about what the demon venom was. Since they weren't alone anymore, Spike hadn't shared any details about what he and Angel had talked about. Instead, he'd just nodded at her and gestured for her to head up. Now, she was in Angel's room, and she hadn't a clue what to say to him.

"Buffy?"

He'd finally noticed her. He seemed wary. She couldn't blame him.

"Angel. I'd ask how you were but that's just a really dumb question."

He didn't smile. Buffy glanced down at her hands wondering what she was even doing here.

Spike didn't exactly pull any punches with the home truths so if you're here to chew me out…well, go ahead, but it probably won't make me feel worse."

"I'm not—here for that. I'm not interested in beating you down right now. Those were metaphorical punches too, right? There wasn't actual punching involved, because he promised—"

"Metaphorical. Had the same effect though."

Buffy nodded.

"Good. I mean—good there wasn't more fighting."

She exhaled loudly and started to pace.

"Why is this so hard? Lately, whenever we talk it's like I don't know what to say. It didn't used to be so hard."

"You used to love me."

That put an end to her pacing.

"I did." She glanced down again. "I do. Differently. You're a part of my life, Angel. That won't change, but we're different people now."

"I know. I know that, really. Believe it or not I had someone I…but she got hurt—badly."

Buffy stared at Angel. She hadn't known that. He remained distant, his face turned away from her.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"Spike told you about the demon venom?" she asked then when the silence in the room began getting to her.

Angel nodded. "Said someone's been pulling my strings, making me do things…but that a lot of that's still my fault."

Buffy stayed silent and Angel sighed.

"I let them get to me. I made it easy for them and it almost cost me everything. It would have cost everyone everything."

"It's a demon parasite that draws on a person's insecurities. It feeds them illusions of their worst fears. Someone extracted the venom to make it less obvious that something was screwing with you. Whatever you've been going through lately…it's been feeding on it and heightening the effects. It explains a little about why Spike was acting so insecure and why you were both ready to throw your lives away without considering the options first. The insecurities you both had were the only thing you could focus on."

"Any idea who's behind it?"

"Not yet. They said they'd start picking through the staff starting with anyone who frequently came into direct contact with the blood, meaning Harmony, and that they were going to locate the supplier and try to trace where the blood was tampered with. They're trying to narrow down the list of suspects."

"Can't be easy," Angel mumbled.

"You'll figure it out. I'm sure you've dealt with worse."

"That your subtle way of telling me you aren't sticking around?"

"I don't think we're really wanted but yeah. This isn't home and it's high time I got back there."

"Buffy…I'm sorry. I know it probably doesn't mean anything to you now but I want you to know—"

"It does—mean something. But I'm not the only one you need to apologize to. Other people were hurt more. You'd better make it up to them, because one thing I've learned is that whatever crap you're dealing with it's not worth losing the people you love. There are enough things in this world that try to make your life hell without getting the job done yourself."

"Buffy…Dawn, and that other guy…I never asked but…are they okay?"

"Yeah, they're okay. Goodbye, Angel."

"Oh and Buffy," Angel said before she could leave, "Spike's an idiot. I won't ever like him, and he doesn't deserve it but…for some reason I won't ever understand, he makes you smile. He gives you strength. I hate it, but I'm glad that you have that. You need it."

Buffy felt herself smiling hearing a little of the old Angel she used to know. Brushing her hair behind her ear she looked at him sitting in the large bed, alone and in the dark and knew it would be a long time until, or if, she ever saw him again.

"Thanks. I hope you find that too, someday soon."

Riding down in the elevator Buffy felt a weight lift from her shoulders and let out a sob of relief. She quickly composed herself before the doors opened. The first person she saw when they did was Spike. Buffy smiled widely at him feeling like, at least for a while, things would be okay.

The last thing any of the Sunnydale gang expected was for Angel to fly them back to Rome on a private jet. His little stunt at the church had put him under closer surveillance from the Senior Partners, but they hadn't been behind the tampered blood and once they found out about it had begun helping the team locate the culprit; Eve had quickly become a prime suspect since she'd mysteriously vanished from the company's radar. Angel must still have some power in the company if he had succeeded in giving the Slayer the use of his jet. That or he really wanted them gone.

One of the perks to having the jet was protection from the sun since the windows were made from the same protective glass as the windows in Wolfram and Hart. It meant they didn't have to worry about making part of the trip home in daylight and could leave earlier. It also meant a more comfortable journey for all of them, even if they had to listen to Andrew prattle away about all the plans he had for when they got back and the party he insisted they all go to.

Buffy glanced at Spike sitting across from her, something she'd been doing for the whole flight. He was glancing out the window nervously maintaining a tight grip on the armrests of his chair. She couldn't blame him for being nervous. Flying could be scary for anyone and being confined to a tin can flying thousands of miles in the air with the sun glaring at you from outside had to be terrifying for a vampire. They had just as much chance of dying in a crash as anyone else so it wasn't like already being dead could help them.

Sadly they hadn't had a chance to have that talk when they made it back to the hotel as Dawn declared she was done with Andrew duty and Spike had been worn out from the visit, not being up to full strength. As much as it pained her to put their time together on hold Buffy had insisted he go drink some more blood and get some rest. She'd threatened Andrew into staying quiet and told him to go somewhere else for a few hours if that was too much for him to manage.

Dawn had apologized but Buffy brushed it off with a smile saying it was okay and they would have plenty of time together in Rome. Dawn hadn't completely bought it but she let the matter drop, and the pair had settled in to watch a movie before bed. Now, they were almost home, and all Buffy could think about was being alone with him. The thought excited and petrified her at the same time. Emotional stuff was not exactly her strong point, but she was determined to show him she loved him and that he needn't be guarded around her anymore, and in turn she'd be open with him too.

He shifted in his chair and Buffy whipped her head around quickly so he wouldn't catch her looking at him. Behind her, Buffy heard a giggle that was quickly stifled. She turned to glare at her sister who just bit her lip and shrugged.

"Somethin' wrong?"

Buffy nearly jumped out of her seat when Spike spoke.

"No. No, everything's fine," she said, and smiled.

Spike turned away again and she sighed, looking out of her own window and deciding to ignore her sister, positive she could feel Dawn grinning at her through the seat. The sooner they landed the better.

"Well, this is it," Buffy said, walking into her apartment and dropping their bags, moving them away from the door so they wouldn't be in the way, relieved to be home at last.

Spike walked in behind her and took a long look around the relatively small space. Magazines were sprawled across the coffee table but it was otherwise fairly tidy. The furniture was stuff that had come with the apartment and there was very little in the room that was purely Buffy's. All her belongings had gone down with the rest of Sunnydale and she hadn't bothered to make the place feel like home when she'd been planning to leave once Dawn started school again.

"You've got a nice place here."

Buffy sat down on the couch and patted the empty space beside her.

"Why don't you sit down? It's been a long—it's been long."

Spike chuckled dropping the single bag Buffy had allowed him to carry down beside the others, shrugged off his coat and closed the door behind him. He walked over and sat next to Buffy sharing a shy smile with her.

"Dawn ran off fairly quick when we got here."

Buffy grinned. "Yeah. She's staying with a friend she hasn't seen in a while for the weekend. She's really settled in over here and her friends are nice and normal. It must be a relief for her to get away from the supernatural after what happened to her in L.A."

"No such luck for you though."

"Spike." Buffy reached out and took his good hand in hers, tracing random patters across his skin while she considered her words. "I've had time to think since Sunnydale—about who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing now. I'm not the only Slayer in the world. There's fallout from that of course, but for the first time I don't have to bear the burden of the world on my shoulders alone. It's been freeing. I've had to time to relax and have quality time with Dawn. I've gotten to see a small portion of the world when I never had the opportunity to travel before. I was able to take a break."

"You deserved one," he said watching her fingers move across his hand, his voice growing quiet as he listened to her.

"The thing is…I was never able to really cut myself off from being the Slayer. It's a huge part of me and if I stopped patrolling or keeping an eye out for monsters or demons I didn't feel right. I'd have all this pent up energy and I'd feel like I was being useless. I worked out a system where I enjoyed my days with Dawn or toured the city but I still did my job at night. I've kept in touch with the others, keeping tabs on what they're doing, what Big Bads are out there, where the girls are and what they're fighting. I can't shut myself off from a part of myself. So—what I guess I'm saying is that no, I won't have the same opportunities as Dawn to have a normal life—but I'm okay with that. In fact I kind of like it that way."

"Just proved me right again haven't you?"

Buffy looked up, puzzled. Spike withdrew his hand from hers to brush her hair back and rest it against her cheek.

"That you're a hell of a woman, Buffy. I don't think I've met a stronger person in my life."

Buffy could feel her eyes welling up and stifled a happy sob. She turned her head away, letting her hair fall across her face as she brushed the tears out of her eyes and reached into her coat pocket. Slowly, she pulled out the amulet. After regaining her composure she turned back to Spike and held the crystal up.

"I hate to bring this up now but what do you want to do about this? I know we planned on having the gang do some research but we have no idea what that ritual did to you or if you're still connected to this thing. Until we figure that out it's safest with us but—"

Spike sighed and took the amulet from Buffy. The light reflected off the crystal throwing patches of rainbow color across the walls.

"I really hate this thing," he said.

"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "But it did bring you back. I'm thankful for that."

"Me too. I still don't fancy keeping it round my neck. Doesn't go with my wardrobe."

Buffy laughed and sank back into the cushions of the couch, tucking her feet underneath her.

"What, a big gaudy rock doesn't scream punk? It would be dangerous anyway. We'll keep it in the safe for now and find somewhere more secure to hide it once we know what we're doing I guess. We'd better keep it under wraps though, even with the people we trust. The less people who know where it is, the safer it'll be."

"You have a safe?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yup. Giles doesn't want anyone stumbling across any valuable ritual stuff I come across or important books he sends me for research. He's gotten edgy ever since what happened to the Council and he's really cracked down on security."

"Sounds like ol' Rupes is settling right into this new job of his. I just hope he doesn't let it get to his head like Angel did."

"Well, we'll keep an eye on him, but I think Giles is pretty happy right now surrounded by books and fellow stuffy British people who actually pay attention to his demon history lessons."

Spike nodded and put the amulet down on the coffee table. He leaned back into the couch and let his hands rest casually on his knees. Buffy felt like she was in a dream. It was so strange seeing him in her apartment. Strange that he was sitting next to her after she'd spent more nights than she could count sitting here alone at night thinking about Sunnydale and the last time she'd seen him as he sacrificed himself for the world. She had to touch him again. She needed to prove to herself that he was really here.

"Buffy? What's wrong?" he asked before she could reach for him.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You're crying, pet."

"I am?" Buffy swiped at her eyes and saw that, yes, she was in fact crying.

Now that she had time to think, she was becoming an emotional wreck. He probably thought she was losing it.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to. I just—you're here and—you must think I'm a real mess huh?"

"Hey, it's okay. You've been through a lot. We both have. You must be exhausted."

Spike hesitated for a second before pulling her in for a hug. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and tucked her head into his shoulder struggling to get her emotions under control. She felt better holding him.

"I just really missed you. God, this is what it was like wasn't it?"

"What what was like?"

"Loving someone and watching them die…then getting them back by some miracle. You told me you dreamed you saved me every night…I didn't always save you in my dreams. Sometimes I died too, but we were always together. I just wish I would have figured it out before—"

She was cut off when Spike pushed her backwards, took her face in his hands and kissed her. Buffy's had time to notice the feel of the bandages on his left hand brushing her cheek before mind went blank. Just as she felt herself responding to him he drew back. She stared into his eyes dazed and confused and he rested his forehead against hers.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spring that kiss on you but hearing the pain in your voice—I remember what it felt like, Buffy, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But I really am here now, and I'm not leavin' unless you want me to."

"That's pretty much the opposite of what I want," she replied, bringing her hands to rest on his shoulders. "You're my strength, Spike. I realized a lot of things as I was losing you. All this time I've shut myself away when all I wanted was to have people around me I loved that loved me back. I was so scared of getting hurt that I stopped trying to connect with anyone. I built up so many walls. And you broke them all down."

"Another thing we have in common then."

"I need you to know. I need you to believe me when I tell you that I love you. I've never been as close to anyone as I have been with you. I love you, Spike. I really, really do."

Spike stared back at her in awe. For a second, she was terrified he'd repeat those words back in the Hellmouth. 'No you don't…' She held her breath and watched his Adam's apple move as he swallowed.

"Buffy…you do, don't you? You love me."

She let out the breath she'd been holding and nodded, almost giggling with relief.

"I do."

"You love me. Buffy, I'm a right berk for what I said in the Hellmouth. I promise you I'll make it up to you."

"You don't have to," she said, dipping her head.

Spike wasn't letting her away with that and raised her chin so she could see the sincerity in his eyes.

"I love you, Buffy. You know I do. I won't ever stop loving you. You're it for me. I swear I won't doubt you again."

She took his head in her hands and ran her fingers through his hair, loosening the blond curls she loved so much and smiled.

"I know."

Buffy decided she was done talking. She'd wanted him all to herself for days and she wasn't going to waste the opportunity now that she had it. Moving slowly so he knew what she intended, she leaned in and kissed him. He paused for only a second before kissing her back.

This was different to any of their previous kisses. It was slow and gentle. They took their time adjusting to each other and memorizing the sensation. Buffy traced his lower lip with her tongue and Spike let out a hiss of pain. Buffy jerked back to look at him suddenly, remembering his split lip which was still in the process of healing. The cut had almost closed over completely but it was still tender.

"Oh God, Spike, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, really. Just need to watch the lip is all."

A little anxious and suddenly very aware of his remaining injuries, Buffy moved in for another kiss, being careful not to use too much pressure this time. He slipped his tongue into her mouth and she let him set the pace. The slow caresses turned to eager strokes and moans. Buffy shifted about until she was almost in his lap, her hands in his hair drawing him closer as his roamed up and down her back. She pulled away gasping and leaned her forehead on his again.

"Spike. I know we haven't—but I need you," she panted.

"Which way?"

She smiled at the question and raised her head to look at him. Silently, she pointed in the direction of her bedroom and he rose with her in his lap. Surprised, she hadn't time to warn him before he took two steps and stumbled, very nearly landing the pair of them on the floor. She disengaged herself from him and slid down to the floor. He gave her a sheepish look.

"Your leg," she said, smiling.

"Bloody well forgetting my own injuries now. Getting caught up in the moment."

"Maybe we shouldn't—"

"Buffy. I'll be fine. Lead the way," he said, gesturing to the bedroom.

Spotting the amulet on the table, remembering they shouldn't be leaving it lying around, Buffy picked it up and popped it back in her pocket. She then took his hand in hers and led him to her room, letting go to sit down on the bed and remove her coat and boots.

"You need a hand?" she asked, glancing at his pair of black boots.

He sighed but sat down next to her and nodded.

"Would make things easier."

"It's okay, I don't mind," she said, reaching down to take them off.

When she was done, she shuffled back against the headboard. Twisting sideways, she dropped the amulet into the drawer of the bedside table next to her for now then turned on the lamp. Spike watched her patiently.

"I want to see you," she explained and he smiled.

He crawled up the bed carefully until they were face to face. Unlike the other times, there was no challenge in his eyes, no dare for her to either push him away or take what she wanted. All she saw was love. She reached up and kissed him again, slipping her tongue into his mouth to dance with his as she let her hands wander down his chest and stomach to pull his shirt up and feel the bare skin beneath.

She raised her hips until they touched his, encouraging him to lower himself more so she could feel him pressed against her. He began rocking slowly back and forth and switched his attention to her neck, kissing her throat and nipping lightly at her skin with blunt teeth. She took hold of the hem of his shirt and pulled it up his body slowly, pausing when it reached his arms. He ceased kissing her long enough to lean back and let her tug the shirt off completely. She saw him grimace and try to hide it as he raised his arms.

"Ribs?" she asked.

"Yeah. Just gotta avoid straining them."

She studied his bare chest, the familiar lines of his abdomen covered in fading bruises. He was looking better, but he clearly needed some more rest and blood before he'd be back to himself. A faint scar in the centre of his chest caught her attention. It wasn't one she remembered. As he was lowering himself down again she placed her hand on the spot and he froze.

"Buffy?"

"Your chest," she said, unable to see the scar from that angle with the shadows. She pressed against his chest and he leaned back again. She sat up to get a better look. "There's a scar."

"Hmm?" He looked down at her hand and saw the scarred outline that had caught her attention. "Oh. Yeah. I think it's from the amulet. Not sure how I got it since my body burned up but…something about blessed objects I guess. That's why I've had the one over my eye for so long."

Buffy glanced up at the scar cutting through his eyebrow that had been there for longer than she'd known him. Strangely it seemed much fainter now. There, but not as noticeable. Either that or she'd grown so accustomed to it that it didn't draw her attention the way it used to.

Returning her attention to his chest, Buffy ran her hand over the mark again before dipping her head and pressing her lips against it. A tremor ran through him and Buffy continued kissing the spot, running her tongue around it while her hands drifted along his stomach and around his hips. Spike groaned and brought his injured hand behind her neck holding her close while the other deftly undid the buttons of her shirt.

Before he could take it off, Buffy reached for his right hand and turned it so she could see the palm and the faint mark where he'd bitten it doing the ritual. She licked the mark and pressed a soft kiss to it before letting go. When she met his eyes they were dark and focused completely on her. She felt a thrill run through her and hurried to remove her shirt.

She was in the process of yanking it down her shoulders when she felt a sharp tug on her hair and yelped. Dismayed, she looked down to find she'd gotten her hair caught in one of the buttons. Spike stifled a chuckle and she glared at him.

"It's not funny. That was painful," she whined.

Spike smirked and tried to help her untangle herself.

"Sorry, pet. There you go, all free," he said as he helped her remove the last few strands that were caught.

Being more careful this time, she slipped her shirt off and threw it across the room. This was not how she wanted the evening to go. She turned her attention back to Spike and getting back in the mood. Wanting to touch him again, Buffy pulled him down for another kiss and the pair tumbled back onto the bed. Spike grunted and she gasped, clapping her hand over her mouth while he reached for his side.

"Sorry! Sorry! Ribs again."

Spike took a deep breath and gave her a serious look.

"You know, I never let a few scrapes and bruises get in the way of having fun normally but…it's been one hell of a week. Maybe we should postpone this for a while."

Buffy found that instead of being disappointed by his words she was actually…relieved. When she said nothing, busy contemplating what she'd just realized, Spike gave her a worried look.

"Buffy? Look, I know you wanted to—"

"No, Spike, it's okay," she rushed to reassure him. "I'm not upset I'm—glad. I mean, I'm not glad we're not going to…you know, but to be honest I don't think I can either right now."

"You can't?" he asked.

"No." She laughed. "I'm actually beat. Jet lag affects Slayers as much as the next person and I've been on an emotional rollercoaster the past few days. Plus I'm worried everything I do is going to accidentally hurt you right now, which is a real mood killer because I can't enjoy this while I think I'm going to put you in pain by making the wrong move."

Spike laughed along with her then and collapsed onto the bed next to her so they were lying side by side.

"We're a right pair, aren't we?"

"Yeah," she agreed, but I think it's better we hold off until we can both enjoy it to its fullest, right? I mean we're not not doing this because we don't want to, we're not doing it because we just aren't up to it right now, no matter how much of an ego killer that is for a vampire and a Slayer with a track record for stamina and high pain tolerance to admit."

"Agreed. It'll just be our little secret, yeah? We have plenty of time ahead of us. No rush."

She rolled over to face him. Giving him another contented smile she reached out to brush his cheek before planting another soft kiss on his lips.

"No rush," she agreed. "Of course, there's no reason we can't just hold each other…and sleeping in your clothes is not at all a comfortable or effective way to rest."

Spike grinned and struggled to sit up. Buffy did likewise and they made quick work of helping each other out of their clothes so they could slip beneath the sheets together. Buffy switched off the lamp throwing the room into darkness again. Spike eased his way closer to Buffy, putting his arm around her and she rolled onto her side so she could rest her head on his chest.

"This is okay, right?" she asked, looking up at him. "I'm not hurting you?"

"Nope. Not at all."

"Good."

She settled her hand against the scar in the centre of his chest again and they lay there in companionable silence listening to the faint sounds of cars driving by outside. It didn't take long for exhaustion to finally catch up and Buffy found herself drifting into a dreamless sleep within minutes.