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Author's Chapter Notes:
I have been writing all weekend on this story (my boyfriend's not best pleased lol) but when inspiration strikes, you gotta listen right? So yeah, anyway, I was planning on storing up the chapters I'd already written and posting them over the course of the week but then I thought, fuck it lol. So I'm posting all the chapters I have already written. It's not done yet, I still have a couple to write but it's basically on its way to being done. I'm thinking it might be a couple more than my original estimate of 5 (considering I'm posting up to chapter 5 right now and it still ain't done lol) but only a couple more, probably 7. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this cause it was surprisingly easy to write for me.

This chapter was actually the hardest for me to write and it's the one I'm most nervous about - their individual reasonings for what happens - but eh, I've reworked it as much as I can and it's not getting any better. So anyway, I hope you enjoy and don't be afraid to drop a wee review on me :)




Trying to get my key in the lock when Spike is pressed against me, his tongue in my mouth, his hands on my ass pressing me into him, is extremely difficult. Spike groans as he pulls away, grabbing the key from me and deftly opening the door and dragging me inside. The second the door closes he's on me again and I moan long and low when his hands gather me close to him and press me against his erection.



I rip his jacket from his shoulders as his hands tackle the zip on the back of my work dress. I hear two thuds in succession and realise it's his shoes when I almost trip on them as we make our way, stumbling into the bedroom.



Then he's stripping my dress from me and I'm ripping his shirt off his body, my greedy hands groping any inch of flesh they come in contact with. My shoes are gone, my bra soons follows, joined on the floor by his pants and I barely have time to note that he goes commando before we're lying on the bed completely naked, except for my distinctly unsexy white cotton panties.



He's kissing me again and I can't help but moan into his mouth as his hands, now freed of having to hold me upright, are now roaming all over my body. He cups my breasts, his thumbs flick my nipples and wander down my stomach and back up, groping and caressing my body, his mouth trailing a series of wet kisses from my mouth to my jaw to my neck and then he's sucking on my pulse through my skin. I swear I almost come right then and there. But then I would miss what happens next.



His mouth trails down to my breasts and I swear I hear him murmur my name in an awed voice right before he sucks my nipple into his mouth. I see stars. I'm panting and scratching at his back and he's sucking on my breasts like he needs them to live and I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I ..



".. can't breathe."



"What?" he murmurs, freeing my breast from his mouth with a wet noise. His eyes catch mine and the look we share almost breaks through the fog in my mind - what it is we're doing. But then he does it again ..



"Buffy."



The awe in his voice and his eyes pulls me back down into this moment that we've stolen for ourselves. He's kissing me again and before I know it, his hand is between our bodies manipulating me to climax as he watches hungrily. I come with his name on my lips, my voice sounding hoarse and scratchy and his eyes darken even more than before. Before I know it, my panties are gone completely and he's lining up with the entrance into my body.



He stops almost completely as he catches my dazed eyes and something passes through us as we look at each other. I nod almost imperceptibly and then he's pushing into me. His skin feels like velvet inside me and when he's all the way inside he stops and gasps. I'm panting and I can't believe he's part of me, I can't believe it. He's with me, finally. I have him, finally. I can show him I love him ..



".. finally!" I say out loud and his eyes refocus on me, where before they had been lost to bliss.



"Finally," he agrees, his hand on my temple, his thumb stroking my skin. With one final beat of anticipation, he starts to move within me, over me, with me and the dam breaks. I give myself over to him completely, undulating under him as he feverishly pounds into me, his eyes locked with mine the entire time. It feels like this is what was missing from my life since I was born; this connection with this man.



His groans and my gasps intermingle as our open mouths hover over each other. One of his arms is around my waist as he thrusts into me madly, my legs wrapped so tightly round him I wonder that he can even move. I feel like I've never been this close to another human being before and, unless I can have him again, I never will be again after this.



His hands reach down to grab mine from his sides and he slides them up the mattress to press them knuckles down into my pillow and he links our fingers in both hands. He slows his pace and it makes it so much more real for me. I can feel my eyes filling with tears because no-one will ever know how perfect this is except us. He kisses the spilled tears from my face because I think he understands, I really think he does and I'm sure I see the telltale sign of tears in his own eyes and it finally does me in. I come. I come and come and I feel like I'll never stop. His gaze is boring into mine as his own orgasm hits him, his eyes going wide and almost tortured, both of our bodies spasming uncontrollably. When he stills on top of me, I don't even care that we're so sweaty we're sliding against each other; I don't care when normally I'd be running for the bathroom to clean myself up. I don't care because he's still in me and his face is buried in my neck and I can feel his breath on my throat, his heartbeat in his chest against mine.



I wrap him in my arms and after a long moment of silence where we're just grasping at each other trying to come down from the height of pleasure, he slides to the side of me pulling me with him so we're lying on our sides face to face, arms tightly wound around each other's bodies, still so intimately connected. We're looking into each other's eyes. I can feel the real world wanting to break into this moment and I desperately want to ward it off, send it away. I want to stay here in this moment for the rest of my life.



"Don't say anything," I tell him with pleading eyes and he smiles a sad smile and pulls me in for a kiss which lingers. When we pull away he leans his forehead against mine and breathes my name again.



"Buffy."



It's the last thing I hear before I fall into the most peaceful sleep I've had in years.



When I wake up the next morning, his eyes are the first thing I see.



The first thing I hear, though, is Dru's voice on my answering machine.



"Buffy! Wake up and answer your goddamn phone, Spike didn't come home last night!"





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"Oh god, oh god, oh god."



I leap from the bed, my eyes wide, my heart hammering in my chest like Thumper's foot. He sits up, the sheet falling to his waist and I want to cover my eyes but I feel like I can't move.



"Buffy--"



"Don't! Don't. Oh god, oh god."



"Buffy, please--"



"No! You can't, we can't, I .. we can't have done that, oh god, tell me we didn't do that, oh god!"



He stills, his mouth opening but no sound coming out of it. The phone goes again and it's Dru, of course. She's demanding I answer and tell her where Spike went and how he'd better be lying at the side of the road because she'd rather he be dead than cheating on her. My face loses all colour and I feel myself begin to faint. He's there then, leaping from the bed and rushing to my side.



He sits me down on the bed. When he touches me, I flinch. He notices, I can tell, because he backs off immediately and perches on my dresser across from me. He's naked but it doesn't really penetrate my mind because I'm in a fog of self-loathing and guilt.



"I'm a horrible person. Oh god, we're horrible people! I slept with my best friend's husband!"



"I'm not her husband yet," he says in a quiet voice but I barely even hear him.



"Oh god, I'm the other woman! I'm Glenn Close! I'm gonna end up floating in bloody water in a bathtub and everyone will remember me as a crazy man-stealing slut with bad hair!"



I know I'm rambling and being quite pathetic but that's no reason for him to chuckle at me. God, if ever there was a time for him to not laugh, it's now. But he does anyway.



"Buffy, you don't have bad hair."



I fix him with a glare I didn't even know I had and apparently he didn't know I had it either because he looks almost fearful as I open my mouth.



"What's funny about this, Spike?"



He sighs. "Nothing. I can safely say there is nothing funny about this."



"Oh god, what're we gonna do? What am I going to say to her? Should we tell her? It'll break her! Oh god--"



"Buffy!" he half-shouts at me, breaking my daze. He crouches in front of me, holding my upper arms in his warm hands. I feel the zing again and I wonder if he does.



"Look, it's okay. It'll be okay."



"How? How will it be okay, Spike?" I plead. He gets quiet for so long that I wonder if he's ever going to answer me. His head drops as he seems to be wrestling with something he's afraid to say and I think he's going to ask me to forget it ever happened. My stomach drops out. This will be my punishment. I'll get to know that the best moment of my life is his biggest regret. How could it not be? He's in love with Drusilla. She's his whole world. I'm a by-product of too much booze and it being my birthday and .. oh god, what if it was pity? What if the whole time I was crying with the euphoria of finally being with him and he was drunk and merely taking pity on his terminally single college friend who spent her birthday drinking alone in a bar. Oh god, I can't take that, I just can't.



I'm torn. I don't know what I want him to say. I want him to say he loves me and always has and will leave her if I ask him to. But I also want him to say that of course they should forget it because Dru means so much to them both and they can't punish her for their mistake. I want him to be both: I want him to be the good guy and the bad guy. More than anything, I want him to decide for me because I can't. I can't choose. I can't pick the girl I've always loved over the boy I've always loved. I just can't.



But he isn't saying anything. Not one single thing. So maybe he's thinking the same thing. Maybe he's thinking choose for me, Buffy. Maybe he wants me to say it's okay; that yes, we made this mistake but he can still keep Dru. I don't know! Oh god, I don't know what to do and he's touching me - I can't think when he does that.



"It was a mistake .. right?" I ask in a wavering voice.

His head whips up. His eyes bore into mine. They're filled with sorrow and remorse and I feel like that's my answer. So, he regrets this .. of course, he regrets this. He just wants me to let him know he'll still have Dru - that he hasn't ruined his life for poor little Buffy Summers.



"So, it was a mistake," I start with a nod, somehow finding more bravado than I ever expected to. My eyes are cast to the floor now and I'm desperately trying to ignore the feel of his hands biting into my upper arms. "We were drunk. We didn't know what we were doing. 'Cause you love Dru, Spike, I know you do. It was just -- you can't lose Dru because of a drunk night with me. And I can't -- oh god, she's Dru. I've been her best friend forever. How can I ..?" I trail off, my eyes starting to water, though I'm not sure from what; guilt or the loss of this man for the second time. I shake my head in frustration. "We'll just forget it ever happened .. right?" I ask and although outwardly I'm asking him to agree with me, my insides are screaming. Please tell me it wasn't a mistake. Please tell me you love me, you've always loved, you will always love me.



But then he could have had me. He could have had me and he chose Dru. He must have known that all those years ago, he must have. This isn't the same thing to him as it is to me. This isn't the biggest moment in his life. This is the biggest regret of his life. Oh god, I'll never have him again. I never really did.



"Is that what you want?" he asks in a strained voice but before I can answer, the phone goes again and of course it's Dru, shouting at me to get up and help her figure out where Spike is. I get a sudden flash of the night my mother died and Dru slept over in my bed with me; holding me all night, her 10-year-old arms wrapped around my 10-year-old body, her voice telling me I'd always have her, not to cry, I'd always have her. Another flash; Spike and Dru the night they announced their engagement and how happy Dru was with him.



"That's the way it is, right?" I say in a small voice, my eyes still avoiding his. "I mean, you love Dru. You don't want to throw that away on a mistake."



He releases my arms abruptly and stands, stumbling a little when he turns his back to me. It finally registers that he's naked and I turn to my side, averting my eyes from his perfect back and ass. I barely hear his voice when he speaks.



"Yeah, a mistake."



I have to focus. I have to stop this; stop this feeling sorry for myself. I'm messing with both of these people's lives and I'm sitting here practically weeping over what I'm losing. God, I feel sick.



"I have to phone Dru," I start, trying to will my voice to be strong. But then it hits me again. Oh fuck, I have to phone Dru! "What am I gonna say?" I whisper, not expecting an answer.



"Just tell her what happened," he murmurs.



"What?" My eyes snap up to him in shock.



He sighs again, his back still turned to me.



"I mean, just tell her I saw you still at the bar, we got sloshed and I crashed at your place. On the couch."



"Yeah, on the couch, okay. Oh god, this is awful, I'm so awful, oh god--"



"Buffy, stop!" he says, almost angrily. "It wasn't just you, okay? You're not awful, we just .."



"Did something awful."



I can see his face twist in a grimace and he looks almost hurt. He turns back round to face me and again, it hits me that he's naked and suddenly my blush has made a return.



"Yeah, awful," he says quietly.



"Can you -- you're naked, Spike."



"So're you, Buffy."



"Well, can we not be naked any more, please? This is bad enough."



"So you've made clear, pet."



"Spike, please. How can you be so blase about this whole thing? You just cheated on your wife!"



"She's not my wife yet, Buffy!" he states plainly but I have no idea what he's getting at and I don't want to see the distinction. If Dru's his wife it makes this worse and somehow that makes me feel better.



"It doesn't matter! You asked her to marry you--"



"She asked me."



"You promised to .. what?"



"I said, she asked me to marry her. I didn't propose."



"You didn't?"



"No."



"Dru told me you did."



He barks a sad laugh as he breaks away from the dresser behind him. I have no idea what's going through his head right now - or mine, to be quite honest. Everything feels very dreamlike as he darts out of the room, scooping up the trail of clothing as he goes and when he comes back he's in his pants. He throws my dress onto the bed beside me with a tired sigh.



"So what's it to be, kitten?" he asks with a note of anger in his voice. I hate the thought he's angry with me. But then, why wouldn't he be? He got drunk with me and almost threw away his whole life.



"I have to phone her and tell her you're on your way home to her."



"Whatever you want, luv."



"Please don't call me that," I ask in a small voice. I'm terrified I'll start crying in front of him, perched on the end of my bed naked, wrapped in a sheet that's no doubt sporting the spendings of our night together; the night together that's still making my skin tingle. I can feel my heart breaking at the thought that I had him in my arms, finally, and now I have to watch him slide away again. I had him. I don't even know why I had him - what it was last night that made him want this. But he did. For a few hours anyway. It's amazing I had him even for a few hours. He's a god. Dru's a goddess. I'm just Buffy. Now more than ever, I can't believe I ever thought he would want me over Dru.



"Sorry, lu-- Buffy."



"I have to phone her. Can you ..?"



"Yeah, okay. I guess I'll see you .. sometime."



He's looking at me with a sadness that unsettles me and I can't stop thinking about what he must be feeling right now. He could have lost Dru because of a drunken mistake with me. I'm a little amazed he's even talking to me. I wrap the bedsheet more firmly around me and walk out to the living room, grabbing the phone and praying that I'll be able to pull this off. If I ruin Spike and Dru, any more than I already have, she'll never forgive me or him. And if Spike loses Dru I don't know what he'll do. I have to make this right. I have to keep it together. I have to make up for my selfishness. I just don't know how I'm going to do it.





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She bought it. And just thinking that sentence makes me feel dirty. I fed my best friend a line and she bought it. Because why wouldn't she? It's not like she knows I'm a slut who slept with her fiance the second her back was turned. I've always been able to justify how being in love with Spike didn't neccesarily make me a bad person. You can't help who you love, right?



But you can help who you have sex with. That's the line you don't cross. And I crossed it.



Spike's at my apartment door when I finish my phone call. He's standing with his hand on the doorknob, gripping it so hard his knuckles are white and I don't know if I should say something or wait for him to leave so he can forget he made this awful mistake. I know I'll be crying all weekend and all I can think is how I can avoid Dru so she won't see my red eyes or how puffy my cheeks are - so she can't make me tell her why I'm so miserable.



"Are you sure this is what you want?" His voice sounds fragile as he asks me this with his back turned. "Don't you think we should tell her?"



"What would we tell her?" I ask him quietly.



"We could tell her the truth."



"And how would that help anyone?" Dru wouldn't have Spike, Spike wouldn't have Dru and I wouldn't have either. No-one wins. But despite what it would cost him he's willing to risk it all to be honest? I can't let him do that. He loves her. I can't let him lose her. That's at least something I can do for them.



"She's your fiance. You love her. And she's been my best friend my whole life, Spike. I don't know who I am without her. How can we do that to her?"



His shoulders slump and he opens the door quickly.



"Right, it wouldn't help anyone," he says. He glances back at me, standing in my living room with a sheet wrapped around my naked body, my hair surely sticking every-which-way in the air and he looks close to tears. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm so, so sorry."



He turns and leaves, the door closing heavily behind him. Which is a good thing because I can't hold back the tears at the sorrow on his face, the regret of what he could have thrown away in drunken-ness. He could have thrown away Dru and he's so, so sorry. And I'm just about as broken as I've ever been.



TBC


Chapter End Notes:
TBC



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