[Reviews - 27]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 3042 times

- Text Size +




Author's Chapter Notes:
Number 4 ...




I've been dodging Dru for a few weeks but I know it can't last. She's taken a house in the Hamptons this summer; we all have. I had been looking forward to it actually. Before my birthday, that is. I'd thought it would be the highlight of my summer - every weekend for two months getting to be around Spike and even though I knew it was wrong, it was at least innocently wrong. The only person I was hurting was myself. But now I've gone beyond it. I've hurt Spike. I've hurt Dru, even if she doesn't know it. I've hurt myself. Though I guess I deserve it, don't I? I took what wasn't mine and now I have to give it back.



Spike's called me a few times since my birthday but I've screened. He left a message one night, said he needed to talk to me but I just couldn't bear to hear what he'd say. How it was eating away at him that he'd done this to his Dru. How he felt so guilty and dirty because of what we did. I couldn't stand to hear how much of a mistake it was to him because it wasn't a mistake to me at all. I know it was wrong, I know it would devastate Dru, I know it would destroy Spike if he lost Dru, but I just can't regret it. Not yet. I had him. For a few hours I could touch him and look into him and let him look into me and I had him. Oh god, it was what I've always wanted. How can I regret that?



It makes me an awful person, I know. I must be the worst kind of human being to betray someone who has done nothing but love me her whole life. And I've always had the feeling that Dru needed me in some vital way. When she begged me to come across the country with them, I'm still not sure if I moved because I'd get to still see Spike or because Dru was so desperate for me to be there with her. She's always needed me, in a way. I have to get it together. Three weekends in a row now I've said oh I can't come, I need to work, but Dru won't believe that forever. I have to go to the Hamptons with them. I have to smile when appropriate and listen to Dru tell me about Spike being so perfect for her and pretend to be normal. I have to look at Spike and pretend I don't love him. Which was easier before I'd had him. But now I know how he tastes, how he feels, what his eyes look like when he's inside me.



I just have to suck it up. That's what Xander would say if I was brave enough to tell him what I'd done. Just suck it up and deal. That's the plan, anyway.





----------------------------------------------------------





The plan's not going well. The Hamptons are usually a place to have fun. Summer-time, friends, frollick and fun. Not this year. As soon as I got into the car I could smell him. He was driving and Dru was, of course, up front next to him in her rightful place. I was in the backseat with a work-friend of Spike's that was accompanying us and staying at the house. His name's Riley and I listened as best I could while he prattled on about his former life in the army and how he was originally from Iowa or Idaho or blah blah. But all the while I was trying to fight my eyes in their attempts to wander to Spike. I could make out the side of his face the whole drive and a part of me kept pleading with him to look at me. He never did.



Well, that was a few hours ago and we're now all out on the beach round a campfire. Dru's reclining on Spike's quiet form as he looks into the fire. They're across from me and his face is being warped by the heat from the fire. Riley keeps trying to get me to engage with him but I just don't have the energy. He's very nice and sweet but I honestly just couldn't care less. God, I'm a bitch.



"Well, I think it's time to get the fun started, don't you, Riley?" Dru asks, her mischief-making face on.



"Well sure, I'm up for some fun," he grins, shooting yet another hopeful glance my way.



"So Buff: truth or dare," asks Dru with that twinkle in her eye that lets me know she's on a matchmaking quest.



I sigh. "Aren't we a little old for that, Dru?"



"Pfft, you're never too old for truth or dare. Come on, pick one!"



The thing with Dru is she never lets things go. Once she has something in her mind, she'll make it happen and arguing doesn't penetrate her skull. It doesn't matter how many times you turn her down. She's like the Russian army. She'll take a pounding and just come back at you stronger next time. She always wins in the end.



"Dare, I guess."



I sigh inwardly when she giggles. I can tell that's exactly what she wanted me to say.



"Okay, I dare you to .. kiss Riley."



Spike's head snaps away from the fire, focusing on me before darting to Riley and there's a tension in him as he watches us.



"Oh come on, Dru," I half-laugh.



"I'm game if you are, Buffy," Riley says from beside me. He's got this little boy look on his face and I feel bad that he's caught up in this mess. He's a nice enough guy and no doubt Dru's been chatting in his ear for weeks, trying to get me together with him. I decide to just get it all over with.



"Okay."



"Ah-ah! Remember the truth or dare rules! It has to be at least 10 seconds. With tongue."



"Dru, stop it," Spike says harshly and she turns to look at him.



"What's wrong with you, grumpy?"



"Nothing. I just think you should leave them alone, that's'all."



"Besides, that's spin-the-bottle rules, Dru," I say but again I'm stopped by Riley, who puts his hand on my arm.



"I don't mind, Buffy. You're beautiful. Kissing you for ten seconds will pretty much be the highlight of my year."



I plaster a smile on my face because I know that's what my response should be, but I just can't find it in myself to enjoy it. When I kiss him it feels like when Dru and I used to practice on our dolls. It's plastic and I can't help but think of all those feverish kisses shared with Spike. The way he held me, the way he kissed me with his whole being, the sparks that flew across my body as his lips carressed mine. The memory of that takes hold of my body and I enthustiastically deepen the kiss with Riley in an attempt to bring some of that magic out with him. After the ten seconds, though, I know it's not going to happen and I pull away, making sure to half-smile at him so I don't hurt his feelings.



"Wow," Dru says and I glance over to her. She waggles her eyebrows at me delightedly. My eyes dart to Spike, who is staring at Riley with a pinched look on his face. I can't tell what he's thinking.





----------------------------------------------------------





They're probably in there right now having sex. They left the fire not long after 'the kiss', Spike having not spoken a word since it. It only took ten minutes of not entertaining his advances for Riley to retreat inside alone.



The fire's almost totally died down but I can't bring myself to go inside the house. It's one thing to know they have sex. It's another to know they're having sex when I'm in the same building. I just can't take that. Not now; not after my birthday. So I sit out here. It's getting cold but I don't really care. Anything that makes me feel is good.



I hear a whoosh and my head turns in the direction of the house. Spike is standing at the patio doors dressed in his jeans and white t-shirt from earlier, barefoot and staring out at me. I can't look away as he steps outside and shuts the door behind him, the whoosh sound of the door carrying across to the fire. I can't take my eyes off him as he makes his way over to where I'm still sitting.



I finally drag my gaze away as he sits down next to me and we both stare into the fire for long minutes. When he finally speaks, it's not what I expected him to say.



"Did you have to do that?"



"Do what?" I ask, confused.



"Kiss him," he says sadly, turning to look at me. The sadness in his eyes astounds me.



"What?"



"You heard me."



"I -- I don't understand."



"You don't understand. No, I guess you wouldn't," he muses quietly.



My head is whirling as I look at him. His head is down and he's pulling at the threads on the bottom of his worn jeans. He looks so lost and I feel the urge to reach out and run my hands through his hair. But I can't focus. All I can think is that he doesn't want me to kiss Riley. Why doesn't he want me to kiss Riley?



"Why did you kiss me?" I blurt out.



He raises his head to look at me and blinks in silent contemplation.



"Why did you kiss me in the cab?" I ask again. I don't know why I can ask him this now but not that morning. I don't know what's changed but I'm too caught up in the anxiety of waiting for his answer to worry about possible embarrassment.



"Why do you think I kissed you?" he asks quietly.



"Because you were drunk and felt bad for me," I answer bluntly, which surprises the hell out of me.



I can't bring myself to look at him but his hand reaches out and he tilts my chin until I'm held in the beam of his eyes, the dying fire flashing across his face and I gasp at the look on his face.



"I wasn't that drunk, Buffy," he says steadily. I'm caught in suspended animation, unsure what's happening. "Do you really not know?" he asks softly, gazing at my mouth. "How could you not know?"



"Know what?" I ask breathlessly.



A muscle twitches in his clenched jaw as he stares at my mouth and I can feel myself leaning into him. But then he shakes his head and refocuses on my eyes, suddenly grabbing my arms to pull me closer to him.



"Why didn't you tell me you felt that way about me in college?" he asks, his eyes blazing fiercely. I open my mouth like a fish. I'm in a daze. I can't believe he's touching me .



"Why didn't you tell me back then, Buffy? Do you have any idea how it felt when you said that that night? That you'd liked me back, that I could have had you all those years ago?"



His grip on me tightens and I'm paralysed, unable to speak or think. All I see are his eyes, all I hear are his words.



"I felt like you'd punched me in the stomach. I could barely breathe, I --" he breaks off, his eyes boring into mine with an intensity that would frighten me if I didn't love him so much. The wall that has been behind his eyes when he looks at me is tumbling down as I'm fixed in his gaze.



I make a broken croaking sound but I really don't know what it is I'm trying to say. I can't speak. I can barely think. Oh god, is this really happening? Am I dreaming? I haven't hit my head on a beach log and knocked myself out, have I?



"You want to know why I kissed you that night, Buffy?"



YES! I scream in my head.



"I kissed you in the cab because I couldn't live another second of my life not kissing you. I kissed you because you're all I've bloody thought about since the second I met you. I kissed you -- I made love to you that night because I finally thought that maybe you felt the same way about me. Please tell me, Buffy, tell me if you felt that too, please!"



I can't think, I can't breathe. Oh god, I can't breathe. I'm panting and my voice is hoarse when I try to speak but I don't really care.



"I -- I don't understand," I manage, my eyes darting between his. "You didn't want me back then," I state in confusion.



His lip curls. "The hell I didn't!"



"But you didn't!" I cry, finding my voice at last. "That night, I went to the bar and you were there with Dru - you didn't want me!"



"I did, Buffy, I always have," he says and the anguish all over his face is almost unbearable. I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe this.



"You met Dru that night and I thought -- you chose her."



"No! No, I didn't! You set me up with her! You said we were just friends, Buffy! You told me I should go out with Dru! You basically cut me off at the knees right there on the street!"



"I thought .. I thought you wanted her," I confess, tears starting to spill from my eyes. "I didn't think you wanted me the way I wanted you. I .. I just wanted you to be happy." He looks at me like I mean everything to him, like he loves me the way I love him, and I can't grasp it. I just can't believe this is happening.



"You wanted me to be happy. Well that's just great, Buffy," he says, releasing me. I put my hand out to steady myself on the sand. He looks away from me, his jaw clenched tight.



"What was I supposed to think, Spike?" I ask quietly. "I didn't know. You didn't say you were asking me 'out' out and I was so unsure .. and when I got there you'd met up with Dru and you were flirting with her and she was all over you. I thought you just thought of me as your friend."



"You were the one who invited her that night. You were the one who always said we were just friends."



"Because I didn't want to embarrass myself!" I explode and he looks at me again, some of his anger deflating as he sees how distressed I am.



"You were this gorgeous god on campus! Everyone wanted you and I was supposed to think you wanted to be with me?" I cry, my voice wavering with the emotion I've hidden for so long. "Then when you said we should go out, I hoped you meant as more than friends, I was so desperate for it. I asked Dru to be there that night as a buffer, in case I was wrong. I was so afraid .. but I was hoping it would be the night you'd finally see me and then you were all over Dru by the time I arrived and I just thought--"



"She was all over me! I was waiting for you! I thought I'd finally get to tell you how I felt about you and then you set me up with your best friend!"



"I didn't set you up with her!"



"Well, that's not what Dru said, Buffy."



My stomach drops.



"Dru said I was setting you up with her?" I ask breathlessly, not believing this could be true. She wouldn't have done that. I've always believed she just didn't know how deep my feelings were for Spike when she went after him. It's never occurred to me she could have lied to get him.



"Yeah, that's what she said," he says bitterly. He pauses for a moment and his voice gets impossibly soft as he continues. "I thought you just saw me as your friend, Buffy. I never would've -- I thought you'd never see me as more. And when you said I should go out with Dru, I just thought it didn't matter, because you didn't see me like that and Dru did and I was lonely and sad and tired of wanting you and not getting you. So I went out with her. I know that sounds pathetic and I know it makes me just as much of a user as Dru but it's the truth, Buffy."



Spike thinks Dru's a user? What the hell is happening? Oh god, my head is going to explode. I can't wrap my thoughts around this.



"I know this whole thing is a gigantic mess but I can't do this any more. I have to tell you the truth now, before it's too late."



"Stop," I whisper.



"You don't understand, I--"



"Please stop!"



"Buffy, listen to me--"



"No! It's already too late, don't you understand that? You're getting married to my best friend in less than two months, Spike!"



"I'm not married yet, Buffy," he says pointedly.



"So what? I should jump on before the clock ticks down, is that it? Get the what if out of your system before you marry her?" I ask snidely, overcome with anger that he's doing this to me now when it all seems too damn late.



"You're not a what if to me! You're everything to me, Buffy."



"Oh really? Because I didn't see you fighting to keep me that morning after you fucked me!"



"Don't you dare say that to me, Buffy, don't you dare. You have no fucking idea how much the thought of you has tormented me over the years and then when I finally had you, you told me I was a drunken mistake!"



"I thought that was what you wanted!" I cry. "You -- god, I've tormented you? I'm not the one getting married! Do you have any idea how much it hurts to sit and listen to her talk about how perfect you two are together? How much you love her, how you tell her she's the most perfect woman you've ever met? Don't you understand that sitting back and watching you plan a life with someone else kills me? To be on the sidelines and see someone else living the life I want?"



My tears are running rampant down my face and pooling in the curve of my throat as I cry at him. He's looking at me with awe and misery in equal measures.



"I can't do this, I just can't!" I gasp, attempting to rise from the sand and run away, just get away from this pain that's overwhelming me.



"No! No, Buffy, please," he panics, reaching out to grab me again, hold me down next to him. "Please, don't go. Please .. please, listen to me," he pleads as I try to control my breathing. My body is shaking, my heart is hammering and I feel like I'm going to explode. I can hear him breathing heavily. I can feel his pants for breath hitting my face. His warm hands are still on my arms, flexing, as he gathers his thoughts, but not letting go.



"I feel like I've fallen into a nightmare sometimes," he whispers roughly to me. "I have moments of clarity where I can't believe I'm marrying someone I don't .." he breaks off, shaking and dropping his head. "I don't even know how this all happened. One minute I'm staring at your back as you walk away from me down that street and the next I'm engaged to your best friend and I can't .." he huffs a breath. "When Dru said she wanted to marry me, all I could think was that if I married her I'd always have you in my life. All I could think was to keep you any way I could get you. I thought if I stayed with Dru -- god, I know it doesn't make any sense, I know it doesn't," his hand is shaking and he's practically vibrating with anxiety in front of me. "I just thought that since I couldn't have you .. it didn't really matter who I was with."



When he finishes, looking at me as if I mean everything to him, an uncontrollable sob escapes from my throat and with a whisper of my name his arms are around me, holding me to him. I'm sobbing in earnest, folded into his strong arms and he squeezes me so tightly like he's afraid I'll disappear if he's not touching as much of me as he can. My body is shaking with sobs, unable to believe that he'd really wanted me all along, that we could have had each other but were both too stupid to do anything about it. I think of all those times Dru told me about Spike and I almost wretch when I think I could have been with him. We could have been happy all these years if only one of us had been brave enough. And now we're cheaters. We're cheaters who are dancing around the idea of him dumping his fiance - my best friend - and what? Starting to date? How would that ever happen? How would Dru ever allow that to happen?



"What're we going to do, Spike?" my voice small and lost sounding, buried in his shoulder. "It's too late, we messed it all up."



"It's not too late, Buffy," he says fiercely, leaning back to catch my eyes, pleading with me. "It's not too late. Not if .."



He trails off. I can feel my pulse racing, my heart in my mouth. He takes a deep breath.



"That night, your birthday .. were you there with me?"



His voice is almost a whisper as he asks me this and my heart swells with the love I've had for him all these years. My voice breaks in my throat as I answer him.



"Yes."



"Buffy .."



"I've always been with you," I whisper brokenly.



His eyes turn black. They're boring into mine with an intensity I almost can't believe. And then he's kissing me. I'm pressing myself into him with the aid of his hands, my own hands running through his hair, unwilling to let him pull away from me. The fireworks are back. I can't believe I was kissing someone else an hour or so before. I feel like I could never have kissed anyone else in my life because this hasn't happened with anyone else, this feeling. No-one else. I never thought I'd have this after that night but he's here with me again. And I just don't know if I'm going to be able to give it up this time.





TBC


Chapter End Notes:
TBC



You must login (register) to review.