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Author's Chapter Notes:
The last update tonight. Like I said, I'm thinking probably another 3 or so chapters. I hope you enjoy :)




I'm back home. I'm back in my apartment and I don't know what to do. Spike said not to worry. He told me to act normal and he'd take care of it. But how am I supposed to not worry? How am I supposed to act normal? What the hell is normal anyway? Normal for me is sitting by Dru's side while she happily lives her life. Normal is pretending I'm not desperately in love with my best friend's significant other. Normal is not making and receiving declarations of undying something, while my best friend is asleep not fifty yards away dreaming of a wedding, honeymoon and life with Spike that might not happen now. I have no idea what to do. I'm amazed I was even able to face her this morning.



When I woke up today, it was with the usual feeling of dread that I had to face them, see them together and pretend. And then I remembered. He'd told me he felt the same as me. We'd kissed. For hours it felt like. It took a long time for my brain to kick into gear. I just kept thinking of all he'd said, all he'd revealed to me. The regret seeped in then. All those years we'd both been miserable because we were too stupid, too cowardly to put ourselves out there. And we'd dragged Dru into it too. She was planning a wedding with someone who didn't want her. Oh god, I felt such a surge of anger at myself and Spike when I thought of all we'd done to ourselves and Dru because we were too afraid. And now we were going to, what? Rip her life away from her? Take away her best friend and fiance in one fell swoop? How could that be the right thing to do? I'd asked him that on the beach.



"I can't marry her, Buffy," he'd said. "I can't. Not now."



"But you could before this? Why could you happily plan a wedding with her then but not now? You must feel something for her, Spike."



"I wasn't planning anything, Buffy, I was coasting just like I always have. Then that night, your birthday, it was like I was finally awake and I .. all I know is I can't do this now. No matter what happens with this .. us," and he'd sent me a fragile look as he paused, "all I know is I can't marry her when I don't .."



"You don't love her?" I'd asked in a small voice, barely able to believe.



"No. I don't. You know I don't."



"I don't think I know anything any more", I'd replied softly.



And I really don't. I don't know. Everything feels like a dream right now. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room, staring at the wall. I woke up this morning and came downstairs to find Spike outside pacing on the decking. When he saw me from the corner of his eye, he flashed me such a disarmingly sad but brilliant smile that I couldn't help it; I smiled back. God, in the midst of this misery we were planning for my best friend, I was smiling and he was smiling back and it felt good. It felt so good to be free to show him how he affected me. I met him at the patio doors and he just had time to whisper to me that he'd take care of it, not to worry, to act normal. And then Dru was there. She was hugging me from behind and leaning over to kiss Spike's cheek. I felt like I was the dirtiest human being on the face of the planet. I didn't wait long to get my excuses in. I told her I had to go back to the city for work and she stamped her foot, as I knew she would, and moaned that she barely gets to see me any more. I felt dirtier and dirtier every second I sat there next to her across from Spike, who wouldn't look at me or her. I made my exit very quickly after that.



And now I'm here. In my apartment. With no idea what to do. I don't even know what he's going to say to her. Is he going to call off the wedding? Really? Can I believe he's actually going to do it? And then what? We'll start dating? How can I do that? Dru would never understand. And why should she? I'm basically stealing her future. I've stolen her fiance. Oh god, I'm the worst person in the world. I can't believe this is happening. How can I be so sad and so happy about the same thing? On one hand, I'm drowning in guilt that I could do this to her. I'm sitting here knowing what she's going through, what she's losing maybe right at this very minute and all I can think about is that Spike wants me. That's the other hand. He wants me. He always has. Every time I've felt miserable because I didn't have him, he's felt the same way.



My phone goes and I freeze. Oh god, what if that's her? What do I say? Oh god, what if it's him? What do I do? Can I be happy when she's so sad? Can I take this from her?



I reach out with a shaking hand and pick up the reciever and say hello and what I hear has me exhaling out a massive breath of relief.



"Hell-oooooo! What's up Buffster?"



"Oh god, Xander!" I cry, and I immediately have his attention.



"Buffy? What's wrong? Are you okay? Talk to me!"



Talk to him. And so I am. I'm talking to him. I'm telling him everything. I'm rambling and panting for breath and crying all at once. I'm telling him everything that's happened since my birthday, since I found out both the best thing in the world and the worst thing in the world. I'm tripping over myself to get it all out of me. It feels like I'm exorcising a demon from my body, just to get it all out. He's so good, he gets me so well. He's listening without interrupting and encouraging me when I'm stumbling for breath. When I finally finish, he's silent for about a minute. I'm thinking of all he must think of me, how his opinion of me must have plummeted, when he finally speaks.



"Good for you, Buffy. Good for both of you."



"What?" To say I'm stunned is an understatement.



"You heard me, Buffy. This is the first time in a long while I've heard real emotion in your voice. You have no idea how often I've wanted to beat you over the head with something heavy just to get a reaction out of you. You've been living in purgatory, Buffy, for a long time and now you're finally out, aren't you?" I can hear the smile in his voice.



"I don't understand. Did you hear me? I'm stealing her--"



"You're not stealing anything, Buffy. You can't steal a person. It sounds like he was never hers in the first place. And I'm betting your little misunderstanding all those years ago had something to do with Dru, right?"



I think of Dru telling Spike I was setting him up with her.



"But it's wrong, Xander!"



"How is it wrong? Do you love him, Buff?"



"Yes! God, yes. You know I do."



"And he loves you?"



"I don't know. He hasn't --"



"Yeah, but I'm betting he does. Sounds like he was hit by the Buffinator," he says fondly and I laugh through my tears. "Take Dru out of this for a moment, Buffy."



"How can I --"



"Just do me this one favour, okay? Just pretend. Just pretend that Spike had told you all this and you didn't have to worry about Dru. How would you feel right now?"



"Euphoric," I answer immediately, softly.



"Now, tell me why instead of being euphoric, you're crying."



"Because Dru is in this, Xander. She thinks she's getting married to Spike in a few weeks and I'm sitting here in my apartment with the taste of his lips still on my mouth. I'm having an affair with my best friend's fiance. How is that not wrong?"



"You're not having an affair, Buffy. It sounds like the engagement is going to be over whether you're involved or not. What you're doing is taking control of your life, Buffy. You're not chasing him around trying to get him to sleep with you, are you?"



"No."



"No, you're not. And he's not asking you to sleep with him behind Dru's back is he?"



"No, but --"



"But nothing. What you're both doing is trying to extract yourselves from a messy situation."



"That was caused by us in the first place!"



"Yeah, and I'm betting Dru has more than her fair share of dirt on her hands in this one."



"How can you say that?"



"Because I know her, Buff, that's how. I know you both very well and I know how you both work. You give up your happiness to please her and she gets what she wants. That's the way it's always been. I just don't know why you can't see it."



"You just don't get her, Xander. She needs me."



"Yeah, she does, doesn't she? She needs you. She needs you around so she can put you down and control you and make sure you're always around to make her feel better. She needs you to be there so she won't be alone, because no-one else will put up with her shit. And you let her! You always have! Only this time you're not going to do that Buffy, you hear me?"



"Xander --"



"No, listen to me! You really love this guy, I know you do. He's your future, Buffy. And you are not going to let her take your future again. You hear me?"



"He's not mine to take, Xander!"



"But see that's the thing, Buffy; he is. And you're his, apparently. Dru is the one that stuck herself between you, I'm betting, and now it's all tumbling down around her ears. Well boo-hoo."



"God, that's so cold, Xander. How can you say that?"



"Because it's the truth. How about this: do you think if the situation was reversed Dru wouldn't put her happiness before yours?"



I flash to Angel and Dru in the school corridor, her hand on his arm, his other arm resting on her back, my teenage heart breaking. I flash to the night in the bar with Dru leaning against Spike when she knew I liked him, she knew it. Her mouthing so hot behind his back as I felt my dreams being crushed. Her off-hand 'I'll call you' as I made my escape. The twinkle in her eye when she flashed her engagement ring at me.



"See? You know it, Buff. Dru's not stupid. She's known you all her life. You didn't need to tell her you were in love with Spike back then. She already knew it, Buffy," he says sadly, imparting news that's shockingly real and right that I've been blind to for so long.



"Why are you saying all this?" I whisper, hurt beyond all recognition, though I'm not sure why. Is it that I've let this happen to me, blindly? Is it that everyone knew it but me? Or is the ache in my chest just mourning the loss of my old vision of Dru; the Dru who picked me as her best friend, who picked me over the popular girls, who picked me because I thought she loved me, not because I was weak.



He sighs tiredly before he answers me.



"Because I love you, Buff, and I want you to be happy. Dru doesn't. Don't you see that? I know you guys go way back, even further back than us, and I get that that matters to you but Buffy, you haven't been friends for a long long time. She's like your jailer. She rules your life. She always has. Only it's not hers to rule. It's yours. This is your chance to be happy, Buffy. For god's sake, don't throw it away. Be selfish. For once in your life, do something for yourself. I promise you if you don't you'll regret it, Buff."



And then he hangs up and I'm left staring at my wall, my brain spinning like a whirling dervish and all I can see are fragments of events in my past where I've put Dru before me and I can't think, I can't think clearly. I'm still clutching the receiver five minutes later when there's a knock on my door and I'm suddenly so sure it's Spike. I feel like I've just been hit by lightning. Could I have it? Could I have my happiness? Could I take my happily-ever-after at the expense of Dru? All I can think is that I need to see him. I need to see him in the flesh right now. I drop the reciever on the floor in my mad dash to get to him, feel him, make sure it's all real.



I open the door and he's there, smiling hesitantly at me. My heart takes over control of my body, banishing that voice in my head that says what I want is wrong. I blurt out the first thing I can think of, just as he opens his mouth to speak and we end up with a little sitcom moment of overlapped speech that would make me laugh if I wasn't in the midst of a nervous-breakdown.



"I'm in love with you."



"I called off the wedding."





----------------------------------------------------------





"You did?"



"Huh?" he says, dazed.



"I can't believe .." I trail off with awe.



"Buffy --"



"You called it off? Really?" And he finally wakes from his daze.



"Yes! Of course I did, I told you I couldn't --" he breaks off with a heavy breath, his eyes flooded with longing. "Say it again, Buffy, please tell me again," he pleads.



"I .. oh god, Spike, I've been in love with you for years," I sob, my body shaking. He immediately pushes me inside my apartment, shutting the door and holding me by my shoulders. He looks into my eyes desperately.



"Are you sure?"



"God, yes!" I cry. He's looking at me with a heavenly smile and I've never seen his face so open before. He's never looked more beautiful to me. There's nothing else in the world right now; not Xander, not Dru, nothing but this. His eyes and his smile and his arms around me and my hands on his chest. I can feel his heartbeat thundering beneath my hands.



"I am so bloody in love with you, Summers," he says quietly with conviction. He clutches at the back of my head, pulling me to him and fastening his mouth onto mine. I kiss him back so desperately I think I must be hurting him but he just holds me against him harder. His tongue is plunging into my mouth and I'm whimpering at how perfect this is. I can't believe he's here, it's happening! God, finally! He tears his mouth from mine, his lips raining kisses on my face, his hands holding me so close to him it's a wonder we can both breathe.



"I can't believe this is happening," I whisper when he's dragged his mouth down my throat to dance along my skin and suck on my pulse again. He stops his ministrations at the disbelief in my voice. He pulls back and his face fills my vision again. He looks almost frightening in his intensity as he speaks to me.



"You better believe it, Buffy, because I'm through with all this mis-communication crap. I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since you starfished in front of me all those years ago," he says with a half-laugh, though his eyes are burning. "I can't believe I was such a goddamn wimp to let you walk away from me that night at the bar or the day after we made love or the million times I sat with you in that library on campus, watching you stuff sandwiches in your mouth and just about bursting from not kissing you."



"You have no idea how much I wanted you to," I say breathlessly through my tears. But for once, they're happy tears.



"Buffy .."



His eyes darken. He's looking at me like I'm covered in his favorite flavour of ice-cream and it's all I can take. I pounce on him, my legs wrapping around his waist. He stumbles back before turning on the spot. He pushes me against the wall, his hands groping at every part of me he can reach. I hear a rip but I don't care what it is. All I care about is that his face is pressed between my bare breasts and he's kissing and licking and sucking my bare flesh. My hand reaches down to his zipper to get him inside me, I need him inside me, and I think I say it out loud because he says "yes, inside you". I claw at his back and then he's free of his jeans. He pushes into me in a single movement and I literally scream my relief at the feel of him as he thrusts into me. When I open my eyes I can see that he's crying as he looks at me, saying my name over and over. I feel like I'm on fire, feverish with wanting him even when I've got him. I thrust down on him over and over, desperate to recapture him inside me every time he leaves. He pushes me more fully against the wall with a much harder thrust and I scream as I climax. I'm coming as I look straight into his eyes and then he's coming too - we're falling, sliding down the wall but I don't care and he doesn't either because we're both laughing and crying and saying I love you and it's the most beautiful moment of my entire life.





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"The day you told me about your mum. I knew it then."



"You did?"



"Yeah. You were just so .. raw."



"Like a slab of meat?"



He chuckles and pulls me closer. We're laying in my bed on our sides, face to face and wrapped around each other's naked bodies. Our clothes are lying forgotten in a haphazard trail into the bedroom. We've been lying here for an hour, two hours, a week, two months, I have no idea. All I know is that it's perfect and it feels like we've been together forever.



"Well I can beat that," I say with a blush.



"Oh, you can?"



"Uh-huh. The night you stayed with me in the library so you could help me with my paper and we had to hide in the office to avoid the night-watchman guy."



"That's when you knew?"



"Uh-huh. I knew. I just never thought .."



"What?" he prompts, with a sad smile on his face.



"I just never thought .. someone like you would want someone like me," I tell him quietly. As soon as I say it I want to take it back because he just looks so sad. "I'm sorry, I don't mean you're shallow or --"



"One of these days you're going to tell me why you think so little of yourself, Buffy," he says softly.



"I don't .. I don't think so little of myself," I argue, confused.



"Then why don't you see what I see when I look at you?"



"What do you see?" I ask, my voice a barely-there whisper.



He smiles and runs his hand through my hair, down the side of my face and around to the front where he stokes my bottom lip with his thumb. I'm a puddle of goo when he finally answers.



"I see you, Buffy Summers. The most beautiful woman I've ever known in my entire life," he says with a soft smile. He strokes my face as he talks and I'm falling into his eyes. "Your big green eyes. Your perfect mouth. Your shampoo-commercial hair. Your sexy body. The way you talk. The way your nose crunches up when you're writing. Your wit. Your spark --"



"Spike --" I start, astounded but he cuts me off again.



"You're perfect for me, Buffy," he says with conviction. "I have never wanted anyone or anything in my life the way I want you. All of you. I want you for good. I don't want to ever be without this again, do you understand?"



"Y-yes," I stutter breathlessly.



"I know we've dug a hole for ourselves that we're not talking about right now, but I want you to know that no matter what happens I love you. You're it for me, Buffy. I don't ever want you to think I don't want you ever again. Promise me you won't forget that."



"O-okay, I promise," I say. The way he's looking at me - it makes me feel like I'm floating in air. His eyes are just eating me up and I'm starting to think that maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel; maybe it's possible he can love me as much as I love him. The biggest smile breaks out on my face as the thought occurs to me that this might be how I wake up every day for the rest of my life. If I'm brave enough. If I put this first. If I prize my love and my happiness over anyone else's.



"I love you," I say on a breath of laughter. "God, Spike, I love you so much!" I throw myself on top of him, pressing happy kisses on his face and pushing him onto his back. He laughs and says he loves me too and I feel like I could take on the whole world ..



And then my answering machine kicks in and I hear the voice of the one person in the world that can take it all away from me. We freeze as we focus on the voice.



"Buffy, I'm downstairs, answer your goddamn buzzer!"




Chapter End Notes:
TBC



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