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Author's Chapter Notes:
Probably only another chapter then the epilogue to go. Hope you enjoy :)




"It'll be okay, luv, it'll be okay."



"Oh god, oh .. here, put your shirt on! Where's my .. what .. you ripped my dress?"



"I was in a bit of a hurry!"



"Well I'm in a bit of a hurry now, Spike! What the hell am I going to wear? She'll be at the door any second! Shit, shit, shit!"



"Such language."



"Not the time!"



"Okay, run into the bedroom and get something to wear because I'm pretty sure if you answer the door in your underwear she might think there's something funny going on."



My hands are shaking. My whole body might be shaking actually and I can't believe he's making jokes. I can feel sweat trickling down between my shoulder blades as I'm dragging the first dress I see out of my closet and over my head and then I'm pelting back into the living room to see Spike, now fully dressed and looking at me with silent support and love .. then I hear her voice on the other side of the door and I'm shaking and sweating and I don't think I can stop.



"Buffy! Open up!"



Oh shit, shit shit shit.



"Hey, look at me," he whispers as I'm on my way to the door. I turn back to him and he perches himself on the arm of the couch facing the door and fixes me in his gaze.



"I love you. Nothing will change that," he says steadily. I try to smile but I can't stop shaking.



"Jesus, Buffy! What are you doing in there!"



"I'm coming!" I yell in a shaky voice. I turn from Spike, drag in a deep breath and grasp the door handle.



Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.



"Finally! Do you have any idea what has happened to me --" she stops, halfway in the apartment looking at Spike perched on my couch in the middle of the floor. Dru is still holding the apartment door open and all I can think, inexplicably, is that I hope she shuts it before the real yelling starts. Wow, my priorities are fucked.



"What are you doing here? What is he doing here?" she demands, her face darting between both of us.



"We need to speak to you, Dru," Spike says quietly. I don't think what he said registers with her but I can't bring myself to raise my gaze from the floor. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.



"Don't fucking speak to me, you asshole! Buffy!" she says, turning to me but I'm still staring at the floor, my head down.



"Do you know what he's done? He dumped me on my ass this morning! He cancelled the wedding! He's been fucking someone else, did he tell you that? What the fuck is he doing here?"



"Dru --"



"I told you not to speak to me! You made your bed with your little whore, so if you've come round here to beg Buffy's help in getting me back, you're shit out of luck."



I hear him bark a laugh without humour. I'm still not moving. I'm breathing in panicked, small gasps.



"I don't want you back, Dru," he says sadly.



"Oh that's right, you've already got yourself a little slut to keep you company, don't you, honey?"



"Watch your mouth, Dru. And stop pretending you've been nothing but faithful to me, sweetness," he says, his voice full of a tired sort of disdain and that's what brings me screeching back into this moment. She was cheating on him? Dru was cheating on Spike? Why didn't she tell me? Why didn't he tell me? All that time of thinking they were the perfect couple. My head shoots up to look at him.



He's standing in front of the couch now a few feet away from Dru who's finally moved far enough inside the apartment for me to shut the door. I reach over to close the door on autopilot and lean back against it. Dru's in front of me gesturing widely and seems to have forgotten I'm even here but I can see Spike. His gaze is flickering between me and her as she raves and calls him names and apparently seeks to continue the fight they'd been having this morning. When he looks at me, I know he's hoping I'll stay with him in this and I know exactly what I have to do. I look him straight in the eyes and mouth I love you. His eyes warm and he stares right at me, right through me.



It takes me a minute to realise that Dru has stopped shouting. She's moved back so she can see us both and there's absolute silence as the three of us regard each other.



"What the fuck is going on?" she whispers. The part of my heart that still belongs to her, the part that's still 10-years-old, the part that doesn't remember the misery and jealousy and back-stabbing that's dominated our relationship for the majority of our lives, the part of me that hasn't been suffocated by her for so long; that part of my heart breaks that I'm doing this to her, that Spike's doing this to her, that any of this had to happen in the first place.



"What the fuck is going on, Buffy!" she yells, startling me out of my thoughts. I turn my sad, terrified eyes to hers and she knows. I know she knows. Her eyes widen in hurt and understanding. I can't look away as they fill with tears that I know she'll be too proud to spill. She'll blink them away before they have a chance to fall. I know her so well.



Her voice drops to a whisper that freezes my insides and I feel like this might be the end of the world.



"You fucking bitch," she hisses. I flinch.



"I'm s--"



"If you apologise to me, I will beat the shit out of you."



"Dru, we didn't --" Spike tries.



"Don't fucking speak to me, you bastard! You .. I can't .."



She's panting for breath and all my years of training as her best friend are telling me to help her, hurt whoever hurt her. I can't believe it's me doing this to her.



"You were fucking my best friend? My Buffy?" she screams at him, before turning to me. "You were fucking him behind my back?"



"It wasn't like that, Dru --" I start, finally finding my voice.



"Oh, it wasn't like that! Was it not, Buff? What was it like then, huh?"



My mouth is open but no sound is coming out.



"Yeah, that's what I thought," she says, her mouth twisting in disgust as she looks at me.



"I'm sor--" I try again but her thunderous glare cuts me off and I'm stumbling to explain myself and my actions.



"It was just the one night, Dru, just once and I --"



"So why's he here now then?" she says, almost vibrating with manic energy.



"H-he .. w-we .."



"Just say it, Buffy!"



"I .. I love him," my voice cracking as I try to get it out. Her eyes bore into mine as I can see the fury bubbling behind her eyes. And then she's yelling at me.



I'm begging her with my eyes to understand but of course she doesn't and why the hell should she anyway? I'm the shithead here, I'm the shithead. Oh fuck, I'm really doing this to her, this is really happening.



".. always so fucking jealous of me, you cow! Do you think I haven't seen the way you've always looked at him, huh? I'm not stupid, Buffy! You've been chasing after him for years now, following him around like a puppy! You probably pulled your little sad girl act, got him drunk then fucked him, right?"



"No! I wasn't chasing him, Dru, I promise, I didn't --"



"She hasn't chased me, Dru. If anything, I chased her," Spike says plainly. I'm dumbfounded at how he can be so cool about this. How he can be so unafraid. I look at him and see that he actually looks livid. He looks livid as he's staring at Dru. I can feel myself regressing to a 10-year-old right this second, desperately trying to defend myself but Spike's face is getting harder and harder.



"Bullshit, Spike! She's always gone after what I have, always!"



"That's not true, Dru, please!" I can feel tears coursing down my cheeks now. She looks at me like she's won a little, the twinkle is in her eye and I'm just retreating into myself in misery.



"You always had to want what I had, Buffy, always. And then you'd turn your little accusing eyes on me when I got it like I'd done you out of something. Well you're the one that never went after what you wanted, Buffy! You're the one that just let everything pass you by! I didn't! I fought for what I wanted! I fought to get the things I wanted in my life and it's not my fault YOU DIDN'T!"



"ENOUGH!" Spike screams but I can't see him any more. My eyes are blinded by tears. I'm leaning against the door and all I can think is that she's right. I did this. I let it all sail past me. I blamed Dru and Xander blamed Dru but it was me all along. It was me, I did this. Suddenly, Spike's in front of me pushing my hair out of my face to look at me. Dru's yelling again but I can't hear her as I'm crying. Spike's hand trails down my cheek, his thumb rubbing the tears away. Then his face hardens again and he turns away toward Dru. His voice cuts through the fog.



"Why don't you explain about how you insinuated yourself between us in college, Dru, huh? Why don't you tell us all about that?"



"I have no idea what you're talking about."



"Bollocks! You just said you've always known Buffy wanted me. Well, if you're such a great fucking person, why did you throw yourself at me the first chance you got, huh? Why did you lie that night at the bar in LA and say Buffy was setting me up with you? Why did you do that when you knew that she wanted me?"



"I never threw myself at you, you ego-manic!" she laughs bitterly but I can see her face crack a little like she might be afraid. I feel numb. I feel like I'm not really here, this isn't really happening and I think that's what gives me the strength to speak.



"You did, Dru," I say in a small pleading voice. Her head snaps to me, while Spike stands by my side. "You knew how I felt about him. Back then I thought you didn't but you did. You knew I loved him, I know you did .. and you still went after him. Why did you do that? Don't you know how it felt? Don't you understand --"



"Oh this is unbelievable!" she cries, throwing her hands up in the air, addressing no-one in particular. "I come here today to tell my best friend, the person I'm supposed to be able to trust and rely on, that my fiance has dumped me for another woman and not only is she the other woman, she then tries to make out that I'm the bad guy?"



"You're not the bad guy, Dru. There are no bad guys," Spike says tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose.



"Bullshit there aren't!" she cries in disbelief.



"We can't help how we feel about each other, Dru," he says with a note of steel in his voice.



Her eyes narrow and she drops her arms, her breath coming out in pants I can see she's trying to control.



"Oh?" she asks, her voice calming, turning chilly, her eyes flickering between us. "And how is that?"



"We're in love, Dru," I reply, my voice sad but surprisingly firm.



"No," she says, her voice emphatic and hard but her eyes are darting between us with something like panic dancing in them.



"We are. We're in love. And we always have been," Spike cuts in, looking her straight in the eyes. "And you knew it, Dru. You knew it back then and you knew it when you followed me to New York, dragging Buffy behind you and you knew it that night you begged me to marry you --"



"Shut your mouth!"



"-- and you've known it every second we were together! So why were you even with me in the first place, huh? You knew how I felt about her! I could see it in your eyes. You knew I loved her --"



"Shut up, Spike!"



"-- so why the hell were you with me? Why go after me? Why settle for me when you knew I was settling for you? Why ask me to marry you?"



"Well, why did you accept if you were so desperately in love with my best friend?"



"Because I was empty, that's why!" he shouts back. "Something you'd made sure of! Playing on our weaknesses for years --"



"That's not true!"



"So why did you want to marry me when you knew how I felt?"



"Because I loved you!" she cries, looking desperate. Spike looks furious and full of purpose. I can't stop shaking and my eyes are raw from crying. My heart is jack-hammering in my chest and all I can see is Dru's eyes darting from his face to mine, looking panicked and anxious like she's a cornered animal. My mind is going a mile a minute.



"No, you didn't, Dru. No, you didn't," he barks with a bitter laugh. "You've slept with Michael in your office more than you've slept with me for the past four years and Buffy's your only real emotional tie. We've never even exchanged I love you's. Not once. You don't ask anything from me and you don't need anything from me. You knew I knew you were cheating and you knew I didn't give a fuck. We were nothing to each other, so why were you doing it? Keeping me and Buffy apart? You knew we loved each other! God, you're the only one that knew both sides of it because we sure as hell didn't. You knew we were weak with misery thinking we'd never get each other and you deliberately stayed between us, didn't you?"



"NO!"



"No? So what's your explanation, Dru? Why not tell us? You could have helped us but instead you went for the kill! Why not just let us have each other if you didn't really want me --"



"Because I wanted to keep her!" she screams and the world stops. Spike falls silent. Dru's shaking violently as she looks at me with wide, shocked, staring eyes and I'm in a daze from everything he's said and everything I think I might finally be figuring out. Dru sways on her feet as she looks at me and as our eyes lock together, I can actually see her break. And then she bursts into sobs, something I have never seen her do. And before I know what's happening, I'm slowly walking towards her. I grab at her forearms and she clutches at mine. She slides to the floor dragging me with her. She's crying and I never thought she would. She starts rambling in broken sentences, disjointed thoughts flying from her mouth, broken only by her sobs and shuddering breaths and everything she says hits me like a sledgehammer.



"I wanted to keep you! I knew you'd leave me if you got him, I knew you'd be happy and if you were happy you wouldn't need me and I needed you, Buffy, I've always needed you! I knew when you talked about him that he filled your spaces and I couldn't stand it because you fill my spaces, you're the only one who can! I needed you to always fill my spaces but I didn't fill yours, I just made more for you. I didn't mean to, Buffy, but I did and I couldn't stand it! I couldn't let you have him because I'd lose you forever, so I had to take him. Oh god, I had to take him before you could get him, before he could get you, I had to keep you with me forever because I couldn't stand the thought that you'd be with him and not me, oh god .."



I get it now. I really get it. Xander was right all along. I've been living a half-life for so long that I didn't even know what real was. And it was because Dru was making spaces in my life. And all the while, she filled her spaces with me and what I needed, what I wanted .. to keep me from it. To keep me with her. And she'd done it to Spike too. And we'd both let her. I'd let her. I'd let her because I was afraid, because I was so afraid I'd always be that mousy little girl lying on her bed crying her eyes out; the girl who was only popular because of Dru, the girl who only had a life because of Dru. I'd let myself believe - I'd let Dru convince me - that the only way to keep it from happening was to cling to her and let her cling to me, to let her push and pull me however she wanted.



I feel a dreadful weariness settle in my heart as I listen to her ramble and cry and hold on to me. Suddenly I can't stand her grip on me. I try to pull away but she just holds on tighter. Then Spike is behind me helping me stand and prying Dru's hands from my arms, where her nails were digging into my skin. When I'm standing before her with Spike at my side, Dru stops talking. She looks at me like she's drowning; like I can save her if I just reach out to hold her. But I can't, I just can't. I just need her to get off me; I just need her to let me go.



"I'm so sorry, Dru," I say softly, calmly and I have no idea where this serenity has come from but it's simply oozing through me, out of me, as I look at her.



"I think you should go," I say.





----------------------------------------------------------





I'm shaking as she leaves in a daze.



I'm shaking when the door closes quietly behind her.



I'm still shaking ten minutes later, sitting on the floor with Spike wrapped around me. Only it doesn't feel like it did when Dru always did it. I don't feel suffocated. I feel like he's letting me breathe which is good because god, I need to breathe, I need to breathe for myself. He's mumbling my name and stroking my hair and I think he must really love me to let me snot all over his shirt like this. That makes me giggle and then I can't stop. Spike just lets me, though he must think I'm insane.



I'm trying to imagine what my mother would say if she was here; if she knew how much time I've wasted of my life being afraid and sad and pathetic and weak. I'd like to think she'd understand; that she would stroke my hair like Spike is doing right now and tell me she loves me and it's okay but that I have to grab it now with both hands, I have to stop hiding, I have to break away from all that doubt and misery and .. Dru. I have to grow up.



I pull back slightly so I can turn my blotchy, puffy, red face to Spike. He's looking at me, his face etched with worry and love. I lift my hand to run my fingers over his cheek and he smiles softly at me.



I take a deep breath and slowly let it out, my eyes closed, my hand now curled around Spike's neck and I gently run my fingers over his nape as I open my eyes.



"Ask me again," I say, my voice quiet and husky. He frowns at me for a second before it dawns on him and then a cautious smile is making its way across his face. He asks me in a smooth, hushed voice the question I should have seen for what it was the first time instead of doubting what I was worth - to him and myself.



"How's about we go out for a drink to celebrate, Summers?"



His eyes are twinkling and he looks lighter, like I feel.



"What are we celebrating?" I ask him on a whoosh of relieved, excited breath, a smile dancing around the edge of my lips.



"Us," he says looking straight into my eyes, way down into me. He leans toward me, his lips softly stealing small, wet kisses from mine. His hands come around me, not crushing me, not pulling me into him, just letting me know he's with me and I'm with him and it feels ..



It feels like living.




Chapter End Notes:
TBC



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