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Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS. Never did.

Irritatingly bright sunlight escaped the confines of the closed curtains on the large windows of the dorm room. The brightness was enough to ruse Buffy from a very pleasant sleep. Groaning, she rolled over on her right side, throwing an arm over her face to shield her eyes in the process. Ever so slowly, she lifted her arm and peeked at the alarm clock. The annoying bright red ‘10:30’ seemed to mock her in it’s own little sadistic way as she groaned loudly and tugged the covers back over her head.

Maybe if she closed her eyes really tight, and pretended to not exist, her problems would just go away…

Images of last weeks events popped into her mind. The soft glow of candles illuminating this very same room as Spike hovered above her, making love to her. The feelings he invoked in her. The house in L.A. The wedding ring…

What are you going to do if she gets the house?

Then I’ll be moving to L.A.

I just don’t know what the hell to do, really. I’m losing you.

You’re not gonna lose me, Buffy. I love you. Nothin’s gonna change that.

If you ask me to stay, I will.

Spike, I love you. I would give up anything I have to be with you, to be yours. To have you be mine.

But I won’t ask you to stay.

Nope, her problems were still exercising their weekly visitation rights…

She suddenly looked up when she heard the door open. Willow poked her head in and smiled when she realized her best friend was finally awake.

“Hey.” The redhead said, entering the room with handful of text books. She had obviously just finished with her morning classes. “How are you feeling?”

“Not so good.” Buffy responded, sitting up with her back against the headboard. She looked up at her friend with big shiny hazel eyes.

“Still no word from Spike?” Willow asked with a slight frown, tossing her books on her bed and plopping down next to them.

“Nope. No words. We’re wordless really.” Buffy explained, a smile tugging at the corners of her soft lips, but never really reaching her eyes. It’s been a week. A entire week and not one word from him. She thought sadly. She glanced down, pulling at lose threads of cotton from her blanket. It was good to know that she always still had Willow. Old-reliable-geyser-person as the redhead had once referred to herself as back when they were in high school. The two were inseparable back then and even in college many classmates that didn’t know any better thought they were sisters. Willow was the only one who knew about she and Spike. She was probably the only one who would understand anyway.

“Aww, poor Buffy’s heart.” She sympathized, smiling and hoping it would be contagious.

It wasn’t.

“I just don’t know what to do, Wills. He says he loves and I believe him. Yet he still won’t leave her. It’s like-like I’m his back-up. If everything doesn’t work out with Dru, he’ll always have me on the back burner. Waiting. ‘Cause that’s all I’m good for. Sure the sex is mind-blowing, but we could never work out in the real world, right? ‘Cause I’m not the kind of girl you bring home to meet the fam’, I’m the kind of girl you hide with in a cheap motel and who’s okay with being the dirty little secret. God, I’m such a slut!” She exclaimed, very close to tears. She wiped frantically at her eyes with the back of her hand.

Willow frowned again, hurting at seeing her best friend and seudo-sister in pain. It just wasn’t fair. Who did Spike think he was? Stringing this poor girl along, while he kanoodled with his wife? The fiery redhead had only met the platinum blonde man once, and that was by accident, (she had walked in on he and Buffy during one of their wild-monkey-lovin’ sessions,) but he had seemed like a genuine decent guy, who was completely in love with her best friend. How did everything get so messed up?

She moved to the other bed to sit next to the teary-eyed blonde and took her hand gently in her own. “Buffy, you are not a slut.”

The blonde was silent as she waited for her friend to continue.

Willow took her time in explaining what she wanted to say. “Sure, you’ve made some judgment calls in the last couple of months that have been, well, less-than-great, but we all make mistakes. And it’s not the end of the world.”

“Willow, how can you say that, and be all calm-girl, with your calmly-ness?” Buffy cried, eyes bulging, and hands flying every which way in an attempt to make her point. “I’m having an affair.” She paused. “With a married man!”

“Okay, so not the smartest thing you’ve done, but-” Whatever Willow had been about to say was abruptly cut off but a hysterical Buffy.

“Not the smartest thing I’ve done?” Buffy asked, incredulously. “I’m playing second fiddle to a woman who has no idea that her husband isn’t the wonderful, faithful person she’d made him out to be. And that’s what I’ll always be.” She elucidated, not even aware that she had begun one of her infamous babble-fests.

Willow listened with a well-trained ear that was used to her best friend’s tendency to rabble. The blonde continued to talk.

“Unless of course he gets tired of me one day, and decides that I’m not fiddle material anymore. Unless he never saw me as a fiddle to begin with…Oh God, what if I’m not even a fiddle?!!” She bellowed, a surprised look on her face that suggested that her fast-working brain had stumbled on to something new.

“Calm down, Buffy.” Willow coaxed, squeezing her hands again in a comforting gesture. She waited a few moments for her friend to calm her body down. “You know that you mean more to him than that.”

“He loves me.” Buffy responded softly, as if realizing it for the first time.

“He does.” Willow confirmed calmly, nodding in affirmation.

Buffy looked up at her slowly, locking eyes with her best friend.

“I love him.” She stated quietly, with much conviction.

“I know.” Willow responded, bobbing her head up and down once again in understanding.

Silence penetrated the air, making it thick with unanswered questions.

“I think he went to L.A. with her.” Buffy said, not daring to meet Willow’s eyes. She was close to balling her eyes out as it was.

“Dru?”

Buffy nodded.

“Maybe.” Willow said, waiting for the Buffy-shaped explosion. Only it never came. Instead the blonde was silent, just staring intently at the ruffed bedspread passing through her fingertips. “Maybe not. Do you really think he could just up and leave you like that?” She speculated, watching the girl beside her.

When it became clear that she wasn’t going to respond to the redhead’s inquiry, Willow continued.

“You said it yourself, Buffy. The man loves you.”

And just like that, all was silent again. Neither girl knew what to say to break the newly sprung tension, so they just remained silent. Moments passed before Buffy was the first to break the silence.

“Am I being punished, Wills?” She asked through tears.

“What?” Willow asked in surprise, brows furling in confusion. She wasn’t expecting that.

“For everything I did.” Buffy explained softly, finally looking up into her best friend’s eyes again. “I had sex with a married man. I knowingly hurt some poor innocent wife and didn’t even care about the consequences. I just founded my heart, jumped in bed with a man who wasn’t even on the market and never looked back. And the worst thing about it was that I didn’t care. Do you even think for one second that I stopped to think about what that unlucky woman was feeling?”

Tears streamed down the slope of her cheeks in a flood of straggled emotions. She didn’t wipe them.

No, they were long over due.

She raised her voice as she bellowed the next few sentences.

“No! I never did, because I didn’t give a shit about her. She was just the unfortunate wife who stood in the way. I was the other woman. It’s how the game is played. God, look at me, I’m…I’m a heartless, soulless monster.” She finished, energy drained entirely from her tiny frame. She was a complete mess. Damn Spike for doing this to me! She mentally shouted and wished he could hear.

“Buffy, how long have we been friends?” Willow asked calmly. Buffy didn’t answer the rhetorical question, and waited for the redhead to continue. “For about four years now, right? And in all that time, I’ve come to know the real you. The Buffy you keep hidden beneath the tough exterior that you display for the outside world to see. I’ve seen your heart, Buff. And you know what?” She paused for dramatic affect.

“You’re a good person, Buffy and this is not your fault. You’ve made mistakes, sure, but that doesn’t make you a monster. It makes you human.”

Buffy stared at her best friend for a few seconds before responding softly.

“What if he doesn’t choose me?” She questioned, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Willow didn’t hesitate to respond. “Then he’s a total moron and you’re better off without him.”

Buffy’s lips cracked into a smile and Willow watched happily as she burst out into laughter. The laughter was contagious and soon Willow joined the blonde in her fit of giggles.

A few minutes later the laughter died down and Buffy’s face became serious once more. “I love you, Wills. You know that, right?”

Willow smiled affectionately and answered her. “I know, and I love you too.”

They hugged.

“Now get your little ass out of bed, you’ve got a date with Ben & Jerry, girl.” Willow smiled jokingly. She stood up to go to the closet.

“Oh, thank God there are still some decent ones out there.” Buffy chuckled, problems forgotten for the moment.

TBC...Please Review!





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