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Chapter Ten



Buffy’s anger carried her to within a few blocks of the slayer residence. When she felt the anger being replaced by a less-familiar sense of loss, she changed direction and entered the small old cemetery attached to a long-shuttered church. The old church and its abandoned graveyard were too close to the slayer house for any vampires to have tried to live there, and Buffy was perfectly comfortable that no one was going to find her slumped on a stone bench and sniffling quietly.



She allowed her sorrow and emotion to flow over and out of her. One of the things she’d learned over the years (with some help from a Coven-based counselor) was not to bottle things up — not unless it was temporarily necessary for world-saving purposes. Under other circumstances, if there were good reasons for the emotion, she’d learned to express it, accept it, and move on. If finding out the man you love is alive and doesn’t love you enough to be with you isn’t a good reason to cry, I don’t know what is.



She let herself cry out her disappointment until the quiet sobs tapered off of their own accord. She took a couple of deep, shuddering breaths to bring herself out of her fog of misery, only to feel the tingles that told her there was a vampire around. They were faint, so he obviously wasn’t close, but she sighed and got to her feet.



“So much for Buffy wallowing time. At least I can kill this one,” she muttered as she checked for the stake she’d never taken out of its resting place while fighting Spike.



She walked in the general direction of the tingles, her steps slowing as she got closer and the tingles got stronger. Instead of the snarling she was expecting to hear, the sound of sobbing drifted to her.



“Hey! It was my turn to cry,” Buffy said, loud enough for any vamp nearby to hear her. “What the hell is your problem? Other than you’re about to get stake—Amy?”



Buffy walked around corner of a small monument to find the vampire they’d rescued the night before huddled in a miserable ball and hugging the grave marker. She looked up with a tear-streaked face and flinched when she recognized Buffy.



“I wasn’t hurting anybody,” she said quickly. “I just wanted to... to be with my family.” She gestured at the still-new graves surrounding the marker.



Buffy exhaled a sigh and sat down beside her. “You shouldn’t be out here by yourself. Don’t you like it where Spike lives?”



Amy shrugged. “They’re nice enough, I guess, but they aren’t my family. She isn’t my mom.” Amy stroked the ground in front of her, not looking up as she asked in a small voice, “If you staked me now, what would happen?”



“You’d turn to dust.”



“Just like that? Clothes and all?”



“Clothes and all,” Buffy confirmed. “But I’m not going to do that. I told Spike I wouldn’t slay you as long as you weren’t feeding.”



Ignoring that, Amy continued, “Then, I’d just be dust right here, right? Part of the dirt with my mom and dad and little brother?” She chewed her lip for a second. “Would it hurt?”



“I have no idea,” Buffy said. “I got stabbed with my own stake once and it hurt like hell – but I’m not a vamp and I didn’t go poof. I had to walk all the way home with a bleeding hole in my side. I think whatever happens to vampires happens too fast for it to hurt much.”



“Then I want you to do it,” Amy said, sitting up straight and sticking her little breasts out. “I want to be buried with my family.”



“Amy....” Buffy shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m arguing with a vampire that I don’t want to stake her. That’s a first.... Well, maybe not a first. There was that time Spike was—but I wouldn’t stake him either. I’m not a... a... an executioner. I don’t have any reason to slay you.”



Amy went into game face. “How about now? I could try to kill you.”



“And I’d kick your ass for it. Don’t be stupid.” She sighed as she watched Amy’s face fade back to a miserable girl’s. She looked so much younger than the baby slayers, even though some of them were probably not much older. “Look, I know you’re hurting now. Your family’s dead – I know how that feels, I lost my mom – and you have to learn how to live on your own in a way you never could have imagined... but it will get better. I promise. Living is hard. Even when you’re technically dead, it can be hard. But someday—”



Without warning, Amy leaped at her, teeth bared. They tumbled to the grass, the new vampire not even close to strong enough to give Buffy a problem. She held Amy off with one hand and got to her feet, pulling the snarling vampire with her. As soon as she was standing, Buffy took the girl’s shoulders in both hands and began to shake her.



“I’m NOT going to kill you, so just behave yourself. Do you hear me?”



When she stopped shaking Amy, who was once again crying, Buffy let her drop to the ground. She glared down at her until the girl stopped crying and glared back at her.



“What kind of a slayer are you?” she growled, looking very much like a typical sullen fourteen-year-old. “You suck at it.”



“If I, or any of the other slayers, catch you killing people, you’ll find out what kind I am,” Buffy said with a sigh. “But I’m not going to do it just because you’re feeling sorry for yourself.”



“But I just attacked you!” she protested. “I did try to kill somebody.”



“You attacked me. You weren’t going to kill me and we both knew it. It doesn’t count.” Buffy began to pace around, trying to avoid stepping on the graves belonging to Amy’s family. “Look, I know your life sucks right now. Your family’s dead... hell, you’re dead. You were raped and tortured by a very bad man – who’s probably regretting it about now if I know Faith – and now you have to learn to live as a harmless vamp. But you’re still here. You still have a life – or a death – to live. Give it a chance, huh?”



“I’m hungry,” Amy said with a gleam in her eye that hadn’t been there before. She stared at Buffy’s neck. “Really hungry.”



“Then get your arse back to the house and eat the dinner Mrs. Gar’luk fixed for you.”



Neither of them had noticed Spike’s arrival and Buffy and Amy both whipped their heads around to stare at him.



Ignoring Buffy, he yanked Amy to her feet and shook her with one hand. “You do what the Slayer tells you, or I’ll dust you myself,” he snarled. “Are we clear?”



Pulling her arm away, she did her best not to seem terrified of the older vampire still growling at her. “What is it with you two and shaking people?” she huffed, edging away. When Spike moved toward her, she scampered back. “I’m going! I’m going.”



She began to walk quickly back in the direction they’d all come from, while Spike and Buffy stood, identical cold stares watching her progress.



“I’m goin’ to follow her for a bit. Make sure she’s going where she should be.” He slid his gaze to the side, saying with studied nonchalance, “Do you want—would you be willing to come along?”



Buffy gaped at him, unable to come up with anything more coherent than, “Huh?”



Avoiding her disbelieving gaze, he mumbled, “Want to apologize for being such a git. Thought maybe I’d do it over something to eat or drink... if you’re not too—”



“We just tried to pummel each other to death, and now you want to go out for a drink? In spite of her disbelief and anger, she found herself walking beside him as he trailed Amy down the street. “One, or possibly both, of us has to be certifiable.”



A snort was Spike’s only response.



“I think she knows we’re here,” Buffy whispered after a while.



“Don’t care. She needs to know she’s being watched. Her demon isn’t very strong – I’m guessing most vamps with really strong demons wouldn’t have gone along with that ugly wanker’s scheme. Be too proud to play pimp for a human, even if he was promising slayer blood. She was probably turned by somebody that barely got the job done.” He picked up his pace as she began to move faster. “But we’re gonna keep an eye on her, just in case.”



Amy broke into a jog as she neared the house Spike was living in. When she’d reached the front door, she opened it, then turned around to scream at Spike and Buffy. “I’m here, okay? Leave me alone!” Slamming the door behind her, she disappeared into the house. Within a minute, a smiling green demon peered out and waved at Spike, making an “okay” sign with her fingers. Spike waved back and let out a sigh.



“Something like that makes me miss the Bit in ways I haven’t in years.”



“You miss her teen-aged temper tantrums?”



He shrugged. “It used to be entertaining. Didn’t have that much to amuse me when you were busy sittin’ up on a cloud chatting up big, bulky, manly souls.”



Buffy shook her head. “Only you could make Heaven sound like Beach Week.”



“You were having a better time than we were.”



Buffy didn’t reply. She’d long since quit mourning the loss of what she now referred to as “my preview of Heaven” and she was more understanding of the pain she’d left behind when she chose to save the world by leaving it.



“Where are we going?”



He stopped and sighed. “Don’t know,” he admitted. “Aside from knowing I have a lot of groveling to do, I hadn’t got much past telling myself I’m a stupid git who doesn’t deserve another chance to work this out.”



“So, you think there could be something to work out?”



“Always knew that, Buffy. I just didn’t—don’t see you willing to give. And I—”



“If you tell me one more time you’re not the vamp I knew, I swear, I’m going to—”



“Please don’t. My arms are still too tired to hit you back.”



She sighed. “Well, given that I’m not sure I can get mine much higher than my waist, I’d guess you’re pretty safe.”



“So, drink?”



“Drink,” she agreed.





It took only a few minutes to reach the small neighborhood bar Spike had in mind. He walked directly to a booth in the back, one that was close to the old-fashioned jukebox providing the background music. He raised an eyebrow at Buffy when the waitress, in spite of gasping at their battered faces and torn clothes, greeted him by name and asked for their order.



“Just bring me a Diet Coke... with rum in it. Lots of rum.”



Spike snorted and asked for his usual, causing Buffy to look back and forth between him and the smiling waitress. When their drinks came back, Spike received two glasses, one containing something very dark. She narrowed her eyes at it, but he just lifted his glass and waited for her to raise hers.



“To us.”



Buffy tapped her glass to his and drank, but muttered, “There’s an ‘us’?”



He sighed and drained his entire glassful of blood before he answered her.



“There’s always gonna be an us, Buffy. Think we both know that by now. The question is, can we be ‘us’ together, or do we need to do it apart so we don’t end up killin’ each other?”



“I thought we came here so you could apologize? Sounds to me like another round of you saying you don’t think we can do it.” She stared into her glass, moving it around in little circles. “If you don’t want me enough to try it, just say so, Spike. I’m a big girl. I won’t like it, but I’ll survive.”



He reached across the table and put his hand over hers, stilling it. “Want you more than you can ever imagine,” he said, taking both her hands and squeezing them until she raised her head and met his eyes. “Don’t ever doubt that. Staying away from you all these years was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Got used to it, yeah, but I never learned to be happy about it.” He stared at her as if willing her to believe him. “An’ every time I walked away from you these past weeks, felt like I was leaving a part of me behind. There’s a reason Hilda there knows what my ‘usual’ is. I’d leave you and come straight here to drink myself unconscious. Same as I did most nights while I was making myself stay half a world away. ”



He released her hands and picked up his other glass, taking a big swallow before leaning back with a sigh. “I’m hoping tonight won’t end that way. I think the bar might be running low on Jack.”



Buffy sipped her own drink, staring at the man she’d thought was out of her life forever. “I thought I was over you.” She dropped her gaze to the table again and spoke softly, as if musing to herself. “I mean, not ‘over you’ like some romantic, I’ve-moved-on kinda thing, but I grieved for you, you know? It hurt for a long time – that you’d come back and then died again before I had a chance to tell you I wasn’t lying. But, gone is gone, and I got better. I had to. I accepted you were gone and learned to live my life without you. Never exactly stopped missing you, but I—” She raised her head again. “I sure as hell never expected to see you again.”



“So, you’re saying....”



“I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m still trying to get used to the idea that you’ve been alive all this time and never tried to see me. I thought if we just... It was dumb, I guess. It didn’t work, and I don’t really want us to be those people again anyway.”



“Those people?”



Buffy waved her hand in the air. “You know what I mean. Needing to hurt each other before we— I don’t really want us to be like that, but I thought if I... if we....”



“Know what you were thinking, Buffy,” he said, his voice soft. “Didn’t get it when I needed to, but it only took me a few minutes after you walked away to suss out what you’d been doing.... and what a stupid wanker I was for not having realized it.” In the background, a new song began to play and Spike broke into a grin, then a rich laugh.



“What’s so funny?” Buffy gathered herself, preparing to be offended.



“Not laughing at you, love. Listen.”



She frowned. “I don’t get it – what has some old hippie—”



“Just give it a listen, love.”





Say you will, say you will, give me one more chance

At least give me time to change your mind

It always seems to heal the wounds

If I can get you to dance…





A reluctant smile twitched at the corners of her mouth.





“Remind you of anybody you know?” He nudged her foot with his boot, smiling when she broke into a reluctant laugh. They listened in companionable silence until the song ended, sipping their drinks and exchanging small smiles.





“If I didn’t know better, I’d think somebody was watching us back in the day.”





Spike snorted. “I doubt it meant quite the same thing to the bint who wrote it as it does to us. A bit eerie how it came to be on while we were sitting here, innit?”





Buffy narrowed her eyes at him. “Yeah, it is, now that you mention it....” She turned to stare at the waitress, smiling at them from behind the bar. “Or just sneaky.”





“No idea what you’re talking about,” he said, giving her his best innocent blink. “I’ve been sitting right here the whole time.”





Buffy kicked him under the table, then laughed and picked up her drink again. “Good thing for you I’m still tired from our last ‘dance’, or you’d be begging me to let you up off the floor.”





Spike’s eyes darkened. “Don’t think I’ve ever begged you to let me off the floor, love. Wouldn’t start now. You get me down, you’d best be prepared to be down there with me.”





Buffy flushed and quickly brought her glass to her lips, swallowing hard. When she finally looked up, Spike had leaned back, disappointment clearly visible. “But I guess that isn’t what you meant.”





“I don’t know what I meant,” she admitted with a sigh. “When I started that fight, I just thought you’d... and then we’d... and we could talk... after. But I guess that wasn’t such a good idea, huh?”





“It was brilliant, love. I’m just getting a little slow on the uptake in my old age, is all. Knew I wasn’t going to kill you, but I thought we were really fighting, not like—”





“Not like the ‘dance’ that’s top of your list,” she said, smiling at him. “I can’t believe you didn’t know I was just giving you a hard time when I said I didn’t know what you were talking about.”





“Me neither. Did I mention what a stupid git I am?”





“You did. But feel free to keep reminding me.”





“Don’t push your luck, Slayer.”





“No? What would you like me to push, then? Your buttons? I think I remember where they are.”





He laughed. “I think you remembered them better than I did. Can push whatever you like, love. I’d be happy to offer some suggestions....” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.





“Are we flirting?”





He tilted his head and studied her frowning face. “Do you want to be?”





Buffy sighed and shook her head, more in confusion than denial. “I just don’t want us to fight anymore. Can’t we behave like normal people?”





Spike stared at her until she dropped her eyes and shrugged. “Okay, like normal people with superpowers, short tempers and violent streaks.”





“Neither one of which knows how to stay dead. Come on, love. We’re not normal. Never have been, never will be.”





“So we’re doomed to keep trying to kill each other? Instead of....”





“Instead of what? Settling down in a cute little cottage with a white picket fence?” He snorted his disbelief.





“No....” Buffy drew her answer out. “No picket fence. I’m afraid you’d come home drunk some night and stake yourself on it. I was leaning more toward—”





He slammed his empty glass down, sending the startled waitress an apologetic smile before leaning forward to growl. Buffy leaned toward him and glared back. “You used to have a sense of humor.”





“I used to not care if you were jerking me around, long as you were talking to me.”





“I’m not jerking you around! You’re the one who started talking about cottages and fences and... stuff. I was just trying to be a little... flirty.”





“You were?” At her disgusted nod, he gestured for two more drinks and leaned back in his seat. “Flirty it is then. I can do that.”






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