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Author's Chapter Notes:
Finally some Spuffy loving! I hope you like it and please review! I love reviews they make me happy and let me know you're reading.
Thanks so much to my beta SanityFair for fixing my gramatical errors and helping me with visualization. You're the best! Any errors on this chapter are mine since I made some slight changes before I posted.
Chapter 12

“Xander Harris, it is 4:30 in the morning! You need to sit down and get some sleep; we can talk about this later, like when the sun comes up.”

Xander was running around the bedroom taking clothes out of his dresser and throwing them on the bed.

“Where did you put my duffel bag? Remember, I bought it for the gym, but you put it away before I could use it?”

“I put it away because you never started going to the gym, and I waited a month after you signed up before putting it in storage,” she told him trying to rein in her frustration.

“ We can’t just get up and go to Maine, Xander. That’s a long trip, and we need to plan for it.”

“If we leave by 5:30 and drive there only stopping to sleep, we could make it in two, three days tops!”

He was so excited to have figured out where Buffy was that he wasn’t making any sense.

Anya finally got tired of watching him run around grabbing this and that she took his hand and said,

“Why is it so important that you see her right away? Why can’t it wait? You’ve gone almost three months without seeing her. What’s another week or so?”

“Week! Anya, are you crazy?” He looked at her, his dark brown eyes wide with astonishment. “We can’t wait a week. We need to go now, and see what’s wrong.”

“William’s there. He knows what’s wrong, Buffy’s a big girl, and she can take care of herself.” Anya made a huffing noise, trying to hold on to her temper.

“You don’t understand,” he said, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“That’s right Xander. I don’t understand! Why this girl is so important to you. Why you drop everything and go running every time she gets herself into trouble.”

“Anya.” Xander tried to take her into his arms, but she slipped from his grasp.

“No! Xander, I’m sick of it. I’m tired of always coming in second. When we first started dating, all I heard from you was Buffy this and Buffy that and Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! I thought it would go away after a while, but it never did. What does she have that I don’t? She doesn’t love you. You don’t even register on her map.” She was screaming now, letting go of the years of pent up anger toward his obsession with Buffy.

Xander looked at her, slightly hurt by her comment but also shocked at her outburst. In all the time they’d been together he never realized she’d been jealous.

“Ahn,” he said sitting down on the bed and pulling her down to sit next to him. “Buffy doesn’t have anything on you.”

“You’re in love with her,” she said softly, her head down, to keep him from seeing the tears that were threatening to spill.

“What?! What makes you think that?” he asked, completely surprised by her remark.

“William. He told me once that you were in love with her, and she could never do any wrong in your eyes.”

He’d have to have a talk with Will the next time he saw him. Xander thought to himself.

“In high school, yes, I did have a crush on her, but that went away as soon as I realized she only saw me as a brother, and then after, I met you. That was it. You’re the only one for me," he explained.

“Really?” she asked

“Yes, really, Anya, I love you. I love Buffy too. I love her like a sister, and I want to protect her from getting hurt. I can’t shake the feeling that she’s hurt, and I need to see for myself that she’s okay. I can’t just take William’s word for it.”

Maybe he was right, and it was just a protective older brother thing he had for Buffy. She felt the same way about William. She really hated that Buffy was messing so badly with him, and she wanted to keep him from getting hurt. Maybe, she could do that better if she was closer to him.

“I think I know what you mean. Maybe we can go today. Let’s just slow down a little. How about we have some breakfast and plan out a trip?”

“Really?” he asked
.
“Sure, we’ve never been away together. This could be a romantic little vacation for us.”

Xander hugged his girlfriend and kissed her heatedly.

“You are a wonderful woman. I love you.”

She smiled at him and got off the bed pulling him up with her.

“Yes, I am. Now, let’s go see what we can make for breakfast.”

He followed her to the kitchen, smiling the whole way there.

**********************************************************

Buffy looked at herself in the mirror and hated what she saw. She had dark circles under her eyes. Her cheeks were sallow and her hair; the worst of it was her hair. It was so thin, and she could see bald spots here and there. She ran her hands through it only to come up with strands in her hands. She felt hopeless. Looking down at the sink she saw an electric razor that must belong to William. He must have set it up sometime yesterday. Must be for his head, she thought thinking of his short brown fuzzy hair. She looked at her reflection in the mirror again then back at the razor. Letting out a breath, she opened a drawer and looked at the two scarves she had bought a few weeks back specifically for when this day came.

“Okay,” she said to herself. “Here goes. Once you do this, you will officially be a cancer patient.”

Shutting the scarf drawer and opening the one above it, she picked up the pink scissors sitting amongst her unused hair products, then put them down again. Buffy looked herself in the mirror, “Be brave,” she told her reflection. Not stopping to rethink her decision, she picked up the scissors and with them in hand began cutting long strands of hair. Not stopping to think about what she was doing, her face was one of concentration, furrowed brows and pursed lips.

Once she was done with the scissors she took William’s razor, turned it on and began running it over her head. Her tears began running down her face as she watched the few pieces of blonde hair she had left fall to the ground. By the time she was done she was full out sobbing. She looked at the finished result in the mirror and laughed. All she had left on her head was brown fuzz, much like William’s hair looked.

William heard her crying and laughing and sounding a bit maniacal and became worried. He swiftly strode out of his room, forgetting to put on his shirt in his haste and came to a dead stop when his eyes fell on the image before him, her looking at her reflection in the mirror and running her hands over her now bald head. Her hair was gone. He made his way into the bathroom and stood behind her. Seeing the similarities between them made her start crying all the more, and he took her by the arms, turned her to face him, and pulled her into his embrace.

“Sh, s’okay,” he soothed. “Looks better this way.” He rubbed her back in circles to make her feel better like he had when she’d been sick.

Buffy gave in to his embrace and wrapped her arms around him. Placing her head on his chest. She realized he didn’t have a shirt on and pulled back. At his questioning look she said,

“Thank you, I’m okay. It was just a bit of a shock.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it was a spur of the moment thing, and I should have prepared myself. It was stupid. Do you really think I look better?” she asked, looking hopeful.

He smiled at her sudden interest in her looks.

“Of course. Healthier, even,” he said, wiping away the tears on her face.

Seeing the open drawer with scarves in it he grabbed one and said, “Here, turn around.”

She did as she was told and watched him in the mirror as he wrapped a pink and purple scarf around her head tying it tightly around the back.

“There, now you’re both beautiful and fashionable,” He told her.

She faced him and smiled. “Thanks.”

For a minute she stood staring at his chest. He must still work out, and she was really enjoying the results of his hard work.

“Enjoying the view?” he asked her.

“What? No!" She answered, her face turning red. “You’re a pig, William.”

“Oink, Oink, baby,” he answered, a smirk on his face.
Buffy smiled, remembering the many times he’d answered her accusation the same way.

“I’m going to go get dressed. You go ahead and use the bathroom.”

“You sure?” he asked.

“Yeah, there’s only so much of my reflection I can take,” she said, walking out of the room.

“Buffy?”

“Huh?” she asked stopping to look at him.

“Was thinking maybe we’d go out an’ do something today. Relax a little. You had a rough time of it yesterday.”

“I can’t today. I have an appointment with a counselor at the hospital,” she said, a little disappointed to decline his offer.

“You have to go back to Rockport again? We were just there,” he said, running a hand through his hair, the worry in his voice was almost palpable.

“I know. I wanted to make both the chemo and counseling appointment on the same day, but the counselor wasn’t available until today,” Buffy heard the tone in his voice and found herself putting her hand on his forearm awkwardly.

“Oh, I see. Do you need a ride?” he asked, looking down at the touch, but she quickly pulled her hand away as though she’d been shocked.

“No. I can drive myself. This won’t be as hard as yesterday. Not, physically anyway,” she said with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“I know.” He told her. “I just meant for emotional support.”

“I’m good, William. I can do this. I’ll be fine. Now, please shower—you kinda smell.”

“What!” he said, lifting his arm and smelling under it.

She just laughed. “I’m kidding. You’re such a dumbass.”

“Takes one to know one luv,” he joked.

She left the bathroom laughing, a sound that made him happy. That’s it mate. Keep up her spirits. Give her some hope. He thought and found himself smiling too.

Buffy walked into her room and saw that the time on the clock read ten a. m. How had she let herself sleep in so late? She grabbed some jeans, a t-shirt, and boots then quickly got dressed and ran downstairs into the kitchen to grab a quick bite. As she was eating her yogurt, she wondered if she should leave William a note. He wasn’t out of the bathroom yet, but it’s not like he didn’t know where she was going. She finally grabbed a piece of scrap paper and a pen from one of the drawers and wrote:

Will,
Went to my appointment. Won’t be back until about dinner time. Make yourself at home.
Buffy

She remembered that she was supposed to tell him to leave today, but that would have to wait until later. Right now, she had an appointment to get to. She grabbed her car keys and walked out the front door.

Spike walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later. He was only wearing a towel, so he rushed over to his bedroom not wanting to bump into Buffy again. Although he would have loved to see her face turn red at the sight of him. He didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable in her own home. Once in, he hurriedly dressed hoping to see her before she left. He ran down the stairs and not seeing her in the living room walked into the kitchen. No sign of her here, she must have left. He thought, feeling a bit disappointed. Guess I’ll make myself some breakfast. Hope she ate something before she left. He walked over to the refrigerator and saw her note and regained his confidence in winning her back. If she’d thought enough to leave him a note, it meant he must have been making some progress in breaking down her walls. Suddenly, he didn’t feel very hungry and decided to go watch some telly instead. He walked over to the living room, plopped himself on the couch and grabbed the remote but suddenly had a very pleasant thought. It had felt good to have her hug him like she had in the bathroom earlier and thoughts of how good she felt against his bare chest brought about more thoughts of their past intimacies. He remembered that night they’d spent at the beach on their one year anniversary, one of the best nights of their relationship as he recalled.

He’d booked them a hotel by the beach and taken her to the beach in the evening. He set up a bonfire and blanket for them along with a nice dinner basket with a bottle of champagne.
She looked so beautiful wearing a short cream colored dress. The dress showed a lot of skin, and he loved it. Her tan arms and legs were bare, and he made sure to take it all in as he looked at her from head to toe.

“Stop,” she said. “You’re making me feel self-conscious.”

He couldn’t help himself. She’d left her hair loose and wavy, and the combination of her dress, her long blond locks blowing in the breeze, and the way her skin seemed to reflect the moonlight was making him hard. A year later, he still couldn’t understand how this woman had come into his life and stayed. He wasn’t much of anything, a construction worker with no education and no family to speak of. His father was an arse, who he hadn’t heard from since his marriage to the 25-year-old bint he’d picked up at a strip joint. How Buffy managed to see past all of that and still want to be with him, live with him no less, was a constant wonder to him. He was in complete awe of her and so full of emotion that he had to let her know what she meant to him,

“I love you Buffy,” he said.

“Spike,” she’d said unable to return his words.

He placed his hand on her cheek and tilted his head to the side,

“You changed my life. I can’t imagine it without you. Buffy you are my heart.”

She kissed him, and he knew it was because she had trouble saying the words but it was okay with him, he knew she loved him, even if she was too guarded to tell him. Their kiss became more intense, deeper, and more meaningful. He put his hands everywhere on her wanting to feel the softness of her body, her warmth on him. She allowed him to lay her back on the blanket and place small kisses on her face and her neck.

“Love you Buffy,” he whispered, “So much. Love all of you—you’re so kind, so strong.”

A moan escaped her, and he became even more aroused. He felt her begin to rub her crotch against his, enjoying the friction it caused. He let out a moan. He was enjoying it too. She began unbuttoning his jeans as he began removing her dress. He leaned away from her and took in her beauty, lying on the blanket, hair spread out; taking deep breaths, he pushed her bra aside and took one of her breasts into his mouth.

“Spike,” she moaned putting her hands in his hair and involuntarily arching her body toward him.

He let his other hand caress her thigh, coming close to her center but not touching just feeling her soft skin.

“Please,” she begged, “more.”

“Not yet, kitten, want to savor you, worship you the way you deserve.”

His words elicited another moan from her,and he felt her little hand grab him and begin stroking. He gently removed her hand and ignored her whimper.

“Want to make you come for me first,” he whispered in her ear.

As he said the words he plunged two fingers into her dripping core, pushing them into the spot he knew would send her over the edge. Her breathing became hitched, and she tried to speak to him, but all that came were incoherent sounds.

“Shh, kitten you let Spike worry about the words, just enjoy this.”

She nodded her head and forced herself to lie back. He took the opportunity to slowly kiss his way down her stomach and her thighs, gently removing his fingers from inside her and replacing them with his tongue.

“Oh God!” she yelled.

He felt her breathing coming faster and faster, knowing that she was close, he placed his fingers back inside her heat and twisted, knowing that this would send her over the edge.

“Spiiiiike.”

Her entire body arched, and he knew from the look on her face that she was seeing stars. Slowly, she came back down her breathing slower but labored. She looked at him still between her legs and pulled him up to her by his hair.

“That was incredible,” she told him and kissed him, tasting her own juices from his mouth.

“You’re incredible.” He twirled a strand of her hair in his hand then buried his face in her neck.

“Hold me. I want to feel you close.” She asked him.

He lay down on the blanket next to her and allowed her to place her head on his arm.

“Listen to the waves, and look at the stars. This night is perfect Spike. Thank you.” She squeezed his waist and lovingly kissed his chest.

“Thank you for loving me Buffy,” he responded as tears slid from his eyes. He hoped she couldn’t hear them in his voice.

Spike reluctantly came back to reality, not wanting to let go of the feelings he had felt that night. That’s when he had truly known there would no one for him but her. Now he just sat there on his couch feeling incredibly frustrated with himself for the way he had made things turn out for them.

“Can’t just sit here feeling sorry for myself all day,” he said aloud. “Better go for a walk and get to know my way around town.”

Standing up he noticed the bulge in his pants. Can’t very well walk around like this. He thought, better take a shower and take care of it.





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