Buffy sat in Tara’s office waiting for her arrive. It seemed so large to her because Tara always brought the place to life with her positive energy. Now, as she sat on the couch across from the window and took in the scent of the burning candles, she thought the room felt oddly like a church—cold and uncomfortably quiet. Buffy took this time to observe her surroundings. Tara’s desk, which sat in front of the window, was perfectly neat, not one paper out of place. There was an oak bookshelf in the corner of the room overflowing with books. Buffy read some of the titles and didn’t recognize any of them. Her eyes landed on one titled, Intimacy after Breast Cancer: Dealing with your Body, Relationships and Sex, suddenly she thought of William and how nice it had been to wake up in his arms. She smiled as she remembered the way he’d pouted when she got up to shower and change. He was so different now, calm, patient and understanding, things he had never been before. His passion had been what had drawn her to him in the first place, but now after everything she had gone through, this new William was a welcome reprieve. He seemed to know exactly how to deal with her and this disease. They had both grown up so much since their breakup. Maybe that’s what they had needed, time to grow up apart from each other.
She thought about Xander and Anya. What could her best friend possibly have been thinking in proposing to that ditz? Did he truly believe that he couldn’t do better? He’d always been insecure and could never really understand how he had landed someone like Anya but to propose? He could do so much better. And what did William see in her? She’d never understood their friendship. Admittedly, she’d never given it any thought since the friendship had developed after their breakup, but now it was getting to be a thorn in her side. Overwhelmed by her thoughts, Buffy let out an exasperated sigh and placed her head in her hands, just as Tara walked into the room.
“Anything you want to talk about?” Buffy looked up to see Tara’s eyes on her as she took a seat in the chair by the window.
“I’m just stressed I guess.”
“I would imagine you would be with everything going on in your life. How have things been since we last spoke?” Tara turned in her chair reaching out toward her desk for a notebook and pen.
“Do you… do you have to do that? With the notebook? It makes me feel like a science experiment or something.” Buffy pointed to the incriminating object in Tara’s hands.
“No, of course not, I’m here to make you feel comfortable so no notebook.” Tara put her notebook back on her desk.
“Thanks.”
“Not a problem.” Tara smiled folding her hands in her lap, ready to begin the session.
“I slept with William.” Buffy blurted the words, her eyes widening when she realized what she just said.
“William?” Tara raised an eyebrow looking confused.
“The friend I told you about. He came to stay with me and help me through chemo except… Well, he’s not just a friend. He’s my ex. Shit! It’s so complicated!” Buffy couldn’t believe all the things coming out of her mouth. She had verbal diarrhea, and she had no idea where it was coming from. This was all William’s fault. His new found sensitivity was starting to rub off on her.
“So you had sex? How was that?” Tara noticed Buffy’s eyes widen. Realizing how her question came off, she scratched her throat. “I…I mean, chemotherapy often rids the patient of their sex drive…“
“Oh no! We didn’t sleep together. We just slept next to each other.”
Tara sighed in relief grateful not to have to get into a conversation of that nature.
“It was nice. More than nice, all of these feelings came back but…” Buffy shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t have time for those kinds of feelings.”
“Does he feel the same way about you?” Tara asked.
“Yes, but I don’t want to drag him down this road with me. It’s not fair.” Buffy crossed and uncrossed her legs, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking.
“It sounds to me like he doesn’t mind. Wasn’t he the one to come stay with you? Did you ask for his help?”
“No! I’d never impose on someone that way. Will just showed up out of the blue one day. Come to think of it, I don’t even know how he knew I was sick.” This realization made Buffy curious; she wondered how this hadn’t occurred to her before.
“Buffy, did you let anyone know you were sick?” Tara was starting to put the pieces of the Buffy puzzle together.
“What? No. Yes! I don’t really want to talk about that.” Buffy looked down at her lap and twisted her hands together.
Tara read Buffy’s body language and knew that she was closing herself off again.
“Ok, we don’t have to discuss anything you don’t feel comfortable talking about. How was your last chemo session? It’s my understanding that they have increased the amount of your dosage.”
“Awful.” Buffy looked up, her eyes full of unshed tears. “I’m not looking forward to the next one. I’m just starting to feel better today, but what’s the point if I have to go back in less than forty-eight hours and start feeling shitty all over again?” She let out a bitter laugh. “It’s funny how the only way to get rid of this is by poisoning my body.”
Taking pity on the woman, Tara extended her hand and patted Buffy’s knee.
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
“I don’t think anyone really can.” Buffy looked up at the ceiling letting out another frustrated chuckle. “Especially not Xander, I mean what the hell was he thinking showing up here? And to bring Anya along?”
“Xander? Anya?” Once again, Buffy had thrown Tara for a loop.
“My best friend Xander and his girlfriend Anya. I mean his fiancée Anya.” Buffy’s voice was laced with resentment.
“Not a fan of Anya?”
“Let’s just say the girl has no social skills. She’s always blurting out whatever’s on her mind, even if it’s rude. I don’t know what Xander sees in her. He can do so much better. She has William wrapped around her little finger too.” Buffy’s tears had disappeared replaced by an angry blush on her cheeks.
Tara was amazed at how much Buffy was disclosing.
“Are you jealous?”
“Of Anya? Pft, no! She’s the one who’s jealous of me. I mean she must be, the way she’s taking my friends away.” Buffy realized what she said and silently cursed herself. She’d let her anger get the best of her.
“What do you mean she took your friends?” Tara was happy to finally be getting somewhere with her patient.
“Nothing. It’s just—nothing.”
Tara tried not to show her frustration. Buffy was clearly done sharing. She was grateful to at least have gotten a little information from her. Maybe next time she’d get more.
“Do you think you should sit down with Anya and let her know how you feel? Maybe it would be good for you to talk to both she and Xander.”
Buffy shook her head. “No, they wouldn’t understand.”
“What about William? Do you think he might be able to help you with this situation? You were partially right when you said you couldn’t fit anymore on your plate. The stress you are going through isn’t going to help you to deal with chemotherapy.”
Buffy looked over at the clock on Tara’s desk. “Isn’t our hour up?”
Tara tried not to look as disappointed as she felt. “Yes. You are right. My buzzer will be going off in a minute.”
Buffy smiled, relieved that this was over. Tara stood up and Buffy followed suit. “Buffy, think about what I said. You’ll be surprised at how much better you’ll feel if you talk your problems out with your friends.”
“Yeah, sure, I'll think about it. See ya next week, Tara.” Buffy walked out of the office letting out a breath of relief.
Once alone, Tara shook her head in frustration. She found her notebook and sat down to jot down notes from her conversation with Buffy before she had the chance to forget.
**********************************************************
“Hello? William?” Buffy walked in the front door a smile on her face, the thought of William making her forget her session with Tara. Her smile however, quickly turned into a frown when she saw Anya sitting on the couch.
“Where are William and Xander?” she asked Anya, who was watching TV.
“Oh, they’re off doing men things.”
“Okay. I’m going to bed then.”
“He loves you.” She shut off the TV deciding it was time to have a conversation with Buffy.
“What?”
“They both love you. I don’t get why, but they do, and you’re just pushing them away,” Anya continued before she lost her nerve.
Buffy walked over to her. “I don’t see how this is any of your business.”
“But it is. Xander is my fiancé and William is my best friend. I see the way they care about you and the way you keep them at arm’s length. Don’t you think that hurts them?”
Buffy couldn’t believe that this woman was talking to her like this. Who did she think she was?
“This is none of your business,” she repeated.
“Look, I know you don’t like me, but for William and Xander I thought I’d try to understand you. It would be so much easier if we could all get along.”
Buffy nodded. Anya had a point; it would make things a hundred times better if they could get along.
Anya took Buffy’s nod as a sign for her to continue. “I don’t know exactly what went down between you and William. He and I weren’t that close when it happened, and neither of those boys will fill me in. Believe me I’ve tried to get it out of them.”
Buffy couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Anya badgering William and Xander for information.
“William’s an alcoholic. His drinking didn’t mix well with our relationship.” She didn’t think she should be telling Anya any of this, but if it got the girl off her back she’d do it.
“I know you aren’t one to let people know how you feel…” Anya held up her hand when Buffy’s mouth opened to argue. “You can blame William for revealing that bit of information. He was drunk and its pretty much the only time he’s ever talked about the two of you. What I’m trying to say is, do you think maybe he turned to alcohol because it was the only way for him to deal with things?”
“What!” Buffy’s hands opened and closed into fists as her anger at Anya returned.
“Okay, I get that this really isn’t any of my business, but I don’t like seeing them hurt and they’re hurting, Buffy. Just think about what I said okay? Maybe letting them in would be a good thing. Having some support with what you’re going through wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world would it?”
“Are you done?” Buffy had to control the urge to slap her. She’s Xander’s fiancé, she’s William’s friend. Buffy repeated the mantra to herself until she finally calmed down.
Anya nodded. “Yeah, I’m done.”
Buffy turned to leave when Anya called out to her.
“What is it, Anya? You’re treading on thin ice here.”
“Thanks for letting us stay. It means a lot to Xander. Me too, we’re both grateful.”
“No problem.” Buffy shook her head in disbelief then went to her room as Anya turned the TV on and went back to waiting for the boys.
Once in her room, Buffy couldn’t stop her brain from running in circles. Was what Anya had said true? Did she push them away? It wasn’t something she did consciously. Had she been the one to push William to drink? What about what Tara had said? Talking things out seemed to be the consensus among the women. When had she stopped talking things out? She couldn’t remember. Buffy felt suddenly overwhelmed. She threw herself down on her bed and covered her head with a pillow, a pillow that held the scent of tobacco. William. Kicking her legs on the bed, Buffy let out a frustrated growl. When had her life become so complicated?
She was suddenly aware of a soft knocking at her door. Rousing herself up from the bed, she saw that the room was now much dimmer than earlier. She must have fallen asleep.
“Buffy?” William called from the door.
“Yeah, come in.”
William walked in holding a box behind his back.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I must have fallen asleep. Have you been back long?”
“No. We just got in. Went for a walk around town. Xander wanted to see what all the fuss about Camden was.”
Buffy looked down at the floor. “I haven’t talked to him much.”
“He mentioned that, yeah.” William was hesitant to tell Buffy too much about Xander’s feelings for fear she’d shut down on him again.
“Maybe we could rent a movie or something tonight. We could all sit down together and have popcorn.” She looked back up at William, a forced smile on her face.
“Actually, we were thinking we could go out and celebrate their engagement. You know, a night out on the town. You seemed to be feeling better this morning.”
“I don’t know, Will.” Buffy’s hand went up to her head. She didn’t feel like going out on the town looking like she did.
“You look like you feel better today.”
“I do. I think the steroids they gave me when I went for chemo are finally kicking in. What’s that?” she asked, noticing the box William was holding.
“I wondered when you’d notice. You got this in the mail today.” William couldn’t help but bounce on the balls of his feet when he saw her smile.
Buffy took the box from his hands. Reading the return address she smiled.
“Ok. Let’s go out. I could use some fun.”
William raised an eyebrow wondering what had caused her to change her mind.
“All right. Can you be ready in about an hour?”
“How about two?”
“Sounds good to me. I’ll let Xander and Anya know.”
As soon as he was out the door Buffy ripped open the box.
“My hair!” She pulled the wig out of the box and hugged it to her chest. “It feels so real. Yay! But what am I going to wear?”
Buffy went on to spend almost the entire two hours she had been allotted looking through her closet, applying her make-up and figuring out how to put on the wig. Once she had it on, she shook her head back and forth to make sure it was secure. It would be so humiliating to have it fall off while she was dancing. Just to be sure that wouldn’t be an issue, Buffy did a little head banging and was happy to find that the wig would stay on even in the most extreme situations. Once she was through with the dance test, she grabbed a brush and viewed her reflection in the mirror. She was astonished to see how much like her old self she looked. She had chosen a blonde wig, a bit lighter than her natural color and made sure it was made of real hair. The purchase had been a bit on the pricey side but it was worth it to her ego to look good, especially because she felt like shit half the time. It felt so nice, light and bouncy, the wig gave her a confidence she’d thought long gone. Tonight would be a good night, she would be sure of it.
By the time she made it to the top of the stairs the others were sitting on the couch already dressed and waiting. William stood and walked over to meet her as soon as he saw her.
“You look gorgeous.”
Buffy smiled as she made her way down to meet him. William’s gaze moved up from her red strappy sandals to her lean legs, taking in her red halter dress and the neckline that dipped low enough to show the sides of her breasts and the milky white skin in between, finally landing on her lush wavy hair. Noticing the way he looked at her Buffy gave her head a little shake, relishing the way her hair felt against her back and shoulders. William extended his hand for her to take when she reached the bottom step.
“You’re going to be the death of me,” he whispered in her ear.
All Buffy could do was smile, he was making her feel the same way. She’d noticed how irresistible he looked in a light blue dress shirt and black jeans. The shirt made his eyes pop. The black leather jacket, his scuffed Doc Marten’s and the chain hanging from his pants pocket gave him the bad boy look she had never been able to resist.
“Wow, Buffy, you look great.” Anya couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous, especially once she noticed how Xander’s tongue was practically hanging out of his mouth. This was her celebratory night and Buffy managed to outshine her.
“Thanks, Anya,” Buffy smiled at her while allowing William to help her with her jacket. Maybe Anya wasn’t as bad as she seemed. She had good intentions even if she didn’t know how to express them properly.
“You do look good, Buff,” Xander said, “but not as good as my girl here. She’s absolutely delectable.”
Xander kissed his fiancé on the cheek eliciting a blush from the her, who was very rarely ever embarrassed.
“Shall we go?” William went to grab his car keys off the wall when Buffy’s hand stopped him.
“We are not taking that jalopy. We can go in my Jeep.”
William made a face at her all the while taking the Jeep keys.
“Okay, but I’m driving. Don’t very much feel like having an accident tonight.”
“Whatever, Will.” Buffy rolled her eyes at him. “Let’s go.”
********************************************************
Buffy asked for a drink as soon as they sat down at a table.
“What?” she asked when William gave her a look. “You said it yourself. I need to unwind.”
William nodded then asked the waitress for bottled water.
By her third drink Buffy was feeling happy and relaxed, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time.
“I’m going to dance. Xander wanna come?” She stood up extending her hand to him, a smile lighting up her face.
Happy to have been acknowledged by his friend, Xander followed her out to the dance floor. Buffy began swaying to the music, her hair flying left and right. Xander just bobbed around in the same spot enjoying watching his friend let loose.
William watched her from where he sat turned on by the way she swayed her hips and the way she lifted her arms above her head. This was the Buffy he remembered, the one he’d met all those years ago at the Bronze.
Before long she felt strong arms encircle her waist. Knowing it was him she allowed herself to lean against his chest and let his hands roam up and down her body.
“Do you know what you’re doing to me?” he whispered into her ear.
Buffy smiled and wiggled her ass further into him enjoying the fact that she still had the power to seduce. William let out a growl that she felt reverberate between her legs.
Frightened by the feeling, she pulled away from him.
“I need a drink.”
“Another one? Don’t you think you’ve had plenty?” William was worried; he didn’t want her to have a hangover in the morning. She was finally feeling well, and that would ruin the little time she had left before another chemo treatment.
“I’m okay, Will. Don’t worry.” She began walking toward the bar but felt her balance falter.
William was there to catch her.
“Maybe you’re right.” She turned in his arms and giggled, tipsy from the alcohol. “I think I’ve had just enough for tonight.”
“Do you want to sit down?” William had not let go of her waist, and when she nodded he guided her toward the table where they were sitting.
Anya had been watching the couple on the dance floor long enough to know she should make herself scarce.
“I’m going to dance with Xander. He looks like a mess out there.” As soon as William and Buffy made it to the table she was off to help Xander salvage his reputation.
Buffy laughed and leaned her head on Williams shoulder. “I think she’s giving us some privacy.”
“Are you two getting along now?” William had noticed the two women being civil to each other throughout the evening. He played with a strand of Buffy’s hair enjoying how perfectly she fit into the crook of his neck.
“We had a talk, and it’s all good.” She looked up at him. “Do you like the hair?”
“Love it. But I think you’re hot with or without it.”
Buffy smiled. “Thanks, let’s go home. My feet hurt.”
William nodded and helped her up from her chair. The couple walked over to Anya and Xander telling them they were calling it a night. The two were having too much fun to go home and decided they’d take a taxi back when they were ready.
William helped Buffy to the car then wrapped his arm around her waist once they arrived home and walked toward her front door.
“I’m not that drunk, Will,” She told him as he unlocked the door with one hand, not wanting to release her waist.
William looked at her and scoffed. Okay, she admitted to herself, maybe I am a little drunk, but how long has it been since I’ve had this much fun? Too long. She’d been too busy obsessing over being sick to even think about fun. She looked at him and watched his expression change; he was suddenly looking at her, his eyes expressing how much he loved her and how long he’d been waiting for just this moment. His head tilted to the side asking her a silent question, what’s it to be, love? So she answered the best way she knew how; she kissed him. Right there on her front porch, she kissed him. It all came back, all the feelings she had came rushing up from deep down where she’d hid them so long ago, and she felt her heart expand.
He returned her kiss with equal passion, and she felt as though she might faint. The sensation was amazing. It was as though they’d never been apart. She fumbled behind her back to turn the doorknob while wrapping her legs around his waist at the same time. Somehow he steered them into the foyer, kicking the door closed. William finally found the will to pull himself away and let out a ragged breath.
“Buffy.” His eyes shone with desire.
“Yeah?” she asked, eager to get back to what they were doing. Leaning forward she kissed and nipped at his neck.
Her attempts failed to distract him and she froze, becoming aware of what was coming; the questions, and the guilt. This hadn’t happened in so long, she’d been so resistant; of course he’d want to know, “why now?” She didn’t want to explain. She wanted him. He was her rock; he’d always been, and she’d denied herself of him for so long that she just couldn’t do it anymore. No more self-denial; that was her new motto. She wanted to hold on to him for dear life and have him be the one to keep her from drowning. She didn’t want to do any of the work herself. Her entire life had been work. It was time for someone to give her a break, take over for a while and allow her to give herself over entirely.
William wasn’t the type to jump into sex it seemed, not anymore. And so he looked at her with shining eyes and asked,
“You sure about this? Had a lot to drink and I don’t want to take advantage.”
She nodded. Yes, I’m sure. Please, take me I’ve been stupid long enough.
He nodded. “Not here. Want to treat you proper. In your room, on the bed.”
She allowed him to pick her up and carry her up the stairs peppering her face and neck with kisses until they reached her door. Once inside, he gently placed her on the bed and took her left foot in hand. Gently removing her sandal, he leaned down and licked her arch, kissing it when he felt her shudder then placing her foot down in order to lift the other and repeat the pattern. Once she was barefoot, he slowly crawled over toward her, bringing his hand to her neck and untying the knot that held her dress, all the while kissing the valley of her breasts, eliciting a deep sigh from her when she felt the old familiar goose bumps form at the back of her neck. William’s lips moved upward to her chest and collarbone until he was kissing her mouth again, his hand lightly skimming over her thigh, making her skirt hitch up and out of the way. Her top slipped down around her waist and his mouth was suddenly around her right nipple, biting and sucking while he rolled the other between his thumb and forefinger. She ran her hands up and down his shirt-clad back, her body arching toward him.
Buffy suddenly pulled away, with a pout and said,
“Not fair. I can’t be the only one losing all my clothes.”
William gave her a wicked smile, but allowed her to unbutton and remove his shirt. Once he’d taken off his undershirt his attention turned back to Buffy.
“Now, where was I?” William’s mouth returned to her breasts as he continued lavish attention on her hard, rosy nipples.
Buffy reached for his belt and with deft fingers, quickly had his pants halfway down his thighs.
“No underwear.” She smiled coyly.
“Never.”
“I need you.” She wrapped her legs around his waist and taking his hands in hers pulled him down to cover her once again.
William paused at her entry, looking at her one last time, silently asking for her consent. She smiled at him and nodded loving this new found respect and reverence he had for her. They moaned together when he gently thrust inside her. She felt a bit of discomfort while her body adjusted to him, but she liked the feeling, he’d always been a perfect fit for her.
“So hot, kitten.” He slid in and out in slow strokes. “Feels like home.”
“Unh,” Buffy was beyond coherent words.
“You’re so tight. So perfect for me…” His voice was a soft whisper in her ear, making her shudder with need.
“Will.”
“My beautiful girl. Missed you so much, missed this.” His breath was coming faster as his voice became hoarse.
His words were making her want to melt into the bed. She felt her orgasm building, but she needed something to push her over the edge.
“More, William,” she begged.
“What do you want love? What do you need?”
“You. I need… more.”
Knowing exactly what she needed William reached between them and began rubbing circles on her clit with his thumb, and just when he felt her body tense, he pressed down and placed his lips on her shoulder and bit down.
“Ah, Fuck!” Buffy went over, her inner muscles squeezing him so tight he had no choice but to join her.
“I love you,” he whispered, once he was able to catch his breath.
He lay over her not wanting to disconnect from the feeling of completion she gave him. Buffy’s hand traced small circles around the back of his shoulder as she lay below him a blissful smile on her lips. She didn’t have the words to tell him how happy she felt at that moment, so she allowed him to whisper his words of adoration in her ear and simply held him to her hoping he would understand. In the past she would have pushed away needing to have some space, to be alone and collect herself. Now she wanted to hold on to him for dear life and never let go again.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to post. I had a really difficult time writing this chapter but I finally got it out. Thanks so much to Sanityfair who was an INCREDIBLE help with this one. You're awesome!
I hope you guys are still following the story.
I hope you guys are still following the story.
Chapter End Notes:
Let me know what you think or at least that you are all still out there and havent given up on me. THanks for reading!