Chapter 20
After some time, William shifted so that he could lie next to her. They remained in each other’s arms, legs tangled together. He nuzzled his head into her neck and played with her hair.
“Feels real,” he whispered.
“It is. Not really mine, but it’s real.”
She ran her hand through his hair, it had grown a bit since he’d come to stay. So different now, it’s natural color made him look sexier, more mature and grown up. His hands found their way to her breasts and he began tracing lazy circles around her nipples.
“Perfect,” he murmured.
A question came to her then.
“Would you… would you feel the same if they were gone?“
He’d walked out on her before, when she hadn’t been enough. Who was to say he wouldn’t do it again if her body wasn’t whole? He sat up and brought her up with him. With his thumb he wiped away a tear she didn’t know had fallen.
“I love you. I am always going to love you and I’m here to fight with you. No more running away Buffy. ‘M here to stay.”
Now she was truly crying.
“But you said that before, and you left anyway,”
“Buffy, what happened with Dru that night, it was the biggest mistake of my life.” She could see the tears beginning to gather in his eyes.
She shook her head at him, didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but he took her face in his hands and made her look at him.
“You need to hear me out, love.”
“Will, I’m drunk. Not a good time to talk.”
“Not too drunk to have a shag,” he told her, his face hard. “You don’ want to go back to hurting, I get that. Doesn’t make what happened go away an’ neither will ignoring it.”
She pushed his hands off sliding away from him, needing to have some breathing room.
“Is that what you think this was, a meaningless drunken fuck?” She shook her head again, waved her hands in front of her face. “I don’t want to talk about this. It’s done, it was done a long time ago. It’s over.”
“Buffy,” He tried to take her hand, but she pulled it away. “I remember that night as if it were yesterday. How can you think it’s over with?”
She didn’t. She’d thought about it almost every day until she got sick, then other thoughts took its place. It didn’t mean that the pain was gone, it was still there. The night she walked in on Spike and Dru had torn out the last piece of her heart she had left.
He wasn’t at the funeral and she was livid. How dare he not show up after he promised her he’d come? It didn’t matter what was going on between them, what mattered was that he show her mother some honor and respect. In the end she pushed her feelings of anger toward him back, in order to deal with her sorrow over the loss of her mother. She felt like a zombie walking down the church aisle behind her mother’s casket, alone. No one was there to hold her and when she stumbled, almost falling to the ground and breaking down, it was Xander who came to her aid. He rushed to her side, hooked his arm around her waist, walked her to the hearse and took a seat beside her.
“What about Anya?” She didn’t make eye contact, but concentrated on the driver ahead. She knew that if she looked at Xander she would break and that would put and end to her perfectly controlled composure.
“She’ll be alright, she understands. Buffy, you can’t be alone right now. It’s not right. Where’s Spike?”
“Probably at home, passed out or drunk, or both. He could be lying in a ditch somewhere for all I care.” Her voice was ice, her face narrowed and her eyes dark with anger.
“Did you call him before you came?” Xander was worried. It wasn’t like Spike not to show up to something that was so important to Buffy.
“No. He promised he’d be here, I assumed he would. Spike disappointed me again, no big surprise.”
“What if he is in a ditch somewhere? It’s not like him not to call at least.”
Buffy shrugged. She didn’t have time to worry about Spike. There was mourning to be done now; she couldn’t handle two crises at once. If she attempted to do it she would surely lose her mind. Sensing that Buffy was barely holding on to her sanity, Xander dropped the subject telling himself he’d go check on Spike after the burial. They rode the rest of the way to the cemetery in silence. He took her cold limp hand in his, but she didn’t react, she only continued looking forward.
She behaved the same way as her mother’s casket was lowered to the ground. She stood in front of the crowd, listening to the priest as she stared ahead hearing the tears that everyone around was able to release. Not one tear fell from her eyes during the funeral; she was determined not to let any out now either. She knew if she let one fall then the rest would come, and before she knew it she would be clutching on to the casket begging her “mommy” to come back. Tears would come later, when she was alone at home with no one to see. Once the priest said his last words Buffy walked to the hole in the ground where her mother lay and threw in a single rose.
“I love you mommy,” she whispered, then stood in stoic silence until everyone had said goodbye and gone home to be with their families.
Buffy no longer had a home or a family. Xander walked up to her and placed his arm around her small frame.
“Do you need anything? Do you want us to come over to your house? We can have some drinks, shoot the shit and forget about this for a while.” He smiled at her hoping it would be contagious and she would smile back at him. She shook her head and said,
“I’m going to go home now. I just want to be alone.”
Xander nodded leaning down to kiss her cheek. “I love you. I will call you later to make sure you are okay.”
“Thanks Xand.”
Once alone, she began to think of Spike. Maybe he was lying in a ditch somewhere. What if he got into a drunken brawl and was seriously hurt? She decided she better go check in on him. Once she knew he was alright she would let him have it.
She made it into the building and heard laughter as she walked up the hall toward their apartment. A woman’s voice cooed,
“Come here my dark prince!”
She felt her heart stop. Suddenly everything seemed to slow down. She turned the key in the lock and walked into the disheveled living room. Empty beer cans were strewn all over, and on the coffee table sat many empty bottles of Jack Daniels. The place smelled like a brewery. It sickened her. She heard the woman’s laughter again, then Spike make some incoherent noise, so she walked toward their bedroom where the noise was coming from and opened the door.
She stood frozen as she took in the scene in front of her. Spike lay facing up on the bed, a dark haired woman clad in a black bustier with red roses embroidered on it and black fishnet thigh highs was on top of him, her thin body moving up and down, the bones in her back jutting out as she leaned her head back and pulled her hair up with her thin arms her eyes closed.
“That’s it my Spike,” she spoke in a singsong voice “My prince knows what to do.”
Spike lay unmoving beneath her, his eyes glazed over from too much alcohol. She took his limp arm and put his hand to her breast as he watched her get herself off on him. He didn’t argue or fight to push her off.
“So this was more important than saying goodbye to my mother?” Buffy finally found her voice, it came out sounding hurt and angry, but she felt completely numb.
The dark haired woman turned to look at her, eyes dark, a slow smile spread on her face as she laughed out loud.
“Who is this?” she asked Spike.
Somehow he pulled himself out of his drunken stupor and pushed the woman off of him.
“Buffy, love?” He rubbed his eyes in an attempt to make sure she was real.
Buffy let out a bitter laugh. “Don’t you dare call me that. In fact, don’t call me anything. This is over.” She pointed at him then at herself and walked away.
Spike somehow managed to get up, find his balance and go after her. She was almost to the door before she stopped and turned around to look at him.
“I’m moving into my mother’s house. I don’t want to see you again. I’ll have Xander pick up my things later. Sober up and get that whore out of here before he comes. I don’t want her touching any of my things.”
She was stone faced; there were no tears in her eyes. She had no more left. This was the icing on the cake, and she decided that she needed to get out of this life with him before it destroyed her.
“Buffy don’t leave. Let me explain.” He stood naked before her, hands clasped together and sobbing.
“Explain what? That you got shitfaced, picked up the closest whore you could find and brought her to our home so you could fuck her instead of coming to my mother’s funeral? Don’t worry Spike, it’s pretty self-explanatory.”
“Buffy-”
“Good bye.” She walked out the door making sure to slam it behind her for effect.
William’s hand was on her cheek. “Buffy, come back to me.”
“Did I make you do it Spike?”
He tilted his head, not understanding her question. Then it dawned on him.
“No, absolutely not! It was me, I was so incredibly stupid and insecure and a drunk.”
“Was that my fault? Did I push you to drink? I know I can be difficult…”
William took her by the shoulders, lifting a hand to wipe at her tears. His face reflecting the pain he felt for causing her such insecurities.
“I’m an alcoholic, Buffy. I have been since before I met you. My drinking had nothing to do with you, it had to do with myself and I used it to escape my problems. I didn’t know how to help you when you needed me the most, so I drank. It was stupid and irresponsible and I have been paying for my decisions ever since.”
“Maybe if I had talked to you, let you know what I was feeling--”
“I’d still be an alcoholic. Buffy you didn’t make me do any of the things I did. I made those decisions, they were my own fault.” William needed her to understand that this was on him. He couldn’t allow her to take the weight of his issues on her shoulders. “I was an asshole. I am so sorry for hurting you. I can’t blame you for not wanting anything to do with me from that day on.”
“I should have talked to you.” He needed to understand that she knew she’d made mistakes too. “I should have let you in instead of hiding the way I did. I’m sorry about that.”
“Yeah well, nothing we can do about it now. It’s all done an’ over with.”
She put her hand on his cheek. “We can fix it now so it doesn’t happen again. I promise I will talk to you, let you know what’s going on.”
William smiled. She was promising him a future.
“I promise I will let you know if I feel like you’re shutting me out or if something is bothering me. I’ll let you know what’s going on too. Won’t be a coward anymore.”
She nodded and smiled at him leaning in for another kiss.
*********************************************************
“Hellooooo you guys decent?” Xander’s voice came in through the front door. “I think they’re getting it on,” he whispered to Anya.
Anya slapped his shoulder. “Shh. They can probably hear you.”
“Did you see them at the club? They couldn’t keep their hands off each other.” Xander opened the door and covered his eyes as he walked into the living room.
“I think it’s sweet.” Anya saw that the room was empty and lowered Xander’s hand away from his face.
“Who are you and what have you done with my fiancé?”
Anya shrugged. “What? They make a cute couple.”
“Wanna know who else makes a cute couple?” A mischievous smile spread across Xander’s face.
Anya gave him her sexy pout and pulled him up the stairs by the hand.
“Let’s go do some real celebrating.” She began unbuttoning his shirt and pushed him onto the bed as she slammed the door shut with her foot.
*******************************************************
Buffy watched William from where she lay on the bed. He moved around the room completely comfortable in his nakedness. She’d never been that free with herself, not even before she’d gotten sick. She would always cover herself with blankets or put her bathrobe on after sex. She wished she could be less self-conscious, especially around him.
“How did you know I was sick?” The question came out of nowhere. She hadn’t known she was going to ask it, but it had been lingering in the back of her mind since she’d returned from Tara’s.
“What?” William turned from where he stood by the door. She could have sworn she saw a look of alarm on his face but it was gone too soon.
“How did you know I was sick? How did you know I was here? You just showed up and I never asked.”
William looked down at his feet then around the room, finally coming to sit next to her on the bed.
“You’re not going to like it.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“I was out with Xander one day and he needed to stop by your house to pick up a CD. You weren’t home but since Xan has your keys he went in to get it and I followed him. There were medical papers on your coffee table and I was sitting on the couch waiting for him so we could go. Trust me I was really not comfortable with being there but he said it would only take a minute. Anyway, I started sifting through the papers and I saw your diagnoses and all of your arrangements for your trip here.”
“You came into my house and you went through my private papers?” Her heart was beating faster than she’d ever felt it, but somehow her voice remained calm.
William refused to look at her, his eyes remained focused down on the bed.
“William I need you to look at me.” William’s eyes finally came up to look at hers. “Why did you do that?”
“Xander had mentioned you were keeping to yourself a lot more and that you weren’t acting like yourself when you were around. I was worried. I know you get like that when something’s wrong and when I saw the medical papers I panicked. I needed to know. I’m sorry. I know I was wrong but, I wouldn’t be here with you now if I hadn’t looked.”
Buffy took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m going to need a minute here.”
“You were so sick when I got here, I was so glad I came. I didn’t tell anyone love, I kept it to myself.” He was so scared he would lose her by telling her the truth, but he’d just promised to be honest not five minutes ago.
Buffy held up her hand to stop him from talking.
“Thank-you.”
“What?” Her comment left him completely baffled.
“Thank-you, for snooping. You’re right I can’t do this on my own. I don’t know what I was thinking, but if it hadn’t been for you showing up here God knows where I’d be right now. So, yeah, thank-you.”
“I love you.” He really did.
She forgave him for going through her things and even thanked him for stalking her. This woman was incredible and he was so lucky to have her.
She smiled and cuddled up to him. “Let’s get some sleep. Something tells me tomorrow’s going to be a rough day.”
He made himself more comfortable on the bed by tucking her onto his chest.
“Why do you say that?”
“Cause I had too much fun.”
“Let’s get some rest then.”
He didn’t mind that she hadn’t said “I love you” back to him. She was always one to take her time and he understood why she was hesitant to say those words. Being able to hold her in his arms was good enough for him. He just hoped that he’d be able to hold her for a very long time. Fate wouldn’t be so cruel as to take away something he just got back would it? He didn’t know the answer to that so he shot out a quick prayer, just in case. Please let her get through this. Give us the chance to spend our lives together like we were meant to. God wouldn’t take her away from him, would He?
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Well here it is chapter 20! Anyone still around? I bring you this unbeta'd so I'm crutchless. Hope you like it ;)
Chapter End Notes:
So what'd you think? How'd I do all on my own? Was it horrible? Let me know, Please Review!