Chapter 21
The next morning Buffy woke to find a note sitting on the empty pillow next to her.
Morning, Love
Stepped out for some bagels. Be back soon.
William
She smiled as she stretched her body. He was such a good man. Suddenly overcome by nausea, she found herself running to the bathroom, barely making it in time.
She was suddenly very hot, and her head hurt. A lot. She couldn’t distinguish whether this was a chemo thing or a hangover.
“What the fuck?” She sat up on the floor and leaned against the wall enjoying the coolness against her hot skin.
“Stupid drinks,” she mumbled as she put her hand to her forehead to feel for a fever.
Buffy tried to stand up and make her way to the bed but realized in doing so that her entire body hurt. This is new. Deciding to forego her bed in order to get some pain killers out of the medicine cabinet, she practically cried when she opened the bottle to find it empty. Now, I have to go all the way downstairs for more. Placing both of her hands on the sink for balance, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. I really have to stop doing this. As usual, she was horrified by what she saw; the feeling was intensified by the runny mascara and smudged lipstick leftover from the previous night. Not to mention the way her wig hung on her head crookedly. Pulling the thing off of her head, she mustered all of her strength by closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Okay, Buffy, you can do this. Just walk downstairs, get some meds and pass out on the couch.
After making it downstairs, she took some aspirin, and collapsed on the couch, only to realize that Xander was sitting on the couch next to hers.
“Morning, Buff, you don’t look so good. How are you feeling?”
“I have a headache, and I’m tired. I have a bad taste in my mouth, like metal. That’s a chemo thing though.” She threw her arm over her face hoping that the act would let Xander know she wasn’t in the mood for talking.
“Huh.”
“What?”
“The metal thing. It’s weird.”
Buffy shrugged. She felt like absolute shit. Her throat was starting to burn from throwing up earlier, and her head was still throbbing.
“I’m mad at you, Buffy.” Xander had yet to look at her and perhaps that’s why he completely disregarded the way she was feeling. There was something he needed to get off his chest, and this was the best time for him to do it.
“What?” Buffy turned her head to look at him incredulously. His remark was completely unexpected.
“I’m really angry at you. I feel really bad about it ‘cause you know, you’re sick. But I just can’t get past this ball of anger sitting at the pit of my stomach.”
“Xander, can we not do this?”
“You don’t have to talk. Just let me get this out. I’m mad at you because I love you, and you took off. You disappeared without telling anyone where you were going and why you left. That was really hurtful, Buffy. It was hurtful and selfish.” Xander stood up and walked over to her.
Looking down into her eyes he said,
“I think you behaved unfairly. You should have let us know, should have let me know.”
Looking up at him, she saw that his eyes were teary. She wanted to say something, anything to take that hurt look off his face, but he walked away and left her alone on the couch with her tears.
********************************************************
When William came back he saw her asleep on the couch. He walked over to her and saw that her face was damp with tears. He noticed she had goose bumps on her arms and touched her forehead to see how she was doing. She had a fever. Again. Shit.
“William?” She slowly opened her eyes and smiled at the sight of him above her.
He smiled back. “Hi. You don’t look so well.”
“I’m better now. I have a bit of a hangover, but I took some aspirin earlier and my head stopped pounding.”
“You’re teary faced.” He didn’t know what to say other than to state the obvious.
“Xander and I had a talk, or rather he had a talk and I listened.”
“What? I’ll go talk to him.” What was wrong with Xander? Hadn’t he seen that she looked weaker than usual?
Buffy grabbed his hand.
“Don’t. Give him some space. Besides, I need you here with me.” She gave him a weak smile making his resolve crumble.
Buffy lifted her head and allowed William to sit so that she could rest her head on his lap. He placed his hand on her forehead again.
“You feel warm.”
“I’m okay,” she assured him.
“You want some bagels?”
Buffy shook her head. “My stomach isn’t doing well right now. I don’t think I could keep anything down.”
William looked down at her; he suddenly looked older than he had when he first arrived. Had she done that to him?
“Hey,” She smiled up at him. “You worry too much. It’s not good for you. I’m doing okay. I promise.”
William only nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
“I’m glad last night happened.” She needed him to know how much it had meant to her.
He smiled. “Me too.”
The sound of a phone ringing interrupted the moment. William checked his pocket and saw that it wasn’t his.
“Is that yours?”
Buffy shrugged. “It might be. I don’t know where I left it though.”
William stood up. “I’ll look for it.”
She took his hand to stop him from getting up.
“It’s in my purse upstairs. Stay with me. Let the voice mail get it.”
William nodded and sat back down just as the house phone rang.
“Wow. Must be important.”
Buffy grabbed the portable phone from the table.
“Hello? Yes, it’s me. Uh huh. Okay. How bad? I can be there. I won’t. Stop worrying! Bye.”
Buffy hung up the phone and stared off into space.
“Buffy, love, who was that?”
When she didn’t respond he took her hand.
“Buffy?”
She looked down at their joined hands then back up at him.
“That was Giles. He wants me to go in for an MRI to see if the tumor shrank.”
William’s grip on her hand tightened; he pressed his lips together and the color drained from his face.
“It will be okay,” he assured her. “We’ll be fine.”
She knew he was saying this more for his own benefit than for hers.
“Can I have some time alone?”
William quickly pulled his hand away from hers as if he’d been burned. She understood his reaction.
“It’s not why you think. I want to talk to you about it but, I want to process it first. On my own.”
At his look of disbelief she added,
“I will talk to you. I promise.”
She thought of Xander and how awful he must feel about the way she treating him. He was right. She should have told him. She said she did it to protect them, but it was because she was a coward. She was afraid that their tears and love and hovering would make her death harder to face, but now she realized that having them around gave her hope. William made her feel it. Having him here with her made her want to stick around. Having Xander here too made her realize she wasn’t as alone as she’d thought. They made her want to fight, to have a new start at the life she’d given up on long ago when her mother died and Spike left. She wasn’t being fair, and it was time for her to own up to her mistakes. She realized she had a chance now, and she made the decision that she wouldn’t be afraid anymore.
Downstairs she found William still on the couch. She walked over to him and took his hand.
“I have to talk to Xander.”
He nodded, understanding her reason for this.
“You should.”
Letting go of his hand she stood up and walked outside where Xander sat on a patio chair talking to Anya.
“Xander, can I talk to you?”
He nodded and gave Anya a look.
“Oh! Well, I have to go use the bathroom.” Anya excused herself and walked back into the house.
Buffy looked at her as she walked away and laughed. She turned back to Xander and walked over to him.
“I left because I was scared. I have breast cancer, and I didn’t want to stick around Sunnydale. I thought that having you guys around would make it harder when it was my time to…“
“Buffy you’re not going to—“
“Let me finish. Please.” Buffy raised her hand to stop him from talking. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you feel like you don’t matter because you do. Xander, your friendship means the world to me, and I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch.”
Xander stood up from his chair and enveloped her in his arms. This time she allowed herself to be held by him and returned his embrace. Pulling away he said,
“It’s okay. I think we all get to be mean to each other every once in a while. Especially, when there’s a life threatening illness involved.” Buffy smiled at his joke, and he was glad she didn’t seem to be taking herself too seriously. “I love you, Buffy.”
“Thanks, Xand and congratulations. I mean Anya, she’s not that bad.”
Xander placed his hand on her forehead.
“Oh, my God! Do you have a fever?”
Buffy slapped his hand away and laughed.
“Shut up.”
“What’s all the ruckus out here?” William walked out of the kitchen through the sliding doors, happy to see Buffy and Xander had made up.
Buffy looked at him and smiled. She was glad he hadn’t been upset over her choice to speak to Xander before him. She walked over to him and took his hand.
“We’re just happy to finally have made up,” she told him.
Xander nodded. “I feel like a celebratory BBQ. What do you think, Buff?”
Buffy made a face. Food wasn’t too high on her priority list right now. She was still trying to get her stomach to settle down.
“You have to eat, love.” William looked down at her his face expressing his concern for her.
“I know. Fine. Let’s grill something.”
“Great! Why don’t we men go hunt something? What do you say, Will?”
William gave his friend a quizzical look. “Or we could just run to the grocery store and buy some steaks.”
“Yeah, that sounds easier. Let’s go!”
William looked down at Buffy and tilted his head. She understood his question.
“Go ahead. I’ll be fine. Go get some food.”
“I love you. Won’t be gone long.” He kissed her and walked with Xander toward his car.
Buffy watched them leave plastering a smile on her face for their benefit. Once the car was gone she plopped down on the chair and put her head in her hands.
“What am I going to do?”
“About what?” Anya walked out of the kitchen. “Where did my man go without as much as a goodbye?”
Buffy looked up to see that Anya had changed from her shorts and t-shirt she’d had on earlier to a pretty yellow sundress.
“Are you okay, Buffy? Is something bothering you?”
Anya noticed how sad Buffy looked and became concerned.
“Oh, you know the usual cancer bullshit.” Buffy tried for a nonchalant tone but failed miserably.
*********************************************************
Once in the car with Xander, William couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing up and down.
“Okay, man what’s up?”
William looked at Xander like he had two heads.
“What are you talking about? Nothings up. We’re going to the grocery.”
“Come on, Will, your legs doing a jig over there. I know something’s bothering you.”
William unconsciously put a stop to his jittery leg and rolled his eyes at his friend.
“Not doing a jig. Buffy got a phone call from her doctor. He wants her to have an MRI done to see how her tumor’s doing.”
“Oh, is she freaked?”
“Don’t know. You know Buffy. She asked for some time to process things alone so, I have to give her the time don’t I?”
Xander gave his friend a pointed look.
“Not too much time. She’s likely to run away from us again.”
“She won’t do that. She said she was sorry didn’t she? I think she’s come a long way since we got here.”
“Since you got here, Will. You’ve really made a difference. I’m glad she stopped being a dumbass and finally let you in.” Xander patted his friend on the shoulder to show his support.
“Don’t know ‘bout her letting me in, looks like that’s still up in the air.”
“Relax, buddy, she’ll open up… eventually.”
**********************************************************
Anya went and sat in the chair next to Buffy’s.
“Talk to me. What kind of bullshit?”
Buffy gave Anya a dumbfounded look.
“What? I thought we were friends now. Isn’t this what friends do?”
Buffy shook her head. “I don’t know, Anya.”
“Look, I can’t promise to be great at this talking thing. I’ve never had any girlfriends, but it’s not like you can run to your therapist right now, am I right?”
Buffy nodded in agreement.
“And William’s too close to be objective. Xander, well let’s face it. Xander’s no good with this stuff. “
Buffy nodded again. Anya was right. She was better off talking to her before approaching William. Anya could be her sounding board.
“I have to have an MRI to see if the tumor’s shrunk.”
“You’re worried that it didn’t.” The other woman crossed her legs placing her elbow on her knee and her chin on her hand in an attempt to appear friendly.
“I’m freaking out. If it shrank I can just have it removed. But what if it didn’t or worse—what if it grew or spread?”
“Then you do whatever comes next.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want a mastectomy. I like my breasts, plus it’s such a risky thing to have done.”
Anya placed her hand over Buffy’s.
“But there’d be a better chance of you surviving. I know this has got to be scary, but think of the alternative.”
“I just got William back,” Buffy whispered.
“Exactly! Don’t you want to do anything possible to have a new start with him?”
Buffy was floored by Anya’s sudden kindness and compassion.
“Yes, I do.”
“Stop looking at this as a death sentence. Look at it for what it is—another chance at life.”
Buffy couldn’t help herself. She was so overtaken by emotion that she launched herself at Anya and wrapped her arms around her. Anya was a bit shocked by the reaction but managed to return the sentiment.
“Holy shit! Take a look at that.” Xander pointed at the girls from where he and William stood holding grocery bags in the kitchen.
“I just walked into the Twilight Zone,” William said as he stared at the girls embracing.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Another update! Sorry i've been so slow at updating. Things have come up and I've been kept away from my laptop. Thanks as always to Sanityfair for your wonderful Beta skills. You are GREAT! Enjoy!
Chapter End Notes:
What'd you think? Did you like the relationship between Anya and Buffy? Please Review. Reviews = encouragement which = more updates! ;)