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Author's Chapter Notes:
More on William's issues and why he has them. A bit more into the Spike/Buffy relationship and some Xander/Anya hijinks.
“Hi, my name’s William and I am an alcoholic.”

“Hi William.”

He couldn’t believe he was here again. To be honest, maybe he never should have stopped going, then he wouldn’t be in this mess. Every time he thought back to where his alcoholism had started he knew it had not been with Buffy no matter how much Anya had tried to drill it in his head. He’d always had a drink in hand, ever since he could remember. When his mother had died and his father had left him to live on his own at 18 so that he could go marry his step mom who wanted nothing to do with him, that’s when he’d started drinking. At the time it had taken some of the edge off the anger he’d felt at his mother for dying and his father for leaving him alone without any support. Sure, he’d been 18 but how much can an 18 year old provide for himself? He’d had to pick up a job at a bar and quit school just so he could make ends meet. A job as a bartender had seemed a good idea at the time, but looking back now it had given him more access to his stress relief method than was necessary. By the time he’d quit and gone off to work with Xander the damage had already been done. At first he didn’t drink enough to get drunk, just enough to feel a good buzz and be able to sleep. So it was clear to him that this whole thing had started way before Buffy had come along. She’d actually fixed the problem. At least for a little bit. Of course he always lost control when things go stressful and things got pretty stressful when Buffy’s mom Joyce got sick.

He remembered walking into their apartment to find her sitting on the couch crying.

“Buffy, baby what’s wrong?” he’d asked

She looked up at him and the look on her face broke his heart. Her eyes were red and her mascara was running but the worst of it was the way her lower lip quivered.

“My mom, she’s sick. She’s had headaches for a while and today she collapsed- she has a brain tumor!”

This set her off into sobs. He ran over to her and w rapped his arms around her.

“It’s okay kitten, I’m here.” He soothed.

She hugged him back tightly.

“I don’t know what to do Spike. She says she’s okay but I know she’s just trying to make me feel better.”

“Sh sh, s’okay.”

“That’s the thing” she said “What if it’s not? What if this gets worse? I can’t be without my mom.” She cried.

“Don’t think that way. Let’s take things as they come yeah? Doesn’t do any good to think negatively.”

She nodded.

“I’m here for you love,” he assured her “Whatever you need, I’ll be right here.”

He kept his promise to her. As much as he could, but as time passed he felt her pulling away from him and from her friends. She would go to work then to the hospital or to her mom’s house, wherever Joyce’s illness took her. She would come home late and pick at the dinner he’d made her rarely speaking, and then she’d go to bed telling him how tired she was. She was beginning to close off to him and he was feeling hurt and ignored and guilty for feeling that way. She was losing her mom; he had no right to ask for her attention right now. So he started doing other things with his time, letting her have her space. He’d go out with Xander or hang out on his own. Some nights he’d play poker with the boys from work. Sure, he’d have some drinks but it was no big deal.

One night he got home to find Buffy sitting in front of the TV. He found it odd since most nights she was already asleep when he got home. She had tears in her eyes as she stared at the movie playing. He walked over and sat next to her.

“She’s so sick. “she told him

“”M sorry love.”

“They sent her home again but I don’t think she’ll be around much longer.”

“Buffy,” he put his arm around her.

“I’m okay.” She told him “I’ll be okay.”

He pulled his arm back, tilted his head and looked at her. She gave him a closed lipped smile.

“You don’t have to do this.” He told her.

“Do what?” she asked

“You don’t need to be strong for me. I’m here for you.”
She took his hand and said
“Thank you I’m fine. Really. I was just waiting up for you so I could say good night.”
She stood up from the couch and leaned down to give him a quick kiss.

“I love you.”

“Love you too kitten.” He answered

As soon as she closed the door to their room he got up and got the Jack Daniels out. *Just give her some space mate* he told himself *She just needs some room*

****************************************************

“So I think it was my insecurities that led me to start drinking…”

William walked outside to find Xander was waiting for him.

“Hey, how’d it go?”

“Depressing with a bit o’ hope at the end”

“Yeah but how’d it really go?” his friend asked with a smile knowing how William liked to make light of things.

“I’m glad I’m back that’s for sure. I shouldn’t have stopped going.”

“Well you live and you learn right?”

“So, where’s the car?” William asked trying to change the subject.

“Thought we’d take a walk. It’s a nice day out.”

“Right. What’d she do to the car now?” William asked him already guessing what the answer would be.

“What? Anya? Nothing. Why do you always think it’s her fault when something’s wrong with the car?”

“Because she’s crashed the bloody thing three times! I don’t even know why you let her near it.”

“Never mind the car Will listen, I need to know something. What’s your plan?”

“Dunno.” He answered honestly “Want to get myself straight ‘fore I come up with a plan.”

“Are you going to see her again?” Xander asked trying to sound casual.

“I want to but I don’t want to bollocks things up again.”

“Do you think I could-“

“No.”

He knew what his friend was going to ask. William looked at him knowing that Xander was trying desperately to be patient but that it was killing him not knowing where Buffy was and what her reasons for leaving were but he couldn’t betray her. Not again.

“Come on Will. We haven’t seen her or heard from her in months! I just want to know that she’s okay.”

“Xander, she left for a reason. She has things to figure out. She’ll find you when she’s ready.”

“I’m ready.” A voice rang out just as they were walking past the Espresso Pump.
“Anya. What are you doing here?” Xander asked his girlfriend as he kissed her hello.

“Oh, I got tired of waiting for that mechanic to fix the car so I walked over to get a cup of coffee. I was hoping to see you guys – William what? Xander, why is he looking at me like that?”

William was trying his hardest not to burst out into laughter. He had been right but he didn’t want to anger Anya, she had the worst temper so he just stood there trying to keep his face in control.

“You look constipated.” She told him “Maybe we should stop by the market and get you some prunes. It’s all this Buffy stress. Really, you shouldn’t even be wasting your time.”

“Anya,” Xander warned

“What? Do you know this one’s been trying to figure out how to get you to tell us where she is?” she said pointing at Xander.

“Ahn” Xander warned her again

“She left for a reason. She has things to figure out. She’ll find you when she’s ready and then you can have your precious best friend back though I think you’re both better off without her.”

Anya held her hands up in surrender at the look both men gave her.

“Okay, okay I’m out of it. Not my business, got it. Now let’s go get some food. I’m starved!”

William looked at Xander who just shrugged. Anya could eat so it wasn’t surprising that after having just had coffee and probably a Danish to go with it she was still hungry. He remembered how empty the refrigerator at Buffy’s had been and he hoped she was feeding herself better now than she had been when he’d last been there. She had been too skinny and she was too strong a woman to look so frail and defeated.





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