Author's Chapter Notes:
I just wrote this in about 40 minutes, so if it's not funny or doesn't make much sense .. eh, I don't care. Kidding. I care. Lots. So don't be mean if it sucks. I actually wrote it after reading a couple of messages from folks at EF saying that they still read my Never-verse stories and they'd like to see some additions. And I thought hey, I've got a few hours of nothing to do, why not inject some Christmas into my gross little universe where Spuffy have sex and fight constantly - which now that I actually think about it is also what they did in canon. Not that this would've happened on the show. Well, actually it might have. We never did see how Spuffy spent their Christmas in S6.
Oh and to anyone who hasn't been in this sort of situation? You're too young and you should not be reading this fic!
Merry Christmas to everyone, and Happy New Year when it comes :)
Oh and the usual disclaimer. I own nothing, Joss and ME own all.
Oh and to anyone who hasn't been in this sort of situation? You're too young and you should not be reading this fic!
Merry Christmas to everyone, and Happy New Year when it comes :)
Oh and the usual disclaimer. I own nothing, Joss and ME own all.
"Well, I must say it's been a rather uneventful night. Wouldn't you say, Dawn?"
"It's not over till the fat lady has sex with Spike."
"I would hardly call your sister fat, Dawn."
"It's an expression, Giles. Besides, I'll admit that things have been pretty normal actually. Must be a Christmas miracle or something."
"I didn't know you were religious."
"Well, I was hunted down by a God."
"Quite."
"And Buffy and Spike quitting with the sex-a-thons certainly qualifies as more of a miracle than the powers sending snow to save Angel that one time."
"Lord, I'd forgotten all about that! How did you remember?"
"Oh, Xander takes time out of his Snoopy dance every Christmas to make fun of it."
"Yes. He always was a bit of a--"
"Hey! Watch your mouth. He's my significant other, you know."
"You'd never know it considering he lives with me hundreds of miles away."
"Just because he's my boyfriend doesn't mean I can live with him, Giles. He's a ... boy. Bleurgh."
"What a blessed union."
"Zip it. Speaking of blessed unions, what the hell is taking them so long? Did they put our coats in Lapland or something? I'm tired, we have to go."
"Yes, they have been gone a rather long time, haven't they?"
[dawning horror] "Oh god. Oh no! We've been so stupid!"
"What? What's wrong?"
"What do you think is wrong? Buffy and Spike left over 20 minutes ago to get our coats from upstairs. What do you think is happening up there?"
"Dawn, Willow really is right. You have a strange phobia about being here. It's getting quite ridiculous."
"Oh, is it? Is it?"
"Yes. It is."
"Then how come you chose to stay with us and not with them this fine holiday season?"
"W-well, I--"
[mocking] "Y-you, what?"
"Do not take that tone with me, young lady. The fact remains, I believe you have an unfairly low opinion of your sister and Spike."
"Oh, really? Well, okay, Mr Brave-y-pants! Why don't you go look for them then, hm?"
"Well, I--"
"Well, you what?"
"I-I wouldn't want to--"
"Burst in on them doing it?"
"No! I just don't find it correct Christmas dinner-party etiquette to hunt down one's hosts."
"Well, do you know what I don't find correct etiquette? Sneaking off to trim Spike's tree--"
[chokes on eggnogg]
"--while your guests sit in the living room unawares! I'm outta here!"
"Dawn, really, sit down. You're being ridiculous. They might just be--"
"What?"
"Well, they could be, you know ..."
"Yeah?"
"They might just be, uh ..." [eureka moment] "... heating the Christmas pudding."
[still beat]
[raised eyebrows]
[disapproving] "That is not what I meant, Dawn."
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"God, oh ... wow. Merry Christmas to me."
"Yeah. Phew. That was a good one, luv."
"Thanks, baby. Though you did all the work."
"Don't I always."
[head whips round] "What did you say?"
"Oh come on, I was kidding. Let's not get into a fight when I'm still inside you, okay?"
"Do you have to make it sound like you're a tapeworm or something?"
"Well, technically--"
"Technically nothing, Spike. Let's not go there, okay?"
"Gotcha, luv. Let me just--"
"DON'T MOVE!"
"Oh god, what? What?"
"Spike, do not move a muscle!"
"What is it?"
[gritted teeth] "What is it always, Spike?"
"Buffy, what are you--"
"I'll tell you what it is. It's you. It's you and your moronic horniness that gets me into these situations all the time!"
"What on earth are you talking about? What is so wrong now that wasn't wrong 30 seconds ago? And can I please, uh, withdraw now?"
"No! Don't move! I'll tell you what's wrong, Spike. I just looked down, that's what. 30 seconds ago I was in the throes of Spike-induced lustiness that made me blind to the fact that we just had sex on Giles and Dawn's coats! That's what!"
[exhale] "Oh god, is that all? Jesus, Buffy, you nearly gave me a heart-attack." [goes to move]
"Don't move, Spike!"
"Why the hell not? And can you please turn your head around? I don't like being yelled at by the back of your head."
[whips head round] "If you move we'll get ... stuff ... all over their coats!"
[laugh] "Stuff? Oh you adorable little--" [hard squeeze] "--HAH!"
"Just remember that right now I have your manhood in my hands, Spike."
[gritted teeth] "That's not your hands."
"Figuratively!"
[gritted teeth] "Alright. So what do you suppose we do now, Slayer, huh? Because I may love doggie-style, but I'm not going to kneel here for the rest of my life."
"Oh, like I want to say goodnight to Giles on my hands and knees! 'Merry Christmas, Giles, thanks for the gift voucher, please forgive Spike's ass in your face!' "
"Well, you're the one who doesn't want to move!"
"No, I just don't want us to be on their coats when you ... " [embarrassed face] "... pull out."
"You know, for someone who talks a good game in the throes, luv, you turn into a right prude in the aftermath."
"Can we please leave our next argument until after we've got out of this one, Spike!"
[pout] "Fine."
"Okay. We'll just have to shimmy."
"Shimmy?"
"Yes, shimmy. We can shuffle off the bed, clean up, get their coats and pretend like we weren't overcome with lusty wrong feelings in the minute and a half we spent out of their presence."
"This is the plan?"
"This is the plan. Okay. One, two three ... ahhh - to the right, you idiot!"
"Well, how was I supposed to know you meant to the right!"
"Because it's the quickest route off the bed! We're nearer the right hand side!"
"Well, I'm nearer the left."
"You are not! We're attached, Spike, and--" [reaches to the right] "--I can touch the rug with my hand!"
"Well--" [reaches to the left] "--I can touch the bedside table with my hand, Slayer."
"Ugh! Why do you always have to argue with me!?"
"Why do you always have to argue with me!?"
[tentative knock]
[muffled] [clears throat] "Buffy, Spike?"
[whispered] "Oh shit."
[whispered] "Oh god, it's Giles, oh god."
[muffled] "Are you both, uh, alright in there?"
[loudly] "We'll be right out, Giles! Everything's fine!"
[muffled] "I didn't mean to disturb you, but the taxi arrived some time ago and--"
[loudly] "We'll be right out, Watcher!"
[whispered] "Spike, shimmy, shimmy!"
[whispered] "Okay, luv. One, two, three--"
[whispered] "Argh! To the right, asshole!"
[whispered] [faux-sweet] "Actually it's dead centre, sweetness. And I thought we decided on the lef--HAH ... stop doing that!"
[pinches her butt] "Ow!"
[muffled] "Really, there's no hurry!"
[loudly] "We'll be right with you, Rupert!"
[enraged whisper] "You pinch my butt again and I will--" [warning squeeze] "--rip.it.off. Let's just get out of this, okay? To. The. Right. Clear?"
[whispered] [gritted teeth] "Crystal."
[whispered] "Okay ... not so fast!"
[whispered] "Yes, by all means let's take our time, Buffy!"
[whispered] "Just let me get my leg over."
[whispered] "That's how we got in this mess in the first place."
[whispered] "Okay, once more ... oh, thank god. Now, get the hell out of--ooh! What the hell are you doing!?"
[whispered] "You were being bitchy and squeezing and squirming around with my cock up your snatch, Slayer! What kind of restraint do you think I'm capable of?"
[enraged whisper] "Let go of my hips!"
[lets go]
[loudly] "We're just coming, Giles." [whispered] "Get dressed, Spike!"
[whispered] "There. Happy?"
[whispered] "Okay, grab the coats and, I don't know, air them or something."
[whispered] "Air them? I'm a vampire, not a tumble dryer, Buffy."
[whispered] "Just flap them about a bit ... oh for god's sake, just give them to me."
[opens door]
[bright smile] "Sorry, Giles. We were just, uh--"
[nauseous smile] "No, Buffy, that's quite alright. Really. Dawn's waiting in the taxi, so we'll just, uh--"
"Oh. Oh well, thanks for coming round. It was really nice to have Christmas here for once."
"Yeah, thanks for coming round to my house and drinking all my booze, Watcher."
"The pleasure was all mine, Spike, I assure you."
"Oh, here's your coat, let me help you."
[opens front door]
"Alright, well, thank you for having me. Merry Christmas to you both."
"Safe trip! Merry Christm-- oh shit!"
[turns round] "I beg your pardon?"
[covers Buffy's mouth] "Not a thing, Watcher. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Bit!"
[Dawn waves from taxi]
[door slams]
----------------------------------------------------------
... ring ring ... ring ring ...
"Hello?"
"Buffy?"
[pout] "Dawnie! You didn't even say goodbye before you left."
"Yeah. The reason I didn't say goodbye is the same reason Giles's coat was stuck to the backseat of the taxi that took us home last night."
"Oh ... ew."
[laughs] "Yep. It's given a whole new meaning to White Christmas."
Chapter End Notes:
The End. What do you think? Too gross? Oh, who cares, it's Christmas :D