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Author's Chapter Notes:
FYI...2nd chapter of the day.
Spike woke the next morning with Buffy snuggled closely to him, her head resting on his shoulder, her hand just over his heart. Carefully, so as to not wake her, Spike lifted his hand to sift his fingers through her hair. Tilting his head to the side he glanced at the clock to see that it was nearly eleven. It had been late when they had drifted off to sleep for the final time. Spike grinned as he recalled the night before. Buffy had been perfect. Everything about yesterday had been perfect; his only wish was that it would have been real. Yes, they were really married, but it was just a piece of paper gotten to protect her. However, not matter how it had all started out he was determined to take advantage of this chance with her. She had let him into her bed; perhaps she would let him into her heart. He loosened his grip when he felt her begin to move against him. Looking down he watched as she blinked her eyes open.

Buffy didn't want to wake up. She had had the most pleasant dream. In it Spike had made love to her all night long. But as she drifted out of sleep, she felt the strong arm around her, and the warm body she was snuggled up against. Oh god, it hadn't been a dream. She and Spike had had sex. She was naked and he was still holding her tightly against him. For a moment she wished she could go back to sleep, just to avoid what she was sure as going to be an awkward conversation. Instead, she rubbed her cheek lightly against his chest and blinked open her eyes.

"Morning, love." He whispered softly, nuzzling the top of her head.

"Morning," was her shy reply as she tried to snuggle closer, the hand on his chest lightly tracing random patterns as it drifted down to his stomach.

"Last night turned out a little differently than planned," Spike said carefully, wondering what her thoughts were. He was grateful that she hadn't immediately pulled away from him. He felt her nod against his chest and tensed for a moment when she said nothing. He waited a few minutes then carefully grasped at her head to tilt it back so she was looking up at him. Holding his breath he asked the all-important question. "Regrets?"

"No," Buffy replied quickly. She had no regrets. At least not yet. "You?"

Buffy suddenly became nervous when he didn't respond right away. She started to slip away, but Spike felt her move and quickly tightened his grip on her waist. "I don't regret making love to you, Buffy. I just wish it hadn't happened under these circumstances. Wish this wasn't happening to you."

Buffy sighed in relief, and smiled. "Thank you. But in a way I'm glad that it is."

Spike looked down at her strangely and Buffy hurried to explain.

"It's just, if it hadn't we wouldn't be here. I'm glad that you came back. I wouldn't want to be in this situation with anyone else. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't been here."

Spike stiffened at the mention of his return, but then quickly relaxed, not wanting that discussion to take place yet. Instead of thinking of that, he rolled them so that Buffy was on her back beneath, settling over her he nestled his hips between her thighs and bent to kiss her. Buffy opened her mouth to let his tongue in to tease hers, wrapping her arms around his neck to hold him close. She could feel his cock hardening against her, and she wrapped her legs lightly around him in an attempt to bring him closer.

"What should we do today, pet?" Spike asked a few minutes later breathing heavily and nuzzling at her neck. He was desperately trying to maintain control of his desire for her. "We could see some sites, or spend some quiet time here."

"I would prefer some quiet time here," Buffy replied softly. She wanted to spend as much time with him like this, knowing that when they got back to Sunnydale everything could change. They probably didn't have forever, so she wanted to make the most of their time now.

"Really?" Spike asked pulling back to look at her, his blue eyes sparkling. Buffy nodded, letting her hands rub slightly up and down his sides. Spike groaned and thrust his erection against her, desperately wanting her again. Knowing that last night had been her first, he was sure she was probably a little sore, and not quite ready for the encore that he desired. No doubt they would get to it later, but now he needed to pamper his girl. He pressed a final quick kiss against her lips and pulled away to climb out of bed. "Stay here for a minute, pet. Be right back."

Buffy watched in surprise as he got out of bed, not bothering to put on any clothes. She watched him walk into the bathroom, and then blushed as she thought about how comfortable he seemed to be with his nudity. Sitting up in bed, suddenly feeling very self-conscious about the fact that she was naked, she wrapped the sheet tightly around her. Moments later she heard water begin to run and then Spike reappeared. Buffy squealed as Spike swiftly tore away the sheet and lifted her up into his arms.

"Spike! What are you doing?" she buried her head in the crook of his neck, her cheeks flaming in embarrassment. Spike chuckled. He found it amusing that she was shy about by being nude in front of him especially after all they had done the night before.

"We are trying out the hot tub, love." He informed her as he sat her down carefully by the edge of the tub. He kept one arm around her waist as he leaned down to test the water temperature. Satisfied with the heat Spike lifted her up once again and carefully placed her in the tub, quickly climbing in behind her. Once he sat he pulled Buffy down in front of him, settling her between his legs and pulling her back so she would lean against him.

"Mmm…This is wonderful," Buffy said grasping Spikes arms and wrapping them around her midsection as she relaxed back against him.

"Perfect," he murmured in response, pressing kiss into the hollow of her shoulder.

They sat in companionably silence for quite a time, Spike resting his head on the back of the tub, just enjoying holding Buffy in his arms.

"Spike?" Buffy asked suddenly.

"Mmm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, pet."

"I know I asked this before, but I'm wondering if now you'll tell me why you left?"

Spike sighed and leaned forward to rest his head on her shoulder. He knew he was going to have to explain it all eventually, but he still wasn't ready. Things were going so well at the moment, he was sure it would mess everything up. He wanted to build up her trust in him. Hoped that maybe she could learn to love him. Then, perhaps, he could bare his soul. It wasn't just a story of what he had been doing or where he had been working. His reasons went farther back than that. Back to a time when Spike was William, and his heart had been ripped out, trampled on and left for garbage. His biggest worry was that somehow, Buffy had gained the power to do that very thing.

"It's a long story, love, and…"Spike let out a quick breath. "I just don't think I'm ready to tell it right now."

"Okay," Buffy replied quietly, wondering what had happened that made him so reluctant to talk to her about his time away and why he left. Surely it didn't have anything to do with her. If it had he wouldn't be there with her now, would he?

"I promise you that someday soon we will sit down and I will tell you everything. You deserve to know. I…I just can't talk about it right now. I want to enjoy this time with you." Spike moved his head so he could look her in the eye. "This, right here, with you, this means so much to me, love. It's more than I ever expected to have with you. It's more than I deserve. You don't know how much it means to me to have you here, in my arms, trusting me."

Buffy blinked back tears at his words, touched by the passion and sincerity in his voice. "Okay." But she wasn't ready to give up just yet. She was willing to wait on learning why he left, but she wanted to know more about her stalker. Now that they had gone through with the plan and hopefully things were set to hopefully catch him, she wanted to know more. "I…I don't want to spoil the mood and I'm willing to wait for you to be ready to talk about that, but…can we talk a little about my stalker for a minute?"

Spike sighed and leaned his head back against the edge of the hot tub. "What else do you want to know, pet?"

"Exactly how long have they been coming?"

"There's been letters coming for nearly a year," Spike admitted, head back and eyes still closed. He really didn't want to see her reaction. He knew she would be upset. A part of him wanted to lie to her and tell her that it had only been a few weeks, but he knew if he did that when she found out later on it would ruin any chance he had with her.

"A year!" she squealed sitting up and twisting around so she was kneeling in front of him. Instantly aware that her breasts were now above the water line and in plain sight Buffy blushed and quickly crossed her arms in front of her.

"Yeah, they started out pretty harmless I guess, more what you would expect from a secret admirer. But the last couple months they've been getting out of hand." Spike reached out to grab her and pull her back into his arms.

"This has been going on for nearly a year and no one thought to say anything to me until now?!" Buffy said pushing his hands away. She scooted back away from him out of reach, not quite sure she liked what she was hearing from him. "Do you think I'm a child or something?"

"No!" Spike said quickly, realizing that this was quickly getting out of hand. "No one wanted to worry you, love. 'Sides, they didn't seem to be a problem until a couple months ago. At first it didn't seem like there was anything to worry about. Giles called me right after they started, but we decided not to say anything to you until they got worse."

"Called?" Buffy said a confused look on her face. She looked at Spike curiously. "You mean he talked to you. Why would Giles call you when he could talk to you face to face? Your office is just down the hall from his." None of this was making any sense to her. Was Spike involved more in this than just being the guy they picked for her to marry?

"When he called, love, I wasn't just down the hall, Angel was." Spike said carefully, knowing full well the conversation was close to taking a turn into dangerous territory and the very conversation he had just told her he wasn't ready to have.

Buffy looked at him in surprise, her mind not quite putting together the timeframe.

"What do you mean? Where were you?"

"Somewhere else, think about it, Buffy. I've only been back in Sunnydale a couple of months now. Angel decided to go off and do some stuff for the camp and I decided to come back and help out."

"And you came here just to help out, purely out of the goodness of your heart?"

"Yeah, why?" Was it so hard for her to believe that of him? Granted he had come back for more reasons, but his motivation was truly because of his love for her.

"I don't believe this! I have had a stalker for nearly a year and I'm just now learning about it! I mean, I knew there had been other notes, but not for an entire year!" Suddenly to Buffy the problem wasn't where Spike had been, or why he suddenly had come back, but rather how long it had been kept from her. A whole year! How could they have kept it from her for so long? Why would they have kept it a secret? So many things could have gone wrong.

"Buffy, love, please don't be mad." Spike pleaded, hating himself for sounding so desperate, but she seemed to suddenly be very upset. He should have known things were going too well between them. He tried to reach out to her, but she evaded his grasp standing up quickly. Spike hung his head in defeat. Perhaps they should have had this talk before last night.

Needing to get away she stepped out of the tub and quickly wrapped a towel around her body. She needed a few minutes to really think. "Mad? I'm beyond mad, Spike, I'm pissed. I realize that you all care about me, but I'm 22 years old, Spike. I'm not a little girl."

"I'm well aware you're not a little girl, Buffy. Maybe you should have been told, but we can't change that now." Spike responded, getting angry himself. Why couldn't she accept that they kept it from her because they cared about her? They had wanted her to just have to worry about her skating; not some lovesick boy who didn't have the guts to talk to her face to face.

"Damn right you should have told me. What if something had happened to me the past few months? I could have been attacked and had no clue why. If I would have known I could have been more careful about stuff. I could have been able to protect myself!"

Spike clenched his jaw and got out of the tub, wrapping a towel around his own waist. He had seen Buffy like this before. She was going to be mad, and there was nothing he could say or do that would change her mind. Why fight about it?

"You're right. I'm sorry." He said and walked angrily out of the bathroom. Perhaps last night had been a mistake after all. What if he was wrong? What if the plan didn't work? A part of him wondered if he hadn't come up with the idea out of the desperate desire he had for her to be his. But the truth was she deserved better.

Buffy was shocked, her own anger suddenly gone as she watched him walk out, roughly pushing through the bathroom door. She had never seen Spike quite like this. She was the one who was supposed to be angry, yet he seemed angry too. She didn't understand why, but she knew she needed to. She hadn't wanted their morning to be ruined by an argument.

"Spike!" she exclaimed quickly following him into the bedroom determined to figure out what had just transpired between them. She found him rifling through his suitcase. "Spike…"

"Look, I'm sorry, Buffy. I don't know how to fix this for you." Spike slammed down the top of his suitcase and turned to face her. He knew she had a point in her rant. Looking back, he knew he should have known it would have ended up like this. Buffy was independent, and capable of taking care of herself. She should have at least been told something; maybe not the whole story, but something. He was angry with himself for fucking it all up. Things had been so good last night or so he thought; now they were arguing about her stalker. He hadn't wanted that.

"I don't want you to fix it, Spike." She said slowly approaching him. "I'm not mad at you."

"Yeah? Then who are you mad at, Buffy? I don't see anyone else in this room but you and me." His voice was hard and cold. Buffy could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Why did she have to mess things up by talking about her stalker?

"I don't know. I'm just mad. Wouldn't you be? I mean all of a sudden I find out in the last two days that my life could very well be in danger, I'm suddenly married to a man that I barely know anymore and I have no clue what is going on. My whole life has suddenly been turned upside down. How do you expect me to react?"

Suddenly Spike understood. This wasn't just about how long they had kept things from her. This was her finally reacting to the situation.

"Buffy…sweetheart, look this is all my fault. I should have told you, and we never should have married. Maybe if we woulda just told you none of this would have been necessary. You have every right to be angry with me. I fucked things up and now I don't know how to fix it."

"Spike, you're not responsible…" Buffy said bewildered by his reaction. She was surprised at how hurt she felt at his suggestion that they shouldn't have married. While she hadn't been a huge fan of the idea, she had warmed up to the opportunity to be close to him. Would that mean that he regretted what they did last night too? She took a deep breath, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill.

"Bloody hell, Buffy, yes I am. You may not realize it, but I AM!" Spike said forcefully, not looking at her, unwilling to see the anger and disappointment in her eyes.

"Fine, but I refuse to be angry with you about this. I'm sorry I lost it, okay? I just… I just don't know what to do or how to react." Buffy said, the tears finally spilling down her cheeks. "I feel so lost right now."

"What do you mean?" Spike asked suddenly looking up when he hear her voice catch. His heart broke when he saw the tears. He took a tentative step towards her wondering if she would accept comfort from him after he had yelled at her.

"I just feel so helpless."

"You're not helpless, love."

"But that's how I feel. My life has been completely turned upside down. I have a major decision to make about skating in the next couple of months, and to top it all off what happened last night…What we did…what we do in the future…"

"Last night was a mistake, Buffy, and something I don't think I can forgive myself for." He said forcefully, not realizing how much his words would hurt her. He didn't regret it, but he realized that maybe that had jumped the gun a bit. There was still so much between them that needed to get out in the open, adding sex into the mix just made things more unstable between them.

Buffy took in a sharp breath, suddenly feeling like he had just stabbed her in the gut with a knife. "Why?" she asked, her lip quivering, and her arms wrapping protectively around her waist. All of a sudden she felt very cold and exposed with just a towel around her.

"I took advantage of you. This marriage isn't real. What's worse is I didn't even care that you were a virgin. I just knew that I wanted you, and that my dream of having you was finally coming true. But that's not how it should have been for you, you deserved more for your first time."

"What on earth are you talking about? How should it have been?" Buffy was a little surprised that he seemed to care about something like that.

"Your first time should have been with someone you loved, and who…loves you." Spike looked away, unable to meet her gaze. Damn but he was making a mess of this. He loved her, but she didn't love him. How could she? He had never done anything to deserve it.

"Don't I get a say in any of this?" Buffy asked, deciding that she needed to take action, or things would only get worse. She definitely did not want him regretting the night before, and she didn't want for this weekend to turn into an uncomfortable few days of them avoiding each other.

"Of course you do, why?"

"Because I have a few things to say to you, after all it's my virginity…or rather now lack thereof… that we're talking about." She brushed the tears from her eyes, and took a step towards Spike, hoping he wouldn't push her away. "I don't regret last night, Spike, and I never will. What we did was right. It was the right time, the right place and the right people. This madness may be what brought us together, but it isn't what caused what happened between us."

"How can you not be angry with me? After everything? Knowing that there is still more that you don't know?" Spike watched her carefully as she took the final few steps to him. Tentatively she reached out to trail her fingers down his bare chest, elated when she felt him shiver beneath her touch.

"I'm sorry for how I reacted. I just wish I would have known this all along. I think it would have made this a lot easier to deal with. I may not like the secrets, and I'll admit I may have overreacted a bit just now, but I do appreciate the thoughtfulness. But like you said, we can't change the past, we can just move on from here. This guy is still out there and tension between us won't convince him that we're happily married."

"And sex will?" Spike asked, his voice harsher than he intended. Buffy flinched at his tone, but pressed on.

"I didn't say that, but last night was more than just sex, Spike. Even I know that." At least she hoped that it had been. She knew it had been far more for her, but his feelings were still a mystery to her. Last night he had cherished her, shown her so much, but that didn't equal love.

"What do you want from me, Buffy?" Spike asked, reaching up to grasp her upper arms and pull her flush against him.

Buffy took in a deep breath and looked up at him. "I want a real chance with you. I want a real honeymoon, and I want the truth from now on. I'm willing to wait until you're ready to tell me about the past two years, but I need to know that you will tell me someday."

"We can have that chance if that's what you want, and I can give you a real honeymoon. Fuck, but I do want that." He said fervently. "I promise that someday I will tell you, and probably sooner than you think, but right now…I'm just not ready to share."

Buffy smiled tremulously up at him, immensely relieved. "I'll take what I can get for the moment. I don't want to lose this chance."

"This wasn't supposed to happen, you know." Spike said bending to kiss her. His lips were soft on hers, teasing her as the hands gripping her arms loosened their hold and started to slide down her arms softly caressing her skin.

"But it is," she managed to get out between kisses, happy that their argument was apparently over and she was back where she truly wanted to be…in his arms.

"You have no idea how much I've wanted this…wanted you," Spike said, quickly unknotting the towel around her, letting it drop to the floor. His hands trailed up her sides to gently cup her breasts, as his lips teased her neck.

"I never expected this." She replied. "Never really thought you would want me like this?"

"Yeah?" he asked sweeping her up in his arms and carrying her over to the bed.

Buffy nodded as he sat her down on the bed and stepped back to remove his own towel. She scooted back where she could be in the middle of the bed with the best view of Spike disrobing before her. Her eyes shone brightly as he kneeled on the edge of the bed, and then prowled up the bed to hover over her.

"Always want you, Buffy. Always have; always will." He whispered before lowering his lips to hers.





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