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I never want to lose
What I have finally found
Delerium – Euphoria (Firefly)

*Spike’s apartment, a couple of hours later*
Spike and Buffy burst through the door. After they made out like the teenager she was in the hospital’s parking lot, he mentioned the missing Tara and the started their search for her. Soon enough Buffy had suggested going back to the only place the young girl they were looking for was familiar with in Sunnydale: Spike’s place.
They found Tara curled up on the couch, the smell of her tears heavy in the air. As soon as Spike knelt next to her he had an armful of sobbing young witch. Buffy hovered over them until Spike moved to the couch. She then took over comforting Tara while he went to the kitchen to get everyone tea.
The movements were automatic. He’d made the drink so many times he only realized he’d ended up making hot chocolate when it was time to throw in the little marshmallows. He chuckled to himself, shrugged, and took the tray with the drinks with him.
He didn’t get far. As soon as he stepped into the small hallway connecting the kitchen to the living room he caught a snippet of the conversation between the two girls and couldn’t help but listen in.
“As soon as the nightmare stopped, I called my Dad.” Tara’s stuttering was nowhere to be heard, something Spike thought would take months to achieve. It never ceases to amaze him how much inner strength she had in her.
“The guy who was telling you you’re a demon. The guy who—”
“Yeah. I know. But didn’t your father ever say something like that to you? Something so bad, so…”
“Yeah, actually he did. Almost locked me up in an insane asylum when I told him I was the Slayer.” The pain was obvious in Buffy’s voice, but it was clear she’d gotten a lot better with it.
“So you get it. They’re so…gah, but we still love them.”
“Yeah.”
After a short pause Tara picked up the thread. “So I called him.”
“And?”
“I—I told him I knew the family legend was full of lies, and that I never wanted to hear from him again.”
“Wow. That’s like, a big step. You sure about it?”
“I am.” Spike could hear a smile in Tara’s voice.
“Double wow. Go you.”
“Yeah.” There was a brief pause. Spike almost made his way in when Tara spoke again. “Go you, too.”
“It’s new. I’m all with the butterflies, and stuff.”
“Are… Are you sure?”
“His nightmare was him hurting me. Mine was me losing him. When the nightmares forced me to kiss Angel… The look in Spike’s eyes… God, it tore right through me. That’s when I knew. When Angelus threw me in my grave, while he was piling dirt on top of me… I knew I wanted to be with Spike.”
His hands were shaking. The hot chocolate wasn’t so hot anymore, so he stumbled back into the kitchen to freshen it up. He almost hyperventilated while his hands were busy with the drinks, which was a very strange feeling for a vampire.
She loved him. Buffy loved him, Spike. Buffy loved Spike. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it.
He made his way back to the girls and listened to them talk as if they were two long lost friends. Which, for him, they were. His heart soared. He was home.
*
There was a knock on the door. Spike didn’t expect company, so he raised an eyebrow at Tara. She shrugged and shook her head. Since the nightmares had come to life and transformed her into a demon being taken back by either her family, or the army, she had been more jumpy, but Spike was sure she would bounce back from it even stronger than ever. Proof positive being how she went to answer the door without his prompting.
“Hello. I’m looking for Sp—William?”
Spike hurried to open the door wider. “Joyce, come in.” He gestured to his soon-to-be landlord. “I was going to introduce Tara to everybody at one of the Scooby meetings. Uh. This is Tara. She lost her mother recently, and I managed to persuade her to move to Sunnydale to study magic.”
Joyce looked stricken. “You poor girl. I’m sorry for your loss. If you need anything you can count on me, okay?”
“Th-thank you.”
Before Spike had a chance to say anything, though, he was pinned by Joyce’s ‘mother bear’ stare. “We need to have a chat.”
Spike knew exactly what the tone of voice was for. “I know. I’ll not hurt your eldest, I can promise you that.”
“Oh, I know you won’t. ‘Cause you wouldn’t have been brought back by whomever it was just so you could hurt her. Also, you know if you do, I’ll make you really sorry.”
Spike gulped. “Now, now. No need to bring out the axes now, is there?”
“There better not be.” She sighed and took a seat in an armchair. “Look, I like you. You know that.” Spike nodded. “Buffy’s so young, though. She doesn’t know what she wants. And she’s human. She deserves to walk in the sun, have children, and grow old with someone.”
He sighed and took a seat on the couch while Tara retreated to her room to let them talk in peace. “We’ve had this talk before, Joyce. She’s not a simple human. She’s so much more than that.”
“I don’t care about that, she’s still my baby.”
“She’s the Slayer first and foremost. The whole world is full of people she takes care of. In a way, you’re all her children. That kind of responsibility ages you fast. She may be sixteen, but she’s already lived a lifetime as a Slayer.” He struck the arm of the couch with his fist. “I’ll make sure she lives a lot longer than that.”
“But she needs someone—”
“She needs someone who’ll love her for who she is, all of who she is, not just the coed, or the woman, or the slayer, or the damsel in distress delusion, or anything of the sort. In my time she already tried with a bunch of wankers who couldn’t see her for what she was.” He raised an eyebrow. “And don’t think you know better than her who she should be with. She’s smart enough to make her own choices.”
“She’s still a child.”
“And I won’t be touching her until she’s a woman. I’m not Angelus, I can keep it in my pants for a couple of years. The only thing I need is to be next to her, to have her smile at me, and to love her.”
She seemed taken aback at that. “But—” She frowned and narrowed her eyes. “She needs to finish school.”
“Of course she bloody well does. College, too. The only reason William wasn’t a complete waste of space back in his day, was because he went to college.” He took a deep breath and leaned forward. “There’s a trinket buried under this town. Holy Grail for vamps it is. Would mean I could walk in the sun with her. I could give her a life out of the dark. She deserves it.”
Joyce lay back in the armchair. “Well… good. As long as we understand each other.”
“I think we do.”
She smirked. “Dawn is thrilled.”
He grinned. “The Bit always did have good taste.”
Joyce grunted in reply.
“So, how bad were the nightmares?”
Her eyes got big. “Can we not talk about that?”
“Fair enough.” He pointed to the bar behind him. “Drink?”
“Yes, please.”
*
Someone was pounding on his door. “My, my, aren’t I the popular chap today?”
Tara came back out of her room. “Want me to get it?”
“No, pet, but stick around. I have a feeling there will be more introductions to be made.” He went to the door, opened it, turned around, and waived Giles in.
“I came as soon as I heard. Is it true?”
Spike sighed. “Yes it’s true. I’m terribly handsome and a true devil in bed.”
“Do you think I’m joking?”
“No. I’m not joking, either. It really is a burden being as gifted as I.” He had to grin at the outraged expression on Giles’s face.
“Stop it.” Giles paced around the room. “I should have known better than to trust a—a vampire.”
“Really. Tell me how you really feel.” Spike couldn’t stop his hurt feelings to carry through in his voice.
Giles stared at him, then seemed to deflate and took a seat—in the same armchair Joyce had used earlier. He wiped his face with his right palm. “That’s not how I really feel. It should be. All my Council training is telling me you’re a terrible choice for my slayer. And yet… ” He sighed a deep, bone-weary sigh. “What I really feel… I just want to make sure… Bloody hell, man, I don’t know what I’m doing here. All I know is my sl—Buffy told me you two have started dating and I wanted to say… Please take care of her.”
There was a knot in Spike’s throat. He’d dreamed of hearing something like that for so long. “Of course I will. Until I’m dust.”
Giles nodded.
Spike collapsed on the couch, his strength seeped by the emotional roller-coaster.
Tara’s voice broke the silence. “Should I make you some tea?”

“Excuse me?” Giles seemed surprised there was another person in the flat, even though she’d been standing next to the door the whole time.
“Giles, this is my friend, Tara. She’s an aspiring witch who will be moving in with me and joining our little troop of merry do-gooders.”
Giles stood up. “I am pleased to make your acquaintance.”
Tara nodded and ducked her head. “Um, yeah. Tea?”
Spike chuckled. “I think the Watcher here will need something stronger.”
Giles flushed. “Isn’t it a tad early in the day for libations?”
“Oi. What did we say about you being a stuffy git?”
Giles opened his mouth as if to reply, closed it, and smirked. “Got a pint?”
“Atta boy.”
*
Giles left to pick Jenny up from school, Tara went back to setting up her room, and Spike dozed off in front of the TV. There was another knock at the door that woke him up.
“Will nobody respect the fact that I’m a vampire, and I need my beauty sleep?” Spike grumbled out loud while he went to see who it was going to be this time.
As soon as he opened, the younger members of the Scoobies came in, and started talking all at once.
Spike tried, but failed to understand anything in the chaos, so he raised his voice. “One at the time. You’ll blow out my eardrums.”
In the ensuing silence Jesse and Amy sat down—very closely together—on the couch, Xander let himself fall in an armchair, while Willow took the other one—the more popular one, at least for the day.
Spike sighed and took a chair from the dining room table. “What’s this invasion all about?”
Willow was the first to speak up. “You and Buffy.”
“What of it?”
“Well, she told us that you guys… That you and her… that, uh…”
“You and the Buffynator—right on.” Jesse grinned and gave a double thumbs up.
Spike sighed. “You lot here to stage an intervention?”
Xander frowned. “No. Why? Were we supposed to?”
Spike chuckled. “You’d be surprised.” He shook his head free of unhappy memories. “So if you’re not here to warn me off, then…”
Amy grinned. “We’re here to make sure you don’t screw the pooch.”
Spike blinked. “What?”
Willow blushed, but put on her resolve face. “You’re our friend, and she’s our friend. We really don’t want to have to choose if you ever split up. So, what’s your ‘A’ game?”
“Uh. I guess I was thinking we’d, uh, patrol together?”
Tara came out of her room to join the discussion. “You’re kidding.” She stopped short when she saw everyone was staring at her. She ducked her head and stammered. “He-hello.”
“Gang, this is Tara. She needed a place to stay away from her family, and so she’ll be my roommate for a while.”
“Dude. Not cool. A roommate of the female persuasion while you’re dating the Buffster?” Xander shrugged. “Not that I don’t get wanting to be where the family isn’t, but still.”
“Buffy knows Tara, you berk. And even if she didn’t, things between Tara and me aren’t like that.”
Jesse was nodding while looking Tara up and down. Amy scowled and punched him in the thigh, which made him about-face and focus on Spike. That earned Amy a grin from the vampire. “That’s what they all say, man.”
“W—we’re just fr-friends.”
“Of course you are. There is nothing wrong with having friends. Even friends of a different gender. Just like I have friends that are not with the being female. But that doesn’t mean there is any problem there. Not that there couldn’t be attraction between different members of the same group. I mean, Spike and Buffy are friends, but now they’re more, and that’s why we’re here. To help Spike with Buffy. Just—”
“Red, breathe.”
Willow followed his advice, drawing a big, gulping breath in.
Spike looked at Tara. “Funny as all this is, maybe we should tell them why they shouldn’t worry?”
Her eyes were wide as saucers.
“It’s up to you, but I would vote for.”
She visibly gulped and nodded once. “I… I don’t like Spike that way. I—in fact, he’s a bit too… male for me.” She ducked her head and watched the Scoobies’ reaction through her bangs.
“Wait. Wait. I’m missing something.” Xander looked around. “Is she saying what I think she’s saying? Pinch me.” He shoved an arm towards Jesse. “I think I’m dreaming.”
Jesse had turned to look at Tara again. “Right on, new girl. We should compare notes. I have the low-down on every girl that would go down. If you know what I mean.” His comment earned him a sharp elbow to the ribs from Amy and her shuffling to the other end of the couch.
Spike decided he liked the girl. He only hoped getting her training this early on would keep her from going to places like Rack’s and turning into a rat. Not that he remembered how she’d gotten trapped as a rodent in the first place.
Willow had turned as red as her hair. “I, uh, that’s great. I’ll just be over here, chewing on my foot.”
Spike thought he saw Tara grin, but couldn’t be sure because of the hair she was hiding behind. For a moment he wondered if the two girls would end up dating this time, with the way he’d changed things. He decided playing matchmaker for the witches wasn’t in his job description and that he’d let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps fate would step in. Maybe they’d find happiness elsewhere. Part of him hoped they’d find each other.
Having been lost in his thoughts, he was surprised to see everyone focused on him again. “What?”
“Duh, we still have to make sure you don’t blow it.” Amy shot a venomous glare Jesse’s way, which made its recipient wince.
“Right. Getting back on track.” Xander shook his head. “Patrol, man? That the best you can do? What’s next, homework?”
Spike chocked. He had thought about helping Buffy with her studies. His face must have betrayed his panic, because Xander’s jaw dropped.
“Oh my God, dude. You were thinking homework. Did you learn nothing? Where’s the suave seductive vampire thing?” His eyes grew large. “I mean that’s what they say in books. Not that I’d ever think of vamps as suave… or seductive. Nasty bloodsuckers. Present company excluded, of course.” He sighed. “I think I’ll be joining Willow for her foot meal. Don’t mind me.”
Spike collapsed in the chair he’d pulled closer earlier. He raised pleading eyes to the room “Help?”
Willow grinned. “That’s why we’re here, silly. Haven’t you been listening?”
“Oh, thank bloody fuck.”
“I think you should take her out to the movies, or a club, or both.” Tara leaned against the wall as she came up with her suggestion.
Amy nodded feverishly. “Yeah. And maybe do something about your wardrobe. I mean black on black with black is, like, so not in.”
“In… what?” Xander’s eyebrows were as high as they could go.
“In fashion, duh. I swear, it’s like talking to a wall.” She eyed Jesse’s mismatching outfit. “A badly dressed wall, who’d better shape up if it wants to do any parking.”
Jesse and Spike exchanged horrified looks. “But, I—”
“I’m not changing my look for Buffy. She should like me for who I am, not for my clothes.”
“Really?” Tara had raised an eyebrow in challenge.
Spike deflated. “Bloody, buggering, fucking hell. Just… tell me what I should do and I’ll do it.”
The three girls gave him toothy grins.
He was scared. During the following crash-course in teenage dating in the ‘90’s, one thought hit him out of nowhere.
Buffy had been systematically telling the most important people in her life about their brand new relationship. There was no hiding, no shame, and no put-downs. He spent the rest of the afternoon with a stupid grin on his face.

Euphoria (Firefly) lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC





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