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A/N thanks to April of course, she mends my grammar

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"Buffy." She jumps guiltily at the sound of Angel's voice. Mercifully, she is now alone, Spike having fled the moment they arrived back at the hotel, running off to find his slayer—and really, who could blame him after Buffy the super slut made a pass at him in the graveyard? Oh, she'd got the message loud and clear: “nothing happened here, pet,” and the intense look—all right, she got it already. Why hadn't he just come out with it and said, “keep your mouth shut”? What did he think, she was going to try and break him and Carlotta up?

"Hey." That's best, sentences of one syllable so as not to give herself away.

"Giles called a meeting. Dawn told us you went patrolling." His voice is full of disappointment and a trace of anger, and for an irrational moment she is afraid that he knows what she did. "Buffy, how many times have we talked about this? You shouldn't patrol alone; if you want to patrol, you should join one of the teams. It's safer." He sighs and shakes his head. "Well, at least you had Spike to watch your back this time."

She feels her eyes widen at the vampire's name and curses herself for being so readable. "Yeah, he's good with the back-watching." She turns away, flustered. "Are they waiting for us?"

Willow’s explanations are always confusing, but today Buffy is completely lost. Although she doesn't know if the cause is the rambling commentary on the nature of African blood magic or the sense of guilt that bites at her every time she looks at Angel or Carlotta. Or the memories of the kiss she shared just an hour ago with the vampire who is now studiously avoiding her gaze. God, she's such an idiot. Things were going so well with Spike and the whole getting-along-and-being-friends thing. But just mix up a few innuendos and a bit of rough 'n' tumble, throw in a sexy smirk, and she's trying to stick her tongue down his throat. Stupid, slutty Buffy.

"Most of the ingredients are pretty run of the mill." Finally, Willow is getting to the nitty gritty. "But the spell calls on the blood of 'one that should not be.' It's not clear, but it seems to be to do with vampirism and it talks about an 'abomination.'"

"The spell is complex and volatile," Giles continues, and she tries to concentrate on the matter at hand. "Despite Dawn's best efforts, the translation is a little unclear and we are by no means certain our suggestion will work. However, I can see no harm in trying."

"Suggestion? What suggestion?" Something in her watcher’s tone has alarm bells ringing riotously in her head.

"We think we might be able to use Spike's blood." Willow once again takes up the baton. "I'm not certain it'd work, but vampire with a soul, pretty high on the list of things that shouldn't be. And no offence, Spike, but you may even fall into the abomination category, you being all against nature and stuff." She shrugs and gives the vampire a small, apologetic smile.

Following her friend’s gaze, she sees Spike and Carlotta visibly tense, the vampire’s expression pained, his lover’s worried. It is the latter who speaks. "Spike's blood will not be of use to you in this spell," she informs them in a tone that demands they drop the subject.

No such luck. "It's a long shot, I know, I'm in total straw grabbing mode," Willow presses, "but it's worth a go. Vampire with a soul's really the closest we got to an abom…"

"You heard the girl, Red." Spike cuts her off without looking up, his face set in an expression of insecurity, barely concealed by defiance, a look she knows better than she'd like to. "I don't qualify."

By the looks on the faces around the room, she is a beat behind everyone else in realising the implication of Spike's confession. Shock, suspicion, maybe a little fear. Oh, God. “I don't qualify,” “vampire with a soul.” Oh God, it's gone. The soul he fought for in Africa, the soul he returned from the dead with intact, the soul that made him something more than a monster. His soul is gone and she can't even think, because he's just the same as he always was, because he's here with his slayer girlfriend helping them research and hanging out with her sister, and, oh God, she kissed him just an hour ago and it was Spike and it was the same—he was the same.

"So you know." There is almost relief in his voice, an exhausted sadness that makes her long to touch him. "Evil, disgusting thing." The words are not directed specifically at her, but she feels as if he is rubbing them directly into her face. "Monster."

She wants to say something, do something, but she can't move or think. Carlotta beats her to it anyway. She has his face in her hands and she is looking determinedly into his eyes. "No, amando," she whispers emphatically. "Never that. I've known monsters; all my life I've known them. You are not one of them, not anymore."

Carlotta pulls him towards the door. "Come now, my love. Come rest with me," and she is suddenly so grateful for the girl. So grateful that there is someone here who will stand with him, comfort him. Someone who has the courage to love him just as he is, someone brave, someone far braver than she is.

"What?" It is Xander's voice that breaks the silence, stopping the couple at the door. "So we're just gonna let that thing stay here to murder us all in our sleep?" He turns to her and his expression is pure challenge. "Buffy, I think something needs to be done and I think we've got enough slayers here to do it."

"Xander, please." The last thing she wants right now is a confrontation with Xander about this. "Spike's on our side okay? Has he given us any reason not to trust him?"

"We don't need a reason not to trust that." He points disgustedly at Spike. "Come on, Buffy, we know this one. You told us often enough when Angel came back from his little killing spree. Soul good, soulless bad." He steps towards her, and he is so angry she doubts he even knows what he is angry about. "The soul's gone, Buff, so all you got there is an evil, murdering bastard." He gives her a look and she knows what’s coming; he is wheeling out his big gun, maximum damage coming up. "Or did you forget the night he tried to rape you?"

And just like that, everything stops, everyone is still and silent and there is only her. She is the only one who can speak and she has to say something because otherwise they will all just stay like this, frozen forever in this moment. "No, Xander, I didn't forget," she tells him through clenched teeth. "But I forgave." She keeps her eyes on Xander, but her hearing is tuned to the sharp intake of breath from the vampire and the barely audible, "Buffy?" that follows.

"Don't say another word, Xander, I'm warning you." She keeps her eyes on her friend as she speaks again. "Go to bed, Spike. There's no problem here." And she could cry because Xander is looking at her like she is dirt, and he has never looked at her like that before. She hears the door close behind her and almost sighs in relief.

Spike is gone but his slayer has stayed behind, and her eyes are burning with ice-cold fury. "I have no enemies here," she tells them, her eyes slowly scanning the group. "But if I perceive that that which I love is threatened, I will strike first, and it will be decisive." She is looking at Xander when she issues the threat, and then she is gone, going to her love's side all passion, faith and loyalty, and Buffy has never felt so deficient.

...................

A/N I know, I know, but I love Spike soulless and I want him loved just that way, so in all of my stroies I have to find a way to get rid of the soul, he doesn't need it to love and he shouldn't need it to be loved! Deep breaths Bear, try an dkeep calm!

I love reviews, but I think there as rewarding for the reviewer as for the author, try it you might like it.

Thanks CordyKitten, misunderstanding keeps the wheels of prose turning, so Buffy and Spike will continue to think at cross purposes until the big finale xx

You just want me to write some dirty sex scene in the graveyard don't ya enchantress? Sorry you'll have to wait, let the tension marinate a while longer xx

Thanks to Pin too for her emails xxxx

Kissess for all, but be careful when kissing thebear sometimes she gets over excited and bites!





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