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A/N Not the quickest chapter turn around ever but ticking along at the moment. Hope you Like

As always thanks to April for being a fantabulous proof reader :)

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"I love you." She hates to break the kiss but she simply must tell her lover how she feels; she is so relieved that they can be together again. "I'm so glad you're okay now."

"Me too." The dark eyes sparkle with jubilation. "All thanks to you. You're so clever. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have you."

She feels herself flush at the compliment and looks coyly away. "Well, not just thanks to me. Really it was Carlotta." Guilt clouds her good mood and she sighs heavily.

"Then I'll make a point of thanking her personally just as soon as you and I make up for all that lost time while I was sick." Kennedy's kiss is sensuous and joyful, an expression of life that she wants nothing more than to lose herself in completely. There has been so much death. Would it be so bad to celebrate life here with her girlfriend?

Guilt twists again in her gut and she slumps away from Kennedy's searching hands. "What's wrong, baby?" Concern narrows her eyes and a small frown mars the perfect skin of her forehead.

"You can't thank Carlotta." She shakes her head and chews on her lip nervously. What will Kennedy think of her now? "Well, you could, but it wouldn't do much good. Carlotta's gone insane."

Her girlfriend shakes her head uncomprehendingly and she rushes on with the explanation. "Carlotta turned herself into a vampire to save you—all of you. But she's mad now. We've got her sedated and chained in the basement."

For long moments Kennedy just looks confused, blinking and shaking her head. "How could she do that? I mean, make herself a vampire? Surely Spike wouldn't have helped her. He loves her."

"No, Spike didn't help her." Deep breath and come clean, that's all she could do now. Kennedy would find out one way or another anyway. "I did. I know it was an awful thing to do, but she knew how to stop the disease and I was so scared for you."

It seems to take a few moments for her words to sink in then Kennedy is on her feet and backing away eyes full of disbelieving anger. "You did what?"

"I helped her" she rushes the confession. "I had to, it was the only thing that would save you. I didn't want to but she was going to do it anyway and I had to help her, I had to save you" her voice is a pleading whine even in her own ears as she leans forward to try and grasp her lovers hand.

Kennedy snatches her hand away and stares at her with flashing tear filled eyes. "God Willow how could you?" she shakes her head and takes another step back. She was a slayer, don't you have the slightest idea what that means?"

"Please baby, don't be mad I had to do something for you. I did it for you"

"And it makes me sick. I can't even look at you." Kennedy's disdainful expression is painful to see after everything she went through to save her. "I'm going don't follow me"

The tears come as soon as the door closes, pain, rejection and guilt making her eyes flow with tears. Now that the manic worry is gone, now that Kennedy is okay, there is nothing keeping her from the reality of what she has done to Carlotta, and there is nothing to do but bury her head in the pillow and cry.

…………………………..

"I'm not certain how much more we can do." Giles' voice is weary and it's understandable that he doesn't have a lot of energy left to think about this. The slayers have been stripped of their power. Only the immunes—those truly destined for the calling—have retained their strength. She isn't clear on the details of the spell Willow performed, and she's fairly sure she doesn't want to be. Someone tried to explain how the power in Carlotta's vamperised blood—and that thought alone is enough to make her shudder—was used to stabilise the imbalance of power within the infected slayers. She doesn't understand but she suspects the spell was done in desperation rather than confidence, and it was probably more due to luck than judgement that it hadn't killed them all.

"Well, we have to do something." She may not be a slayer anymore but she still has the confidence and authority of the calling. "We can't leave her—what, did Buffy say? —comatosed."

"I'm with ya, man." Faith, leaning languidly against the far wall, adds her husky drawl to the cause. "We owe this chick big time."

She turns her face expectantly to Giles. If anyone can find a solution it is the watcher; she has learned to respect him over the last three years and has complete faith in him now. "Do we know why she's so crazy? Maybe that's a good place to start. If we understand that, we can help."

"I really don't think you can. Carlotta is insane because of the essential opposition between the powers that her body now houses. There can be no amity between her demon and slayer parts. The demon is essential: it keeps her alive, or undead. And if the spell that saved you didn't remove the slayer essence, I doubt there is anything else we can do."

"We have to do something," she repeats more forcefully. Willow did this terrible wrong to save her, and it is up to her now to right it.

"She's right." Buffy's voice, calm and sure, brings the room to attention and she finds herself reminded of Sunnydale. Of Buffy, the chosen one, alone and detached, a strong and commanding general. How has Buffy slipped back so seamlessly into that old identity while she is still floundering in her lack of power?

"We do have to help Carlotta. Kennedy, go and get Willow. We'll need her for this." Buffy must misread her hesitation as an attempt to protect her girlfriend, because her mouth hardens and her eyes flash dangerously. "Get her, Kennedy," she orders curtly. "She did this; she's damn well going to help fix it."

"Buffy." Giles stands and faces her; the watcher at least is not cowed by his slayer's authority. "I appreciate what you are trying to do, and doubtless we have an obligation—a debt of gratitude—to Carlotta, but perhaps the more pressing matter is that we now have only a handful of slayers left. It is not unreasonable to expect a demon backlash after such a long period of slayer domination."

"We've got fourteen." Buffy dismisses his concerns. "That's still twelve more than there used to be. Faith, can you and Robin cover getting the girls organised? Contact Mr Patterson in London. I know he's unbelievably stuffy but he's good. He can sort things out on the Europe side. I think he's got two girls out there, and Maria's dying to go home; she can take Emily back with her, too. That leaves you eight fully-fledged slayers to share between Cleveland and the rest of the Americas."

"I got it, B. You and the old guard just concentrate on paying our debt, okay?"

Buffy smiles gratefully at the dark slayer before turning to Giles again, obviously satisfied that slayer business is taken care of.

"Buffy—" She interrupts the blonde before she can speak. "What about the rest of us?" Buffy surely doesn't think it is over for them. "I mean us, us non-immunes. What about us?"

"You go home, I guess." Buffy looks as if the answer were obvious. "You got un-chosen. Congratulations, you get to have a life."

"I don't think so." She is suddenly angry with the elder slayer. Does all they've contributed in the last three years suddenly count for nothing? "We may not be super strong anymore but we're still slayers. I can't see many of us walking away from the fight now. Normal life? Are you joking? What would any of us want with one of those?"

Something she has said has struck a nerve with Buffy: her pretty face is creased with deep thought. The faint lines around her eyes and mouth that mark the passage of time are cutting deeper. Then she seems to come to a decision, or perhaps it is a realisation. She nods once and turns again to Faith. "Talk to the ex-slayers, get volunteers. Those who wanna keep fighting can form tactical support groups for the slayers."

"Buffy, really, I think…" But Buffy isn't about to listen to her watcher's protests.

"Faith and Patterson can handle it." Her voice brooks no argument. "As soon as we've found a way to help Carlotta, we'll join them." Again she turns to Faith. "I know you and Robin like to do your nomad thing, so as soon as I can I'll come to Cleveland to take over the hellmouth."

This more than anything stuns Giles into silence and he looks for a moment like he will continue the argument. She must admit she is as surprised as the watcher. While Buffy has been active since the destruction of Sunnydale, she has been a figurehead, a guide and mentor. That she is so willing to return to the frontline is something of a shock.

"Buffy—"

"Later, Giles." Her voice is unnecessarily harsh; she seems to realise it immediately and softens as she turns to him. "I'm sorry, Giles. We'll talk about it later, I promise. Right now, we need to concentrate on helping Carlotta."

"I'll get Willow." She is ready for action. They need to do this and quickly; the thought of leaving a fellow slayer to such a fate is abhorrent to her.

"Thanks, Kennedy. Get Dawn, too, and Xander."

…………………………………………….

She's a coward. She should have done it this morning when they woke up. She had been resolved to. It was time to make a break. Better for both of them if she made it quick and clean. But then Angel had woken up and smiled lovingly at her and thanked her for a wonderful night, and he had told her she was everything to him and promised her things would work themselves out.

He'd looked so happy, so full of renewed hope, that she had turned tail and fled like the big emotional scaredy cat she was, unable to face the agony of breaking his heart. She'd longed to go to the basement, had wanted to be close to him, even though she knew nothing could happen between them, even though she didn't know even how he felt about her now. She had wanted so badly to go to him, just to be close, close enough to know she could reach out and touch him.

She sighs and glances round the room: they are all here, rallying round, searching for the solutions just like the old days, but not. Xander's jokes are tired and jaded, and his eyes are hollow. Giles looks just plain old; his hair is more than flecked with grey now and the lines around his eyes which had lent him a rakish older man attractiveness are now just weathered creases in his skin.

And Willow. Even as she hates Willow for what she has done, still she can't help but understand. Flawed as her actions have been, her motives are all too easy to understand, trade a loved ones life for a stranger's? No contest really, she herself would have let the whole world burn to save Dawn not so very long ago. It is these moral inadequacies that make us human she supposes.

No it is not Willow's actions that keep the anger burning in her it is her refusal to truly accept any blame. She has mumbled excuses, "Carlotta would have done it anyway", "It saved them all", "I had no choice". She twists and turns and tries to wriggle out from under the weight of her culpability when she should at least try and bear the responsibility. Surely she owes them all that much.

With a sigh, she gets up and wanders to the adjoining library. This book isn't helping; none of the books are helping. This is unprecedented, unimaginable. No one has experienced or hypothesised about a slayer vamp. They are treading new ground with this. And it feels like quagmire under her feet.

"Buffy?" Giles' voice startles her from her thoughts and she spins to face him. "I wanted to ask you if you are quite sure about your decision to return to Cleveland. Even in the current circumstances, there are still enough slayers that you could—"

"Giles." She cuts him off and gives him a wan smile. "It's okay. I should go."

"My dear," he remonstrates softly. "I don't think even now anyone could doubt that you've earned your retirement. Let Faith and the others carry the torch. There's no need to disrupt your life any further."

She feels a wry smile tug at her lips as she flashes back to Kennedy's words. "My normal life?" She can't help but chuckle. How come Kennedy got it after such a short time and she'd been so wrong for so many years? "What the hell would I do with one of those?"

He seems to be having trouble understanding what she is saying, and she can understand that. Even she hadn't understood that the normal life she'd craved was not for her until she'd walked a mile in those comfortable but unfulfilling shoes.

Giles is speaking again and she focuses on what he is asking her. "Have you spoken to Angel about this?"

And suddenly he's exactly the right person to tell, quiet and non-judgemental, he is just what she needs. She also knows that if she tells him now then he'll know and she won't be able to back out later.

She shakes her head slowly and takes a deep breath. "No, I haven't." Meeting his eyes, she knows she won't have to spell it out. Giles is perceptive enough, he'll get it. "It won't affect Angel; he won't be coming with me."

"Oh, I...er..." A moment of confusion and then the expected understanding nod. "Ah, I see. And can we assume this decision has something to do with Spike's return?"

She gives him a rueful smile and shakes her head again. "Everything and nothing." He sits down on the steps to her right and she follows his cue and joins him. "There's nothing going on. I mean, with Carlotta and everything, and it's been years and I don't even know if he…" She closes her eyes and sucks in her cheeks in an effort to stop the flow of words. She really hadn't realised how desperately she needed to talk about this to someone. It should have been Angel or Willow, but neither of them could have her confidence in this. "I was losing him anyway, Giles. Angel, I mean. I've known for a while that it wasn't going to last. I love him, you know, with that little bit of me that's still sixteen years old and all starry-eyed."

He inclines his head and silently tells her he's listening. So she studies her nail polish and continues more easily. "But it's not real. It's not me. Not anymore. I've died since then. I've lost people. I've faced the worst of myself and the people I love. I've faced everything the hellmouth can throw at me and I'm still standing. I'm more the slayer now than I've ever been. The hellmouth—any hellmouth—is always going to be where I belong. It took me a while, but I'm okay with it now."

"And Spike?"

"I love him." A momentous confession, and yet it slips from her tongue with almost careless ease. "I always did, I think. Took a while to realise it, but I think I did." She slips into contemplative silence for a while but he doesn't ask her to say more, merely waits for her to continue. "It was okay when I thought he was dead. Well, no, it wasn't; it was terrible, but I could just love the memory and the grief and it was okay to carry on because, trite as it sounds, that's what he wanted for me. Then I saw him again and it wasn't okay anymore. It wasn't fair on Angel, or on me. I haven't told Angel yet. It's so hard, but I will. I'd rather be on my own than with the wrong guy."

"My dear girl" she hadn't realised she was crying, soft unobtrusive tears, resigned and subdued under the rough pad of his thumb as he wipes them away with fatherly care..

"It's okay Giles" and her smile is sad but genuine because perhaps it is okay. Okay to love and loose. She is reconciled to live without love, to offer up friendship and support in its stead and ask nothing in return. She is in the mood for letting things go. There is after all nothing worth having that can be held in place by force.

"I'm gonna check on Spike and Carlotta. You guys keep working on it."


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A/N - Sorry about the conspicuous lack of Spike in thsi chapter he's in it a lot next chapter I promise.

Thanks to all those who reviewed

Especially Pin who wrote me a fantastic long long email with lots of positive feedback and encouragement. Oh damn I think I didn't put the last chapter on Spuffy realm, they've been waiting ages. whoops!


Thanks to Samica, Vamps, prophecygirl, Beth and Cordy Kitten for reviewing. Sorry again about the delay in getting these two chapters to you. Thanks fro all your patience





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