A/N April is a star! Not only has she proofed this beautifully for me but she's going to set my next attempt to rights as well as she's already agreed to proof my next story "In Sheeps Clothing" coming soon (blatant plug ;)
Anyway...
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There is, she has come to understand, contentment to be found in almost any situation of life. She has learned in the two years since he left her that contentment is not a set of circumstances, a job, a home, a lover. No, contentment is a state of mind, an attitude of self.
It was a lesson hard learned in the first year after he left, a hard and dolorous year of impotent anger and numbing sorrow. A year of cracked porcelain smiles and unprovoked anger, of distancing herself from the very people she should have been drawing near.
She had been, as Giles told her when finally her behaviour exhausted his patience and he sat her down for the first in the series of hard talks she received at the end of that year, self-indulgent to the point of wickedness.
He had been right. His only mistake had been to indulge her himself for such a very long time. They all had, in fairness, none of them sure of how to deal with this hard, self-destructive version of her self.
It had been a tough year, one with too many lovers and not nearly enough love. A year of rushing headlong into danger not caring who was dragged along with her, of drinking foul-tasting spirits in tacky clubs filled with boys far too young for her, not one of which deserved the harsh education of her passing interest.
It was shortly after that talk with Giles—a long and serious lecture about consideration and responsibility that for the most part she ignored—that Faith and Wood had returned from their travels to settle on the Hellmouth. It was Faith who, finding her drunk and cantankerous, binge eating in an untidy apartment, summed up the entirety of Giles speech in one well-chosen phrase. "God, B, get a grip. It's been a year already."
Wake up call three had come in the unlikely form of Kennedy's clichéd but undeniably true appeal that, in continuing to ostracise Willow, she was hurting not only her girlfriend but herself as well, and, more importantly, all those around them. The two rings that left a missed call on the redhead's mobile was sufficient olive branch to bring Willow, nervous and hopeful, to her door, and that was enough for them both to know that they were better as friends than as enemies.
Finally, though, it was Xander who brought her to the resolution that she would not wallow a moment longer in the mire of self-pity that she had made her home for so many months.
"This is Claire," he'd introduced with a smile, a smile that for the first time in years had reached his one remaining eye. Claire hadn't lasted, of course, but the fact that she had existed was evidence enough that Xander was ready to at least attempt life without Anya. They'd made a pact that night over half a bottle of vinegary red wine, a pact to, "get over it and get on with it."
She hasn't had a one-night stand, a drink stronger than a glass of wine, or emptied the fridge since that night.
So here she is now musing on the finding of contentment as she watches Dawn and Xander in animated conversation with the latest in a handful of semi-serious girlfriends that have passed through Xander's life this year. She likes Rachel a lot; she is forthright without Anya's otherworldly bluntness and outspoken without being as openly rude as Cordelia, but she is enough like each of them that Buffy suspects she will last a good deal longer than her more recent predecessors.
There is contentment to be found, if you are ready to find it, in a job well done. In the occasional postcard from Angel, back in LA and working in PR with his fiancé, Emma. She likes to think that in a way he is living her normal life for her.
There is contentment in seeing Faith's swollen belly and Wood's proud smiles. In Dawn's academic achievement—and how come Dawn got all the brains? Contentment in finally letting go of anger and getting a friend back, in her watcher's pride and most of all in seeing the lives of her loved ones finally falling into place.
Love is not, as she once believed, a precursor to contentment, and perhaps she was meant to live her life without it. She has a sense now when she sees the happiness blooming around her like springtime flowers that everything is as it should be and she has found her place in the world.
"Hey, Buff." Xander's teasing voice interrupts her introspection. "I hear La-La Land's nice this time of year. Is it?"
"Ha ha." She smiles and rolls her eyes. "I was contemplating, not zoning. It's a whole different vibe."
His expression is serious and melancholy for a moment, but there is warmth and affection there, too, and she shakes her head at the implication. "No, Xander," she tells him silently. "I'm not thinking about him." But of course now she is thinking about him and as they pile into Xander's car she does zone out of their argument about which pizza place they should hit for lunch and lets her mind wander to the love she has come to realise she can live without.
She wonders if he has found his Lotta, if she is well enough that they can be together. If he cares for her like he cared for Drusilla for so many years and with so much devotion. For a long time she had been jealous of their imagined relationship, still too much in love with him to wish him happiness in another's arms, but she is older now and wiser, and she hopes that he has found whatever contentment his life can offer, just as she has.
She doesn't ask herself if he still thinks of her as she still thinks of him, because she knows that he must. He, too, she knows with absolute certainty, is as much in love with her now as he was when he walked away from her with his heart breaking in his eyes.
She talks about him now and then, with Dawn mostly and more recently with Willow and even Xander, who understands best of all that flawed love is perhaps the best love of all, and understands, too, that she may never let go of it. The others want her to move on, to date, "just for fun," and then maybe she'll "meet someone special."
She doesn't humour them. She won't date for fun or for any other reason. What would be the point? She has found her contentment, and no consolation-prize love will improve it. No, she is happy as she is with her slaying and her friends and her family around her. She wants nothing to disturb her now.
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A/N Reviews are like fine wine and I choose to savour them. Shame I don't have any cheese to enjoy with them.
Sorry if I hurt you Melissa let bear kiss it better xxx
Hey Annie, you know I didn't really feel the venom in that last "I hat Carlotta" you feeling okay ;)
Vamps - No sadness in this chappy just a kind of melancholy so you won't be needing your hanky.
Okay Songgal you gotta point Spike is proper cocky but you know I think that's what I love most about him.
Prophecygirl - The angst is winding down as too is the story I'm afraid. So glad you like it though.
CordyKitten - I knew when I posted the last one that the title gave it away and people would be all on no he shouldn't leave but he really kind of needs to. and see it hasn't doen Buffy any harm she's happy (ish)
Samica well unpredicatable is pretty much teh definition of Spike. I like the idea of her telling him making him angry, it kinda fitted them both so i went with it. Glad you liked
Kisses for all who read, Kisses, spanks and hanky panky for all who review. grrrrr
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