Buffy wrapped her coat around herself securely as she made her way to Sunnydale Liquors. She had a hundred dollars in her pocket. It was enough to get her by.
She reached the store and peered her head into the dark alley. It was just creepy.
She practically jumped out of her skin when someone tapped her on the shoulder, “Jesus Christ!” she whipped around ready to strike but then saw another old friend, “JACK!”
“Buffy,” he smiled happily.
They hugged merrily until Buffy pulled away and sighed, “It’s good to see you. I didn’t know you were still working for Nate. Thought you went freelance.”
He nodded and rubbed the back of his head, “Tried. Nate made my life a living hell. Figured once you got a good thing that makes you money, why not go with the flow?”
Buffy nodded in understanding, “I guess you're right.” Being clean was a good thing. She mentally sighed. Let’s not go all moral now Buff, “Do you have the stuff?”
He nodded, “Sure thing. I thought Nate had said you went in rehab though.”
Buffy bit her bottom lip, “I did. I’m done. This life sucks.”
“Are you sure you know what you're doing?” he raised an eyebrow.
Buffy frowned, “I got the money and you got the drugs Jack. Please, let’s just make the exchange so we can both get on with our lives.”
He sighed and nodded, pulling a small baggie out of his pocket in which he traded with Buffy for a wad of money.
“I don’t need to count this do I?” he asked.
Buffy smirked, “Did you ever need too?”
He paused before concluding, “Hang on so I can count the cash.”
Buffy giggled and nodded, “Okay Jack. You do that.”
He smiled and shook his head, tucking the money in his pocket, “Have a nice night Buffy.”
Buffy nodded at him, “You too babe.”
With that, Buffy stared on her way home.
**********************************************************
Spike watched Jack and Buffy with a frown. Stupid bint. He had to stop her. He loved her to bloody much to let her do this to herself.
He let her get almost out of his sight before he followed after her, his hands shoved deeply into his duster pockets.
He couldn’t help but feel that it was partly his fault as he followed after the love of his life.
**********************************************************
Buffy silently slunk up to her room. She cleared off a corner of her desk and set down a flat hand mirror.
She took her credit card and carefully divided a small amount of the white powder into three separate lines.
And there it was. Right in front of her. The thing that had haunted her endlessly for three years. Was she going to do this?
The white powder stared up at her, taunting her. Telling her she wasn’t woman enough to handle it. Telling her that it would make all the pain go away.
Oh she wanted to the pain to go away.
She leaned in to snort the first line before her bedroom door came barreling open.
Spike stood there panting. He had clearly been running.
Buffy wrapped a protective arm around herself, “What the hell do you want? Better question yet, why the hell are you in my house, in my room?”
He sighed heavily, “I can't let you ruin what you’ve worked for Buffy. It’d be the most bloody idiotic thing you could ever do. I love you to much to let you.”
Buffy let out a bitter laugh, “Yeah? Well then how come you're the reason I’m doing this huh? You made me feel like nothing more than a coke whore. I was just proving you right Spike.” Tears shone in her eyes.
He charged to her and picked her straight up off the chair, wrapping his arms around her. He buried his face in her arm and breathed deeply.
Buffy wanted to fight him off but it felt too good. She didn’t want to break the contact just yet.
“I didn’t mean it,” he whispered, “I’m a stupid git. Forgive me Buffy?”
she nodded against his chest and let her tears fall, “I’ve been clean three years Spike and the second you come back I can't handle it. Why is that? Why do I have to love you so much?”
“I thought you hated me,” he couldn’t help but smirk.
Buffy hit his chest lightly, “Shut up. I love you and I hate you so much it hurts. It hurts so bad.”
She was clear out sobbing now.
“Shhh, shhh, shhh,” he soothed, lying her down on her bed, “I’ll make it all better.”
She looked up at him with wide glassy eyes, “Will you hold me tonight? It doesn’t hurt as much when you're holding me.”
He nodded, “Okay kitten but first we should get rid of this.”
He was about to pocket the baggie but Buffy stopped him with a head shake, “Flush it Spike. Get rid of it. If you don’t I will.”
He sighed heavily and nodded. Sure he’d thought that he could just pocket it with out her noticing but it wasn’t working out that way. Bloody hell, “I’ll be back.” He started out of her room into the bathroom to flush it when her tiny voice stopped him, “Spike, I’m gonna save you know.”
He smiled slightly, “Yeah, I know.”
She nodded, “Good. Now I will be searching your pockets in the morning so I wouldn’t go in there and just flush the toilet to make me think you did it.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you luv,” he chuckled as he made his way into the bathroom.
He looked down into the toilet then at the baggie of cocaine. He was about to slip it in his pocket and plan on making it out before she woke up but then her face flashed in his mind.
Bloody hell.
The toilet bowl water splashed as he dropped the baggie in the bowl and flushed.
He made his way back into Buffy’s bedroom to find her sound asleep.
He smiled at her tenderly before crawling in bed with her and wrapping two possessive arms around her. He kissed the top of her head affectionately and whispered, “I love you,” before he followed her into sleep.
I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize
Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again
Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to
try
I'm lookin' for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin' is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem
Do you even know who you are?
I'm still tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No
Sorry girl, tell a tale for me
Cuz I'm wondering how you really feel
I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you
Cuz I'm just tryin' to make all my dreams come
true
Do you even know who you are?
Oh, yeah, yeah
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Oh, I wanted to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, oh I guess not
Do you even know who you are?
Oh, I'm tryin' to find
A rising dream or a superstar?
Oh, I have a all these dreams
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No, no
Do you even know what you are?
A rising dream or a fallen star?
Is life good to you or is it bad?
**********************************************************
AN: A bitter sweet chapter for you. I didn't want you all to think it was going to be all bad between the two but I have to warn, there is more angst ahead. Remember, nothing comes easily. Review if you love it, review if you like it, review if you even hate it.
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