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Black. The day was completely black. There was no color anywhere to be seen.
Ruby would have hated this, Buffy decided as she watched all of the mourning people. She would have looked each and every one of them in the eye and tell them to get over it. Buffy couldn’t just get over though. She didn’t know if she ever would.
Ruby had told her the day of the party that it would be her last time. That after this party she was going to get her life turned around. That as she thought about it, she’d rather die old and wrinkly than looking like a super model. Ruby had died looking like a super model. She quickly wiped away the tears that had leaked down her face.
She spotted Spike as the funeral let out. His face held no emotion at all. Buffy mentally sighed. It was his way of dealing. She hated it. She knew their relationship wasn’t perfect. Spike was known for pushing people away. Spike was known for pushing her away. She wiped her eyes once more and slowly approached him.
“Hey,” she said softly. He didn’t reply. He didn’t even look at her.
Buffy clamped her eyes shut, feeling tears form, “Spike talk to me please. You can't just lock yourself away in the land of denial forever. You need to talk to someone. You need to talk to me!” The last statement had came out as an outburst the brought a flood of emotions to the surface
He still wouldn’t even look at her, “Ruby is dead Spike and she’s not coming back. Not ever. You sitting around and bottling up all of your emotions will not bring her back! Please don’t do this to me! I love you and I want to help you. Please…let me help you.”
“Go away,” he whispered, his face still stony.
“No,” she stated firmly, “Why the fuck do you do this to me Spike? I just want to help you and all you do is push me away!”
“I don’t want your help Buffy,” Spike stated, “You can't even help yourself.”
Buffy’s eyes widened, “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?!”
He finally turned to look at her. His eyes were cold. Colder than she’d ever seen them, “It means you let me sister die you bitch! If you had been there to stop here she’d still be here!”
That was it, “You're blaming me for Ruby’s overdoes? Oh my fucking god! Don’t you dare you son of a bitch! She was my best friend and if I could take her place I would do it in a seconds notice!”
“Then I wish you could!” he snapped.
Buffy finally let the tears fall free, “Do you really?”
He looked away and then right back at her. He stood up and got up in her face, “Yes I do! I bloody fucking hate you! You're nothing to me Buffy! You never were!”
Buffy looked away. Her heart was in a million pieces. She looked him right in the eye before replying, “Goodbye Spike.” And then she was gone.
Just she was out of sight, Spike let his own tears come. He collapsed down in a heap, weeping his heart out, “Please Buffy baby, I’m so sorry. So bloody sorry. I love you so much. Come back.”
It made no difference. She was gone. He’d lost the two people he loved more than anything and it was his fault.

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Buffy stared at herself in the mirror and felt nothing but self disgust. She hated herself. She hated Spike. She hated Ruby. She hated her father, She hated her mother, She hated the neighbors. She hated everyone! Buffy finally lost it and punched in the mirror. She saw the bloody and the shattered glass but she felt no pain. She didn’t feel anything at all. She angrily swept all the contents of her vanity onto the floor in one furious swipe. It wasn’t enough. she turned to her chair and turned it over. She ripped the all the covers and pillows from her bed, following up by ripping the mattress of the frame. The shelves were next. All the pictures and trinkets were knocked everything off of ever shelf she could reach and ripped down the shelves she couldn’t reach to empty of their contents. The most depressing thing about the whole thing was there was no one to hear her.
Her legs finally gave out and she toppled onto the floor. She caught a glance of herself in the broken mirror and almost threw up. she disgusted herself.
This was it, Buffy decided. Ruby had failed but she wouldn’t. She was gonna get what was good for her.

I ain't no queen of hearts, I go through stages
I fall in love then complicate it
yeah, you know the feeling
w/out much hope just blind ambition
pretending that theres nothing missing
I always kept believing that...
more, I thought if I had more I wouldn't get so bored
but everything just left me empty
love walkin in and out of my door
wasn't good enough no more
well i dont trust myself life really sucks and...

First time I did it but I didnt do it
last time, thats when I really blew it
this time im gonna do it different cuz I know, I know, I know...
if I put everything I have into it
eventually I'm gonna get whats good for me

I'm just tryin to be creative
but everyones so oppinionated
wanna tell me what I'm feeling
cuz one man's junks another's treasure
when its done its hard to measure or keep on believing that...
more, if only I had more, I wouldnt get so bored
but I know its gonna leave me empty
life, walkin in and out of my door wasnt good enough no more
well I dont trust myself I'm gonna get stuck and...

First time I thought it but I didnt do it
last time, thats when i really blew it
this time im gonna do it different cuz I know, I know, I know...
if I put everything I have into it
eventually I'm gonna get whats good for me

Cuz I dont want to live my life wondering if only i woulda,
I shoulda, I coulda... but I didnt cuz I only blame myself
again...

First time I thought it but I didnt do it
last time, thats when I really blew it
so this time, this time, this time...
if I put everything I have into it
eventually I'm gonna get whats good for me

First time I thought it but I didnt do it
last time, thats when I really blew it
this time im gonna do it different cuz I know, I know, I know...
if I put everything I have into it
eventually I'm gonna get whats good for me

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AN: yup, I started another one. Tell me what you think and if you want me to continue pretty please cause I already have 2 other WIPs and if enough people give me positive reviews I’ll continue it.

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