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Chapter 11

“Buffy, might I have a moment? I have something I need to discuss with you.” Giles asked tentatively, interrupting a discussion between Buffy and Jenny.

“I’d be happy to go with you guys for the ultrasound, Buffy. Can’t pass up a chance to see those babies again, now can I? But we’ll take my car. You can’t tell me Angel’s car isn’t getting uncomfortable for you,” Jenny finished, starting to back out of the room. Giles caught the look his wife sent him during her retreat. It was a combination of “it’s about time,” and “be gentle.”

He had spoken with Jenny several times about addressing the Spike issue with Buffy. Even Angel had mentioned the problem, but didn’t feel he was in a position to convince Buffy to forgive Spike. They had all hoped that with time, Buffy’s wrath would soften and she would come around.

However, Buffy seemed no more forthcoming in forgiveness, than Spike was in forgiving himself. Truthfully, they were more worried about Spike’s growing obsession to watch over Buffy and Dawn. It started innocent enough with Spike checking the doors each night. Soon however, he’d added the windows to the checklist. They started getting worried when he was running phone lines to each room and when he began insisting that Buffy and Dawn needed to be driven to school and back. It was common knowledge that Spike attempted to follow them where ever they went unless accompanied by another family member. When Buffy and Angel acted a bit too cutesy for Spike’s taste, he left the house. But he usually only ventured as far as one of the more sheltering trees around the house, his cigarette butts testifying to his whereabouts. Spike had even taken lately to staying awake at night so that someone was on guard while the others slept.

“So, what’s up?” Buffy asked cheerfully. She looked happy, but her voice still held that quality that told him she was still putting up a little bit of a show. If one wanted a true picture of perfect happiness, Angel was the one to look to. The young man was sporting perpetual goofy grins and had a constant bounce in his step. Giles smiled to himself as he imagined just how quickly that smile would disappear when Angel was being wakened by screaming infants at three in the morning. It wasn’t a task he envied Angel, and certainly not one he desired to repeat again in this lifetime.

“Hello? Giles, you in there?” Buffy said, waving a hand in front of him and snapping him back to his present task.

“Oh, sorry. My mind wandered for a second,” he excused. “Why don’t you have a seat, I think it best if we had this discussion sitting down.”

The expression on Buffy’s face suddenly turned fearful, and Giles rushed to assuage her fears before continuing. “Relax, everything is fine. Still no word from your father. Dawn is passing all her classes. Warren and Tucker are still incarcerated, and Principle Snyder has yet to make any credible threats.” He watched as Buffy visibly relaxed, a sigh of relief escaping her. “However, I am very concerned about Spike.”

A brief look of guilt flashed across Buffy’s face before it hardened to resolved anger. “Spike’s not my problem,” she asserted.

“No, he’s not. But he is your closest friend. Or at least he was before the incident with your father.” Giles gently reminded her.

“Spike made his choice, and it wasn’t us!” Buffy supplied somewhat defensively.

“I agree that he’s made some very bad decisions. But we all do, Buffy. You’ve even admitted yourself that the long term results were possibly better because of what happened. I’m not saying you have to go back to the way things were before,” Giles continued.

“Why should I?” Buffy interrupted. “He had no reason for what he did. It was just a stupid thing that he has no excuse for doing!”

Giles studied Buffy for a moment. She was angry, certainly. But there was also confusion mixed in with it. The child really had no idea. He had convinced himself that she did know of the feeling both his sons harbored for her, and that she had simply followed her heart’s path to Angel.

“You honestly didn’t know,” he whispered out before realizing he’d spoken the thought aloud.

“Didn’t know what?” Buffy inquired. “That Spike's an idiot? He was banging Harmony. I think it’s safe to say that says a lot about his decision making skills, right there. And I don’t think it was Harmony pouring whiskey down his throat.”

Giles winced at the term she had used. He may have known of his sons’ activities, but that didn’t mean he had to truly acknowledge them. “Yes, well, I’ll choose to ignore the horrifying visual that just gave me, thank you.” This drew a knowing grin from Buffy. He swore that sometimes they said the things they did just to see his reaction. Having once again needlessly cleaned his glasses, Giles replaced them on his head before proceeding. “Buffy, have you ever considered why Spike was with Harmony despite his distaste for her?”

“Because she’s a skanky, vapid...”

Giles held up one hand to interrupt her, “Be that as it may...It never occurred to you that there was something familiar about the girl?” he asked. One thing he had learned over the years was that if Buffy came to a realization on her own, she would be much more receptive than if he simply told her.

“Familiar?” Buffy repeated. Her look clearly told him she was not getting the idea he was trying to convey.

“The hard way it is then,” Giles sighed out softly. “Harmony is blond. She is petite, and of a similar build as you, Buffy.”

“So, what? You’re saying Spike was with Harmony because she looks like me? Which she doesn’t, by the way.”

“Buffy, I may be old, but I certainly know what a young man in love looks like and Spike has been in love with you for quite some time. In fact, Jenny tells me it’s the reason Drusilla finally broke off seeing him. Not that I minded her doing so. It certainly wasn’t coincidental that Spike only turned to Harmony after he discovered your pregnancy. You have to remember that despite his facade, Spike is still William at heart. And William had just been confronted with the fact that your heart belonged unequivocally to Angel.”

Buffy sat stunned. Giles could almost read the million thoughts running through her mind.

“Buffy, you can’t ever punish Spike as much as he is punishing himself. But he does need your forgiveness. Neither of you can truly heal and move on without it,” Giles finished as he stood. Matters were now in Buffy’s hands. Only she could decide to offer or withhold her forgiveness. He just hoped that for everyone’s sanity she decided soon.

**********

“Did you know?” Buffy demanded as she stormed into the bedroom. Angel stopped his reading and looked up from the desk to see Buffy glowering at him. He could have feigned innocence. He could have danced around the issue and asked what she was referring to. But in the end, he decided that honesty would be best.

“Yes,” he responded, and watched her carefully, trying to gauge her reaction. “I think I’ve known for a while. I just didn’t really give it any credence until he told me himself when he tried to beat the crap out of me in the basement.”

“He never told me,” Buffy said, sounding very much like a small, hurt, child.

“Does it make a difference?” Angel asked, still unsure of her reaction to the revelations of the day.

Buffy looked into Angel’s eyes, “About us? No. But at least now I think I understand a little... maybe.”

Angel decided to go for broke and throw in his two cents. “Spike’s human Buffy. He made some of the worst decisions he’ll probably ever make. But he’s just a man, in love with the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world. I probably would have done something equally dumb if I were in his place. In fact, I was pretty bone headed myself for a while, but you forgave me. Just something to think about.”

Buffy nodded her understanding. It did bear consideration, but she needed to think a little more before deciding what to do. Something else Angel said was niggling at her mind just then.

“In the basement, did you come back to me because of what Spike said?” Buffy asked tentatively. Her eyes were downcast, but she was watching him through her eye lashes.

Angel took a moment to think over his answer, “I never left you, Buffy. I just, I saw the destruction that the attack brought, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“So you still loved me?”

Angel got up and moved to stand before Buffy, who had taken a seat on the edge of the bed. He squatted down so he was eye level with her and made sure she was looking at him before telling her, “I will always love you, no matter what. I never stopped, and I never will.”

“Do you still...want me?” Buffy stuttered hesitantly, eyes again turning downward as she started twisting the hem of her shirt with one hand.

“Every second of every day,” he told her, his voice full of complete conviction.

“Show me?” Buffy nervously requested, her hands wringing together. Her eyes kept peeking up at him and then back down.

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?” Angel asked, as one hand raked through his hair in his usual nervous gesture.

The hurt look she flashed him, told him that his response wasn’t what she’d wanted to hear. She was about to shut down and had already taken on the demure persona that was her usual method of coping until the moment would pass. Spike’s words in the basement about Angel’s fears making Buffy’s own fears worse rang loudly in his head. Angel decided that in this case, he needed to think more with his heart than his head and he leaned in and placed a tender kiss to Buffy’s lips. After a few seconds passed, it became much more passionate. Buffy’s own lips started to convey the urgency of her need, and her sheer hunger overwhelmed Angel. As the kisses heated, hands became insistent in their tasks of undressing the couple. Before either one could complete a coherent thought, the couple found themselves completely lost in re-exploring the other’s body. Angel’s mind finally pushed to the front when he found himself totally encased in Buffy. He froze and pulled back a little to study her, a look of panic creeping up his face. She gave him a brave smile, but all he could see were the tears escaping the corners of her eyes. Panic took over, and all he could think was that he had hurt her.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry, Buffy. I brought it all back. I’m sorry, baby.” Angel rambled and tried to withdraw, but Buffy held him firm in her grip with her arms and legs, then brought one hand to cover Angel’s mouth and silence him.

“Shhhh,” she smiled. “Angel, you didn’t do anything wrong. I needed this. I needed you, all of you. These aren’t sad tears. I can’t forget the bad part, but I finally remembered how good this could be,” Buffy finished.

At hearing her words, Angel felt even more guilt over his actions the last several months. Spike had been right. “I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner,” Angel said, one hand caressing Buffy’s cheek. “Spike tried to tell me, but I’m not too good at listening to him. I can only promise to do my best to make up for the time I’ve lost with you.”

Buffy smiled even more, as a fresh batch of tears spilled down her cheeks. Angel leaned down and kissed away each one, as he once more tried to show Buffy just how much he wanted and needed her. As she later drifted off to sleep, Angel’s arms encircling her as she snuggled up to his chest, Angel considered that in the morning he really needed to find Spike and thank him for keeping him from losing Buffy.

**********

They left the house in plenty of time to get to the doctor’s office for her sonogram. Unfortunately, about half way there they got stuck behind a semi on the interstate as a thick blanket of morning fog rolled in. Traffic had slowed to an almost painful crawl when no one could see to move. Jenny had called the doctor's office, who assured them they would work Buffy in when they got there.

Time seemed to expand as the car’s occupants found themselves making little progress, and unable to see anything beyond a few feet outside the car. Angel smiled as Buffy tried to stifle a giant yawn. The dreary fog was making her very sleepy, something she always seemed to be anyway. “Why don’t you lay down? I’ll wake you up if we start to move. Doesn’t look like this fog is lifting any time soon.”

Buffy smiled gratefully. “Twist my arm a little more, why don’t you,” she replied, squirming around in the back seat. She finally managed to get into a comfortable position with her head resting on Angel’s thigh. She saw Jenny look back and smile sweetly at them, telling them what a nice picture they made before turning her attention back to the highway and mumbling something about mutant fog and air pollution.

As Buffy started to drift off to sleep, she focused on the warm feeling of one of Angel’s hands on her swollen abdomen, and the other stroking her hair away from her face.

“Angel?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m going to forgive him.”

“Good, maybe now he’ll quit stalking you and Dawn,” Angel said, amusement clear in his voice.

“I’m serious,” she pouted.

“I know. It’ll make you feel better and that makes me happy.”

“mmm...me too,” she mumbled out in sleepy response. The rich timbre of Angel’s laugh filled the car. The last thing she felt was a gentle kiss placed on her temple as she surrendered to sleep.





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