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Riley watched as Spike moved around the room with quite purpose. Spike disappeared into the bathroom a moment, to reappear with a small towel in his hand and a cup of water. Then the guy opened the mini-fridge in the corner, popping ice cubes out of the tiny tray from the freezer compartment into the towel. After setting his items on the dresser, Spike turned and stared at Buffy for a long moment, the longing in the guy's face was so evident it was almost painful for Riley to look at. But then Spike ran a hand through his hair, schooled his face and knelt in front of Buffy, just a little outside arms reach of her. He got the distinct sense that Spike had done something like this for Buffy before.

For some reason, that thought made him a little angry. How the hell could the guy watch her go through this without getting her help? How could anyone have?

Spike was talking to her now as he was inching closer to her. At some point he had retrieved the ice and set it next to him on the floor. And then Buffy was in his arms, as she continued crying. He watched as Spike picked up an ice cube and began rubbing it on the back of her neck as she continued to cry. It seemed to be relaxing her a little, as the sobs that had been wracking her body were quieting down to a more modest level of crying.

"No, don't." He looked straight at Spike to see if he had heard him. He had, and was shooting him a glare.

"She likes it. Helps calm her down, you git."

"She doesn't need to calm down, she needs to face it!"

Spike just sighed and closed his eyes, but didn't stop with the ice.

"Look, man," Riley began. "I know she's been though a lot…"

"You have NO idea what she's been through!" Spike growled.

"I managed to draw a pretty good picture from what I could get her to tell me!" He was almost shouting now.

Spike looked at him with a wary eye, as if trying to judge if he was bluffing or if he really knew as much as he thought he did.

"Besides, you don't know everything, either. Her words, not mine." It almost felt good to throw that little jab at him. And it had worked. The guy was now looking hurt and a little confused as he stared at the wall.

"Reckon I don't at that," Spike finally replied. "No one does, except her."

"Why the hell didn't anyone ever get her to someone who could help? Any of the stuff I heard could break a person, much less all of it."

"Tried," Spike looked him straight in the eyes a minute, before looking back down at Buffy. They both realized she'd cried herself to sleep. Spike gently cradled her closer, and then stood up and moved her to the bed. Riley watched as he smoothed her hair away from her face, again with that look. That black hole was still swallowing him.

"Look, Cardboard," Spike said, walking around the bed, "I don't know what all you got her to tell you, only caught the last bit…"

"You're not making me like you any better, Spike." That got him a frustrated sigh from the guy.

"She tried, okay. Kind of hard when either no one believes you, or your dad has enough influence to make sure that no one else can get close enough to do anything. Besides, if you didn't know her, would you have believed even half of what you think you know, or would you think she was all sack of hammers, because there's no way all that happened to one person?" Spike gave him a hard look.

The more he thought about it, the more he mentally conceded that the guy might have a point. And now he had one more piece of the puzzle. Of course she didn't just have an abusive dad, she had the kind of monster that knew how to make sure he could keep her under his control. He'd had no idea about all of this, and she was his girlfriend. If she walked into somewhere and laid out everything he'd pulled out of her today, they probably would have thought her delusional or even schizophrenic. She really had done what she had to do and pushed everything away.

"Last person told her she couldn't help her if she didn't tell her everything," Spike sank down in the chair Riley had been sitting in earlier. "Buffy was afraid if she did they'd lock her away, or do something so she couldn't see the baby."

Riley sat there processing that a moment. It was mostly irrational, but not completely. Hadn't he thought about it earlier? A son. Buffy had a son. Two, according to Spike. That alone blew his mind. And one of them had apparently died at some point. That bomb went off in his head, sending a wave of pain and sympathy through him. This tiny little woman in front of him was all kinds of amazing.

"Buffy has a son." Maybe if he said it out loud he could wrap his brain around it more.

"Two, mate." Came the reply from across the room.

"But one of them is…" He didn't finish the sentence. For a long time he didn't think Spike was going to either, as he listened to the silence that hung in the room.

"What did she tell you?" It was a very weary sounding voice for such a young guy. Heck, they were all too young for any of this. And he suddenly had a little more empathy for Buffy, because he didn't want to say everything and he hadn't been front row for any of it.

"Mostly just shook her head yes or no to my questions. So far, I've pieced together that her mother died. She was raised by her father who beat her for years, and let a friend of his use her at some point. A pretty violent rape by at least two people who also tried to kill her, after which you found her. Then an accident that killed your brother and mother. And now, at some point she had two sons."

"'Bout sums it up, yeah"

"Were they a result of the rape?" It would make sense that she had walked away from them if so.

"No," Spike's voice held an edge of annoyance. "The twins were courtesy of my brother, who was apparently too stupid to figure out how to use a welly proper."

"What happened? How did they die?" Curiosity got the better of him. Had she given them up for adoption? Before or after one of them died?

He watched as a myriad of emotions played over Spikes face, as he stared at Buffy. So many emotions for such a simple question: worry, regret, fear, anger, sadness, even a small smile. Maybe it wasn't a simple question. Spike leaned his head back and closed his eyes, then took a deep breath and blew it out.

"Little over a year ago, Jenny, Buffy, and Angel were headed to an appointment. Supposed to have one of those ultrasounds to check on the twins. They were on the Interstate when the fog rolled in…"

"That big pile-up last year?" He remembered hearing about that at the time. It had been horrific judging by the pictures on the news.

"They were in the middle of it. Car was rear ended. Guy couldn't see them; was goin' faster than he should have. Hit 'em so hard they ended up wedged under the truck in front of them. Decapitated Jenny, crushed Angel and Buffy. Both were trapped. Couldn't get to Buffy till they got him out. Couldn't get him out without killin' him."

"Jesus." Riley breathed out.

"Watched him die, my dad and I." Spike was looking straight at him, and it sent a little shiver through him to imagine what that must have been like. After another breath, Spike continued.

"Buffy was in and out through the whole thing, mostly out. By the time they finally pulled her out, she'd been in labor and bleedin' inside. Rushed her to surgery; delivered Michael and Gabriel. Doctors said she nearly didn't make it. Gabriel only made it about 24 hours; combination of the trauma, blood loss, and being early. Michael pulled through, though. Buffy ended up in a coma for five days; when she woke up, she didn't remember anything."

Ok, so this was bordering on the absurd, and yet making sense in the "can't make this stuff up" sort of way.

"After that… she just wasn't the same. Like she was there, but not. Went to the funerals, but she wasn't really there. Far as I know, today's the first time she's acknowledged Gabriel even existed. Could barely get her to take care of Michael, wouldn't speak to her sister, or anyone else, except what she had to. One night she just scarpered off. Left a note that we'd all be better off without her." He was stroking her hair again.

"You've been raising her other son?" It was really more statement than question. Of course he was.

"Angel's parting gift." Spike continued to stroke Buffy's hair, as a sad smile spread across his face. "Gave them to me and made me swear to take care of them. Like I would have had a bloody choice; they're part of her."

Boy, that black hole had one hell of a gravity well. These two were so far in they were practically fused together. He also had a little more of a grip on, and maybe a little respect for, the man across from him. Oh, he still hated him. But there was a chance that he might be able to make her happy and maybe even save her from herself. Or to be more accurate, they just might save each other.

He'd been right about her not facing her demons. Hadn't faced any of it, and when it had become too much to ignore, she'd run from it, literally.

**************************

Her consciousness came swimming up slowly, again noting that she was in her bed, in the same spot she had been, and it was nice and quiet in her little home sweet hell hole. She breathed a heavy sigh. A dream. Not a slayer dream, just an everyday nightmare where all of your deepest darkest secrets were suddenly out in the open. That would have been awful had it been real. How would she have moved forward after that?

She supposed there was a lesson in all of it; there usually was. This one seemed to be chock full of them, though. Riley would be leaving because she wouldn't let him in. Funny thing was, dream Riley had helped her despite knowing she couldn't give him what he wanted. He'd been right, she hadn't really faced anything. She'd only ever slayed the demons in her dreams, because for the longest time it had been the only place that she could. But now…

Where did she even start? Things were such a mess. Did she do what she needed and then really move on? Give everyone the life they deserved? Did she go back and face all of them? Face…him, and everything else that might mean? Right now… she was going to start with the hottest shower she could stand.
She opened her eyes, to see Riley sitting in a chair next to the door, head dipping slightly as he nodded off. Whoa, boy. She looked behind her to the other side of the room and confirmed that Spike was sitting in a chair by the bed, not napping. She closed her eyes and sank back into the bed. Not a dream. This was actually happening. Great.

"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

There was silence for a moment. She almost wondered if they'd heard her.

"Why do you think?" That was Riley.

"I don't know, you just like making my life a living hell? Cause I haven't had enough of that."

Someone snorted, but she wasn't sure who, but thought it was probably Spike.

"So, you ready to talk?" Riley again.

"Didn't you say I didn't know how?" She needed to get new material.

"Time you learned, isn't it?" Spike answered.

"What do you want me to say?" She turned and stared Spike straight in the eyes, daring him to answer the question. For once, he didn't rise to the challenge. He broke off the stare without a word.

"How about you then? How do you picture this going?" She stared at Riley now.

"Doesn't matter what I think, Buffy. What matters is how you need this to go."

"I'm thinking out the door would be nice." She plastered on a fake smile.

"No, that's how you *want* it to go, not how you need it to go." Riley grinned. Why was he being so cheery about this?

"Buffy," Spike piped up again. "Iowa may be a bit thick, but he's not wrong. I think… think it's time you had a little peace. Don't see that happening until you make peace with everything. Bloody hell, I'm not saying any of this right!"

"And how do I do that?" Her voice was little more catty than she'd intended.

"Face it." Riley's voice was far from catty. It was solid. Sure. "Claim it. All of it. Say it out loud. Feel it. Accept it. Own it. Or it will continue to own you."

Feel it? Isn't that what she'd done all along? Kind of hard not to feel when someone is beating it into you. When every bit of you physically hurts from head to toe.

"I don't mean literally." Stupid psych majors. "Don't shut yourself off. Feel everything you didn't let yourself feel then."

"Say I do? Say, Buffy's a slobbering idiot who runs around crying about her feelings? How exactly is that going to help anything?"

"Can't live with all that poison inside." Spike was looking at her again. "Gotta let it go."

Now she was the one who couldn't hold his stare. He was right. She wanted to let it all go. But then what? The pain had bolstered her for so long, she wasn't sure she knew how to function without it.

"I don't think I can." She looked back at Spike again. Pleading for him to understand. She wasn't sure what else she could really say at this point.

"What's stopping you, Buffy?" Riley pressed.

"I don't know how." Her eyes were starting to fill. Damn tears.

"How to what, Buffy?" Gods Riley was being a pushy bastard today.

"Any of it. Feel. Let go. Let someone in." She looked at Riley. Maybe he would understand. He was being so damn stoic though.

"I had to build walls a long time ago to keep everything out. Keep me safe. I've wanted to break them down, but they kind of took on a life of their own. Self-repairing. They didn’t just keeping everything out, they kept everything in. Every time I thought I was starting to create an opening, something would happen and the cracks would get smaller and vanish. And it got a little bigger and a little stronger."

"You don't have to do it alone, Buffy. That's what help is for." Riley was sounding a little frustrated.

"You don't understand!" She looked wildly between Riley and Spike. "Everything that is me, is inside here. If I tear it all down and everything comes spilling out, what if… what if there's…" She met Spike's eyes again. "What if there's nothing left?"

Spike closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. Did he finally understand? When his eyes opened again, she couldn't escape the intensity of his stare as he leaned towards her.

"You've never seen how strong you are, Buffy. How much you care. How you love. How beautiful you are, inside and out. Everything about you is amazing; and no matter what happens, there will *never* be nothing left inside."

She wanted to believe him. She wanted to let him in. Wanted to let herself try to be happy. To be the person he thought she could be. She just didn't know if she could. And she couldn't bear to hurt him if she couldn't. He was her constant, her north star. If she lost that…

"I don't want to hurt you." It slipped past her lips before she could stop it.

And yet, judging by his face, she'd done just that. He was pulling back now, away from her. She didn't know how, but somehow she'd just screwed everything up again.

"Oh for the love of…" She heard Riley talking, but could stop looking at Spike as he withdrew.

"You two really are hopeless; you know that, don't you?" Buffy suddenly decided there was a lot of lint on the cover that needed to be picked off.

"Look, I don't know your whole story, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. What I do know, is that you two are drawn together like some sort of binary star. You couldn't escape each other if you tried. And all of this stuff that happened, it's like a black hole that is sucking you both in. Neither one of you can get out without the other because you're tied together. If one goes, the other does too. So what're you going to do about it?"

She glanced up at Spike briefly. Was it true? Granted, it was an epic nerd reference, but it made a sort of sense. She saw Spike briefly glance back at her. What was he thinking?

"Stupid, stubborn, pigheaded…" Riley stopped his tirade and gave a couple of very audible deep breaths.

"Spike, have you *ever* told Buffy, point blank, that you're in love with her?" Spike looked up and straight into her eyes. She stared right back at him.

"She knows how I feel about her."

"Not what I asked, Spike."

"No, alright? Never said it. They're just words. Tried to tell every other way I could think of." Spike was still staring into her eyes.

"Tell her."

Spike looked behind her to Riley, a question on his face and what looked like… worry? Why was he worried?

"God, you're as bad as she is. Tell her, Spike."

She waited. He looked at her. She wasn't sure he was going to do it. He was right, she knew. Had used it against him, and let it comfort her at different times. He was taking so long. Did he still love her?
"Buffy," He started. He left it there for a few long seconds. "I love you. Been in love with you as long as I can remember. Nothing will ever change that."

Her breathing was coming a little faster. It was one thing to know it, to hear others say it. It was a whole other thing to have his look her in the eyes and say it himself after all these years and all the hell they'd been through.

"Great. Now… Buffy, have you ever told Spike point blank you're in love with him?"

What? She turned and looked at Riley. Had she ever told Spike… in love with him? Was she in love with him? She loved him, yes. With all of her heart… and maybe a bit of her soul… and, oh god.

"This is…" Riley's eyebrows were practically in his hairline with his shocked expression. "You didn't know?" He asked, his voice holding more than a little wonder. "You had to know, hell *I* knew! How did you not… you didn't know?"

She turned back around to look at Spike, who was studiously looking anywhere except at her. Could she be? In love with him? Was she?

"Oh, God…" Again, it slipped right out of her mouth before she could stop it. It got his attention, because now he *was* looking straight at her. She had a feeling what she said next would change everything forever.





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