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Chapter 40 –

His hand was still held high, a sign to the gathered crowd that he was about to answer. He was still looking at something behind her, eye’s lock on it so intensely that she had to look and see what it was. She followed his gaze and quickly found the source of his attention standing right behind her… Riley.

She quickly looked back to Spike, and her mind flew back to the kiss in the bar when Riley tried to stop her anxiety fueled rambling. No. No, no, no, no... Didn’t he believe her? She saw his eyes flash from Riley to her and back twice, two sides obviously warring within him. She grabbed his face again, tried to force him to look into her eyes, and said it again, “Spike, I love you. Please tell me you believe me?”

He took her hands in his, stepped back a single step, bringing her hands down to his chest, but not letting go of them. His eyes held more questions than answers, and she was terrified of what he might say next. And then, she saw it…

No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it…

Oh, no. She’d waited too long. She’d said it all wrong, somehow. He was leaving her and he would never know she’d meant every word she’d said.

A moth to the flame, following instinct
Keeping the sun and moon in sight to fly straight,
Spun round and round by confusion, traveling in narrowing circles,
Until the torch it circles scorches and sends it spinning away,
Only to be drawn back to the fire once more.
A willing slave, this moth, to the flame,
Possessed to follow the sun that isn’t the sun,
But rather a flame that burns,
Traitorous wings carry it ever closer,
Until eventually the torch consumes and burns ‘til nothing’s left.
Is this the sun I see, or the flame?
Reaching out with tendrils of beauteous fire,
Seeking a companion to touch its beautiful face,
Can the flame love the moth? Or the moth the flame?
Or are they both just fools,
Too lost in the beautiful dance,
Of life giving heat and light,
to recognize the kiss of death upon them?
The flame will go on, but the moth, now reduced to ash,
For one brief moment beheld the flame...and died.

He dropped her hands. She could see a tears in his eyes briefly, before he turned to walk away. He stepped to his car, unlocked the door, and turned to slide inside. Before he did, he looked at her a moment, and spoke once more.

“Buffy?” She met his eyes. “Thanks for saying it.”

No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it.

He slid in his car and drove away. The crowd started to filter back toward the bar, as she stood there staring after his car as it departed. She would not cry. She wouldn’t let him see how much it was killing her inside that he was walking away. So she stood there. Standing like stone, until she could no longer see his lights.

And then the world faded to black.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Riley wasn’t sure what he thought was going to happen tonight, but as he stood there holding an unconscious Buffy, he was pretty sure this wasn’t it. What was he going to do now? Should he find Spike and tell him that the kiss he’d seen was nothing? Tell him Buffy was in love with him? Try to talk some sense into the guy? And why wasn’t she coming around? She’d been out for five minutes already. Was something wrong with her? Maybe he should get her checked out? Better safe than sorry? Or maybe she’d just had too much stress lately and he was over reacting…

Buffy stirred. Ah, ha! Over reacting! He mentally congratulated himself for not acting on his impulse. She seemed to be slowly clearing the fog as she looked up at him like she was a lost child, trying to find her mother.

“He’s gone, and it’s all my fault… again…” she whispered. He helped her stand up, and gave her assurances that nothing tonight was her fault; but, as he tried to steer her toward his car she only managed a couple of uncertain steps, wobbled again, and then slipped back into unconsciousness.

Ok, hospital it was.

As soon as he walked into the ER carrying Buffy, who still had yet to wake up, he was met with a cacophony of people shouting questions, and names. It was obvious everyone there knew who she was, and he was a little shocked and offended at some of the questions. They couldn’t seem to process that she’d simply fainted twice. He heard someone bark orders for a CT of the head, and the nurses were looking at him rather sternly, as if he was somehow responsible for her unconsciousness. He decided that taking a seat in the waiting room was probably the best course of action. After a while he thought he should maybe call her family, but then realize he had no way to contact anyone and he didn’t know where any of them lived. And he wasn’t exactly sure he wanted to talk to Spike at the moment, because if anyone was responsible, it was him. So, he decided to wait, and see what the doctors found out. If it was simply too much stress, he’d feel like an idiot for alerting everyone.

Hours passed. Finally, a doctor wondered into the waiting room and asked him what his relationship to Buffy was? He wasn’t sure how to answer that, but figured ‘Boyfriend’ was as good as any, so that’s what he told him. The doctor asked if he was aware of Ms. Summer’s medical history, which he responded with, “Not really.” The doctor nodded at that. He asked if they had been together very long? The line of questioning was beginning to concern him.

“Is something wrong with Buffy?” He asked, wondering what this doctor was trying to get out of him.

“No, no, nothing like that. She is a bit dehydrated, but she’s awake now and answering questions. She seems to confirm your story that she fainted and I can’t seem to find any indications that something else other than what you say occurred, but with Buffy we always like to be extra thorough to make sure nothing was overlooked. There were some other findings that I’ve discussed with her, so we are going to keep her overnight for observation, but barring any complications she should be able to go home tomorrow morning. Is she living with you?”

“No, she has her own apartment.”

“She probably shouldn’t be alone for the next few days, just to make sure she’s safe and doesn’t have any more episodes,” the doctor instructed.

“But, you’re sure there’s nothing wrong?” He asked again.

“Son, may I ask you a question?” The doctor glanced over his glasses.

“Sure.”

“What are your intentions with Ms. Summers?”

“No offense, doctor, but I don’t really think that’s any of your business.”

“None taken. If I seem a bit forward, it is because we here at this hospital have had the unfortunate pleasure of getting to know Ms. Summers quite well during in her young life thus far. We know all of her family and friends by name. So, when a strange young man with a recently broken nose and a knee splint carries her in here unconscious, and none of her family or friends are here, and I don’t see any damaged chairs or equipment caused by a certain young man with anger control issues, and you don’t know much of anything about her, we have to err on the side of caution and do what is in her best interest.”

“I assure you, I have nothing but respect for Buffy.”

“Good. Then I suggest you have a long and honest discussion with Ms. Summers. You can see her now. She’s a bit weak, but otherwise physically healthy, and just in need of some fluids and perhaps a few more calories. But she shouldn’t be alone right now. Anything more, you’ll need to discuss with her.”

Ok, that wasn’t cryptic at all. Anything more? What they heck did that mean? He pushed open the door the doctor had indicated was Buffy’s room and walked inside. Buffy was laying in the hospital bed, looking a bit pale and her tiny form was swallowed by the bed, giving her an almost fragile appearance. She looked over at him, and her eyes pleaded forgiveness.

“Buffy?” He wasn’t sure what she was wanting him to forgive her for.

“I’m sorry,” was all she said.

“Buffy, you have nothing to be sorry about.”

“Riley, I think you should sit down,” She said with a quiet calm that was disconcerting.

“OK, sitting down. Buffy, what’s going on? Why did the doctor say I needed to talk to you?”

“Riley, I’m pregnant.”

Whoa. Ok. Not what he’d been expecting to hear at all. They’d always been careful and never done anything unprotected.

“But, we were…”

“Careful? Yeah. But, careful didn’t prevent,” She heaved a trembling sigh, “Didn’t prevent Michael and Gabriel.”

“How far?”

“They think about eight to ten weeks.”

Eight to ten weeks. Not long after they started seriously dating. Right around the time that she’d broken his nose. And if that didn’t give him a sinking feeling. He really needed to talk to Spike. How exactly does one go about asking a man if he slept with the girl you love while she was dating you? Guess he was going to find out. But for now…

“Buffy, no matter what happens, I want you to know…”

“Riley, don’t…”

“I love you. No matter what.”

“I’m sorry,” Was all she said in return.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

The next couple of days had been carried out in relative silence. Buffy seemed closed off more than ever. He’d gotten her back to the hotel, and sat with her. He got her bottled water and tried to coax her into eating some food occasionally. He’d contemplated what their future might hold. Could she be happy with him? He’d always wanted a family, he just didn’t think it would be this soon. But he could definitely be happy with her. If she’d let him in. He was beginning to understand what Spike had meant when he’d said he thought Buffy had died with Angel. He was beginning to think maybe she’d died in that parking lot at the bar. Could he bring her back to life?

He wasn’t sure, but there was one person who had more experience trying. He needed to talk to Spike.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Spike was sitting on the hood of his car, smoking a cigarette, when Riley found him. He took a deep breath, walked up and stood in front of him, and prepared to ask him how to help Buffy.

“Did you sleep with her?”

Ok, so he was going to get around to asking him how to help her, eventually. He needed to know and he wasn’t about to ask Buffy in her current state.

“Don’t see that it’s any of your business, mate,” Spike answered him coolly, but he noticed a slight tick in the muscle of Spikes jaw.

“When you took her back to the hotel after she broke my nose. Did you have sex with her?”

“Why don’t you ask her?” Spike answered, standing up and snuffing out his cigarette. “Got better things to do.” He said as he walked around and started to get into his car.

“She passed out, you know. After you left.” Riley said, walking around to the side of the car. He noticed Spike paused a moment, but only just. Spike was fiddling with his keys now, looking for the right one to start his car.

“Had to take her to the hospital.” Another pause, then keys slid into the ignition.

“Good thing she has you to take care of her then.” He started the car.

“She’s pregnant.” The car idled while Spike eyed him with cold hatred.

“Mozel tov,” Spike pulled the gear shift into reverse. “Bit of advice,” Spike slammed the shifter back into park, pulled out his wallet and thumbed through it. Then held out a condom to him. “Learn how to use it.”

“I did. Every time.” He replied. That earned him a dubious glare.

“What’re you trying to say?”

“She’s eight to ten weeks. That’s about the time you were at the hotel with her. Did you have sex with her?”

He watched as several thoughts seemed to play across Spike’s face. Suspicion? Confusion? Maybe he was wrong. Buffy hadn’t said yes when he’d asked her several weeks ago, but she hadn’t exactly said no, either, when he had pressed her about her relationship with Spike. Then he noticed Spike rest his head back on the seat of his car, his eyes closed as he seemed to be warring with himself over something, and Riley knew.

He didn’t mean to do it. It just sort of happened. His right hand shot out and punched Spike hard in the jaw.

To his credit, Spike took it in stride. He turn the car off, opened the door, and stepped out in exceedingly calm fashion. But Riley could tell that every fiber of Spike’s being was coiled tight and ready to spring.

“I’ll give you that one. But try that again, and you won’t live to regret it.” Riley was a big guy, but somehow, he didn’t doubt that Spike could make good on his threat if he pushed him far enough.

Riley held up the condom Spike had given him.

“How long has this been in your wallet, Spike? Or do you usually have more than one?”

Spike squinted at him a moment, as if deciding how to answer that question. Then something seemed to just flip. All the tension seemed to drain from him and he hung his head in resignation.

“You’re barking up the wrong tree here, you don’t know what happened.”

“So why don’t you fill me in? In general terms.”

“One minute we were fighting, and next thing I know she... Always dreamed of the moment when I’d…but when she… I never wanted it… Not like that… Couldn’t let either of us finish what she started. Wouldn’t have been right… Not like that.”

Riley didn’t know if he felt better or worse knowing what happened. He knew exactly what Spike was talking about. The problem was, that still didn’t preclude the possibility.
“You do know that just because you stopped, doesn’t mean that it can’t be yours.”

“’M not an imbecile. But it doesn’t exactly place the odds in my favor.” Spike’s retort held only a small bit of snarkiness to it.

“Would you say those odds are higher or lower than mine since I used one of these every time?” Riley asked, once again holding up the condom.

“What exactly are you playing at, here? Seems to me you’d be happy to have a sprog or two with Buffy. Little white picket fence back in Iowa somewhere?” Spike’s deflection caught him off guard.

“Honestly? Yes! I’d love to! She’s an amazing woman; and when I’m with her, it’s like the whole world just melts away… But she doesn’t love me.”

“Could have fooled me,” Spike bit back.

“Were you always this thick, or did you have to work really hard at it?” Riley asked him. “She finally tells you what you’ve been waiting to hear, and you shoot her down. I don’t know what it is you’re afraid of, exactly, but you need to figure it out.”

Spike seemed to be contemplating that, but didn’t offer a response.

“You said once that you thought she died in that accident.” Spike nodded. “I’m not sure she didn’t die in the parking lot when you drove away.”

Spike’s eyes squeezed shut, and his breath caught.

“So how do we bring her back to life?” Riley asked.

“I don’t know! If I did, do you think I’d be standing here like some useless sod, talking to you?” Spike’s anger started edging up. That was good.

“Fair enough,” Riley answered. “But we need to figure it out sooner rather than later. Because in a few months, one of us is going to be a dad.”

Spike nodded his head, but said nothing. He was leaning against his car, seemingly turning things over in his mind. Spike huffed out a breath, ran his hands through his hair. He looked at his watch, then ran his hands over his head again.

“Need to go. Need to get my head clear.” He abruptly got back in his car and turned it on, and backed out of his spot.

Riley put his hand through the window onto Spike shoulder, making sure he had his attention.

“Talk to her, Spike.”

He gave a short nod, and drove off.





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