Chapter 41

He drove for what seemed like hours. His mind racing faster than his car, and yet never settling on any one thing. He was hoping the drive would let him get everything out of his head. Stop thinking for a bit and surrender to the mindless task of keeping his car between the lines. He drove and drove until the car stopped, and he found himself sitting outside of Buffy’s hotel room, staring at her door. It was now or never.

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The knock at the door was soft and unexpected. She didn’t anticipate anyone coming by tonight. She peered through the peep hole in the door, and instantly recognized the shock of white hair standing in front of it. His head was down, hands in his pockets, like a child caught coming home too late and having to knock because the door was bolted. She leaned her forehead against the door, contemplating if she was going to open it.

“Know you’re there, pet,” his soft timbre reverberated through the door.

She stepped back, and opened the door, giving him a silent invitation to come in. He accepted it, and walked into the middle of her room. She took her time closing the door before she turned to face him.

“Buffy, we need to…”
“Spike, I need to…”

They both began at the same time.

“Ladies first,” Spike deferred to her, and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Ok. Um. I just… I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About everything. How I’ve treated you. How you’ve always been there for me. How I can tell you almost anything, except what you needed me to say. What you said the other night. And you were right. I’m sorry… and I… I understand. Why you said what you did. I… understand…” she trailed off.

He wasn’t looking at her. Which was not like Spike at all. Usually he was all about looking people in the eye, it was one of the things that made Spike, Spike. So why wasn’t he looking at her?

“Suppose you’re a step ahead of me then. Not sure I understand myself what I said or why I said it.” He still wasn’t looking at her. “What does that mean?” He finally looked up, and she could read the confusion as clear as words written on paper.

“Does it have to mean something?” She asked.

“Suppose not.” He left the answer handing there, and for a long time, neither of them spoke. But he wasn’t looking at her anymore, either.

“You, uh, wanted to say something?” She broke the silence.

“Don’t know where to start.” He briefly looked up at her, and then she saw his eyes slide down, looking at her stomach, before looking down again.

He knew. Of course he knew. It was Spike.

“Riley told you?” She already knew the answer, but his nod confirmed it. What had Riley been thinking? Didn’t he know how much this would hurt Spike? Was that the point? Hurt Spike like he’d hurt her?

“What are your, uh, intentions?” He asked.

Like she knew? At the moment she was just trying to get through each day. But for some reason, that question was making her really angry. He’d left her, in the parking lot, and now he was questioning her about what she planned to do?

“Not really any of your business anymore, is it?” She hadn’t meant to put so much venom behind it.

“Might be.” And now he was looking her square in the eyes. What the hell did that mean?

“What I do is none of your concern anymore. You left. Remember?”

“I didn’t know you were… I didn’t know.”

“Neither did I! Why should that even matter?”

“Because it might be mine!” The words exploded from his lips unchecked, and he let them hang for a moment before adding, “Or did you forget?” His eyes were practically boring into her sole now, in that way that only he could do.

“What are you talking about, we never…” Images and memories flashed before her eyes. The day she’d hurt Riley when he snuck up on her, and Spike brought her home. They’d fought and then she’d… “Oh… Oh, God,” she returned Spike’s look, with her own shocked one. “But, you didn’t… I mean, I, uh… that is we, uh... we didn’t… Oh, God.” She started pacing back and forth.

“Doesn’t make it impossible, just improbable.”

“Exactly!” She stopped and pointed at him for emphasis. “Improbable!”

“But not as improbable as Cardboard being wrapped in plastic every time.” He gave her a pointed look.

Buffy slumped down in the chair at the desk, and put her head in her hands.

“Could my life get any more complicated?” She mumbled.

“Don’t think it’s wise to tempt fate, pet.”

That elicited a small laugh. Fate certainly did seem to love answering her questions, and not in a good way.

“So… What are you planning to do?” He asked again.

“Honestly?” She looked up at him. He was watching her intently now. “I haven’t even thought about it. Right now, I’m just getting through each day and hoping I’ll wake up and this will all have been some really strange, bad dream.”

He seemed to take that in, and nodded his understanding.

“I uh. I guess I should go.”

That was unexpected.

“Yeah. I guess you should… go.”

He stood up, and headed for the door.

“Buffy?” She turned around to face him. “If you need anything?”

“I’ll, um, let you know.”

He nodded, and left.

She sunk back down in the chair and wondered how in the heck she was going to tell Riley.
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As it turned out, Riley already knew. She’d planned this big speech in her head for a week and had just started into it, when he interrupted her and asked her why she thought he told Spike in the first place? He’d seemed a little upset when she told him she thought he’d done it to rub it in Spike’s face. Not that he could blame her. The thought did cross his mind initially.

“What am I going to do, Riley?” She asked

“You’ll get through this, Buffy. You’re strong. Probably the strongest person I’ve ever known. I can’t tell you the future. But I can tell you that you’ll figure it out.” She gave him a bit of a watery smile.

“Now, let’s go get you some food. Pretty sure you need to eat something other than ramen,” He said, as he stood and took her hand to lead her to the car.

“Give me a minute, ok? Need to attend to nature first.” He let her go and watched her head to the bathroom

He was standing at the door when Buffy’s shaky voice came to him moments later.

“Riley, can you take me to the hospital?”

He turned to her trembling, and frightened face. He didn’t think, just acted. He scooped her up and took her to the car and got her to Memorial in record time.





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