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Chapter 44 -

Who knew waking up could take so much effort? She was pleasantly surprised to be waking up at all. She’d thought for sure that she was going to die right there, in the floor, alone, hoping for one last miracle. Her last conscious thought had been to say a little prayer to whatever deity would listen that Riley showed up early to check on her, because if he didn’t…

She’d been so terrified when she’d been woken by excruciating pain, only to find that she and everything around her looking like a scene out of ‘Carrie’. She’d immediately tried to get to the phone, but as soon as she’d tried to stand, she’d passed out. There was no telling how long she laid there before coming around again. She’d tried getting up again, but her limbs felt like lead and wouldn’t support her, so she resorted pulling herself toward the phone, but it was a fitful journey of gaining inches, just to pass out again. She’d almost gotten to the phone after what felt like hour just to get a few feet, but any further effort just resulted in more pain and less consciousness, and so she finally gave up and hoped against all hope that Riley would get there in time, as the unbearable pain, the consuming fatigue, and freezing cold overwhelmed her. Even shivering from the cold seemed to make the pain worse, like she was being ripped apart on the inside. And all she could do was lay there, tears falling, the wet carpet squishing against her with any minute movement, fighting not to pass out again, and failing.

She really didn’t want to die, and sure as hell not like that. She’d been through so much and now *this* was going to take her out? There was so much she still wanted to do, to feel, to say, to love. She wanted so bad to see Michael again and smell his little baby smell, touch his soft little baby hair, and kiss his forehead. She wanted to see Dawn and tell her how beautiful she was going to be when she grew up, and that she should do everything she herself had never been able to do, like really enjoy life. And Giles, she needed to tell him thank you for being the father that her own could never be no matter how hard he tried, not that he ever did. And Riley, who never asked for everything he’d stumbled into, and yet did everything he could to help her.

And Spike... she’d initially hoped he would somehow miraculously show up. Wasn’t that what he did? Some divine intervention always seemed to put him in the right place at the right time. But she hadn’t seen him since he’d been by weeks ago. Which she couldn’t understand. But she wasn’t going to press him. It was his choice to be part of this or not. Obviously, he’d chosen not. And that hurt... a lot. More than she’d ever thought it could. No, Spike wasn’t going to be there this time. She couldn’t save herself this time either, so all she could do was hope and pray that Riley would make it. And when it felt like he wasn’t going to make it in time, she sent up a silent plea to everyone in her short life to please forgive her for all the pain she’d caused… especially Spike…

And now, here she was, fighting against bone weary exhaustion to make her brain swim up to being awake. She could hear the beeps and whirs and whoosh that told her she was once again in the hospital. Thank goodness for small miracles. Riley must have decided to come by early for their daily visit and chat session. She was alive. And right now, that was all that mattered.

It took a lot of convincing to get her eyes to open up, and she was rather pleased there weren’t blinding lights or sun streaming in from the window. She recognized the little ICU, and half expected to see Spike sitting there when she managed to glance around a little. Instead, the man who’d been so caring and patient for the last six years was sitting in the chair, his head bobbing a bit as he seemed to be fighting not to fall asleep. She tried to say something but her throat was dry and horribly sore, and all that came out was a raspy squeak. It was apparently enough, as it brought Giles to full attention.

“Buffy?” He asked, as if maybe he wasn’t sure she was really awake. She nodded as much as she could. Even that took a lot of effort. She was so tired. She felt like she could sleep for weeks, and even that might not be enough.

And then he was there, kissing her on the head and holding her hand as if she were a little girl again, letting her father hold her and wipe away the pain and tears of a skinned knee.

“Dear girl,” He said, and kissed her forehead. “You simply must stop doing this. I don’t think I can take many more of these episodes before I’m in the cubicle next to you,” he teased her. She tried to laugh. Really she did. But all she could manage was a sort of huff.

“Sorry,” Was what she tried to say. God her throat hurt. She hoped he understood what she said.

“Buffy, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

“Everything.” It came out raspy and crackled, but better. Unfortunately the force she’d put into saying it made her cough as well, which did nothing to help her throat. Nor did it help her pain. It felt like every single muscle fiber she had was exceedingly sore. Her mind wandered back to waking up in the ICU what seemed like so long ago, but was really just a couple of years ago. She wasn’t sure if she hurt more then or now, as the fatigue and the pain brought out a fresh set of tears.

Giles quickly summoned a nurse, who checked her over, and gave her a couple of sips of water through a straw, explaining that they’d intubated her on the way to the hospital and she’d been on the ventilator for surgery, and so her throat would be sore for a while. She didn’t remember it being like this before. But then, she’d been out a while after the attack, and for several days after the accident.

“So…tired.”

The nurse explained that even with all the blood they’d give her, she was still severely anemic, and it was going to take some time before she felt like running any marathons. She tried to laugh again at that. It almost even sounded like a laugh. A short one. Because it hurt like hell to laugh.

“Giles?”

“I’m here, Buffy,” He answered.

“Thank you.” It was all she could manage, but she met his eyes and hoped he saw everything she couldn’t say.

“Buffy, you needn’t thank me for anything.” He was back to holding her again. “It’s been my privilege to care for you and Dawn these years. I just hope you’ll allow me to be part of your life again.”

“Stupid.” Was all she could manage through the emotion he was drawing out of her.

“Yes, I have been. I’m so sorry, Buffy.”

“Me. Been so stupid.” She spoke through the tears.

“You’ve been many things over the years, but stupid is not one of them.”

“So stupid. About everything. Everything… my fault.” Her throat was really beginning to hurt too much to talk now.

“Buffy,” Giles backed up and sat on the bed next to her. He smoothed her hair and looked at her with such love and determination. It reminded her of the dozens of times Spike had done the same thing. “We’ve all made mistakes, myself included. It’s part of life. But if it is guilt you are looking for, Buffy, you’ll get none from me… only respect and support.”

He hugged her gently. She’d really have to thank him more when she could actually move. Or talk in complete sentences.

“How long… been here?”

“A little less than 24 hours. You were in the Emergency Room a few hours and then surgery. You’ve been here in the ICU since early this morning. Once they said you’d stabilized I sent everyone home for some rest.”

“Everyone?” As in… everyone? They all knew?

“Relax, Buffy.” He must have read her mind. “They only know you had some sort of accident that caused you to lose a lot of blood. What you decide to tell them in the future is up to you.”

She really had to say a bit of thanks to them at some point too. Even though she hadn’t spoken to any of them in over a year, they still apparently showed up when she needed them without even knowing why she was there.

“Riley?” He’d told her about meeting Giles when he’d brought her here a couple of weeks ago, and was keeping him updated on their unending waiting game.

“Asleep in the waiting room last I checked. I think his first encounter with our rather unorthodox gathering was a bit overwhelming for him.”

She could only imagine. She could practically see his confused expression after calling Giles and then having everyone show up and camp out, waiting to hear news of her fate this time.

“Spike?” She couldn’t help but ask. Over the years, the staff had given up even trying to make him leave. Now he was nowhere in sight. But if Giles and the others had been here, then Spike knew…

Silence. That was never good.

“Giles?”

Silence. Why wasn’t he answering? Did Spike hate her now? Was that why she hadn’t seen him since that day at the hotel?

“Buffy, Spike… I don’t quite know how to say this.”

Oh God, he did! He hated her. She’d waited too long. Said it all wrong. Done everything wrong. She turned her head away from Giles, unable to stop the tears as they spilled forth.

“He’s not himself right now, Buffy.” He had taken his glasses off and was pinching the bridge of his nose. A familiar mannerism he used when he was frustrated or wasn’t sure how to explain something difficult. “When he found you…” Giles trailed off, breathing in and out slowly as if trying to get control of himself.

That, she wasn’t prepared for.

“Thought… Not Riley?” She asked.

“No. Not Riley. Buffy, I’m sorry I didn’t put it together sooner. But once I realized what William was sensing, we came immediately.”

“Don’t… understand.” What was he talking about? God, she was so tired. It took everything she could muster to stay awake now.

“William hasn’t been himself for weeks now.” He was looking directly at her, now. “I don’t know how, but I think that somehow, on some level, he knew what was going to happen. Without even realizing it himself, he was in effect mourning your… passing.”

Still not making sense. She needed to sleep so bad. Maybe that would make it clear.

“Not… dead...” He words were starting to sound a little slow to her ears. So very tired.

“Your were. By the time we got there and William found you…” He took a few more calming breaths. “We were too late.”

But if she died, then… “But… I’m… ?”

“Alive?” He asked. “Thankfully, yes. And I can’t explain it. William was holding your… you, and refused to let the paramedics have you. Even after I convinced him to let them take you, he insisted that he be the one to set your…you… on the gurney… and when he did, somehow… It was nothing short of a miracle, Buffy. ”

Spike had found her...

Not in time...

Exaggerating...

Couldn’t have… really… died…

Could she…?

She stopped fighting the fatigue and let sleep take her.





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