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Chapter 45

“So… are you, and Sam headed back to South America? Or… is it classified?” They continued walking down the lane in front of The Magic Box.

“Nepal,” Riley answered after a brief pause.

“Sounds fun.” What else was she going to say?

“I’ll send you a postcard.”

Sure he would.

“Buffy…”
“Riley…”
They both began at the same time.

“By mission parameters, I'm done here. But I have authorization to take the Doctor out… You want me to do that?”

“Do I want you to… How can you ask me...” Was he really suggesting that? “I’m sleeping with him… I’m sleeping with Spike.” The statement sounded odd to her ears.

“I had actually noticed that,” He replied. And was that a grin?

“And then you come back ... and did you wait until your life was absolutely perfect and then send that demon here so you could throw it in my face?” Him, with all the gadgets, and the wife, and…

“Look ... you think this was easy for me?” He seemed to indicate maybe it wasn’t.

“Yeah! I think it was a rollicking adventure, fun for the whole family!”

“I was terrified about seeing you again.”

Sure he was.

“I'm sure my incredible patheticness softened the blow for you.” She only meant that to be a little catty.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” He shook his head, refusing to acknowledge that anything at all was wrong.

“Riley, please don't patronize…”

“You want me to say that I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that ... burger smell is appealing?”

“You smelled the smell?” Of course, he smelled the smell. People in Idaho could probably smell the smell.

“Buffy, none of that means anything… It doesn’t touch you.” He seemed genuinely earnest. “You're still the first woman I ever loved ... and the strongest woman I've ever known. And I'm not advertising this to the missus ... but you're still quite the hottie.”

“You know, it goes away after many bathings,” She lied. She was pretty sure it wouldn’t ever go away.

He laughed. There was the goofy Riley she remembered.

“This isn't about who's on top. I know how lucky I am right now. I love my work, and I love my wife.”

She believed him.

“I know,” She admitted. “I kinda love her too.” Who didn’t?

“So you're not in the greatest place right now. And maybe I made it worse…”

“No.” He really hadn’t. She’d done that all by herself.

“Wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down …” He was looking straight into her eyes now. “it doesn't change what you are. And you’re a hell of a woman.”

She should tell him…this was probably the last time she would ever see him. He deserved to know.

“Riley, that night... I never got the chance ... to tell you ... how sorry I was... about what happened between us.”

“And you’ll never have to…”

**********************************

Once again pushing herself to break the surface of consciousness, she willed her eyelids to open and was greeted with another person, that wasn’t Spike, sitting in the chair across from her.

“There’s those gorgeous green eyes.” Riley smiled at her.

Riley.

“Sorry.” She needed to tell him. Before he left, this time.

“That wasn’t exactly the greeting I was looking for; but, hey, beggars can’t be choosers.” He smiled. That goofy smile that always made her smile. Even if doing so took some effort. At least now it took less effort than when Giles had been there.

“Still sorry.”

“Buffy, there’s nothing to be sorry for. I’m just glad you’re alive.” He was holding her hand now. “All of us are.”

All except Spike apparently.

“Buffy?” Riley prompted her. “Care to share what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”

No. She really didn’t.

“It’s… hard to explain.” Maybe he’d accept that and leave it alone.

“Fair enough. You can’t bottle these things up though, Buffy. Hard as it may be for either of us to talk about… Why don’t you try?”

Of course he wouldn’t leave it alone.

“Do I have to play twenty questions again?”

“No.” She took a deep breath. And then another. And then one more.

“Buffy?”

“It’s… stupid, really.” She cleared her throat and tried to reach for the cup of water. Riley grabbed the cup and held the straw for her.

“Go on…”

“It’s just…” She took another sip. “He’s always been here... when I woke up.”

“Spike?”

She nodded.

Riley huffed out a breath and seemed to be debating what to say.

“Told you it was stupid.”

“No. No, it’s not. It’s just… ”

“Stupid? Childish? Selfish? Any other -ish’s I’ve missed?”

“Not what I was expecting,” He corrected her.

“Oh.” What else could she say? She wasn’t exactly ready to talk about… that… right this moment.

“I get it. I do. It’s something familiar…”

“He hates me, doesn’t he?”

Riley seemed shocked at her question.

“Buffy, Spike’s not exactly firing on all cylinders at the moment.”

“He’s not himself right now.” Giles’s words sang in her mind.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe we should talk about this later. You’re still pretty weak, and the nurse made some not so vague threats on my life if I did anything to upset you.”

“Riley?” She put on her best resolve face.

“What did Giles tell you?” He seemed to be hedging the question.

“It’s kind of fuzzy.” She wasn’t exactly sure how much was real and how much maybe she had dreamed.

“Understandable. Tell me what you remember, and maybe I can help bring it into focus.”

What did she remember? There wasn’t much to tell.

“Not a lot. I think… I think he said he figured it out because of Spike somehow?”

He seemed to consider that but didn’t seem inclined to anything.

“What else?” He asked.

“That it was Spike who got to me? But…”

“But?” He pressed her to go on.

“I think he said that I died? That can’t be right.”

Riley sat there silent for a while.

“That isn’t right, is it?” She asked more emphatically.

He got up and paced as much as the confined space would let him.

“Riley?”

He stopped and turned to face her, but he was glancing between her and the nurse sitting just outside her little room.

“Riley?!” He was beginning to freak her out a little.

“I don’t know, Buffy. I mean, I went by your place earlier to get some of your stuff that I thought you might want, and…” He seemed to trail off.

“And?”

“I mean, Giles said they were too late, but I thought maybe he was being dramatic or exaggerating or something, but…” He trailed off again.

“But?!” This was getting annoying.

Riley eyed the nurse again.

“But what, Riley?!”

“It looked like a crime scene, Buffy. Like a… a gruesome homicide or something happened in there. I don’t even know how a person can lose that much blood and still survive…” He seemed to be getting agitated. Like he was the one having to spill his innermost secrets.

“Look at me…” He held out his hands. They were shaking. “And I just saw the aftermath.” He resumed his pacing. “I can’t even imagine what Spike felt like when he kicked in that door and saw… ” He stopped and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I can’t even imagine.”

Ok, so he had a point. But, Spike had seen worse, and still he’d always been there. If she let him.

“But this isn’t the first time Spike’s found me half dead. Another 15 minutes in that alley and I probably wouldn’t be here today. Or 10 more minutes in the car when…” She stopped short and had to take a few deep breaths. She would not cry. “So, not exactly the first time he’s been through this.”

Riley sat in the chair again and took her hand, holding it with both of his. He looked at her earnestly for several seconds. She could tell he was turning his thoughts over in his head, trying to find just the right way to say something. She wished he would just say it, whatever it was.

“Think about it, Buffy. What’s different this time?”

“You want me to think? You tell me I might have died, and you want me to think?”

He smiled and made that little half of a laugh that only he could do so well. It made her want to smile. But she didn’t. She was thinking. What was different? It wasn’t too hard to guess.

“Me.” She answered. “It’s me. All the times I’ve been here before? They were because of something that was done *to* me… out of my control. This? Was because I was using others. Him. I used him. And you. I used you. I… I deserved this. That’s the difference.”

She was beginning to feel the insistent pull of sleep again. She chanced a sideways look at Riley to check his reaction. He was giving her that look. The one that meant he was upset but his manners wouldn’t let him say what he wanted to.

“Ok, first…”

Or maybe he was going to say it. She steeled herself for his words.

“This isn’t some sort of punishment for something you think you did. And second, no one deserves this, Buffy. No one. And third, no one blames you for any of this.”

“He does.”

That did it. He looked a little gobsmacked. Why were these little conversations so tiring?

“Is that what you think?”

“Why else wouldn’t he be here?”

“What do you want me to say, Buffy?” Riley stood up and began pacing back and forth, pausing for emphasis as he spoke. “That Spike can’t even bring himself to face you? That he isn’t in love with you? That you should forget him and finally, really, move on? You think I want to stand here and defend him?”

“Riley, no, I just….”

“You know what? You’re half right, Buffy. All of this? It’s because of what was done to you.”

So she was right.

“The difference?” He paused, looking straight into her eyes. “Is that this time Spike thinks he’s the one who put you here.”

Oh.

“Yeah, big ‘oh’.”

She must have said that out loud. Hard to tell. Sleep was definitely going to win again.

“Buffy, I can’t answer if you really died or not. Maybe… for a few seconds, or even minutes, who knows? God knows there was enough blood…” He paused as a shiver ran through him.”But Spike thinks you were, and in his mind, he’s the one who killed you. And not just you, but...”

“The…” Sleep was definitely winning. It felt like just blinking to several seconds.

“Say it, Buffy.” She could feel he was holding her hand again. His tone was soft now, with an edge of sadness she didn’t remember hearing before.

“The what, Buffy? You aren’t the only one affected by this. Make it real.”

She felt something wet drop on her hand, and then another drop. She felt him bring her hand up and place a gentle kiss on the back of her hand, followed by something wet dropping on her hand. And then another drop followed it. Through her half-closed eyelids, she could just make out the telling trail of a tear on his face. And then she felt the telling wetness of her own tears.

“Baby,” She whispered. “Me… and the baby…” The fatigue was making it harder to get the words out, drawing out their impact on her both physically and emotionally.

She closed her eyes. She wanted to know more. But she just couldn’t force them open at the moment.

“Riley?” Her sleepy voice dragged his name out a bit.

“I’m here, Buffy.”

“You… would… have… been… ” Even with her eyes closed, and darkness taking over, the tears spilled faster.

“Shhh…” He interrupted, stroking her hair. “It’s ok. Sleep. I’ll be here.”





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