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“How are you?” Riley asked in that innocent yet probing way he always asked such questions when talking to her lately.

She’d been calling him whenever she felt a bit too cooped up, and ask if he’d like to get coffee or something. Sometimes that was what they would do. Other times he would just take her out driving along the coastal highway and let the wind and the scent of the ocean just wash over them for miles. But he always asked.

“Oh, you know, fine.” Was her usual answer.

“No really, Buffy, how are you?” He never would accept her answer. Sometimes she would change the subject and talk about something… anything... and other times she would just leave the question hanging. He wouldn’t press further. He’d probably figured out a long time ago that the more he pushed her, the more she pushed back.

“You have to talk about it sometime Buffy, you nearly died.” Apparently, tonight wasn’t going to be one of those nights.

She just gave him a look that said she was well aware of that fact.

“Do I have to start taking you back to open mic night?”

“No.” It was a simple, contrite, response.

“So…?” He pressed. Stupid Riley.

“So… not the first time.” She defiantly finished.

“I’m aware.”

That earned him a snort. He had no idea.

“Guess this makes, what, the fifth time?”

Huh. Ok, maybe he did.

“How did you….” She left the question hanging.

“One of your writings,” He supplied. “I didn’t read it all.” He glanced over at her, presumably to gauge her reaction. “Just enough to realize it wasn’t what I thought it was, and to recognize what it symbolized.”

She was staring out at the ocean as it weaved in and out of view for a long time. She didn’t really feel like going into a lot of history today.

“How do you feel about almost dying, again?”

She knew he would keep at it once he started. Might as well give him what he wants.

“Honestly? I don’t really think about it.” She said, looking to gauge his reaction. He seemed a bit perplexed.

“It doesn’t bother you? That you died? Almost died?” He corrected himself. “That you almost bled to death?”

“Honestly? No.” That seemed to alarm him.

“Buffy…”

“No, Riley, listen,” Best to stop his line of thought before it went too far. “It’s not like you’re thinking. I care if I live or die, yes. But, I learned a long time ago that any day could be my last, so I needed to grab and hold on to everything I could, while I could, no regrets. I also learned to do whatever I had to do to survive because I knew that one day all of the hurt, and the pain, and the abuse would be over. I knew that one day, I’d be able to escape it all and really start actually living.”

He seemed to consider that for a while. A really long while. Long enough that she was able to lean her head back on the headrest and just let the wind sweep over her, carrying away all her thoughts.

“And now? Are you still waiting for the day you escape?”

Was she?

“Can I make a suggestion?” He asked.

“Does it matter if I say yes or no?” She asked, knowing his answer. He smiled.

“Buffy, have you considered that you’ve already escaped? That this life you’re living it… well, it’s what you’ve been waiting for all this time?”

Was it? Was this it? Was this life, or living, as it were? Was this what she’d been waiting for all this time?

“I think, maybe, you’ve been so busy fighting all these things from your past that you started ‘living’ life without even realizing it.” He added. “I mean, think about it, Buffy; you’ve been trying to cram an entire lifetime into a few years, thinking it was all you might have. But the real question is… did you take time and enjoy it?”

“Yes,” She answered without having to consider. There were moments that she cherished and could pull out of her memory to keep her going when things seemed so bleak. She’d definitely spent a lot of time embracing the spirit of joie de vivre.

“No,” She amended. There were so many things she’d taken for granted. Things she could have, should have, enjoyed more.

“There’s just so much… pain.”

Riley nodded. Not like he could argue with her on that point. Not now that he knew so much about her. Now that she’d unintentionally dragged him into her world.

“Not going to lie to you, Buffy; you’re life hasn’t been easy.”

“That’s an understatement.” Understatement of the century.

“But you’ve also experienced things that some of us mere mortals can only hope to find one day.”

“And that would be…?”

“True love.”

Oh. And now she felt like trash. Way to go Buffy.

“Don’t. I know what you’re thinking. And if you apologize again, I’ll make you drive the rest of the way back.”

“Feeling suicidal, are we? Gee that makes me feel so much better!” She teased him.

“I’m serious, Buffy. You need to stop apologizing. I made peace with what this is a long time ago.” His statement was so calm and easy; there was no way to doubt it. Still…

“Was that before or after the…” She paused, the word stuck in her throat. “Before or after?”

“Pregnancy? You can say it, you know.”

“Yeah.”

“Say it, Buffy.”

“Do they teach you in psychology how to professionally torture people, or does it come naturally for you?” She bit out. It was only a little catty.

“It’s an advanced class, but Professor Walsh says I’m a natural.” He gave her a lopsided grin.

“Fine. Did you make peace with the fact I was using you before or after I got pregnant?” She aimed her arrow straight for his heart. Or his mouth.

“I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want to grow old with you and watch our grandchildren running around from our porch.” He slid his hand over to place it over her own that was resting on her thigh, and he squeezed it. “But I would also be lying if I said I didn’t realize a long time ago that you don’t love me.”

“I do, Riley. Love you.”

“I believe you.” He gave her that sad little smile and glanced over at her briefly. “But we both know you don’t love me the way you love Spike.”

She huffed out a breath. Spike. He just had to bring up Spike.

“Have you talked to him?”

Had she? Sort of. If you could call it talking.

“I live in the same house as him.”

“So is that a yes or a no?” Riley pushed.

“It’s a, I’ve tried.” She really had.

“But?”

“But… it’s a pretty one-sided conversation. He’s all insane in the basement. I say something, and he says a bunch of mumbo jumbo that makes no sense what so ever. One second he’s looking at me like I’m some sort of goddess and the next he’s telling me to get out and yelling about how he has to pay, then a second later he asks me to stay with him. I think… I think it’s almost worse when I’m down there.”

Riley seemed to think about that a while. She was glad for the reprieve.

“You know he blames himself, right?” Riley finally spoke.

“What? That’s ridiculous! How can he…”

“Buffy,” He interrupted her. “You probably don’t remember, but we talked about this before, in the hospital.”

She very vaguely recalled him saying something when she was in the hospital.

“Spike seemed pretty convinced that this was his child. Because of that, he thinks that you nearly dying was his fault.”

“But that doesn’t even make sense!” She interjected. “It’s not like he did this all by himself. I was there. In fact, I’m the one who…” How exactly did she finish that statement?

“Let me guess. He was trying to get you to talk, and you decided to take control of the situation?” Riley asked her.

She thought about it for a minute.

“Sort of. He was trying to get me to stop being afraid.” She left it there.

“Afraid of what?” Riley finally asked.

“Feeling.” She answered honestly.

Riley’s face seemed pensive.

“If you didn’t realize until recently that you were in love with him, then why did you…”

“You tell me. I don’t think even I know why I did it.” Buffy admitted.

Again with the pensive face.

“Control.” He finally blurted out. “You were trying to control the situation, On your terms.”

“Maybe, I don’t know. I just… I wanted to feel… something... anything. I knew he was in love with me, but…”

“But what, Buffy?” He pressed.

“I wanted to feel, something. Me! *I* wanted to feel. I thought that maybe if I… maybe I would finally feel. So I used him. Ok?!”

“You were trying to fill a void inside the only way you knew how?”

“Anyone ever tell you that you are annoyingly perceptive?” She asked.

“Just you.” He grinned briefly. “What did Spike do?” God, why wouldn’t he just shut up?

“You really want the details about how Spike and I…”

“What did Spike do?” He interrupted.

“He stopped.” She turned back to stare into the night sky. “He asked me a bunch of annoying questions about why I… and then he just… stopped.”

“So maybe he feels like he forced your hand?” He opined. “Maybe, he felt like he pushed just a little too far? Like he said or did something wrong? That if he hadn’t, you wouldn’t have felt the need to take control. Maybe he feels like he should have had better control of the situation, or himself. Regardless, he sees it as his fault. Giles seems to think Spike can’t forgive himself. That he feels like his moment of weakness, cost you your life. Which, considering it seems to be his personal goal to save you, means he failed you. Epically.”

“Even if that were true, and I’m not saying it is or isn’t, that still doesn’t make any of this his fault. He didn’t cause me to miscarry and nearly bleed to death. It just happened.”

“No pregnancy, no miscarriage. No miscarriage, no bleeding to death.”

“But it was my choice! I jumped him! Literally!”

Riley seemed to suddenly choke on something and started coughing. After a few seconds, he was back under control.

“Be that as it may. He failed. In his mind. He failed to prevent it. And according to Giles, Spike somehow knew what was going to happen, not sure how that’s supposed to work, and didn’t get to you before it did. Double whammy. In his mind, he not only caused it, but he also let it happen.”

She considered his words. Spike couldn’t have known. Then again, Spike somehow just seemed to know a lot of things. He was always showing up at the right, or wrong, time depending on your perspective.

“So what do I do now?”

“Honestly? Haven’t got a clue.” Riley answered as he pulled into the driveway of Gile’s home.

“Psych boy doesn’t have all the answers?” She teased him.

“Not all, no. He thinks he failed you. That he doesn’t deserve the one thing he’s always wanted. Show him he’s wrong.” Riley finished.

“And how the heck am I supposed to do that?” She asked him.

“I have no idea. But I’m sure you will figure it out.” He answered.

“Then what good are you?” She affected a pout.

“None at all. I’m completely useless. You should completely ignore everything I said.” He gave her his best goofy smile.

“Liar,” She smiled, then climbed out of his car. She walked around the car to his door and leaned in. “Riley?” She started.

“Hmm?”

“Thanks.” She leaned further in and kissed his cheek before standing up and taking a could of steps back.

He gave her a smile and a nod before backing out of the driveway and driving away.

He’d given her a lot to think about. Now she just had to figure out what to do with it. She was pondering that thought as she walked into the house, and was met with an obviously angry Dawn, holding Michael who was asleep on her shoulder.

“Hope you’re finally happy. He’s gone.” Dawn’s words practically dripped with anger.

“Dawn, what’re you…”

“Spike left.”

“Left?” She didn’t understand. ”Where did he go?”

“He moved out.”

Moved? Out? The words didn’t seem to be registering.

“There’s a note.” Dawn handed her an envelope. “We’re going to bed. Michael will be in my room since you don’t know anything about taking care of him and you ran off the person who was like a father to him. Hope you can sleep with yourself.” Dawn huffed before abruptly turning around and marching up the stairs leaving her standing there alone in the foyer suddenly feeling very lost and alone.

She slowly made her way up the stairs to her bedroom. She crawled on top of it, curled in a ball and stared into space until sleep overtook her hours later.





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