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Chapter 52

Well, time to begin the rest of her life. And every journey begins with a single step they say. So why weren’t her feet moving? Traitorous feet! She closed her eyes and focused her breathing. She could do this. They could do this. Could they do this?

“Planning on standing there all night?” Spike’s annoyed voice cut through her thoughts and brought her back to the present. He wasn’t looking at her. God, this could go so many ways, and most of them led to badness.

“Right then. Never mind me,” He said, pulling his Zippo out of his pocket to light the cigarette perched between his lips. She watched as he took a deep drag and held it in, seeming to relish the smoke and whatever sensation he got from it.

“Why do you do that?” She asked, genuinely curious. For the first year, he tried to hide his smoking. Now, however, not so much.

“Do what, luv?"

She nodded her head and looked straight at the cigarette.

"Smoke?" He pulled the cigarette away from his lips and looked at it, a frown crossing his face as if he hadn’t really ever thought about it.

“Don’t rightly know. Suppose it started as a way to help me focus. Give me something to do with my hands besides ripping my hair out.”

Well. That didn’t go the direction she thought it would.

“And the whiskey?” She really wished her mouth would check with her brain before saying these things.

His eyebrows shot up, and he looked straight at her, “Seriously?”

She didn’t answer.

He sighed.

“What’re you doing here, Buffy?” He asked, tossing the cigarette onto the sidewalk as he toed it out with his boot.

“I… that is, we... “ She began, suddenly unable to make her mouth say any meaningful words.

“Look, Buffy, you don’t have to say anything,” He interrupted.

“I don’t?” Wait, why not?

“I get it,” He nodded. “Just needed a bit of cold comfort is all. Glad to be of service. Now… If you’ll excuse me…” He turned to walk back into his apartment.

“You’re a dope, Spike!”

He froze, then turned and looked over his shoulder at her, a deadly look if ever she’d seen one.

“You heard me! You’re a dope! A great big dopey dope!”

“Buffy, luv, don’t take this the wrong way but,” He turned to face her. “Are you stoned?” He asked, clearly incredulous that she’d called him a dope.

“You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? Make it easier to ignore?” She retorted.

“What in bleeding hell are you going on about?” She wasn’t sure if he was angry or confused.

“You, you dope!” She answered. “I came here tonight to apologize and to tell you that I want us to start over and that I want the rest of my life to be with you. But you’re being a dope, so now I’m not so sure!” She was on the verge of yelling at him in her annoyance.

Now he was staring at her with his mouth hanging open. Crap, had she actually said that she wasn’t sure? Way to open mouth and insert foot, Buffy!

“Argh, I’m doing this all wrong.” She covered her face with her hands. Why couldn’t she ever get things right?

“That’s a bloody understatement,” Spike answered.

She looked up to see him turning back to his door again. “Give us a shout when you finally suss it all out, yeah?” He called to her.

“I have sussed it all out, Spike, that’s what I’m trying to tell you!”

“Buffy,” He sighed, “I don’t know what it is that you think you’ve sussed out, but I doubt it’s…”

“We’ll never be just friends, Spike,” The words flew out of her mouth in desperation as the dream came into focus in her mind’s eye.

He turned to face her once again. His face seeming skeptic of what she might say next.

“Not that we aren’t friends. You’ve pretty much always been not just my best friend, but the most honest, most caring, and no matter what happened I could always depend on you. To tell me when I was being stupid, or that I was right, or to save me when I couldn’t save myself. I don’t want us to ever lose that.”

“You don’t?” He asked hesitantly, almost crestfallen.

“You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends.”

“But we’re not just friends. We’ll never be just friends.” She smiled as the irony hit her that she was using his own words on him. Except, they weren’t really his, were they? Riley was right. It was all inside her if she’d just listen.

“You’ll be in love 'till it kills you both.”

“We’ll be in love until it kills us both, Spike.”

“In point of fact…” He started, the tiniest of smiles turning one corner of his mouth.

“You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other 'till it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends.”

“We’ll fight, and we’ll shag,” His eyebrows shot up at her use of the word, and she couldn’t help the tiny giggle. “And we’ll hate each other until it makes us quiver.”

Actually, she had a little quiver just then.

“But we’ll never be just friends.”

Suddenly her feet seemed to have a mind of their own again as they carried her closer and closer to Spike, who was standing there staring as if he couldn’t believe the words she was saying.

“Love isn’t brains, children, it's blood.”

“Love isn’t brains, Spike, it's blood.” The rest just seemed to spill out naturally. “Screaming inside you to work its will.”

It was like she was under a spell as she closed the last distance between them and leaned her head up to finish. She took his head in her hands, a palm gently holding each cheek.

“I may be love’s bitch, but at least I can admit it.”

She was all in. She leaned up on her toes and kissed him, pouring every last cell of her being into the kiss.

It only took a moment before she felt him responding. Hesitantly at first, his hands coming up to circle her waist. Then deeper and deeper, she could feel him pouring himself right back into her. Finally, he broke the kiss but continued to hold her tightly against him.

“Think you’ve got the list bit backward,” He grinned. “If anyone’s love’s bitch it’d be me.”

“Who do you think gave me the idea?” She grinned at him brightly, drawing another confused look from him, before she leaned in and kissed him again.

********************

God, she was glorious. All passion and heat and glowing and pressed up against him in the most delicious way he’d always fantasized, and kissing him like she could pour her soul into him with just that one kiss.

He’d been initially curious when he’d heard the car drive up, only to see her and the giant oaf making all sorts of eyes at each other. And then she’d climbed out and he’d left her standing outside his door.

He’d watched her stand there. Was she warring with herself? Was she here to finally tell him she’d chosen Captain Crew Cut? Was she here to say her final goodbyes, and then wait for her dashing lug to come and scoop her back up?

He’d thought that maybe, just maybe, they’d both put all their cards on the table. He’d fallen asleep holding her. No worries. No what next. Just being there with her in his arms of her own accord. And then when he woke up the next morning, she’d scarpered off. Brushed him off and left him yet again.

Well, if she was here to send him packing, he could save her the trouble.

Except, then she’d gone all righteous on him like he was touched in the head. Maybe he was. And then she’d started in on the whole “never be friends” bit, and as addled as it sounded, hearing her use the word “shag” and all, it had made a clear bit of sense. And now he was back to the part where she kissed him.

‘Love’s bitch,’ eh? Well, he couldn’t argue, he was at that. And here he was, ready to give it one more go in the hopes he’d read everything right. If the second kiss were any indication…

Christ if she kept that up he was going to teach her a new appreciation for the word shag!

“Buffy?” He pushed her back to arm's length. He had to know. Really. Did she mean it?

She just smiled up at him. Eyes shining like the sun. Was he imagining this?

He pushed her away and let go of her, scrubbing his hands across his face. Needed to slow things down a bit and clear the air.

“Spike?” Her voice somehow held both fear and certainty. Of what he couldn't tell.

“Not out here,” He said, stepping back a few feet and opening the door to his flat, waving for her to enter.

She looked at him, eyes full of questions, but complied. He took a deep breath, blew it out, and then followed her in, shutting the door behind him.

They both faced each other and then started to speak. After a second of what looked like internal debate, she indicated for him to start.

“Buffy, I’ve wanted you for so long. Dreamed of holding you every day as I did the other night. I’ve held out hope for so long, watching you go after others, waiting and think that the next time, I’d be the one. But it never was. So, don’t take this the wrong way but you can’t blame a fellow for being a little gun shy.”

“What do you mean?” Buffy asked him. Apparently not getting the message. Then again, he hadn’t exactly given her the message, had he?

“I mean… A man has his pride, Buffy. I can’t do this. Not unless I know that you really mean it. I can’t keep jumping in the deep end just to find out you’re not even in the bloody pool.”

She seemed to consider that for a moment. Bollocks. Had he just cocked it all up? Well, if he had, better to do it now than after, right? Maybe?

She turned away, and he felt his last shred of hope tear.

“Did I ever tell you that I don’t believe in 'happily ever after'?” She asked, her back turned to him, making it impossible to figure out where she was going with this. He racked his brain. Had she?

“Sounds familiar,” He answered honestly. Suddenly wishing for a little alcoholic lubrication for wherever this was heading.

“When I was a girl, my mother used to read me fairy tales. Stories about princesses and their princes coming to carry them off, where everything was beautiful and everyone got their 'happily ever after'.”

He sighed. “Go on.”

“And then she died.” She paused for a few seconds. “For so many years, I wanted that so badly. Wanted my prince to ride in, slay the dragon, and carry me off on his noble steed and together we’d be happy and free. Happily ever after.”

She was wandering around his flat now, her small and delicate fingers tracing over everything she came across.

He may not have any liquor, but he needed something to drink. He filled a glass with the tap, wishing for all he was worth it was whiskey instead.

“I thought for the longest time that Angel was my prince and one day we would ride off into the sunset, getting our happy ending.”

He damn near choked to death on his water at that. She definitely was going to be the death of him. He set the glass on the counter and backed away, choosing to watch her as she moved about the room.

“And then when I was laying there pinned to that freezing cold floor in that laundry room, knowing with every bone in my body that Warren and Tucker were going kill me, I knew. There was no such thing as happily ever after. There was no prince coming to rescue me. No kiss to wake me from my nightmare. They were all just… dreams. Fairy Tales meant to fill the heads of silly little girls with things that could never happen.”

He could only look at her dumbstruck. He remembered, now. She’d said it in the hospital room when he’d given her the ring back.

“And then I woke up. In a hospital. They said you’d found me just in time. Not my prince. You. I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t get my head around it. I needed my prince but he couldn’t find me. You had to find him for me.” She looked at him and smiled. “And I thought, maybe… just maybe, there might be a happily ever after.”

Was she expecting him to say something?

“And then he was gone. No more prince. No more happily ever after. All the beautiful stories shattered in an instant. But there you were, picking me up once more.”

He had the grace to bow his head as looked at him again.

“So I stopped believing in fairy tales. Decided that there was definitely no happily ever after. Not for this girl. I could beat all the odds, defy death, slay all the demons thrown at me here and in my dreams, but there would be no happily ever after. Not for me. Not ever.”

“Not that it isn’t riveting, but I know the tale, Buffy. Memorized the music and all.”

“Ah, but you don’t know the ending.” She smiled sheepishly. “See, the princess in this story was blind. Too many accidents. Too much confusion. Too many threats to the kingdom by outside forces. Treason from inside forces. So all the time she’d been looking for her prince, she had no idea that he’d actually been standing right next to her all along. Even when he’d rescued her, even when he’d kissed her and brought her back to life, she still didn’t really realize that her real prince had been there with her the whole time. It took her a very long time and kissing a lot of frogs, and an annoyingly insightful psychology TA, to help her learn to see again.”

“And the ending is...?” He asked cautiously.

“Well, as much as the princess had loved all the other princes, she realized that none of them had really known her or loved her like the one who had been there all along. So one night, she finally went to him and told him how much of a fool she’d been, and how she’d been so selfish, and stubborn, and blind. And she begged him to give her just one last chance. Because deep down… like way deep… bottom of the ocean deep, she really did still believe that maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny possibility that happily ever after really might actually be possible,” She paused a second, then turned to face him. “But only if it’s with you.”

He blinked, trying to process everything she’d said. She’d certainly taken a circuitous route, but he thought he got the long and short of it.

“Buffy, are you…”

“You know,” She stared at him, again seeming to war with herself. “I had this idea in my head that we’d start slow… get to know each other. Do the whole dating and movies thing. But the more I think about it, the more I realize we’d be going backward. So… can’t we just skip all that awkward stuff of trying to ignore what’s right in front of us?”

“So,” He paused, waiting to see if she was going to keep going, or let him finish, but she seemed to be waiting for an answer. “What is it you’re wanting?” Dare he hope? No, better that thought should be left unconsidered than shot down. “What are you saying, luv?”

“I’m saying, Spike, that I’m in love with you. God, Spike, I’ve been so blind. Can you forgive me? Because I don’t want to wait any longer. I want the rest of my life... to be with you. Only you. Always... you.”

He closed the handful of steps between them and hauled her into his arms, crushing his lips to hers in what was probably the most ecstatic kiss he’d ever had in his life.





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