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Buffy woke with the unfamiliar sensation that comes from waking up in a bed other than the one you're used to. It took her a moment to realize where she was before she relaxed, leaning back into Spike's tight embrace. No matter how they fell asleep, she always woke like this, snuggled into his warm, strong arms. His front was to her back, and she could feel him poking into her rear, making her unable to keep from rubbing against him.

"Mmm, feeling frisky this morning, kitten?"

Spike's voice made Buffy jump a little, as she had been unaware that he was actually awake. "Spike, we can't. Not here…"

Spike trailed his lips down her neck. "They won't know. We'll be real quiet like."

"Quiet like we were on the plane?" Buffy countered, even as she arched into his touch.

"Quieter, I promise," Spike replied, his hand slipping beneath the waistband of both her pajama bottoms and her panties.

Buffy grabbed his arm, pulling his hand back up. "Not here. It's too weird with them in the house."

"I've done it before with them home and they've never noticed."

Buffy jumped out of the bed at that, snatching her robe from where she'd placed it over the back of a chair the night before and then cinching it tightly around her waist. "Well, why don't you go find one of those girls to take care of you this morning then," she snapped.

Spike sighed, rolling over on his back. "That was before we knew each other, Buffy."

"Was it here?"

Spike sat up. "Buffy…"

"No, tell me—did you sleep with other women here in this bed?"

"Things were different then," Spike insisted.

"I don't care! We slept in a bed last night where you…with other women," Buffy hissed, suppressing the urge to yell. "And this was my bed since I was a child."

"Bloody hell, that didn't mean anything to me at the time, all right? Besides, you probably…"

Buffy's hand shot up. "No, I didn't. Never here. And you bringing a string of women into my bed—it's just creepy."

"It wasn't a 'string,'" Spike insisted. "It was only a few and they didn't mean anything."

"Oh, so it was all meaningless sex. Well, that just makes it all better."

"Come on, Buffy. Besides, I'm sure the sheets have been washed."

Buffy gave Spike a look of disgust. "I'm going downstairs."

"Kitten, come on…"

"No. You just stay here with your memories of all your floozies." Buffy stormed out of the room, reminding herself at the last moment that she didn't want to call attention to their fight and didn't slam the door.

Her mother and Giles were sitting at the island in the kitchen with coffee and the newspaper when Buffy walked in. "Good morning, Buffy," Giles said, looking up at her though her mother pointedly did not. "I trust you slept well."

"I did," Buffy replied. "It was sorta nice being back in my old room."

Joyce scoffed loudly, but said nothing, and Buffy bit the inside of her cheek to keep from snapping. She was still angry from her argument with Spike, and she knew that would only make any fight she had with her mother even worse.

Giles ignored his wife's response. "Would you like some breakfast, Buffy? Toast, perhaps?"

"That would be good," Buffy replied, focusing her attention on Giles instead of her mother, deciding that was the safer bet.

Giles stood and went to the breadbox, his hand on the loaf when Joyce said, "She can make her own toast, Rupert, seeing as she's so independent these days."

"Last night she was forbidden to do anything around the house on account of her not living here and now she's to make her own toast," Giles said. "Which one is it going to be?"

Joyce said nothing in response, only slammed the section of the paper she was reading down on the island before storming out of the kitchen, coffee cup in hand.

"I'm sorry," Buffy said, breaking the awkward silence that followed her mother's departure. "Now I'm making the two of you fight."

"No, you're not," Giles said. "Joyce and I are fighting over this because of her behavior—not yours."

"But I…"

Giles took Buffy's hand, leading her over to the island to sit. "Listen to me. You haven't done anything wrong, and I think deep down, Joyce knows that, too—but she's hurting, and she doesn’t know how to handle that. She feels terrible for what happened with Angel, but at the same time, she resents that guilt. She doesn't feel like she should be held accountable for his death or for the decision she felt she needed to make as a mother. She had no way of knowing how tragically things would end, and she felt that by trying to keep you out of a relationship with someone she thought was too old for you, she was keeping you safe.

"However, fate stepped in and more damage was caused than anyone could have predicted, and now she feels that she failed you as a mother. Your bitterness with her over Angel's death and your eventual decision to more to New York only strengthened that fear for her. Really, it's not you she's angry with but herself."

"Sure feels more like she's angry at me," Buffy replied.

"I know. And I've been trying to tell her that all she's doing is pushing you away even further, but she won't listen. Anger is easier for her to deal with than guilt, so that's what she's holding on to."

Buffy looked down at her hands. "I didn't blame her completely. I blamed myself way more than I ever blamed her." She paused for a moment, looking back up. "But I still couldn't help but think about how if she hadn't continued to make such a big deal out of my relationship with Angel, things would've been different. We were only four years apart in age—there's more of a difference between the two of you than that. And once I was eighteen and done with high school, couldn't she have just left us alone? It's not like I was throwing my life away to be with some bum. He was going to go to law school, and I was still going to college."

"I know. And personally, I was willing to let you do what made you happy," Giles told her. "I don't think you were being irresponsible, and I was quite reassured to see that your plans did not include forgoing college for a post-high school wedding. It wasn't, however, what your mother wished for you. She was nineteen when she met your father and they dated for nearly all of college. She feels as if she wasted her youth being so dedicated to one man, and she didn't want you to wake up feeling the same way twenty, thirty years down the road."

"I don't think that would have happened."

"Do you believe you'd still be with Angel had he not been killed?"

Buffy sucked in a deep breath. The question Giles had asked her was one she'd asked herself a million times but had not yet dwelled on it long enough to form a solid answer. "I don't know," she admitted. "I used to think so, but now…" Her gaze traveled back down, away from Giles's eyes. "There's someone else—someone I love very much—and I feel so guilty for even feeling that way sometimes because I'm afraid it means I'm somehow glad Angel's dead. I'm happier now than I was with him, and I just…" Buffy stopped as her words trailed off into tears.

Giles reached out and took Buffy's hand. "Oh, Buffy. Falling in love again doesn't mean you're glad Angel's dead. It simply means you've moved on, which is something that you have to do. The one who's still alive has no real choice but to keep living, and loving again is part of that. When Anne died, I thought that was it for me. It hurt so much to lose her that I shut myself off from everyone, even my son who needed me then more than ever. I allowed the love I felt for my wife to become something negative, something that was tearing me up inside. But then I met your mother, and she not only taught me how to love again, but that it was okay for me to do so.

"Human beings aren't solitary creatures, Buffy, no matter what we try to convince ourselves of sometimes. We're meant to have family, friends, lovers—and I don't think anyone who truly loves us would want us to be without that."

Giles took off his glasses and surprised Buffy by wiping his eyes instead of the lenses. "In her last days, Anne used to beg me to promise her I'd find someone else to love when she was gone. I couldn't understand how she could ask me to do that, especially when I was sitting at the deathbed of the woman I'd loved for most of my life. But I understand now. She loved me enough to want me to be happy, even if it couldn't be with her. That's part of what love is—wanting the best for someone else no matter what."

"So…so you don't think Angel would blame me for falling in love again?" Buffy asked softly.

"No. He'd want you to be happy, Buffy. Angel did what he did to protect you. He wanted you to live, and part of living is loving."

Buffy turned her arm over, looking at the pale scar across her wrist. "I didn't try to kill myself because I wanted to be with him—not like Mom thought. I did it because I thought I shouldn't be alive when he wasn't. He died because of me, and it just wasn't fair."

Hearing her admit that, Giles felt his heart break. He'd always questioned his decision to go along with Joyce in institutionalizing Buffy, especially after Buffy had gone all the way across the country within a month of being released. "Survivor guilt is common, Buffy," Giles told her softly. "I felt it myself with Anne, and her death was of natural causes."

"I'm glad I'm alive now," Buffy admitted. "Things are going well for me, and I'm so in love that sometimes just thinking about him makes my chest hurt, y'know? But then I'll remember that I'm only alive because Angel's not, and I feel guilty all over again."

"As much as I hate to say it, I don't think that's ever going to go away completely," Giles told her. "But the important thing is that you know it's okay to love. Because it is, Buffy. And well, it's okay to love the person you love, too, even under the…circumstances. You both needed someone, and from what little I've seen, you're good for each other. He looks at you as if you're his world."

Buffy blushed slightly at broaching this particular subject with Giles. It was abundantly clear now that Spike had been right in his assertion that Giles knew about their relationship. "I tried not to love him like this," Buffy said. "I knew I shouldn't. But I couldn't help it. He stole my heart."

Giles chuckled. "He is charming, that one. Much like his father."

Buffy giggled. "Most of the time. Although he does have his moments where he's anything but. Like this morning. Ugh, I could've throttled him."

Giles raised an eyebrow. "What did he do?"

"That think where he speaks even though his brain has apparently been temporarily shut off."

"Ah yes, that thing. That he doesn't get from me."

"He can be such a bonehead sometimes," Buffy said, kicking at the floor. "But lucky for him he can also be all cute and charming, and he always seems to know just how to get me to forgive him."

"If you don't mind my asking, how long has this been going on between the two of you?" Giles asked.

"A couple of months."

"Am I right in assuming you don't want your mother to know?"

Buffy sighed. "I know I'm going to have to tell her eventually, especially since Spike and I are definitely serious, but I knew this trip would be stressful enough without that added to it."

"I understand," Giles replied. "And I won't betray your confidence. Although honestly, it should be bloody obvious—and would be if she didn't have that habit of only seeing what she wants to see. However, I do ask that you tell her soon after you return to New York. It's an awkward situation for me to be in, knowing something like this and keeping it secret from her."

"I know. And I was hoping this wouldn't happen. Not that I really wanted to lie to you, but I thought it would be easier if no one knew. But then you and Dawn figured it out the first day we were here, so there went that plan."

"Dawn too, hmm?" Giles asked with a smirk.

"Yep. You just can't sneak anything past that girl. She's like freaking Nancy Drew."

"Oh believe me, I am well aware of that," Giles said, shaking her head. "Sometimes I think she's too smart for my own good. Although she's nothing compared to her brother, so…" Giles stopped, blushing. "Er, her step-brother. Who isn't your brother, and…oh, bloody hell."

"It's okay," Buffy said. "You fall in love with your mother's husband's son, and that's what you've gotta deal with."

"Mother's husband's son?"

"It's less creepy than step-father's son or, ugh, step-brother."

"Yes, quite right. Mother's husband's son it is then."

"Speaking of," Buffy said with a sigh, "I should probably go patch things up with him. My stomach gets all flippy when we fight, and I hate it."

"All right then. Is that a pass on breakfast?"

"Yeah. I'll eat later."

Buffy stood, going over to Giles and kissing him softly on the top of the head. "Thanks for the pep talk."

"Anytime, my dear. Anytime."

*** *** ***

I know this one is pretty slow going, but I can assure you it isn't going to be abandoned. The muse just works slowly with this one, and I don't want to post a chapter that I don't feel is the best work I can do. So thank you for all of you that have been patient, and I hope that eventually the finished product will be worth all the waiting.

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