"It's after visiting hours now," Giles replied. "We can go first thing in the morning."
Buffy shook her head. "I can't wait until tomorrow, Giles. I need to see her."
Giles could tell from the tone in Buffy's voice that her mind was not going to be changed. "All right. We'll go to the hospital, and you can try to get them to allow you to see her tonight."
Buffy leaned her head against the seat and was quiet again until they reached the hospital.
"Please, you have to let me see her. She's my mother, and I just found out what's going on. Please."
The doctor didn't budge, his arms crossed squarely over his chest. "I'm sorry, Miss Summers, but you're going to have to wait until regular visiting hours. It's in your mother's best interest."
Tears pricked Buffy's eyes. "It won't be for long. I just have to see her, know she's really still here. I'm begging you…"
"I can't allow you to. It's against hospital policy If you'll just come back tomorrow, you can…"
"Doctor? You're needed in ICU."
The doctor Buffy had been talking to stopped and turned around to face a dark haired man in blue scrubs. "Oh. Would you do me a favor and see that Miss Summers finds her way back downstairs safely?"
He smiled. "Of course."
Buffy turned to the man in the scrubs. "Look, I'm just trying to see my mother for a minute, I…"
He glanced back to watch the doctor disappear into the elevator. "I know. I caught the conversation. That's why I got him to go away. I'm sneaking you in."
Buffy couldn't help the grin that came to her lips. "You mean no one actually needed him?"
He shrugged. "Maybe. People need him a lot. He's a good doctor, he just not exactly big with the emotions. Which may be good in his line of work. I'm Ben, by the way. Intern."
"I'm Buffy Summers."
"Joyce's daughter?" Ben asked.
"Yeah. How did you know? We don't have the same last name…"
"You look like her a little" Ben replied. "And hey, I was just about to bring her her pills to help her sleep, so you've got good timing tonight."
"I know I probably shouldn't be here now," Buffy said, "but I just found out what was happening this afternoon. We've been sort of…out of touch."
"It's okay. I understand." Ben put his hand on her arm and gave it a comforting squeeze. "Come on. Let's go see your mom."
Buffy followed Ben down the long, quiet hall, taking deep breaths as she did. She could do this…. She had to do this…
Ben rapped softly on the door before opening it partially and sticking his head in. "I've brought your nightly pills and a visitor," he said.
Buffy stood behind him, hidden from her mother's view and listened as Joyce asked, "A visitor?" Her voice sounded so tired, more worn than Buffy had ever heard it be before, and she fought back the urge to start crying again.
"Yeah. She was so adamant on seeing you despite it being after visiting hours, that I couldn't say no." Ben stepped to the side, revealing Buffy, and Joyce gasped.
"Buffy? Is…is that really you?"
Buffy nodded, choked up at the sight of her mother. Joyce was pale, too thin, and had dark circles under her eyes. "Hi, Mom."
Any hope that Buffy had of not crying now was ruined when her mother burst into tears. "Oh, Buffy… I can't believe you're really here. I didn't think…" She trailed off and opened her arms, pleading with tired eyes.
Buffy didn't deny her. Past pains and grievances aside, this woman was her mother, and she was quite possibly dying. She moved into Joyce's embrace as Ben set out the pills and water, then slipped from the room, letting the two women have a moment to themselves.
The mood in the hospital room was heavy, both women crying silently as they held on to each other. Finally, Buffy pulled away and wiped her eyes. "You know," she said, desperate to break the tension, "You didn't have to get a brain tumor just to make me talk to you again."
Much to Buffy's relief, Joyce laughed, though the tears will still there. "Buffy, I'm so sorry. I don't even know how to tell you how much I hate what I did to you. I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul-searching, and…"
"Not now, okay, Mom?" Buffy said, holding up her hand. "We'll say it all when you're better."
Joyce nodded slowly. "When I'm better."
Buffy and Joyce both fell silent, the only sounds in the room the whirs and beeps of the monitors, and Buffy took deep breaths, trying to get herself under control again. It was hard being there, hard seeing her mother so weak and pale as well as hard just seeing her at all. She couldn't say all was forgiven. As sick as Joyce was, she wanted to, but she couldn't. The pain was too raw inside of her for that.
But she loved her mother. As a little girl, she'd idolized her, adored her. It was what had made her mother's rejection of her later hurt so much. Buffy didn't—couldn't—look at her mother the same way she had as a child, but she had never stopped loving her, and she couldn't turn away from her now. In the face of something so terrible, her hurt and anger didn't seem quite as important anymore.
She was, however, tired, and keenly aware of the fact that she was somewhere she wasn't really supposed to be. She'd seen her mother, made the first step, and there was nothing more that could really be done that night. Buffy cleared her throat and spoke. "I should be going. You need your rest, and Giles is waiting for me in the car, so…" She trailed off.
Joyce nodded, understanding. "Can you come back tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I can. I'll stay in town for a little while, keep you company while you're recovering." Another wave of emotion washed over Buffy then, and she could see the same thing playing out on her mother's face.
"We'll have time, Buffy," Joyce said softly. "We'll have time to make up for all of it."
"I'm counting on it, Mom," Buffy replied, though she had a hard time getting conviction into her voice. She moved to embrace Joyce again, and held on tightly.
"I love you, Buffy," Joyce whispered against her cheek. "I really do, my baby."
"I know, Mom." Buffy pulled away. "We'll talk more later, okay?"
Joyce nodded again. "Okay." She reached out and squeezed her daughter's hand, and Buffy swallowed when she felt how weak her mother's grip was. "I'm really glad you came, Buffy."
Buffy gently squeezed her hand back. "So am I."
Both Giles and Buffy had been more or less silent on the ride back to Revello Drive. When Buffy had gotten home, she'd talked to Dawn some before going to bed, though both girls had avoided the topic of their mother. Instead, they had both tried to keep the conversation light, though there was a heaviness to everything around them anyway. Buffy could still feel the tension she'd felt in the hospital hanging in the house as well.
When she'd finally been able to get to bed, she hadn't found sleep. There had been a few times when Spike had had a gig outside the city and they'd slept apart, but those had been scarce in their relationship, and she was having a hard time not being in his arms now. She wanted him to hold her, comfort her, be her strength, her rock. She wanted him to make her believe that everything was going to be okay.
If she couldn't be in his arms, then Buffy needed to at least hear his voice. That deep rumble itself was soothing, and Buffy knew if she could just talk to him, even for a moment, she'd feel better.
She dug her cell phone out of her purse and pressed the speed dial button for their apartment. Spike answered almost immediately, and a small smile managed to find its way to her lips as she realized he'd been keeping the phone close to him in case she called. "Hey, honey," she said, trying her best not to sound like she'd been crying, though she knew Spike would know better.
"Hey, luv. I thought you might call tonight. How are you holding up?"
"I'm holding." Buffy sniffled. "I saw her tonight. It was after visiting hours, but an intern got the stuffy doctor to go away so I could sneak into her room."
"Oh? How did that go?"
Buffy took a deep breath and held it for a second before she let it out, "She looks really worn down, Spike. I've never seen her look like that before. She looks weak, and my mom's not supposed to be weak." She stopped, a sob lodging itself in her throat.
"She's not weak, kitten," Spike replied. "She's strong. She'll fight this."
"She has to, because…" Buffy stopped, and for a few moments she was quiet, save for the sound of soft tears. "I can't process it all. This morning, as far as I knew, she was healthy, and now… It's all like a bad dream. None of it seems real."
"I know, baby." Spike didn't know what else to say. He was at a loss at what to do to make her feel better, and he hated how helpless it made him feel.
"It's all so confusing. On the one hand, I'm still mad at her, y'know? Christmas was only a few months ago, and that's still stings enough even without everything else. And now she's sick, so I feel guilty that I can't just get over it."
"Sweetheart, it's a lot to get over. She treated you terribly. And yeah, her being sick does put things into perspective and makes it so you've got to weigh things a little differently, but of course you're not going to simply magically forget it all."
"I know, but still, I…" Buffy paused a beat, breathing slowly. "Part of me's even angry at her for getting sick. I know it's crazy, because it's not like she got a brain tumor on purpose, but I feel like she forced my hand. I wasn't quite ready to make amends, and now I have to in case she…" She stopped there, not able to finish the sentence, but then started speaking again. "And also, I'm angry she kept it from me until now. She's known that something was wrong for a while now, and instead of getting the time to absorb it, I get, 'Hey, your mother could die like, any moment now—go kiss and make up before you have a lifetime of regrets.'"
"It's okay, princess. No one really expects that out of you."
"She does. She was apologizing to me tonight, and I just couldn't. I couldn't. I told her to save it for when she was better, because I had nothing I could say right now to an apology. I want her to tell me she's sorry when she's healthy, when I know she really means it and isn't just saying it to make her peace." Buffy stopped and wiped at her eyes. "I miss you so much right now. I can't sleep without you, Spike."
"Oh, kitten… I promise you, this will be the only night, okay? I'll drive up to Sunnydale as soon as I finish what I need to do tomorrow, and I'll be there in time to hold you while you sleep."
Buffy sniffed. "Okay. And you'll be here Friday, when she's in surgery, right?"
"Of course. I'll be right there by your side."
"Good, because I need you, Spike. You're the only person that's ever been able to keep me from falling apart."
'"I know you need me, baby. It's why I'll be there."
"I love you, Spike."
"I love you, too. And I'll be there very soon, I promise."
"Okay. I…I should try to get some sleep. I'm going to go visit her in the hospital tomorrow, and I want to be as rested as I can be."
"All right. Call me again if you need to talk more, yeah?"
"I will. Good night."
"Good night. Love you."
"Love you, too." Buffy ended the call and put her cell phone on the bedside table before she curled up in the bed and tried to find sleep.
Thank you so much to everyone who's been reviewing. Your kind words and encouragement have really been giving me the push I need to get work done on this story.