It was a little before six when Buffy decided to give up on getting any real rest. She knew if Spike had been there to hold her, comfort her, maybe it would've been different, but as it was she was alone with her thoughts and had no way to quell them long enough for her eyes to stay closed.
She got out of the bed, shivering slightly despite the fact that it was summer in Southern California. She figured Giles must've gotten hold of the thermostat. His thick English blood made him loathe the heat he found here, and it had been an ongoing struggle between him and her mother. And then in the winter, it had all been reversed.
Just the memory of that alone brought tears to her eyes. She remembered happier days, before Angel's death, when she'd watch as the two of them went back and forth between the thermostat for days at a time until finally, one would break and the bickering would begin.
Only it would never last long. Minutes into the argument, Giles would invariably lean over and whisper something in Joyce's ear. She'd giggle, and that would be the end of it. They seemed so happy.
Buffy wondered if they still had that, or if she'd driven a wedge between them. Like she had between her mother and father the first time around…
She shook her head, trying to drive those thoughts away. Giles obviously still loved her mother. The look on his face when come to get her had told her so. He was stricken at the thought of losing Joyce, of losing the woman he loved.
Buffy hoped whatever tension had arisen in their marriage in December was gone now. She didn't feel as if Giles forgiving Joyce when she had not been able to would've been a betrayal against her. Even as angry as she'd been with her mother, Buffy still wanted her to be happy, still wanted her to have someone to love.
She found her robe and wrapped it around the shorts and tank top she'd worn to bed. Quietly as so not to wake the other two occupants of the house, Buffy went downstairs and to the kitchen. Buffy realized it had been quite a while since she'd eaten, with the shock of finding out about her mother and the trip down to Sunnydale. She went to the breadbox and found the raisin bread her mother always kept there, then slid two pieces into the toaster.
It was when she was buttering the toast that she broke down. How many mornings had she sat in this very kitchen, eating this same breakfast with her mother? She thought back to Saturdays, when Dawn had stayed in bed longer than the both of them, and she and her mother had breakfast together, shared the paper.
Well, Joyce had read the actual news part of the paper, and Buffy had read the comics and done the Jumble, but it was close enough. They had been quiet mornings, but there'd been a peace and calmness to them. Buffy had known she was safe and warm in her home—with her mother. Even if Joyce did recover, all that was lost to her now.
She jumped, almost screamed, when she felt arms wrap around her waist, but it took only a second for her to identify them, and she turned in his embrace, pressing her cheek against his chest as she did. "How did you get here?"
"Da gave me a key before he and Dawn left L.A."
Buffy shook her head against his black t-shirt. "No, I meant here now. You're supposed to be with the band today."
"I called Oz, told him they'd have to deal without me a day earlier than planned. I couldn't stay away any longer, not after hearing you on the phone." Spike tightened one arm around her while the other hand came up to stroke her hair. "My girl needs me."
"I do. I always need you, Spike."
"I know."
Silence fell in the kitchen again, but the couple didn't move. Spike stood strong, his muscles tense as he tried to be the rock he knew Buffy needed him to be.
The hospital was only allowing Joyce two visitors at a time for the time being, and Buffy told Giles and Dawn to see her first. She needed a little more time to collect her thoughts, to rein in her emotions to a manageable level before she faced what was in that hospital room again.
She rested her head against Spike's shoulder, taking comfort in his small touches, the way he ran his fingers through the dark strands of her hair. For what she was sure had to be the hundredth time that day, Buffy felt grateful for Spike being there. She couldn't imagine having to go through this without him there to comfort her. He seemed to know instinctively what she needed, and his presence alone had done much for her.
"Buffy?"
She lifted her head at the sound of Giles's voice and saw him standing in front of them, Dawn at his side. Her sister's head was turned slightly, her hair curtaining her face, and Buffy wondered if she was crying.
"Your mother…she wants to see you. Are you up to it now?"
Buffy took a moment to steel herself, then nodded. "Yeah. I can go in there."
Spike gripped her hand as she started to rise. "Do you need me with you, pet?"
She shook her head. "Not right now. I think it'll be better if it's just me."
Spike nodded, understanding. "I'm here if you need me."
"I know." Buffy brushed a kiss against his cheek then stood and went to her mother's hospital room.
Joyce still looked sick, but she seemed different by the light of day. She looked more like she was actually there. She smiled when Buffy came into the room and shifted against her pillows.
"Here, Mom, let me straighten those for you," Buffy said, going over to the bed and fixing Joyce's pillows so she could get comfortable against them. "Is this better?"
"Yes. Thank you, Buffy."
"You're welcome."
Buffy started to go away from the bed and to the chair beside it, but Joyce reached out and grabbed her hand. Buffy swallowed at the sight of the IV pushing under her mother's pale skin.
"I'm glad you're here, Buffy," Joyce told her. "I was afraid…when I woke up this morning. I was afraid it hadn't been real. Between the drugs and the tumor, I'm not always sure what's going on."
"I'm really here, Mom. I couldn't not be here, not when you're like this."
"Yes you could." Joyce looked down, no longer able to meet her daughter's eyes. "And I wouldn't have been able to blame you for it either."
Buffy thought that was a bit ironic coming from a woman who had had a habit of blaming her for just about anything, but she didn't comment on that. Such a statement would stir things up, and she didn't want to do that anymore. She wanted to work towards letting things settle. "No, I couldn't. I…" Buffy cleared her throat, the words she thought she should say sticking there even though she did mean them. "You're my mother."
"I haven't done the best job of being your mother."
Buffy said nothing. Any arguments to the contrary would sound hollow, she knew, and she didn't have the heart to confirm it either.
The statement hung heavy between them, expanding, filling the space until the tension was thick. Joyce spoke first, clearing her throat before asking, "Is Spike here?"
"Yes. He came down this morning. I need him here."
Joyce pulled her hands into her lap, staring at the backs of them for a moment. "I shouldn't have treated him the way I did."
Buffy sucked in a deep breath, but she couldn't let that statement rest on its own like the other. "No, Mom, you shouldn't have. Spike's a good man, and he loves me very much. He takes care of me. He didn't deserve to have anyone belittle what he feels for me the way you did."
Joyce looked up, her expression startled as if she didn't expect such a vehement response from her daughter. "It really shocked me, Buffy. I'd never thought the two of you… He's Rupert's son."
"And we're both adults. Spike is not my brother. I didn't grow up with him, and you marrying Giles didn't change my DNA structure. We're two grown people who met and fell in love. Madly, deeply in love. You should be happy for us."
Joyce blinked, silent for several moments, and Buffy waited for the lecture, for the insistence their relationship was wrong. She didn't expect what her mother did say. "I know, Buffy. And I am, now that I've had time to think about it. It's obvious you care for each other a great deal, and I can be accepting of that. I do want you to be happy, sweetheart. More than anything, I want that. It eats me up inside how I hurt you, the pain I put in you. You're my baby, Buffy, and hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do."
Buffy could believe that, even if the sentiment wasn't worth so much now, given all that had happened. It didn't take away the pain, but still she said, "I know, Mom."
Another awkward silence, and Buffy began to fidget with her ring, desperate for something to keep her occupied. This was all even harder than she'd thought it would be… What should she do? Should she excuse herself for now? Tell Giles and Dawn to come back in, keep her mother company? Is that what she wanted to do?
As if sensing her daughter's thoughts, Joyce said, "Stay in here with me for a while, Buffy. We…we can watch television if you'd like. Thrilling talk shows and soap operas abound." She gave a small, hopeful smile.
Buffy thought about the request for only a moment before she sat down in the chair and gestured up to the television above the bed. "Well then, fire that sucker up, and see what we can find."
Joyce smiled at her daughter again and reached for the remote control.
After an hour, Joyce fell asleep, the medication and the tumor itself taking their toll. Buffy stood quietly, prepared to leave the room and let her mother sleep, but she stopped, staying by the bed for a moment to watch her.
She was acutely aware that these could be among the last moments she spent with her mother, and the thought made bile rise in her throat. The surgery wasn't a guarantee, and it was completely possible Joyce could die on the operating table. Buffy didn't want to face it, but the reality hung on her anyway. This could be her mother's last day alive.
Buffy took Joyce's hand, careful not to wake her as she did. It was still warm, the blood still flowing in her veins, and Buffy didn't want to know how it would feel otherwise. She wasn't ready to say good-bye…
They were supposed to have time to start over, time enough to build something new from the ashes of what was before.
Gently, Buffy kissed her mother's forehead before letting her hand go and leaving the room.
Giles craned his neck back to look at Buffy when she returned to the waiting room. "How is she?"
"Sleeping," Buffy replied as she sat back down against Spike.
"It's probably the best thing for her now," Giles replied. "She needs her rest."
Buffy nodded, leaning against Spike now as his arm went around her shoulders.
"Dawn and I were going to go get something to eat. We've had our fill of hospital food," Giles said to Buffy. "Would you like to come along?"
"No. I'd like to stay longer," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "I know she's asleep now, but I just want…I want to be here."
"I understand." Giles rose to his feet. "We won't be gone long. Would you like us to bring you something back?"
Buffy didn't feel much like eating, but she knew she might later. "Yeah. That would be nice. Thanks."
"Will?" Giles asked, nodding towards his son. "Would you like me to bring you something, too?" There was no question as to where Spike would be if Buffy was staying at the hospital.
"Yes. Thank you," Spike answered.
Dawn and Giles said their good-byes, then left Spike and Buffy alone. Buffy was silent for a while, resting against Spike, enjoying the bit of peace being with him could give her.
She started to feel drowsy, but she didn't want to fall asleep, not there, not then. She looked up at Spike. "Honey, could you go get me a diet Coke? There's a machine back over there." She pointed, showing him where.
"Of course, luv," Spike replied as he kissed the top of her head.
Spike walked down the hall until he spotted the drink machine, got what Buffy had asked for, then headed back towards her.
He stopped short when he saw that in the short time he'd been gone, a man he didn't recognize had filled the seat he'd vacated.
And Spike did not like the way the man was looking at his Buffy.
Please take a moment to review!