So when the doctor came out and told them they'd been able to remove most of Joyce's tumor, Buffy was confused. They had cut into her mother's brain—why had they left any of the tumor behind? "What do you mean you got most of it?" she asked, needing an answer for the question her mind couldn't seem to fully comprehend.
"It means we weren't able to safely remove the tumor in its entirety." The doctor then gave Buffy a smile she thought was probably meant to be encouraging, but under the circumstances, wasn't so much. "This doesn't mean the operation wasn't successful, Miss Summers. We're still very optimistic about your mother's recovery. The majority of the tumor has been removed, and the small amount that's left will be more likely to respond to radiation therapy."
Radiation therapy? Buffy paled, fighting against the fresh onslaught of tears threatening to rise. Wasn't radiation therapy what made you sick all the time and made all your hair fall out? Would that be what would happen to her mother? How could she stand by and watch that?
"The surgery was a successful one," the doctor assured them, his focus now on Giles. "While we were not able to remove the entire tumor, we reduced it to a size that will be much more manageable for future treatments. We have no reason to think Joyce won't make a full recovery."
Buffy was finding it hard to believe that. How could her mother recover if they'd just left part of the tumor in her brain? Wouldn't it get bigger again? How could they tell her the surgery had been "successful" if it hadn't even been complete?
She saw the doctor shake Giles's hand before walking off, and Buffy realized she must've zoned out for the last part of whatever he'd said. She looked up at Giles. "Where's Mom now?"
"She's still in the recovery room. They're waiting for her to wake up," Giles replied.
"Wake up? She's not awake yet? Why isn't she awake yet?"
Giles put his hand on Buffy's shoulder. "There's no cause for alarm yet. She was very heavily sedated for the surgery, and it's probably best for her to be resting right now anyway."
Buffy couldn't seem to get herself to process any of what she was being told. Her mother hadn't woken up after the surgery, but that was good. The doctors hadn't removed the entire tumor, but the surgery was successful. It didn't make sense to her. She'd wanted the doctor to come out and tell them everything was fine—the tumor was gone from Joyce's brain forever, and they could now go about their lives as normal. Now there was talk to radiation treatments, and…how long would her mother be sick?
"I need some air," Buffy announced, taking a step back from her family. "I can't…"
"Do you want me to go with you?" Spike asked.
Buffy shook her head. "I just need a little time alone. I'll be back… I be back later."
She didn't wait for a response as she turned around and hurried towards the exit of the hospital. She knew she should probably stick around for Giles and Dawn, since they had to be feeling the same way she was, but Buffy couldn't then. The antiseptic feel the hospital was getting to her, making her feel trapped.
She found a bench outside, and took a seat, struggling for a moment to keep herself from hyperventilating. Even with the turmoil of emotions that had been inside of her since she'd gotten the call from Giles, Buffy had still been holding back. She'd had a glimmer of hope that the surgery would be a complete success, and in only a few days, all of this would be behind her. She knew now she hadn't gotten that at all, and, odds were, this was going to be a long, hard battle for her mother.
The tears wouldn't stop now, and Buffy was surprised to find she still had so many left. She felt like she'd been crying constantly since she'd gotten the news of her mother's illness, yet there always seemed to be a fresh wave of tears waiting to spill.
She stopped trying to make them slow. Buffy lost track of time as she sat alone on the bench, letting herself cry with the hope that at the end, perhaps she could feel some level of catharsis. But as her crying jag went on, she only felt worse, the indefinite status of her mother's condition only serving to exacerbate everything else.
"Are you okay?"
The question made Buffy look up sharply, a frown coming to her face when she saw Ben in front of her and realized her solitude had been breached. Her first thought was to snap that no, of course she wasn't okay. Her mother had a brain tumor the doctors apparently couldn't completely remove, and seeing as she was now sitting alone sobbing, wondering whether or not she was "okay" was probably not the most astute observation someone could make. But she bit her tongue, reminded herself that she was angry with things Ben certainly had no control over, and that he was probably just worried about her, but didn't know the best way to approach her. She sniffed and wiped her eye with her hand. "I've been better."
"Do you mind if I sit down?" Ben asked, pointing to the empty spot beside Buffy on the bench.
In all honesty, Buffy did mind. She'd come out here to be alone, not chat with someone who was a virtual stranger. However, she didn't want to be impolite. "Yeah, go ahead," she told him.
Ben didn't seem to pick up on her actual hesitation as he took a seat. "Not taking the news of your mother's surgery too well?" he asked.
Buffy shook her head. "No. I don't even understand it. They were in there—how could they not get all of the tumor?"
"Sometimes removing the whole tumor can be more dangerous than leaving a little bit in," Ben replied. "Depending on where it's located, removing the whole tumor can actually hurt the patient. Sometimes there's no way to tell that's going to be the case until they're in there, looking around, and when that happens, what the doctors do is remove as much of the tumor as they safely can. The smaller the tumor, the more likely it is to respond to other sorts of treatments. Before, the tumor was so big the odds of getting rid of it with something like radiation therapy weren't that good, but now that it's smaller, the odds of that working and allowing your mother to go into full recovery are much greater."
Ben paused, hesitating for a moment before he placed his hand on Buffy's arm. "Your mother's in very good hands. Since I've been here, I've seen patients come in with cases similar to hers and go back out with nothing but hopes for a full, healthy life. They removed a very large portion of the tumor, and that's a good thing, Buffy."
"But the radiation treatments—isn't that like chemotherapy? Won't they make her sick and bald and all of that?"
"Chemotherapy is actually the medications often given along with the radiation treatments, to make them more effective," Ben explained. "Radiation treatments today can be very localized, with a minimal effect to cells aside from the cancerous ones. Usually, with a brain tumor, some hair loss does occur, but it tends to be localized, and the hair grows back shortly after treatment ends. As for other side effects, there's a few, but they can vary from patient to patient. Your mother will meet with a radiation oncologist before beginning the therapy who will decide which kind of treatment will be best for her."
"There's different kinds?" Buffy asked.
"There's a few that have been proven effective against brain tumors, yeah," Ben replied. He patted her arm. "Your mother's prognosis is very good. I know it seems horrible now, but radiation treatments are usually over within two months. The cancer hasn't spread from her brain, and that one tumor was the only one there the doctors saw any signs of. They caught it early, removed most of it with surgery, and there's no reason to think the remainder won't be susceptible to treatment." He smiled. "There's every reason to believe that your mother is going to be okay."
Ben's assurances were helping. He was a medical professional, after all, and hearing him explain to her in clearer detail what her mother was facing made it all seem less scary. "You said the treatments will last two months?
"At most," Ben told her. "The standard time is between five and seven weeks. She'll be asked to come in once or twice a day, for about half an hour, probably five times a week."
"And is this normal—her still having some of the tumor left over after the surgery?"
"It's not at all uncommon," Ben assured her. "One of the reasons why they wanted to hurry to get Joyce into surgery was the size of the tumor. It was too large for the doctors to be optimistic about non-surgical procedures. But now, with the tumor much smaller, that's no longer an issue. The surgery significantly increased her chances of making a full recovery."
Things made more sense to Buffy now. The surgery had been successful in that it had removed enough of the tumor to make what was left treatable. This, Buffy could understand. "Thank you. I didn't really understand what the other doctor was talking about. I think I was still sort of in shock."
"It can all be pretty confusing," Ben said. "I can get you some pamphlets, ones that'll help you to better understand what's going to be occurring during your mother's treatments."
"I'd like that very much. Thank you."
Ben stood up. "Should I bring them back out here, or…"
"I'm going to go back inside," Buffy replied, getting up as well. "I just needed some air after getting the report from the surgery, but I'm feeling a little better now."
"I'll walk back in with you then," Ben told her with a smile.
Spike fought very hard against the jealousy stirring inside of him at the sight of Ben and Buffy coming back into the waiting room together. Why had she told him she wanted to be alone, but then been outside with the intern? He didn't like that.
He also didn't like the way Ben reached out and touched Buffy's arm, saying something too softly for Spike to hear before he finally walked off. What right did Ben have to touch Buffy? Wasn't that crossing some line of professionalism anyway?
Spike took deep breaths, calming himself as Buffy walked back over to him. They'd already fought once about Ben, and Spike knew now was not the time to start things up again. Her mother had just gotten out of surgery, and he'd be a total ass of a boyfriend if he fought with her now. Besides, Buffy had had a point the other day about him needing to trust her. She loved him, so what did it matter if Ben was trying to move in? Buffy was his. He needed to be secure in that.
"Easier said than done, mate," he thought as he replayed the image in his mind of Ben laying his hand against Buffy's arm.
"Where are Dawn and Giles?" Buffy asked as she sat down next to Spike.
"Nibblet was getting a little antsy. Giles took her down to the cafeteria," Spike replied. "Are you doing any better?"
"I think so," Buffy said. "I talked to Ben out there. I wanted to come right out and tell you, because I know you were jealous the other day, and I don't want to give you any more reason to worry. I didn't go looking for him or anything, he just found me, and he answered the questions I had about what's up next for my mother. That's all we talked about, and now he's getting me some pamphlets on her treatment options."
"Well, he's being awfully helpful," Spike replied, unable to mask his sarcasm.
Buffy held up her hands. "I really, really don't need this right now. I needed someone to explain to me what's going on with my mother, and Ben did that in a way I could understand."
Spike sighed. "I know. I'm sorry, but I just don't like him. He's overly friendly, and I don't like the way he looks at you. I'm really not trying to fight with you now."
"I know, just…get over the Ben thing. We've never had a conversation about anything but doctory stuff. I wouldn't let it go any further than that, Spike. So chill, please. I can't handle this right now."
Spike put his arm around her, relieved when Buffy settled against him. "I'm not trying to make things harder for you."
"I know you're not. Just relax with the jealousy. I had problems completing a lab assignment because you scared my partner, and the Dingoes got banned from that one club after you beat that guy up."
"He was drunk, and he grabbed your arse, Buffy," Spike replied in his defense.
"I know, but just…calm down. A little jealousy sometimes is kinda sexy, but a lot gets old after a while."
"I love you, pet," Spike told her. "I can't stand the thought of losing you."
"And have I ever given you any reason to think I'd leave you for another man?" When Spike shook his head, Buffy continued. "That's because I wouldn't. I want you, baby. Just you." She punctuated her statement with a kiss.
When the sound of a man clearing his throat made Buffy pull away, and Spike realized that it was Ben, he decided to show Buffy just how good he could be at not being too jealous by letting Ben live. He was being gracious, really.
"I got you the pamphlets," Ben said, handing a stack to Buffy. "The ones on top will probably be the most helpful. They explain the different kinds of radiation treatments and their possible side effects."
"Thank you," Buffy told him as she took the pamphlets. "I appreciate this."
"Just happy I could help," Ben replied. "Let me know if I can do anything else."
Buffy felt Spike tense beside her, but she was happy to see he stayed quiet. "Okay. Thanks."
Ben nodded and left, and Buffy turned back to Spike. She kissed his cheek. "Thank you for not hurting him."
"I wanted to. Clearing his bloody throat like that… He can sodding wait until I finish kissing my girlfriend."
"I know. But I am your girlfriend, honey. Just remember that, okay?"
"I do remember that," Spike assured her. "I'll do my best not to let him bother me."
"Thanks." Buffy moved closer beside him, her head resting on his shoulder as she let him give her the comfort she knew she could only find in Spike's arms.
I don't think there's going to be a new update on Thursday. I'm going out of town Friday morning, and between working late to make sure I'm not too swamped when I get back and having to get everything ready at home, too, Thursday night is going to be busy. Hopefully, though, I'll be able to post twice again next week.
Please review!