She tried not to think the worst, but she couldn't keep her mind from coming up with a myriad of horrible scenarios for most of the bus trip and then the cab ride after that. The last time she'd spoken to him had been Monday night when he'd gotten back to L.A. from Sunnydale—and anything could've happened since then.
Buffy breathed a small sigh of relief when she saw Spike's DeSoto parked outside their apartment, but comfort was short-lived as her brain reminded her of the at-home traumas which could've happened to Spike. For all she knew, he'd slipped in the shower, hit his head, and died.
She paid the cab driver quickly, then rushed up the stairs to their door, fumbling with her keys for a moment before she was able to get inside. She gasped when she saw the apartment, her first thought being it had been ransacked. Nothing looked broken, but some of the furniture had been knocked over and several things had been pushed off tables and on to the ground.
Then, she noticed something else: empty beer and liquor bottles. She dropped her bag to the ground, fuming as she looked around and noticed her boyfriend was nowhere in sight. She was angry at herself for actually worrying about him and angry at him for being enough of a jerk to make her worry. "Spike!" she yelled. "Where the hell are you?"
She heard banging noises from the bedroom, and Spike soon emerged through the hallway. "And she's home," he muttered, leaning against the wall for support.
"Well, yeah. I do live here after all," Buffy snapped, one hand going to her hip as the other gestured to the mess. "What the hell is all of this? Were you on a bender?"
"Still am, luv," Spike replied with a drunken laugh.
Buffy threw her hands up in exasperation. "I leave you alone for two days and this is what I come home to? Dammit, Spike, what's wrong with you?"
"Wasn't sure you'd be comin' home," Spike replied. "Thought maybe you'd stay, shag the wanker-doctor. See what it's like in those beds that go up an' down."
Buffy's jaw dropped. "That is what all this is about? Ben? Dammit, Spike, I thought you were over this!"
"Could've been if you hadn't been all over 'im, laughin' and showin' him your pretty lil' smile. Did you fuck 'im, Buffy?"
She reeled back as if Spike had slapped her. "What?! No!"
"Why not? Would've been a good way to show how thankful you are for all 'is help, wouldn't it?"
Tears pricked her eyes, and Buffy's stomach rolled. "No! I don't want him, Spike!" She stopped, shaking her head and the hot tears began to run down her cheeks. "You want to know what happened with Ben?" Buffy yelled. "He came over to talk to me while I was sitting alone in the hospital, and I came right out and told him before he could even make a real move that nothing would ever happen between us because I'm very much in love with my sweet, wonderful boyfriend." She let out a deep, shuddering breath. "Maybe I was wrong about that last part."
Spike's mood changed immediately at Buffy's confession, and he blinked as he softened towards her. "Buffy…kitten…"
Buffy held up her hand. "No, Spike. I'm not putting up with this shit right now. I'm tired and drained after spending the last few days in the hospital with my mother, and I just want to sleep."
Spike moved towards her, but Buffy stepped away from him, holding out her arms to keep him back. "Just stay away from me right now. I can't stand you when you're like this."
He looked at her, hurt. "Luv…"
"Leave me alone, Spike," Buffy said as she turned and ran into the bedroom, locking the door behind her.
It wasn't long before Spike had followed her and was banging on the door, calling to her, but Buffy stayed on the bed, sobbing into her pillow.
Eventually, Spike gave up, and the room grew quiet again. Buffy rolled over, silent tears sliding down her cheeks as she stared at the blank wall.
It was the next morning before Buffy left the bedroom, and she was relieved to find Spike asleep on the couch, both because she didn't feel like talking yet and because she'd been afraid he'd leave while he was drunk and something bad would happen to him.
She started fixing a pot of coffee, fighting back a fresh wave of tears as she did. Spike was rarely like he had been the night before, but when he was… Buffy shook her head. Spike wasn't a bad boyfriend. He didn't get drunk all the time, and he'd never once been violent with her—nor did she have any reason to believe he ever would be. His drinking was a problem when he was drunk, but it wasn't something that had taken over their lives.
What bothered her the most about the previous night—and what had crying now—wasn't Spike's drunkenness. It was what he'd said to her. She knew a lot of it was the alcohol talking, but she didn't think those thoughts would've come to the surface if they hadn't been somewhere in his mind already. Did he really think she'd be so quick to hop into bed with another man?
She braced herself against the kitchen counter, gripping the edge of it with both hands as her body shook with the force of her tears. She couldn't remember a time in their relationship when Spike had hurt her so much. His accusations after she'd done absolutely nothing with Ben…they'd broken her heart.
Buffy knew the moment Spike came into the kitchen, though she didn't turn to look at him. He hovered in the doorway for long moments until he finally spoke.
"God…pet… Buffy, I'm sorry. I don't… I'm so sorry."
The deep breath Buffy took came out a ragged sob. "I wouldn't, Spike," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I wouldn't."
"I know. I never really thought you did."
Buffy turned towards him, flinching at the pain she saw in his eyes. She didn't want to feel bad for him now, not after the way he'd treated her the night before.
"Why were you even like that last night, Spike?" she asked. "Why in the world would you get that drunk and then accuse me of sleeping with Ben? I thought you were over that!"
"I'm sorry, luv. I tried to be, I really did. But…" He stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes before he opened them again and continued. "We finished in the studio early Tuesday, and I didn't have to be back until Thursday, so I came back to Sunnydale. I went to the hospital, saw you talking to Ben, and I…I don't know, I just snapped, I guess."
Buffy gaped for a moment in disbelief before she snapped, "So you what, saw me talking to Ben, stormed out of the hospital without saying a word to me, and came home to get completely and totally shitfaced?"
Spike shamefully avoided her angry gaze. "Yes."
Buffy threw up her hands. "God, Spike, this is just… I don't think I've ever been so mad at you."
His shoulders slumped. "I'm so sorry, Buffy. I wish I could take it back."
"Yeah, well, you can't," Buffy snapped.
Her words and tone made him flinch. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I don't really think any of what I said…I didn't mean any of it."
"I know, I just…" Buffy turned her head away from him, her hands gripping the edge of the counter again. "I can't talk about this right now, Spike. I'm still really hurt, and I can't… Later."
Spike nodded. "I'm supposed to be in the studio today anyway, so I'll just leave and give you some time alone."
"That would be good."
Resigned, Spike left the kitchen.
Spike sat in his car, the key in the ignition but the engine off. He smacked the door hard with his fist, tears in his eyes no matter how hard he tried to fight them.
He couldn't remember a time when he'd been angrier with himself, even with all the stupid things he'd done in his life. He'd hurt Buffy… She hadn't done anything, and he'd treated her like that…
Even with as drunk as he'd been the night before, Spike could remember what had happened when Buffy came home clearly enough. He remembered her telling him what had really happened with Ben, how she'd made it clear to the other man that nothing would ever develop between them because she was already involved. She'd told Ben her boyfriend was sweet and wonderful.
But maybe she'd been wrong…
Spike wasn't convinced she hadn't been. He certainly didn't feel sweet or wonderful. He felt like a right royal bastard.
And to top it all off, he was terrified. Buffy had looked so hurt this morning, and he knew she had to feel betrayed. What if she couldn't get over what he'd done? What if he'd just ruined everything with one act of stupidity? He certainly wouldn't blame Buffy right now if she left him. How many women would really want to be with a drunk who hurled accusations at them as if they were nothing better than a common harlot?
His body shook with barely contained anger and hurt. He couldn't lose Buffy. He couldn't. She was his whole world, and the thought of living without the light she'd brought into his life made his chest so tight he struggled to breathe.
Spike wanted to fix it—but how could he? Buffy was right. He couldn't take it back. The damage had been done.
"Bugger," Spike growled, his fist coming down on the side of the steering wheel this time. The curse did little to sum up what he felt at the moment, but he wasn't sure there was a word strong enough anyway. For all he knew, his life could be already ruined. He could come home tonight to find Buffy gone, out of his life. And then what would he do? How would he go on?
He wanted to run back into the apartment, to fall on his knees in front of her and beg her forgiveness, but Buffy had told him she didn't want to talk to him then, and Spike knew he had to respect that. If he didn't it could very possibly get worse.
If there was a worse…
Spike shook his head, trying to get a handle on himself. He needed to try to focus on his work. His band mates were counting on him, and he needed to get in the studio and get the album made. Buffy didn't want him home now anyway, and maybe when he came back that evening, she wouldn't want to walk out on him and would be ready to talk to him instead. She hadn't told him it was over, hadn't thrown him out or said she was leaving. Maybe she did just need a little time to deal with what had happened between them.
He hoped that was the case. If she would just let him try to make it up to her, to show her he didn't really think badly of her at all… All he needed was a second chance, time to make things right again. He could take away the pain he'd caused and show Buffy how much he really did love her.
As he started his car and drove out of the parking lot, Spike prayed he'd come home to that chance.
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