Then, she'd come home. The fact that she'd left him with nothing but a note and then refused to answer her cell phone had bothered him, and even though he'd tried to get over it for the sake of mending their relationship, as the night had progressed and things had remained strained, his anger had risen. He'd sat up thinking about it for a long time after she'd gone to bed, and he'd finally been able to pinpoint where it was coming from—there'd been no apology from her.
Granted, he'd been a wanker, he knew, but her response to it was, well, really shitty, if you asked him. And Spike knew somewhere she knew that, too, but in her typical, stubborn way, she wouldn't admit it. She did whatever she wanted, regardless of what it did to him. Whenever they had any sort of fight, it was always about what he did wrong and didn't end until he apologized. There was never any give and take with her, never any admission something she had done may have been a problem, too. He was bloody sick of it.
He hadn't been going to argue, though. He was going to push it back and try to get over his hurt and anger the way he'd done so many other times with her. Yet then she'd acted as if him asking if she'd actually be home when he got back was a shock—as if she hadn't given him cause to wonder only days earlier—and something inside of him had snapped.
Spike tried hard to support Buffy, to make things easier for her, but he felt like he never got any of it back. He knew now he was being a little unfair since she was preoccupied with her mother and he hadn't exactly sat her down and told her all the crap that was going on in the studio, but she hadn't asked about it either. A couple of times in the beginning she'd asked how his day had gone, but since then, nothing. She didn't ask for any of the details or even a general inquiry into how the album was going.
Spike gripped the wheel tightly and tried to calm himself by taking deep breaths. He needed to get in the studio, work on finishing the album, and not think about Buffy for a little bit. Maybe they both only needed time to cool down, and then everything would sort itself out, let them go back to normal. Even with the problems between them becoming suddenly very difficult to ignore, he didn't want to end things with her. He never wanted to end things with her. He loved her too much to even consider leaving.
So he did the only thing he could—he held onto the hope that soon, everything would be right again.
Buffy stayed sitting on the edge of the bed for a long while after Spike left her, numb with shock. What was happening? It hadn't even been a week since they'd been so happy together and now? She felt as if everything was suddenly spiraling out of control.
And what had Spike meant when he'd told her she made it all about her? Buffy certainly didn't think that was true. Besides, if he'd meant this time, well, that was because he was the one in the wrong. He was the one who had had a totally pointless freak out over Ben and then had followed that up by staying out all night to get drunk. So what if she'd needed to get away and think a little after that? And yeah, maybe the note hadn't been the very best way to tell him she was leaving, but she hadn't felt like talking to him, and as far as Buffy was concerned, she was completely justified. She was the wronged party in all of this, and it certainly wasn't fair of him to try to turn it back around on her.
Her numbness was quickly transforming to anger as Buffy gave into her desire for a little internal ranting. Sure, things had been tense the night before, but they'd ended the fight, and Buffy didn't see why Spike had to go and stir it all back up this morning. Now she just felt worse.
Buffy got up, determined to find a distraction to get her through the day.
They didn't talk when Spike got home. Furthermore, they didn't talk much for the rest of the week. When they went to bed, they continued to sleep on opposite sides—if Spike bothered to come to bed at all. Buffy knew he was drinking. She didn't comment on it.
When the weekend came around, Buffy spent it in Sunnydale again, and Spike found himself surprisingly grateful. The apartment had been overly tense for days, and with Buffy gone, he felt like he could breathe a little better, despite how much he hated thinking that way.
Something had to give. It was becoming increasingly obvious nothing was going to right itself. If anything, it was all growing worse, leaving both of them with a sense of helplessness.
By Wednesday night, Spike had to talk to her. He couldn't take the silence anymore, couldn't keep feeling like he was living with a ghost.
He stood in the doorway of their kitchen, watching Buffy as she rinsed off their plates from dinner and put them in the dishwasher. Looking at her now made him ache as he wished he could somehow magically take it all back, return to a time before everything had suddenly gotten out of control. He knew they'd been happy, and he couldn't figure out for the life of him why they weren't anymore.
They'd barely even touched each other in weeks…
"Buffy," he said when she closed the door to the dishwasher. "There's something important I need to talk to you about."
Buffy turned, trying to push down the panic that rose in her with the thought of how this could be The Talk. Things had been so strained between them, and one of the reasons she'd avoided talking to Spike at all was from the fear that if they did, it would end with him telling her good bye, and she didn't think she could take it. She only wanted them to be happy again…
"Yeah, okay," she said, trying her best to make her voice sound strong. "Let's go into the living room, all right?"
Spike nodded and followed her in to the couch. They sat on opposite sides, and for a long moment, neither of them said anything. Finally, Spike spoke up.
"We're almost done with our part of the album in the studio, and the label wants to send us on tour. Nothing too big—we're not headlining by any means, but they want to get us out on the road for promotion."
Buffy swallowed as she tried to process that news. She supposed she should have assumed Spike would be touring at some point, but she hadn't given it a lot of thought—and she certainly hadn't believed it was going to happen so soon. "How long?"
"They're not sure," Spike replied. "It all depends on how things are going. A couple months, maybe more."
"Oh," was all she could say in response. Even with all the tension between them recently, she didn't like the idea of Spike leaving for months.
"Pet, I know things have been rough between us these past couple of weeks, but well…" Spike stopped and took a deep breath, hoping that just this one thing could go right with Buffy now. "I want you to come with me. You wouldn't be the only girlfriend there—Mona's coming with Rory—and well, maybe it's something we need? A little time away, a change of scenery to try to get things back on track."
Buffy felt something clench in the pit of her stomach. Spike was looking at her with a hopeful expression she hadn't seen from him in so long, and she wanted to be able to simply tell him yes and hope everything would suddenly be better then.
"Spike, I can't."
"Why not?" Spike asked, his hurt from her quick dismissal of his offer apparent in his eyes.
"Because now is so not a good time," Buffy replied. "For one thing, my mother's just starting her radiation treatments, and I think it's better for me to be close by in case something happens. And then what about me going back to school? I want my degree, Spike. It's important to me, for what I want to do with my life. I've already had to miss one semester, and if I go out on the road with you, that means I'll probably miss at least a whole year."
Spike bristled, knowing Buffy was making excuses. She could easily come home if something happened with her mother, and Spike was loathed to point out that a month ago, she wasn't even speaking to Joyce. And school, well, it wasn't like she had a deadline in which she had to finish it. Taking off a whole year wouldn't mean she couldn't get her degree—it would just put her back a little longer. "Buffy, we could find a way to work all of that out," Spike said. "Please, come with me. It's really important to me that you do."
"Why is it so important to you?" Buffy asked.
Why was it so important to him? Spike knew he could go on all night with an answer to that. Buffy was everything—his whole world—and he wanted her there by his side. He wanted her there because he wanted her to experience everything with him. He simplified his answer. "Because I want you."
Buffy gave a sort of bitter half smile and shook her head. "Damn, you men—all the same. You want me to put my entire life on hold and go on tour with you so what—you can make sure you get laid?"
Spike's jaw ticked, her misinterpretation of his response making his anger rise. "Seeing how our sex life has been recently, if that was my concern I'd be making sure I was going without you," Spike snapped, though the look hurt look on her face made him immediately regret the words.
"Is that what you want?" Buffy asked. "Do you want me to tell you to go a free man?"
"No!" Spike said quickly, not needing to think about it at all. "God, no, Buffy. If you stay here, I'll live like a bleedin' monk the whole time I'm gone. I just…" He stopped, letting out a slow breath. "I really want you there, kitten. Please… Can't you at least think about it? It's not like I have to leave tomorrow."
She couldn't really see her answer changing, but Buffy told him, "Yeah, okay. I'll give myself some time to think about it."
"Thank you," Spike said softly before their night settled into another stretch of uneasy silence.
Buffy did think about Spike's offer the next day, just as she'd told him she would. On the one hand, there was a part of her that thought maybe spending some time together with a new focus could be good for the relationship, but on the other hand, she wasn't optimistic enough to think they'd be able to work anything out while living with the band on some cramped tour bus. Odds were, the tension between them would finally reach its point of explosion.
She was wondering, however, if she could really send Spike off on his own for months and expect him to just accept a lack of sex. It wasn't as if she thought Spike was raring to cheat on her, but that was a lot to ask of anyone, especially someone as physical as Spike. Besides, she had to be honest—the temptation would be very strong, and asking him to remember he had a girlfriend back home when he'd barely been on speaking terms with recently was bordering on cruel.
Yet she didn't want to lose him. Even with as strained as their relationship had been, Buffy knew she loved Spike with every bit of her heart. If she stuck with her decision not to go on tour with him, would it mean she was giving him up? And if it did, then how was she ever going to make it without him?
However, she didn't have much time to ponder that particular question before she was distracted by a knock at the door. She sighed, wishing she didn't have to be bothered right now, but deciding she should answer it anyway.
Her brow wrinkled when she saw who it was, and she opened the door slowly. "Can I help you?" she asked.
"Hello, Miss Summers. I'm not sure if you remember me, but my name is Quentin Travers."
Buffy nodded. "I know who you are. We've met more than once. Spike's not here."
"Oh, I know he isn't here. It's you I'd like to speak with actually." Quentin smiled. "May I come in?"
I know that was a mean place to leave it, and you're really going to hate me when I tell you I'm going to have to skip the next two updates. I'm going out of town, and won't be able to post again until Thursday, July 27th. I hope you can all sit tight until then!
Please take a moment to review.