As they made the silent drive back to Los Angeles, Robin found he couldn't bite his tongue anymore. Something big was going on, and he had a feeling if he could get to the bottom of it, he'd know the reason behind Buffy's skittish behavior when it came to moving forward in their relationship.
"So what's the real deal with you and Spike?" Robin asked, making Buffy whip her head to face him away from where she'd been looking out the window.
"What…what do you mean?"
"Buffy, I'm not stupid. It was pretty clear today you two have a history."
Buffy frowned. Was it? And she'd tried so hard to make that not clear. Damn… She sighed. "We dated for about a year a while back. But then things fell apart pretty quickly, and I hadn't seen him in three years—until today."
"Did you know he was going to be there when you asked me to come with you?" Robin asked. "That wasn't why you suddenly felt comfortable enough to introduce me to your parents, was it—because you didn't want Spike to see you alone?"
"No!" Buffy insisted quickly. "I didn't know he was going to be there until after I asked you, I promise. And I'm sorry if I was weird today. I thought I'd be able to handle seeing him again better than I did."
"It's okay. I completely understand having a hard time seeing your ex for the first time in three years. I take it the break-up was an ugly one?"
"It wasn't pretty by any stretch of the imagination," Buffy replied. "I loved him very much, and losing him devastated me. It took a lot to get over it."
Robin gave her a quick glance before returning his eyes to the road. "But you have gotten over it?"
"Yeah, I have," Buffy said with all the conviction she could muster. "Seeing him again made my insides tie up in knots, but I didn't want to run back into his arms."
"Just checking. I don't want to try to start something here with your heart belonging to someone else."
"Don't worry about that. Spike and I are as over as two people can be."
"Okay."
"So it doesn't like, freak you out?" Buffy asked after several moments of silence passed in the car.
"What, knowing you used to date a rock star?"
"No, knowing I used to date someone who, technically, is my step-brother."
"No, that doesn't bother me at all," Robin replied. "I know you well enough to know it wasn't some sort of kinky, incestuous thing. You're not related, and I'm going to wager if you ever lived together, it wasn't under your parents' roof."
"It wasn't," Buffy confirmed. "I didn't really meet him until we were both in our twenties."
"So nothing there to bother me," Robin said. "One of my best friends from college, his mother met his wife's father at my friend's wedding. Within six months, the parents were married, too. I never thought that suddenly made my friend and his wife brother and sister, and it seems to me anything between you and Spike was right along those lines." He cleared his throat. "Though the rock star thing—that's a tough act to follow."
Buffy chuckled. "He actually wasn't a rock star yet when we were dating. I just got the struggling musician."
"Did he leave you because he started to get famous?" Robin asked, before quickly adding, "And if I'm reaching none-of-my-business territory, you have my permission to tell me to shut up."
"It's okay. I'm not really in the mood for detail-giving, but that isn't why it ended. I broke up with him, actually."
Robin frowned. "But I thought the break-up devastated you."
"It did, but I was still the one to end things. And can that be a story for after we've had a few more dates?"
"Sure." Despite himself, Robin couldn't help the small smile that came to his lips. "There's going to be more dates?"
"There will be if you want there to be."
Robin's smile grew. "I want there to be. I definitely want there to be."
Buffy always felt awkward telling Robin goodnight. As far as actual dating went, the most experience she'd had was with Riley, and she was pretty sure she and Robin were following a different sort of pattern than she had with Riley. Angel had always been about secrecy and stolen moments and with Spike she'd jumped right into a full-blown relationship.
"I feel sort of weird, simply sending you home after all that driving you just did," Buffy admitted, avoiding Robin's gaze as they stood in front of her door.
"I think it's probably for the best," Robin replied. "The only real reason for me to go into your apartment right now is something I don't think we're quite ready for."
"No, I don't think we are either," Buffy said honestly.
"I had a good time today, though," Robin told her. "I like your family. Even Great Uncle Maury starts to grow on you."
Buffy laughed. "Be careful—that could actually be his fungus."
Robin laughed back. "I'll keep that in mind." The moment sobered, and Robin reached out to cup her cheek in his hand, tilting her face up so their eyes finally met. "I still mean what I said before, about giving you the time you need. You're an amazing woman, Buffy Summers, and you're someone I think I can wait for."
"I'm sorry I can't be more…"
Buffy stopped in mid-sentence when she felt Robin's thumb against her lips. "Hey. Don't apologize for being who you are, Buffy." Slowly, giving her time to pull away, he moved his hand and replaced it with his own lips, giving her a gentle, yet talented kiss.
She felt the same way she did every time Robin kissed her. He wasn't a bad kisser by any stretch of the imagination, and Buffy had a feeling if she'd never kissed Spike, her knees would be pretty weak right about then. But she had kissed Spike and felt the magical sort of passion she feared only he could ever stir in her. After that, she was sure even a kiss from Don Juan himself would seem pale in comparison.
Still, she smiled and let her eyes linger on his for a moment as he pulled away. Maybe if she could just get used to touching someone who wasn't Spike, she'd finally be able to chase those ghosts away and go on with her life. And Robin really was a good find. She'd be crazy to pass him up because of the memory of a man she wasn't ever going to have again.
Robin's hand went up to her cheek for a moment before he let it drop. "Goodnight, Buffy."
"Goodnight, Robin," Buffy replied before stepping inside of her apartment and closing the door between them.
Buffy groaned as the sound of ringing pulled her out of sleep and she struggled to place it. Her alarm wasn't going off. Dawn had stayed in Sunnydale for an extra day. So what…
Right, the phone. She shook her head and looked at the clock, grumbling as she did, "This better be important at two in the morning."
She picked the phone up and managed her best, "Hello?"
"Buffy? Did I wake you up?"
"People do tend to be asleep at this hour, and…" She froze, suddenly wide awake as she realized who she was talking to. "Spike?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry I woke you, pet, but I needed to call you. I haven't been able to stop thinking what you said back in Sunnydale earlier today."
The whole moment had a surreal feel for Buffy, making her wonder if she was even actually awake. It certainly wouldn't have been the first time in the past three years she'd dreamt of Spike.
"Buffy? Are you there, luv?"
"Yeah, sorry," Buffy said, realizing she'd probably zoned out for a moment. "I'm just not completely awake."
"Oh. I can let you go back to sleep," Spike offered. "I'm sorry I bothered you."
"No!" Buffy said quickly, not liking the idea of Spike hanging up already. It could have been because the logical part of her brain had not yet woken up, but she wanted to keep hearing his voice. "You called me for a reason, didn't you? You might as well say what you wanted to say."
On the other end of the line, Spike cleared his throat. "I don't really even know what I have to say. It just threw me for a loop, is all. I've spent three years thinking one thing, and then I find out it wasn't quite what I thought it was. A bit of a shock."
"I knew if I told you the reason I was leaving, you wouldn't have accepted it."
"Damn right I wouldn't!" Spike exclaimed, making Buffy wince a little at how loud his voice was in her ear. He took a deep breath, his tone softening. "Buffy, what Travers said to you, it wouldn't have mattered. We could've worked it all out."
"How, Spike? Hell, look at how the tabloids reacted to Britney Spears marrying her back-up dancer—what do you think they would've said about someone dating his step-sister?"
"You were never really my step-sister," Spike replied.
Buffy sighed. "I know that, Spike. But other people—especially people looking for a juicy story—they wouldn't have seen things the way we did."
"Then fuck 'em. I've never cared a day in my life what strangers think of me. If it had turned into a scandal, I would've handled it."
"But what if you couldn't have handled it? What if it killed your career?"
Spike let out a trembling breath. "Then I would've found something else to do with my life. I was never ashamed of what we had, Buffy. I was bloody proud to have the love of a woman like you. Nothing would've made me act like what we had was something that shouldn't be any more than a dirty little secret."
"I was never ashamed of us, Spike."
"Yeah, I think you were. A little at least." Buffy started to protest, but Spike seemed to sense it even from the other end of the phone line, and said quickly, "Let me finish. It was always something that bothered you. No matter how much you insisted I wasn't your step-brother, there was always something in the back of your mind telling you maybe you should think I was. For you, there was always something of a taint to the relationship. You couldn't come clean with your mum and Rupert about it for months, and that's not the sign of thinking there's no problem with a situation at all. No, I don't think you ever thought of me as a brother, but that doesn't mean you didn't wonder if the people who did think of us as siblings possibly had a valid point."
"They did, Spike. Our parents are married…"
"So bloody what? What would you think about two sets of siblings dating?"
"Why would anyone care about that? I've known lots of people who have dated the brother or sister of an in-law. It happens all the time," Buffy replied.
"And they're just as related as us, Buffy. Yeah, they're our parents and not our siblings, but it's really not all that different. And it's not like we're the only people who have ever had a relationship like this. It's not like our parents got married when we were kids, and I was sneaking across the hallway to play Doctor with you. Joyce and Rupert's marriage is a second marriage that took place later in both of their lives after they both had older children."
"I know, but not everyone would…"
"Screw anyone who doesn't, then!" Spike said, his voice rising again. "It's none of their business anyway. If it had been a scandal, it would've blown over. We have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, and eventually, they would've gone looking for something actually interesting."
"But what if…"
"We don't know what would have happened," he said sharply. "You never gave us a chance to find out. Sure, worst case scenario, it would've been a huge bloody scandal and I never would've made it to where I am today—but that still would've been better than what I got instead."
Buffy sucked in a breath. "What do you mean by that?"
"What, did you think fame's been all puppies and rainbows for me? And do you honestly think getting dumped by the woman I loved more than anything else in the world made it fun and exciting to set out on tour? Bloody hell, I was sodding miserable, Buffy. I was a wreck when you left me. Made the man I was those last couple weeks look like a real prize in comparison. I'd probably be dead now if Rory and Oz hadn't stepped in, made me stop acting like such a git."
The pain Buffy felt in the pit of her stomach whenever she thought about Spike suddenly increased. "Spike…what happened?"
For a moment, he didn't answer, and Buffy wondered if he even would. Finally, however, he started to speak, his voice considerably softer than it had been. "Losing you hurt more than I even imagined. I felt like a piece of me had been ripped away, and the pain was more than I could handle. I drank to make it go away, and then as we started touring and more things were available to me, I took them, too. Anything to make the hurting stop, you know?"
Buffy's eyes flooded with tears as her hand went to her mouth. She'd known Spike had probably taken the break-up hard, but she hadn't thought about it getting to that point.
"I was too fucked up to go on stage more than once, the record label was getting angry, but I didn't bloody care. I didn't have you, so I didn't care about anything. I didn't even care if I died." He paused for a moment, and Buffy could hear the hitches in his breathing, making her wonder if he was crying, too.
"And then, I almost did. I OD'ed in my hotel room. Oz found me, saved my life. He and Rory did a bit of an intervention, reminded me there were things—people—worth living for. I cleaned up after that, got some help, learned how to deal with my pain in ways other than getting so wasted I couldn't feel anything at all."
The image of Spike half-dead on the floor of a hotel room was enough to make bile rise in her throat. "Spike…I'm so sorry. I didn't…"
"I'm not telling you all of this to make you feel guilty," Spike told her. He paused, then said, "Well, all right, maybe a little. But I mainly just wanted…I don't know, to get it off my chest, I suppose."
"That isn't what I wanted for you."
"I know. But I've gotten past it now. I don't drink to deal with my problems anymore, and I haven't touched drugs since. And, well, I guess I've learned I can live without you."
"I…I'm glad to hear that," Buffy replied, even if she couldn't really get the sentiment to fit with the last thing he'd said.
Spike cleared his throat. "Look, I've probably kept you awake long enough. Besides, Eve's asleep inside, and if she wakes up, she'll wonder where I am."
Buffy winced at the thought of another woman in Spike's bed. "Do you two live together?" she asked, unable to keep the question from tumbling out.
"No. She just spent the night. She only got back from filming yesterday, and we haven't had a lot of time together."
"Oh. Well, it's…good you're having that time then."
"Yeah." Spike coughed. "I'm going to go ahead and say good night. It was good talking to you again, Buffy."
"You, too," Buffy replied, her voice soft from her tears. "Good night."
Her only response from Spike was a click and the sound of a dial tone. Buffy put the phone down, then curled up in her bed again and cried against the pillow.
Thanks again for all your support over the past few chapters. It's really helped in making me excited to work on this fic again—enough to let me write five rough drafts for new chapters in two days.