"Um, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're having a bad day."
Buffy looked up. "Hi, Dawn. And it was more like a bad night that made me not feel like having an actual day at all."
Dawn sat down on the couch. "Bad night? Did something happen with Robin?"
Buffy shook her head. "Not Robin. Everything's fine on the Robin front. Something happened with Spike."
"You saw Spike last night?" Dawn asked, her eyes growing wide.
"No, he called. We had a less-than-pleasant conversation back at the party, and he called for the follow-up."
"He called to yell at you?" Dawn asked.
"No, to talk. It's just that it was the first real conversation we've had since the break-up, and it was pretty heavy. More than I could really digest."
"Oh." Dawn looked down at where her hands were folded in her lap. "I'm sorry for telling you Eve wasn't going to be there when she actually was. I didn't know. Spike had said she was still going to be overseas, but I guess she got back early."
Buffy shrugged. "That's no big. Besides, I got to spill wine all over her dress, so it was kinda fun."
"That was you?" Dawn asked in surprise.
"It was totally an accident, I swear," Buffy replied, holding up her hands. "Just, y'know, not an accident I felt sorry for."
Dawn smirked. "I really don't get what Spike sees in her. I've been over at his place a few times when she's been there, and she's so obnoxious. She's always calling people 'kids.' What's up with that? She's like, not even thirty—where does she get off calling anyone a kid?"
"She kept calling me 'sweetheart,'" Buffy said. "But it was in this totally condescending way. Really made me want to slap her."
"Mom and Giles can't stand her. Especially Giles. Whenever anyone mentions her when Spike's not around, he starts polishing his glasses and making that clucking sound with his tongue he does sometimes."
"Really?" Buffy asked, surprised. "Mom seemed all buddy-buddy with her at the party."
"It's an act for Spike's sake," Dawn replied. "He's just really started coming around again, and they don't want to alienate him by totally hating on his girlfriend. But Giles is always calling her 'the actress' in this tone that reminds me of the way people say it in period-piece movies when they really mean prostitute."
Buffy couldn't help but laugh, despite her mood. "I can't say I'm not happy to hear that. I didn't want to, but I felt a little slighted when I thought Mom actually liked her."
"She doesn't." Dawn cleared her throat. "Actually, I think they're both a little disappointed you and Spike didn't make it. Once they both got over the whole you guys being their kids thing, I think they kind of liked the idea."
"Really? Huh."
"If you two are talking again, I hope you can work things out enough so you can actually be in each other's company now and then," Dawn said. "I love both of your guys, and it's been really hard over the past three years to keep you separate. I hate that I can't celebrate things like Christmas or my birthday with my whole family. In some ways, it was like going through the divorce all over again."
Buffy winced. "Dawnie, I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean for things to get like this, and…"
"I know," Dawn replied, holding up her hand. "And I understand why you two needed space to begin with, but by now… Well, I just hope you can work things out to at least be civil. It would be nice—for everyone."
Buffy realized with more than a little guilt that she'd never really considered how her break-up with Spike had affected her family. She knew things had to be awkward for them at times, but not to the extent Dawn had just admitted to. "I wish you'd said something sooner, Dawnie. If I'd known you felt that way, I could've tried to fix things."
"It wasn't just you, Buffy," Dawn said. "Spike's been really, really bitter. Honestly, we were a little surprised he finally agreed to go to that party, knowing you'd be there. Mom had to prod him about it for weeks. She kept telling him how disappointed Giles would be if he didn't come."
Buffy hung her head. "Spike had every right to not want to see me."
"I'm sure you both had your reasons. I just want you both to be able to work through them now."
"So do I," Buffy admitted. "I… I miss him."
"Miss him enough to want him back?" Dawn asked, her tone and expression hopeful.
"I don't think that's going to happen," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "Spike and I have been broken up for three years—that's pretty much dead as far as a relationship is concerned."
"Not always," Dawn said. She looked down, tracing an invisible pattern on the sofa cushion for a moment before she started to speak again. "I never really got why you two broke up in the first place. I mean, you guys seemed so in love, and then bam—Spike's moving out and you two aren't speaking."
"We were in love, but sometimes, that's not enough. We…" Suddenly, Buffy stopped, her face crumbling before she could get her emotions back in check. For years, she'd resisted talking about the break-up with anyone, wanting to be strong and believe she'd done the right thing. Yet after talking with Spike the night before, she didn't think she could believe that anymore. Nothing seemed "right" at all, and all the pain she'd tried to bury for three years was bursting through to the surface, too strong for her to fight it anymore.
"I don't know what happened, Dawnie," Buffy said through her tears. "We were in love, and everything was so good, and then it was like we got caught up in something we couldn't stop. It all just snowballed until it was more than we could handle. Looking back on it, I don't know if any of it was something we really couldn't have dealt with if we had worked on it, but when everything hit at once, it seemed uncontrollably huge."
"So why can't you both work it out now, when you've had time and distance to put everything into perspective?"
Buffy wiped at her eyes, trying unsuccessfully to slow the flow of her tears. "Because some things can never be fixed. When I left—the way I left—it really hurt him. Besides, we've both moved on now. There's no place left to start over from."
"How do you know? You obviously still have feelings for him. Couldn't you at least try?"
"I can't," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Dawn. I know you liked Spike and me together, but I can't. There's just too much now, and it can't ever be the way it used to be."
"But…"
"I don't want to discuss this anymore," Buffy said quickly, stopping her sister in mid-sentence. "It's not going to happen, and it hurts too much to even think about."
Dawn let the subject drop them—albeit with some reluctance. She knew she probably shouldn't have pried like that anyway, but it was hard for her not to where Buffy and Spike were concerned, especially since most of the time, Buffy was too closed off to give her a chance. Spike and Buffy were two of the people Dawn loved most in the world, and she'd never seen them as happy as when they were together. How could she not wish for them to have that again?
"I think I'm going to take a nap," Buffy said, stretching. "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night."
"Okay," Dawn replied. "I have some reading I need to catch up on before school tomorrow, so I'll be home for the rest of the day."
Buffy nodded. "I'll be up before too long, and I'll do something about dinner then."
"All right, Buffy."
Dawn watched as her older sister went into the bedroom, and wished there was something she could do to make things better again.
It was Monday night before Spike called again—or more, accurately, Tuesday morning. Buffy answered the phone in a sleepy haze, and was surprised to hear his voice on the other end of the line.
"Spike, you do know we live in the same time zone, don't you?" Buffy asked, casting a bleary eye on her clock and seeing it was already after two in the morning.
"Yeah. I'm sorry. I know you probably have work in the morning, I just wanted to talk to you. But I can call back later, let you get some sleep now."
"No, it's all right," Buffy said, sitting up against her pillows. "I'm just always a little cranky when I first wake up."
"I remember," Spike replied, and Buffy could almost hear the smile in his voice.
"So did you have anything specific you wanted to talk about, or were you just calling?" Buffy asked.
"Just calling, I guess," Spike told her. "It's a little crazy, I know, but all of the sudden I had to hear your voice."
Her heart did a little flip in her chest as his admission. "Yeah?" she replied, hoping she really didn't sound as squeaky as she seemed to her own ears at the moment.
"Yeah. God, I've missed talking to you. For the longest time, something would happen, and I'd want to tell you, and for a moment I'd forget I couldn't anymore."
Buffy swallowed hard, knowing exactly what he'd meant. She'd done the same thing herself—was still doing it from time to time.
"Maybe I still can't," Spike began again before Buffy had a chance to respond. "Maybe I shouldn't be calling you like this, and really, I'm not entirely sure why I did, other than my brain couldn't seem to control my fingers and make them stop dialing your phone number." He laughed, though the sound held little mirth. "And I'm not drunk, in case you're wondering. Haven't had a bloody drop all day."
"I didn't think you were," Buffy told him, the words nothing but the truth.
They both fell into an uneasy silence, the only sound on the line that of their breathing, synchronized even with the distance between them. Buffy had so many things she wanted to say to him, questions to ask and apologies to make, but she couldn't seem to find the strength to form the words. The whole situation was as it had been the other time as well—surreal and leaving her at a loss.
"I've thought about you a lot," Spike said finally, breaking the silence that had become almost painful.
"Any of them good thoughts?" Buffy asked, trying to make her tone as light as possible. The mood was too heavy, too much for her to take without breaking down again.
Spike laughed, this time with a hint of uneasiness. "I'm not going to lie to you, pet. I've been angry and bitter where you're concerned. I know you feel like you did it for me, but you ripped my heart out nonetheless, and I spent a lot of time not able to do much more than hurt. But I never could think nothing but ill of you, Buffy. I loved you too much for that." He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath, then clearing his throat. "So yeah, some good thoughts in there. I used to wonder what you were doing and if you were happy. I was glad when I heard you'd finished with school. I used to worry I made you miss your chance there by dragging you across the country like I did."
"You didn't drag me across the country, Spike," Buffy replied, choosing the part of what he'd said she could handle enough to give a response. "I made the decision to come with you to L.A., and even with everything, it's not a decision I regret. It was hard leaving New York, but I've settled back in California, and I'm happy here. I feel like it allowed me to find the person I used to be and let her connect with who I am now."
"I noticed at the party you'd gone back to being all blonde and tan. Guess you did let your inner California girl out again," Spike commented.
Buffy frowned for a moment, trying to decipher his tone enough to figure out if he thought the blonde was a bad look for her. Did he prefer her as a brunette? Did he not think she was pretty anymore? She shook her head. Why did it matter what her ex-boyfriend thought of her appearance anyway?
"I did it shortly after we broke up," Buffy told him. "I'd sort of missed being a blonde."
"It suits you. Besides, I'm the last person to make any comments about someone getting into the bleach."
Despite the overall heavy mood of the conversation, Buffy giggled now. "True. Although you're not quite as bleachy as I remember. Your hair wasn't blinding me Saturday afternoon."
"Oi now. It was never 'blinding.' If anything, that was my dazzling smile."
"You just tell yourself whatever you want," Buffy replied.
"What, you didn't like my hair?"
"I never said that. I loved your hair, and you know it. But it was very…shiny."
"Wasn't shiny," Spike muttered, and Buffy had to smile. She could picture the way he'd be pouting now…
"Shiny hair's a good thing, you know," Buffy told him. "That's why they have all those 'extra shine' hair care products."
"Yeah, but not so shiny it's blinding."
"Oh, I'm just teasing you, you big baby. Did you go soft over the past three years?"
Suddenly, his voice dropped, taking on a husky quality Buffy hadn't heard in so long. "I'm never soft when it counts, luv. You of all people should know that."
Buffy's face immediately flamed as her body trembled. How could he do that—and why could he do it still?
"Cat got your tongue, Goldilocks?"
"You're evil," Buffy informed him, glaring even though she knew he couldn't see it over the phone.
Spike gave a low laugh, making a shiver run right up Buffy's spine. "Are you just now coming to this conclusion, luv?"
"No, I've known for years," Buffy replied, hoping she didn't sound quite how she felt at the moment. "I'm only reaffirming it."
"Good thing then."
They fell silent again, the bit of flirting winding down into another awkward pause. Buffy debated for a moment about what she should do. Should she end the conversation now, before she found herself getting in any deeper—although deeper into what she wasn't sure. And more importantly, did she actually want to get off the phone now?
"Tell me what you're up to these days, Buffy," Spike said, the huskiness gone from his voice.
His request made up her mind for her, and Buffy lay back down against her pillow, the phone cradled by her ear. "Not much of anything interesting," she replied.
"Tell me anyway. I want to know what I've missed."
"Well, okay, but if you called me for a cure to insomnia, then you're probably about to get it."
Spike chuckled. "Nothing about you could ever bore me, pet."
Buffy fought back the blush his words threaten to bring to her cheeks as she began to fill him in on the past three years of her life.
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